My parents (94 and 97) yrs old, live with me. They moved in 8 mos ago. I cared for them for yrs before when they had their home. Mom has dementia and had a stroke 8 yrs ago. She is physically disabled. Dad while having good mental ability is declining physically from metastatic prostate cancer in his bones. He helps take care of Mom’s physical needs assisting her to bathroom, helping prep her food, but is getting less and less able. My brother and sister don’t help and don’t talk to their parents because my father abused my sister which he denies, and my brother and father had an argument many years ago that was never resolved. It has been left to me. I’m exhausted and the stress is too much. I was diagnosed with lupus about the time they moved in and have had bipolar disorder for many years. I didn’t realize how the stress was going to affect me. We promised my mom years ago that we would not put her in a nursing home. Now I’m considering moving them to a senior living facility which will let them have adjoining rooms with Jack and Jill bathroom in the memory care unit, so Mom’s needs are met. I’m really struggling with this decision. Guilt and feeling like a failure are part of the reason. Wanting to be sure that their needs are met is my biggest concern.
One way to deal with this is talk to parents to tease out the expectations. What do you think you will need? What services? Who will provide this service? and that service? What if we can’t do it? What if we want to take a holiday, or get sick ourselves? How many people at a time will you need if you are difficult to lift? How much will it cost if you have to hire strangers to do it? Will you be happy with a team of carers coming in and out of the house in shifts? Who is going to deal with the problem if a carer is ill and doesn’t turn up?
This is in fact the reality of in-home care. The “talk” may need to be in stages, as parents can get emotional and the talk can get angry reactions. But it can make parents think more realistically about ‘wanting to go home’ and what it would really entail. It can make the 'no' more understandable. And their refusal to discuss can help you to stand firm if they just revert to "you owe us".
Our parents' generation believed assisted living/memory care is like some horrible asylum. They also don't realize the physical work and emotional stress involved with caregiving....especially if they didn't do it for their own parents.
It's really unfair to their adult kids, who are either still working full time, or end having their retirement plans put on hold, after working 30 years. Everything seems desperate at first, but elderly parents should have made a plan, since they have been through it and should know better.
Don't feel guilty. You didn't cause them to get old and you can't fix it.
You getting ill from caring for them won’t help and they would end up in a facility anyway.
About the promise. Many elderly have a misconception and think all facilities are like the old nursing homes they remember . When they extract these promises they don’t realize how difficult it could be to take care of them.
You have to take care of yourself , you can help them find a place .
Many of us tried to honor that promise , including myself . I should not have made that promise . It was not sustainable, as my mother’s dementia progressed .
Good Luck .
We tried to honor their wishes to keep them in their home but after five years caring for them this way, we could no longer do it. The stress was way too much for us. It was affecting our health and our other relationships.
We placed my father last January and my mother in September in the same nursing home. They had health emergencies that required hospitalizations and that's how they were admitted. It was way past time. They are together there. So far it's been okay. My father adjusted pretty well which I think is because he has dementia. He's happy my mother is with him. But my mother hates it there, she wants to go home. She does not have dementia so she sees the stark reality of the situation. I told my mother she could go home but she will be responsible for taking care of everything because my sisters and I won't lift a finger to help. That was that. She realized she could not go home.
I can say that I do not feel bad in the least. I was expecting that I'd feel guilty, but I have no guilt, just a huge feeling of relief that we don't have to do this anymore. It was long past time. My sisters and I suffered dealing with all this. The NH is the best place for them, they could not live alone any longer and neither could take care of the other. At least they are together which to me is the most humane thing for both of them. They are getting better care at the NH than they would have at home. They both look pretty good.
We visit all the time so we have not abandoned them. It's depressing but I show up during the months I visit. This arrangement is just the best we can do under these circumstances.
I wish they did not live this long and this is what needed to happen. They are old and frail with a multitude of health issues which are not fatal but they sap the joy out of living. They have no quality of life and are just lingering.
No guilt over here.
That is so often the case, that the parents’ wishes carry a lot of unexpressed baggage about the terms of assistance they expect to get. When it needs a staff, family members simply can’t comply with ‘the terms’. And parents often don’t understand or appreciate the amount of work that ‘the terms’ really mean. What they want is ‘dependent “independence” ’.
Even for their own benefit, I would think a home could provide for them better than you can. Not that you are not doing a good job, but you are just one person, not a staff.
I get the guilt, very normal. But to mee this is a no brainer.
I vote, Yes! 👍
Your parents are fortunate to have such a caring daughter. Seems like it will be a much safer and sustainable situation for all (though bittersweet too, like most things in this life).
Best to you and your family.
The caregiving arrangement needs to work for the caregiver as long as the recipients' needs are met. Who knows: maybe they will enjoy the more social aspect of the facility. I know my MIL does, in LTC. For many years starting in AL she refused to leave her room, and then refused to get out of bed, which landed her in LTC. But the staff patiently coaxed her out and now she goes out with everyone whenever the staff asks her.
There will be a time of adjustment for your parents, so be prepared for that. You might want to consider not visiting them for a while so they can adjust and "detach" from you. Others on this forum have "been there and done that" and they recommend it.
I wish you better health going forward and peace in your heart that this is the right decision for everyone.
Safe
Their needs are met
That mom is cared for while dad can be as active in the community as he wants or can be.
If you want to make sure that dad is cared for when he can no longer care for himself.
If you want to make sure that mom will continue to be cared for when dad can't or if dad dies before mom.
Then placing them in a community where all those needs will be met is the most caring, loving decision you can make.
Yes it is difficult.
Making the decision to place a parent in a facility is difficult enough. To place both is even more difficult especially if they have different needs.
You can return to being a loving daughter not a caregiver. Don't get me wrong, you are still a caregiver but it is in a different way. While not "hands on" sometimes care managing is even more difficult. (kinda like herding cats)
The place you describe seems perfect for them! Please do it soon so you can take care of yourself. You matter too.
Guilt infers CAUSATION. You can only feel guilt for something WRONG that you DID.
You did nothing wrong.
You didn't cause this aging and illness and you can't fix it.
Promises are ridiculous, and anyone who believes them should look at our divorce rates. We cannot promise anything about our future or the future or anyone else's future. We aren't GODS. We are humans, imperfect and with limitations.
I encourage you to embrace your limitations. I cannot imagine, frankly, how you have done this so far, and parents who would expect this of you/ ACCEPT this from you are selfish.
Parents are responsible to their CHILDREN, not the other way around. Until age of majority a parent owes it to his child that he brought into the world purposely or by accident to do his very best to raise and protect that child. The child owes that duty of diligence to his or her OWN CHILDREN, not back to the parents.
Please place your parents. You do it with gentleness and tell them that this is your own limitation, and that this is the best you can do. Any parent who doesn't accept that with thanks and gladness--well, I won't go on.
I wish you the best.