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Ok here's my story in a nutshell.
My 90 yr. old mother lives at my home with me and my daughter for the past 15 yrs. My oldest sister lives at my mother's home ( rent free) for the past 19 yrs. and is my mom's Power of Attorney ( controlling everything) I do not receive any type of stipend or compensation for my mother. I pay for everything in my home ( and by the way I am single parent and have been for the past 21 years) My mother has been in the hospital twice this year for her legs, as she has very limited mobility. My oldest sister does not want to put mom in a skilled nursing facilty, as she would have to sell my mothers house ( and she would have no other place to live) In meantime , my mother needs 24 hr.supervision at my house. I put a stair lift in my home, and re-arranged my living spaces to a degree to accomodate my mother. My 2 sisters take turns staying at my home during the day when I go to work Monday-Friday. All evenings and weekends are on me! ( even though I work at least 50 hrs a week at the office and bring additional work home.) I am on complete burn-out with this way of living, since I can not have any type of life outside my house. I can not even spend time with my daughter, go out to dinner with friends, or even take a vacation ( have not been able to go anywhere, not even for a weekend, for 5 years now ) My sisters can not take my mom to their homes, because of her mobility issues, Nor will they stay overnight at my home to give me some relief. My other sibling (a brother) is totally useless and out of the picture. Nothing from him!
So I feel "stuck " in this situation. I don't want my mother to feel that this is something she has caused, and I try my best to deal with the situation, but my family does not understand how burned-out I am.



Any suggestions on how to deal with my siblilngs, or this complete mess of a situation would be much appreciated.



(By the way, all 3 of my siblings are retired . My oldest sister and middle sister do not have children)

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Sounds like a family meeting time. Tell everyone you cannot do this anymore. Her house needs to be sold so she can get 24/7 care. If the sister living in her home doesn't like that she can take mom back there and care for her. You don't want your mom to think she caused this. Really? Who does she think caused this? Have a talk with mom first and tell her you can't continue. Her home needs to be sold to pay for caregivers. You can't keep sacrificing your future so your sister has a place to live. That is on her.
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Why did you allow this to go on all this time? You have been a single parent, a difficult job. You work hard, 50+ hours a week. You have strength and power. Time to reclaim that power and use that strength to get out of the situation. Don’t worry about mom, she’s lived most of her life. The rest of it doesn’t have to be your responsibility.
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Is Mom incompetent to handle her own affairs? In other words, is the POA even active? Most require incompetence to be active. If Mom hasn't been deemed incompetent, she can say she wants to sell her house, or assign POA to you and give you the power to sell it. POA can be given for specific tasks, such as selling a home, so SiS could conceivably still have POA for other things, although I don't know why she should.

The important thing, though, is that Sis is a tenant in Mom's house and may have to be evicted in order to get the house sold. That might require some negotiation with her, such as a buyout, to get her to move. A few thousand dollars (like $5,000, for example) as an incentive to avoid the expense and trouble of eviction might be the way to go.

I'd consult a trust and estate attorney to see what your options are. You have a right to compensation at least from this point forward.
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Take your mother back to her house and let your sister care for her. She is the POA so she needs to figure it out.
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Sell Moms home to pay for her care. I can’t believe your entitled sister, she has no say after you get POA revoked. She is not fulfilling her duties
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You feel "stuck" because you are!

You have all the responsibility but none of the power. This must be changed immediately.

Option #1 POA sister arranges Mother'care. Either in Mother's home with paid care or in a care facility.
This involves you Letting Go.

Option #2
You are nominated POA instead. Then you have the legal ability to use Mother's funds to pay for her care, wherever that is. Her home, your home, a new home.
This involves your sister Letting Go.

I really hate the word *selfish*. I won't go into that now except to say everyone has acted in the way their values & thoughts have directed them.

That can be unpacked later.

For now, a NEW PLAN is needed for Mother. One that works for everyone IN the plan. Right now, it works for your non-helping siblings very well!

But is it working for you?

Getting angry is the first step.
Using that energy towards CHANGE is next.

Thoughts?
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Does your Mom have any $ to hire on help? WOW.. l5 yrs you have given to this?! Your Mom was a good Mom to you?? No mental illness? I could never...but my Mom is not mentally stable.... I am a Realtor. Your Mom's house needs to be sold & proceeds made available to pay for her care.. Caregivers into your home so you have a life!!.. No dinners out or vacations for you?? This is not OK. I am glad you vented, but time for you to insist on changes. Your life has value beyond this!!! Do not feel selfish. Insist on selling her house. Give your Sis $ for rent from the proceeds.. Anything is better than continuing this way. You are burned out!
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Your oldest sister can either take mom back into HER OWN home to care for her 24/7, or she can agree to sell mom's home to finance her care in a Skilled Nursing Facility! The nerve she has here is unspeakable! How about what's best for HER MOTHER which has nothing to do with her living rent free in the woman's home FGS! How outrageous.

If your mom does not have dementia, she should change her POA over to you so you can sell the house without your oldest sisters approval. Furthermore, you should start charging mom for room and board (33% of your expenses) so you can make ends meet a bit more easily, as a single mom with a demanding job.

Your eldest sibling has no right to be sitting on her butt, doing nothing, paying no rent and living a carefree lifestyle on your mother's dime, while you're literally killing yourself with all these responsibilities. Talk to mom about switching POA powers over to you and get the ball rolling asap. Or else read twisted sissy the riot act and drop mom off back on her own doorstep for her to start caring for. You've done enough for 15 years already!

Best of luck to you
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Beatty Sep 2022
Unfortunately this setup happens all the time. The sit-on-butt-pay-no-rent offspring is either a Volatile Narcissist that the whole family continually pleases to avoid tantrums or a Feeble Narcissist who has trained everyone to take on their life's responsibilities, to avoid meltdowns. It can be no-one's fault... Sometimes one just couldn't launch due to disability, mental illness or adverse life events.

But regardless of cause, the No-Rent Sibling now feels entitled to a free house.
This just isn't how life usually works. Someone has to start the process of letting reality in.

If Ms No-Rent has issues preventing her from finding & funding her own housing - then she can be assisted to locate the right help.

But gosh, she probably has a tidy sum tucked away after all those years...
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