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My mother lives alone (widowed about 8 years ago) about 3 hours from me. She recently suffered a stroke in which she lost the vision in her right eye. She is very unsteady on her feet but has started to use a walker. She thinks that she is going to move in with me and my husband, but there is no way I can live with her. She is a very negative person and I know that her living with us would not only increase my anxiety, but it would also cause a rift between my husband and I because he feels the same way about her.


She has very limited savings (she does not qualify for Medicare or Medicaid, though), and cannot afford to move into assisted living, yet she is not eligible for a nursing home. I do what I can to help her and have talked her into spending some of her money to have a home health service come in a few days a week to assist with light housekeeping and taking her to the store (she can no longer drive). Am I a horrible person for not wanting her to move in with us? My husband and I have very busy lives - we both work (my husband has 2 jobs) and I attend school at night, so even if my mom did move in with us, she would be alone in our house as well. I guess I just want to hear if anyone else has a similar situation and how you are handling it.

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Absolutely not! You are nowhere near horrible.
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Medicare is a health insurance. It only covers for care in a Rehab and no more than 100 days and 80 of them only 50%. There is ""intermittent care" that a member said she was able to get for her Mom and Aunt.

To receive Medicaid, her assets need to be spent down to the asset cap in ur State. (My State is 2k) Her monthly income cannot go over the income cap set. (My State its a little over 2500) If she goes over the income cap ur State may allow a Miller/OIT trust.

If Mom has enough money you could get her into a Longterm care facility and when the money is gone, apply for Medicaid. Thats how I did it.

You need to make it very clear to your mother that moving in with you is not an option. It just would not work.
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Who's telling you all these things, like mom doesn't qualify for Medicaid and that she is not eligible to live in a nursing home? She's had a stroke, lost vision in one eye, is unsteady on her feet and using a walker.........she sounds like she's qualified to me! When an elder has had one stroke, they're prone to having more. Please go consult with an elder care atty to see what it will take to get her ON Medicaid and eligible for services and/or long term care placement in a SNF.

If you're a 'horrible person' for not taking your mother in to live with you, then so are TONS of the rest of us! None of us are bad people, we just recognize the need for autonomy on BOTH sides; for us AND for our parents. When my grandmother lived with us while I was growing up, it was a wretched experience for HER as well as me and my mother. We all lost out and were miserable. As soon as gma eventually moved into a nursing home, everyone's life improved....except that it was 25 years too late. Guilt should never be a reason for taking in a loved one b/c then resentment is what follows.

Best of luck!
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Never move an aging parent into your home under any circumstances. You are 100% in the right.
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You’re not horrible at all. You’re realistic and know in advance that it wouldn’t work. My dad was adamant that none of his adult children live with him and he not live with us. He said it ruined relationships. I’m thankful for his wisdom. Decide how you can help and don’t beat yourself up over options that aren’t good for anyone
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How is it your mother does not qualify for Medicare? Is she not an American citizen?
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littlebee72 Jan 2023
She is on Medicare for her health insurance, but does not get any other benefit. Everything is pretty much out of pocket (home health care, etc)
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Find a reputable, local facililty that offers a continuum of care options and accepts Medicaid. She can go in on private pay and eventually will qualify for Medicaid. She will get far more healthy social exposure and interaction in a care community than being cloistered in your home while her care burns you out and wrecks your marriage. She won't like it at first but it is the best option that works for both of you. I wish you all the best and peace in your heart.
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She will qualify for medicaid after she spends down and she should seek placement, whether that is in a good board and care, or whether it is in ALF depends upon how much she has in assets and how long to spend it down.
No, you do not have to take her into your home, and for me it would be a deal breaker. I know my limitations, and always did know them.
Try to switch out the G words at the beginning. The G-word that is GUILT belongs to evil doers who seek to hurt people and cause pain. That is not you. The work GRIEF pertains to those who feel helpless and fearful and know their limitations, and see the deterioration and confusion of family members, but cannot sacrifice their own lives to save them.
You have no need of explaining your limitations, of what and why and wherefore. You have only to know that you cannot/do not wish to take an elder into your home. I wouldn't either. Some few heroes DO WANT TO, and that is lovely, but on Forum we often see them come to us desperate and broken.
My best to you. I hope you can assist your Mom (I suggest the help of a Social Worker in private practice or an elder law attorney for advice) make arrangements for her living ongoing. Do keep it clear in her mind that living with you is not an option for you. Keep your explanations of "why" nebulous and cloudy as a real reason will get an argument, whereas "I just am not capable of living with you, Mom, much as I love you; I am sorry. I will never abandon you and I will help you find the best living situation we are able to with the assets you have."
I know this is tough. Not everything has the perfect answer. Grief and inadequacies are a part of living. We do the best we can.
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