Why are we all so sick?

It is so stressful and you are so busy dealing with their endless doctors appointments and every need and you figure you are better off than they are and you will take care of yourself after they are gone or things get stable or whatever and it all just gets worse and worse but they keep on living year after year and then boom. I got diagnosed with really out of control Diabetes in December and in April came a cancer diagnosis. Part of me is so wanting to just be done with it and let my siblings deal with him. I really do feel like it is killing me. But then this dutiful daughter, martyrdom sh*t that I was programmed with has me so hard in its grasp. It is crazy. is this a choice of say no or die? And it isn't at all an easy choice....

I wonder if there is a connection as well. I just finished 6 months of chemo for colon cancer, which I found out I had during year 5 of being my Mom's caregiver. She is now in a retirement home, which was wonderful initially, but the complaints are slowly increasing. I truly believe the stress of caregiving is a contributor in making us sick.

Dr John Campbell’s videos might interest you. To keep your immunity up fish oil, vitamin D3 magnesium is also good for nerves and muscle aches. I do think stress place a big role on caregiving taking a toll on us

100 percent, not good!!!

In addition to the stress, I think that in a good deal of cases, especially where the person needing care is constantly going to doctor appointments, the last thing a caregiver wants to do is to wait in yet another waiting room, to go into waiting in yet another exam room, even if ( and maybe especially if) it's for their own appointments. And then, of course, as we all age, one doctor invariably leads to another and another and so on, and so forth. Which leads to more appointments and more waiting rooms. So, I can very well see why caregivers put off their own health concerns. It's not the wisest move, obviously, but I can certainly understand it.

Then in many cases there's the added issue of finding someone to fill in for you while you at your appointment if the person for whom you are caring can't be left alone. So that's another hurdle in caregivers getting their own medical needs attended to.

It's too bad that insurance/doctors won't generally allow for a "two at the same time" sort of scenario, where the caregiver can get examined at the same appointment as the person needing care. Especially in cases where both are covered under Medicare. You would probably find more caregivers willing to be more proactive with their own health if it didn't mean a separate trip to a doctor.

High cortisol levels. Being in a constant state of stress is no good for humans. 24/7 care taking is not a way to live, we do it for them out of love and devotion, but they are on the way out. We have to chose ourselves instead.

It's confirmation bias, when you look for something you are bound to find it.

As for those on the forum - Caregivers for the elderly do tend to skew older themselves, especially when they are caring for a spouse. Many people do tend to put off their own needs when they are immersed in looking after someone else. And many are in a poorer demographic because those with bottomless pockets are less apt to find themselves caught without other options.

Stress plays a big part in caregivers having a lot of health conditions. Stress is all parts of caregiver's lives and they never have a break from it keeping the body constantly in fight or flight mode. This can aggravate some types of conditions including autoimmune disorders. Many caregivers cannot prioritize their own health so they most likely do not eat right (fast food or junk food is pretty common) and if they do feel ill they will put it off unless it gets really bad.

A lot of the basics get pushed aside as a caregiver including a healthy night's sleep and having boundaries.

Stress does a lot on our bodies and weakens our systems. My sister had breast cancer at 43. No one in either sides of the family had breast cancer. My doctor felt it eas not genetic. She was grossly overweight. Did not exercise. Had a very stressful job. And the stress of being a single parent withva disabled child. I am 74 and have had reg mamos since my 40s. No cancer found yet.

I agree that the statistics are probably deceiving. I've known a few men caring for there wife, that passed before them. Honestly I think there dieing was more about the husband not wanting to be left alone and wanted to die before hand. More so than the stress of caregiving

One person I know, found his wife , thought she was dead, shot himself, she wasn't gone, because of the gun shot , police came. She lived quite a while afterwards, he sadly didn't

I'm no longer a caregiver, but for about 5 years I was caregiver for my husband who had Parkinson's. I was in my mid-late 70's at the time. We did have help, home health aides a few days a week, because he had good LTC insurance. While I felt tied down and occasionally frustrated, I think I had it relatively easy compared to other folks who post here. My husband had no real cognitive impairment though he could occasionally be overly demanding and impatient and was not overtly appreciative of all I was doing. I just let it roll off and didn't stress over it. My own health did not suffer, though I did sometimes have neck and shoulder pain during the time I had to handle his wheelchair and push him around. (Fortunately his wheel chair use was when he got shingles and couldn't walk because of spinal nerve damage which was right after his Parkinson's diagnosis, and he later improved and graduated to using a rollator.) I agree with Alva that those posting on here tend to be ones who are not doing so well and are in need of advice. As a data person, I'd wonder if there are differences between caregiver health of those caring for a person with dementia and those caregiving for someone with more purely "physical" impairments. I think I would have had a much different reaction to caregiving if my husband was no longer "himself" due to dementia. I also think that the statistic about the % of caregivers who die before the person they are caring for has been called into question, but I can't put my finger on the source for that right now. Finally, I think you really have to look at the age of the caregiver; for example, if you have a senior caring for a senior, it might not be surprising if the caregiver senior has health problems or dies first.

My post yesterday sounded a little too peaches and cream.

I'm pretty lucky but I did for the second time hit bottom. Drove home from moms recklessly not carrying if I lived or not. That's not cool at all. A danger to myself and others.

The first time I did that I, brushed it off sucked it up. The second time a year later I new I needed help

On top of that the day after I drove home, I picked up something, way to darn heavy, and fell with it on my back, rupturing a disk. Because I just didn't care anymore.

Laying in bed recuperating, while my family is not believing me, thinking I just was making up excuses to get a week off, is when I found this forum, and things started to sink in and my life started to change.

So yes I damaged my back because of depression, because of caregiving. Luckily my back is 90 percent back , thanks to my wonderful chiropractor.

I agree

Exhaustion , Lack of Insight , no support , Making all the right decisions , Keeping up a House or Business , finances , going to doctors appointments, becoming a Nurse , chauffeur, chef , grocery shopper - The thing is being a caregiver is exactly Like a Mother but going back wards . The Person doesnt grow up and leave the nest , the person declines and eventually grows wings . This cycle takes a toll on us because no One taught us how to deal with end of life situations so we are constantly stressed or worried . Also the Lack of support usually Its only One caregiver doing all the work with out support from other Family members which leaves us Isolated and alone - Our Immune systems suffer and we get sick . Most of us have PTSD which means Our cortisol levels are Out of whack , Our Kidneys are depleted from the adrenaline we need to survive and Our brain is also on high alert or some of us experience Panic attacks . No One has given Us a PlayBook of what to expect because no One Knows .

So true.
I always say guilt has no place in caregiving journey.
No guilt ever!
We did not create, contribute to any diseases.

Well said!!!

I think FOG kills. Fear Obligation and Guilt. which leads to anxiety, etc.
A lot of times caregivers are trying to finally get that seal of approval from our ungrateful parents and the bitterness that comes from not getting the nurturing everyone deserves also eats away like a cancer.

Actually I started care giving mom at the beginning of covid, because of covid a quit a very light smoking habit.

Because of caregiving stress, I started walking. Cleaning 2 homes, shopping for 2 homes.

So actually my health improved.

But it was definitely really starting to effect my mental health, so it probably wasn't far off

I have read my grandmother diary Alva, early 1900s. It's amazing how hard they worked. Her husband died, she had 4 young kids. She washed clothes for well off people. Never stopped working

Do remember that HERE you will see those who are unhappy and not doing well.
That is the nature of an advice forum.
When I was an RN I hated blood thinners and thought that everyone who took them died of a bleed somewhere.
That was because I SAW the ones with a bleed.
Those who were doing fine were at home; so what did I know.

Everyone gets sick.
We live longer in this country than could have even been imaged a few years back, and we have easier and better medical treatments. As an RN I have seen their advance.

As I just posted on another thread, from the moment we are born it is certain we will die. We die sometimes at the age of 2, as Rob Delaney's young son with his brain cancer. He didn't live long enough to be a caregiver, so caregiving sure didn't kill him.

I think that caregiving is very stressful. But I got caner at age 47 without having cared for a single person. I was very happy with a great job as an RN that I loved, in a new relationship, had my daughter raised up and happily on her own.

We get sick. We are very superstitious beings. We want there to be a reason.
Study that human body at all, the wonder and intricacy of the MANY systems it takes just to let us PEE, the many systems it takes to let us think. You will be amazed we do so well as we do for so long as we do.

To my mind, when we were harder working and more in touch with the land, with our food systems, going to bed and getting up with the dusk and dawn (yeah I was on a farm with the Holsteins) I think we lived better lives without a lot of time to think about what syndrome we had. I don't know. It sure was harder using that wringer washer and hanging out the clothes on the line (esp in Illinois winter) but I don't know that there was as much satisfaction in just working with our hands.

Time moves on. Things change one coffin at a time.
But nope, I don't think we are sicker. I do think we have way too much time to think. Guess that is telling of my age; I am old.

I read recently about 60% of those taking care of people with dementia die before them.
I am going to be brutally honest.
I think taking care of everybody then meeting the best, healthiest man who got Parkinson, I cannot understand if there is God( I am stubbornly agnostic) what is his plan?
So I am complaining yet I am caregiver again.
But I am in charge of everything.
If I survive I will never be caregiver again.
I care but I care about myself perhaps more.
And I will repeat ad nauseam,
Just because one life is destroyed does not mean two lives have to be.

Sacrificing one’s own well being for the sake of another is never wise. By that I mean, not keeping up with medical advice, appointments, tests, not exercising regularly, not eating well, having huge amounts of stress, less than adequate sleep, foregoing time with friends and social interactions, all rob a person of their health. And most often, it’s in service of someone who’s already had a long life, who in their right mind and thinking soundly, would never want or expect this from their family. I definitely helped both of my parents, but not nearly to the degree I’ve learned of others on the forum doing, and honestly, it boggles my mind.

Something like half of caregivers die before the person they are caregivers for.

I did caregiving as my job for 25 years and now am in the business of it. None of it affected my mental and physical health as much as living with my mother and basically being a care-slave.

I think you can't live with it. You have to be able to leave work after a shift. Work can't be 24/7 every moment and that's exactly what it is when it's a family caregiver and they live with the person they take care of.

I really think this can kill a person faster than smoking and drinking.

Adding to Dawn88's response...
Caregivers tend to ignore their own health when caring for someone else.
There is also the isolation that many caregivers experience when friends stop calling them to do things because the caregiver has no one to watch their LO for a few hours. This adds to stress.

A combination of age and stress.