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I sat with my mother in her Memory Care Assisted Living apartment for a week while she took her end-of-life journey recently, and I learned an awful lot I wasn't aware of. My DH & I visited her twice a week the past 6 months, and at least once a week prior to that, so we had contact with the staff, the facility, saw her apartment, the grounds, knew what was going on, for the most part, it's safe to say. What we did not realize was the quality of care she was getting or how happy she was in general. To hear mom tell it, she was sad & lonely, miserable & praying to God to let her die. That's the message she saved for me and for her niece in New York, which made us feel terrible, when she'd ask us to 'pray for me to die', or accuse us of not praying 'hard enough' because she was still alive. I lived with a constant low-level of guilt & a feeling of not being a good enough daughter due to mom's chronic complaining about everything from the food to the weather to the lack of activities in the MC. No matter that I (nor anyone else) could NEVER reach her on the phone for her being busy in the activities room.


What I learned while sitting with her for many hours each day for an entire week was that the caregivers went out of their way to shower mom with love & affection & attention. They came into her room every 20 minutes to see what she needed; to kiss her forehead & tell her they loved her. Some stayed AFTER their shift ended to sit with her! They'd pull up a chair and sit next to her bed, hold her hand, and recount stories of the time they'd spent together. There was a constant stream of CGs & other staff in and out of her room for an entire week. When going through her things, I found dozens and dozens of handwritten cards from former caregivers that had quit and moved away; they wrote mom cards to let her know how they were doing! Or if they'd gotten married or had a baby! To let her know they were thinking of her and missed her. One gal named Angelica told me she was honored to know mom at the end of mom's life and at the beginning of HER life, b/c she would carry her memory with her for life. The testimonies I heard were mind boggling.


As it turned out, mom was always positive, upbeat, smiling & happy as a resident in Memory Care (and in AL before that). She was the cheerleader for all the residents! Always the first in line for the activities and to encourage the others to join in! Who knew? Not I, that's for sure.


This was the woman who made my life so difficult on every level for 64 years. Led me to believe she was so unhappy and sad in Memory Care in spite of me KNOWING she was well cared for, fat & happy. I could never get her to admit it , not even once, in the nearly 3 years she lived there. I did everything humanly possible for the woman to make her life as comfortable as possible, and I succeeded, I just didn't KNOW it until I witnessed the testimony from the staff during the last week of mom's life.


And I got a call from the Assistant ED the other day, telling me that the trail of emails that went back & forth after the staff was notified of mom's passing was THE most incredible thing she'd ever witnessed. The communication between the Assisted Living bldg and the Memory Care bldg was huge, all the caregivers & nurses expressing their sadness at her passing, and offering condolences.


For those who feel 'guilt' at having their loved on in residential care, just take heed. Things aren't always what they appear to be.


Rest in peace, mom. I know I have a sense of peace, finally, that I really WAS a good daughter after all.

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That is wonderful to hear. My mom was the same way. She would complain but always saw her having a great time. You have helped me with so many of my questions through out the years. I am so sorry for your loss but I am glad you and your mom have peace now.
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This made me cry! What a beautiful gift your Mom's caregivers gave you! I hope you print this post out and leave it with your will or other papers, for your children to know all of this about your Mom.
You have made such good decisions for her, for so long.
Thanks for sharing with us!
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The relationship between mothers and daughters is like none other: complex; charged by a storm of positive and negative emotion. It sounds like you're finding peace with your mom's passing, Lealonnie. God bless.
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lealonnie,

I'm very sorry for your loss. You did good and right by your mother and should not have a moment of guilt over any of it.
Isn't that just always how it is though? Even if things are wonderful. Even if the facility is like a resort and the lives of its residents are a permanent vacation every day, the elder has to guilt trip somebody. They have to make someone's life miserable.
You did good and now it's time for you to not worry about your mother's happiness anymore.
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dear lea,

wishing you again, my deepest condolences.
and i hope you're ok!! and your husband!!
health, everything!!

hug!!
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So sorry for your loss. Sounds like you did awesome! I am somewhere in the middle of the journey and love your comments. Hope you are doing well. ❤️
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Lea, I usually tell people to be comforted by their good memories of their parents. In this case, it seems like you may be comforted by OTHER'S good memories.

Sigh. (((((Hugs))))))
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Beautifully said lealonnie. I'm so glad that you were able to see and hear for yourself that in fact your mom was well loved and cared for in her memory care facility despite what you were told from her.
You were a GREAT daughter to a mom who didn't or couldn't give you what you needed. That speaks volumes about who you are as person.
Thank you for sharing.
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It truly was her loss that she could never appreciate the beautiful spirit and caring person you were to her and still are.
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Sorry for your loss. Your mom's struggle is finally over. And I am so happy that you finally have a sense of peace, knowing how many positive people and interactions she actually did have - even if she couldn't tell you about it. Don't ever doubt that you were a great daughter! Thank you for sharing your story!
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