The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

My therapist is more concerned about me setting boundaries with that side of my family. My CPA has told me that I, as mom's durable POA, can decide to file my mother's taxes married but separate. My concern is that if he is not willing to even begin paying my mother back, then is he going to be willing to pay for the taxes filed jointly when the all of the tax due is because of his income and not my mother's? The other legal stuff I can check with a lawyer about, but I think it is a basic legal agreement between two people that would need to be notarized. I gather that neither my step-dad nor my step-brother have seen my mother's will. It took me a while to find it, but it says that I'm the executor and the sole beneficiary of everything she ever bought, was given, or inherited. Learning that, it not going to make either one of them very happy. Also, I'm co-owner with right of suvivorship of my mother's personal bank accounts, CDs and securities which is how she set things up about 10 years ago.

Cmagnum: Are you sure your "therapist" is the best person to get tax guidance from? I think I would want a second opinion from an income tax and estate specialist. You're a smart guy, so maybe you've done that. Just seems odd to have a therapist giving you tax info. Especially in such a critical matter. Hugs, Cattails

That is right, the CNA has been calming mom down twice this past week. I do think a call needs to be put into the doctor about this for he might want to order a bed with rails. This is the beginning of her fourth year in the nursing home. My question is has she reached a point where she needs to be in a nursing home with a memory/Alzheimer's Unit.

My therapist recommended that I draw up a contract concerning the money my step-dad owes to my mother that she paid on his past-due taxes, penalties and CPA expenses when I cleaned up that mess from 2004-2009 after it came to my attention in 2009. I really should have had those returns filed married but separate and I would not be in this mess of my step-dad owing my mother money that came from her and my joint account to pay his part of taxes. He said that I needed to draw up the contract for my step-dad and his son who is his POA stating that he owes my mother this money and as her POA as well as the executor and sole beneficiary of her estate, I want to keep her estate in tack. Thus, I want a monthly payment to my mother of whatever amount they chose until this $32,000+ is paid off. Just in case, one dies before the other and the debt is not paid, I need to state in the contract that if my mother were to preceded my step-dad in death that this debt would be owed to her estate or if my step-dad preceded my mom in death this debt would be owed to my mother from his estate. He said if your step-brother and step-dad will not sign this, then just forget it. He also suggested that I just call up my step-brother who continues to drag his feet about the 2011 tax return, tell him I am going on and filing my mother's return as married filing separately and wish him a good day for his dad and those taxes are now his full responsibility.

lildeb, my "Man Cave" is a good thing. It is in the back of my garage which is not attached to the house. It is a 20 x 20 room that is furnished and decorated just the way I want it. It is "my room." This is wear I go to unwind.

I have a desk with my computer and huge screen. One wall is filled with all of the stuff related to Tae Kwon Do that I once did. Another wall is filled with diplomas and certificates. A third wall is full of shelves with my books and I have my special chair for me to read in with a ceiling fan overhead. The other wall is where the door is and the window with the AC.

Lildeb: The CNA was saying what THEY do to deal with it, which is talking to her to help calm her down. Also, she is in a Nursing Home right now, just not one with a memory/Alzheimer's Unit. I did thing your idea to report her confusion to the doc was a good one. Cattails

"Man Cave," not sure if that is for the good or the bad? I call mine stuck in, "Prison."
As for your mom, she mention that, "she was NOT doing what they wanted her to do and she is on their bad side? What exactly is she talking about? Is she making this up? You may have to put up a camcorder or monitor to check things out.
As for the CNA telling you to, "deal with it." That sure does not sound too professional.
Since this has happen twice withing a week, I would make a physician phone call and see if he is aware of this odd behavior. Their can be a number of things that can triggor odd behaviors and that is where the dr should have been follow up on her changes by the CNA. Of course, that is what I would think.

You know that a CNA can get burned-out just like us and she had overlooked forgot to report any behavioral changes to your mom's physician. I would call the physician so that he is aware to find out what is going on with your mom.

As for considering putting your mom in a NH, that will be up to you when you think you can no longer help your mom and manage your life as well. Only you will know when that time is right.
I am glad that you n your wife got to enjoy a nice meal n y'all probable had a nice drive back n forth. Hey, appreciate every little minute you get and enjoy life.

lildeb, upon entering my mother's room at the nursing home, we noticed her legs were not under the covers and her feet were at the side of the bed. I asked if she was too warm. No, she said, I must get out of here and drive my car to ___ for they are expecting me over there soon. We were able to divert her attention to other topics, but she did manage to keep returning to that one. She claimed to have walked the day before and wanted me to help her out of bed so that she could go get in her car and drive to ______. I told her that I was not able to help her stand by myself, but I was going to get a CNA. She did not like that idea for she said that she was already on their bad side for she did not do everything they wanted her to do which she said in a very quite almost little girl tone of voice. The CNA informed me that mom has been like this twice this past week. To deal with it, they just talk with her and help her to calm down. Upon leaving, we told the RN about this. They are going to keep an eye on her. Does this mean she needs to go to a nursing home with an Alzheimer's unit? She can't walk and has not walked since April of 2009. However, she thinks that she has been standing and walking a lot.

We made a short visit with my step-dad who has not been able to see my mother since Friday with his helper gone. His step-son took him on a trip over the weekend in order to keep an eye on him. He was glad to hear that we had visited my mom but did not ask how she was doing which is what he usually says. Maybe he is finally seeing just how demented she has become. However, he also seems to think that there is some magic wand that will make my mother all better and if I keep in contact with her more, then she will clear up. Sad wishful thinking.

My wife and I went out for a nice meal before driving home. I'm presently in my "Man Cave"

I hope your trip is safe n you have a nice visit with your mom. It sounds like you already done a mail address change at the post office so maybe some mail takes awhile. You and your wife should go out n have a nice dinner as well just two of you and just breathe and smell the fresh air. Good luck.

lildeb, I know what you mean, but I'd like to use a rapid fire shotgun.

Your Irish? Cool. My dad is Irish-German and my mother Scotch-English.

I guess that I should just forget the money owed and cut my step-father loose on his taxes by filling my mother's taxes, married but separate. I'm going to discuss the money thing and taxes with my therapist tomorrow.

My wife and I are traveling up to visit my mother today and will stop by for a quick hello with my step-father to mainly check on any mail that has come for my mother that is important that did not come to me like I have all of her other mail come to me that comes on a regular basis. I think that I may have posted these poems before, but I will post them again if anyone is interested

Cmagmun, I'm one those rescue person n I use to do my past life with poetry, mine was very depression with a hint of humor. I have always tried to help others n it is very hard to get those few whom r not willing to help themselves. I'm having that issue with my dad n he lives in another state. My brothers have tried to talk to him too n nothing. It breaks my heart because he is still my daddy even though he has let alcohol control him n the freaking step-mom too! Father's Day is around the corner n I have this feeling he may not be around to see the next Father's Day. You can only do so much with a stubborn Irish-alcoholic parent. Now, I know where I got my stubborness--my dad n mom's side, for she had Apache in her n she was alcoholic too. What is the deal with the freaking alcohol? I have always wanted to take a machine gun and just blow every one of those liquior store to bits. However, I know it would only hurt some innocent people n don't forget you have all those bootleggers.
I only saw the therapist during my college time and it was only about 4 times. It probable wouldn't hurt me to go now, however, the mnl will be stuck up my you know what n that's not going to help either. So, I bite my tongue until I blow. I am getting better from not biting my tongue sometimes by doing heavy intense burning work around the house to wear me out. Plus, I only everybit of 4'7" and 90lbs soaking wet. ; )

Getting back to you, as for the $$$ that is owed to your mom, I agree with Cattail that, "it is better to just cut ties with the sibs and realize you will not get any help from them in caring for your mom. You are banging your head against a brick wall there." That was a good one Cattail. Sad but true and its not worth the headaches that it will cause for you. You will have to try n be the bigger person, just let it go n move on. The Social Service idea is another good one and all they can say is no or denied.

burnedncaringst, how do you even go about trying to get compensation or can u even get paid taking care of a eldery AD relative while living in same house?

Sharynmarie, You got to teach me that, "to exercise my emotional muscles of detachment." I am terribly sorry and she seems so hard-headed. Yet, at least for now she understand you are trying to 'prevent' her from going to the NH.

I hope everyone has a very nice day. Here in GA we have a hint of breeze-n- a little sunshine. love it, I may try n clip some weeds.

I hope everyone is having a quite, relaxing Memorial Day Weekend!
Joan~I also am glad the birthday party went well. The anxiety we experience when we are going to an event with other people who have a history of creating drama can be so intense. It's always a relief when it is over.
Yesterday sis and I had a long talk with mom. We have been trying to get her to see a neurologist for some time now. Sis did some checking on mom's long term healthcare policy which will pay for home healthcare, however, mom must be diagnosed before we can bill them for home healthcare. We talked with her about this, telling her we are only trying to follow the plans that you already set in motion but because you are fighting us on following through, the only other option you are leaving us is to call APS when you progress to the point of not being able to care for yourself, and if we have to call APS, the situation is out of my and sis's hands. Mom wouldn't commit to seeing a neurologist but has agreed to go see her elder law attorney with my sis and me. Mom tried to turn it on us by saying we were trying to put her in a NH, take her car away, etc. but we told her we can't put you in a NH home against your will. We are trying to utilize your long term healthcare policy so you can stay home longer. I told mom that if she doesn't do this, she will have to pay out of pocket which will use up her money quickly and she will be placed in a NH sooner than she wants to be. So far she has not retaliated with nasty phone calls to us accusing us of a long list of elder abuse. She was very lucid yesterday but because of past experience with her, I am not holding my breath that this will go as easily as making an appointment with her attorney to have him explain the same thing to her. Without sounding totally pessimistic I am prepared to exercise my emotional muscles of detachment when and if the fallout comes from our visit yesterday, Lol!!

Sorry I haven't been on here in a good while...I am trying to get my printer to work to mail my taxes...sucks cuz i am out of black ink. Then I am helping out a family also besides taking care of mine. I am also praying and crossing fingers that I get a teacher's aide position so I will be working 2 jobs...night time caregiving and working at the local school to help the system out there since both of my kids will be in school come august. I can't believe it my daughter has 3 days left and she graduated. As for hubby's family and some of mine dysfunction rampant so we have em on ignore list. Family helps family by being there and supporting another; not stealing their money etc. If ur a family member like me taking care of a loved one whether its the state or private care yes you do deserve some compensation....it had taken me five yrs to finally get where I am at and so far I am grateful...I am glad I got a drug addict to stop harrassing my husband but next time she tries coming around restraining order will be placed...so yes it may be rough right now but i am taking care of business...Learn to vent and yell at the wind and learn to detach ur emotions from ppl who do not care what ur going thru is good excerise.

Emjo, Margeaux, Sharynmarie: Thanks for your comments about my Granddaughter. She's a keeper for sure:)

Emjo: I'm so happy you had a big good side to your family visit experience. There will always be some negative, like your mom's comment, but I'm sure that's just her way of saying you are not involved enough in her life. Just think of all the other sarcastic comments you would get if you were more involved in her life. Ahhhhh, love those boundaries.

Gavonna: I think a letter from your attorney to Social Services demanding that appropriate reprimands be given to those who mishandled your mother and failed to investigate your sister's charges against you is more than appropriate. Social Services should be required to take action to make sure this doesn't happen again and they should tell you the steps and actions that have been taken. Going further than that, however, may cause you other difficulties....but maybe not. Just responding to their comment to you that sounded like a bit of a threat. Do what you and your lawyer think is best.

My other thought was, "how much is all this lawyer business going to cost you?" I so agree that it is better to just cut ties with the sibs and realize you will not get any help from them in caring for your mom. You are banging your head against a brick wall there.

Since your mom is now living with you, can Social Services provide in home help with her care. If so, it will help ease the burden on you and your friends and everyone will last longer, including you.

These are just a few thoughts. You have your hands full and it's a crying shame that you have had to endure all the other BS in addition to caring for your mom. I do agree, there has to be some skeletons in the closet that you are unaware of.

Good luck and keep us posted. Hugs, Cattails

Emjo, I'm so happy for you that the birthday party is behind you, and you can breathe a big sigh of relief! That's how I felt the weekend after that birthday party at my drama brother's place for his granddaughter.

Isn't it interesting when a narcissist knows exactly what to say, as your mother about not recognizing you. Good for you, that instead it sounds as if you had a good time reconnecting with other family at the party. Again, I find that we must become very aware, and hopefully this gives us that inner strength we really all have w/in us, to detach from these kinds of people. It's almost like a muscle, if it doesn't get exercised, it goes soft. So let's exercise these emotional muscles! Love & Light! Margeaux

lildeb, I'm glad reading my condensed autobiography was helpful. It does seem a bit less painful each time I write it as I'm gaining distance from much of my past.

You comment, "However, we all know we cannot do it all and hopefully your children will eventually be able to break what chains that are left that need to be broken in order to live a happy life style for their children." is very true and I see some of what remains in each son. The oldest son deals with his pain and anger like I did in college by all of the physical training that he does. He's in the same pre-olympic condition that my dad said I was at that time. However, also like me back then, he is not as assertive as he needs to be; he gets overwhelmed with the needs of others; and he tries to rescue people, but he is very quite about his own feelings and thought with the exception of poetry sort of like I did with playing the guitar, singing and writing songs back on those days. While our youngest is more assertive, but was the hardest to raise, I can see issues of pain and anger that display themselves differently, plus issues from being more enmeshed with his mother for a bit of time that our oldest ever was. However, his enmeshment with his mom was never as bad as it was between me and my mother.


"I think that it is so great that you are seeing a therapist to get help through all those years for know there is tons of other stuff in between that can be pretty nasty, hurtful, scarey and yet there is a lttile good as well." I would hope that after 10 years of therapy which has been quite a journey that I've covered most of this already and I'm exhausted in part from that journey. (BTW, my wife has been in therapy for 14 years.) Had we each been where we are now, more of those chains would have been broken earlier for our children, but as young adults they benefit from where we are now.

My insurance is such that I've been able to see my current therapist weekly since 2005 and that has helped a lot. Sometimes, issues from my childhood would arise during the week and I would write about them in what some people call 'free association' where you just let you mind go and write as feelings, thoughts, and events come back into your memory which meant I knew I needed to see my therapist soon! I've written several poems out of this experience which I can and have made public, but there is one poem about my childhood that will never be public.

All in all, whenever someone finds the story of my life or a part of the story of my life helpful, it tells me that my pain is not wasted.

I'm glad that this thread is helping so many people and I hope everyone has a good day.

While I don't have any real siblings, I do have 3 step-siblings, the youngest of whom lives near my step-dad and once again is dragging his feet about getting his dad's information to the CPA so that my step-dad's and mom's joint tax return can get done during the extension that we filed for. I took on the whole mess of their unfiled, unpaid taxes from 2004 onward on myself back in 2009 and with the help of a new and much better CPA even got the 2010 return in on time. However, this meant paying the taxes out of my mother and my joint account for the CPA wanted to wait until the end to figure how much tax was my step-dad's and how much was my mother's. Turns out, that my step-dad owes my mother over $32,000. He and his son promised to make monthly payments, but I've not seen a dime of it. My step-brother's excuse is that he has to explain this over and over again to his dad, but the check never gets written. He's his dad's POA and could write checks himself, but he is afraid of his dad. My wife thinks he and my step-dad are just glad to have gotten a free ride on past due taxes from my mother and thus have no intention of ever paying her back. I'm leaning very strongly toward having my mother's return filed married but separate.

I hear you, tbailey, brandy and sharyn. Hope everyone has a good day.:)

I do not want to be a critical spirit like my MIL. It is a shame when MIL/FIL won't fully accept those that marry into the family.

Thank God I do not have to take care of MIL. She was a handful and especially didn't like me or my daughter. I am forever grateful she lived 500 miles away.

Oh I think there is alot of us on here I'm taking care of my MIL in our home & Her daughters are nothing but drama.. Even though there mother always did for them her whole life! I think its pretty common on this site & great place to vent about them!!!!!

Welcome and join the club. ; )

Thanks to all for your sharing....It really helps to know I am not the only one dealing with hateful siblings whose priority is everything except Mom.

Gavano, Welcome to the thread, first of all. You came to a real good place!!
Your story is quite dramatic to say the least. It's just so time consuming and draining of good energy when we come up against relatives who engage in this deplorable behavior.

Well, don't allow them to work on your good spirit. You are held in the highest of all our esteems here for doing such selfless acts with the care of your mum, (I know your in the UK). On the legal front, seem to be doing all the proper things.
Well hopefully you have a good lawyer, who will help you in this. If you have the social services who have updated the file, w/respect to awful sister's defamation of your character hopefully things w/settle down for you. Instead of shadow boxing you w/be able to concentrate your energies upon your mum. Does she understand any of what is happening?

t's anybody's guess as to why other siblings go to these lengths to unravel the good work you are doing. We had this happen in our family also, while a
nasty, narcissistic devisive elder reigned terror upon our family until this last Jan. when she died. This was mom's sister, our aunt. Much of the turmoil was her perrsonality, and she was playing the "holding people hostage to her inheritance," card. She too was living at mom's, home. My poor sister had to deal w/her attempts at defaming, and calling Hospice social workers to report my sister and paid caregivers for elder abuse. But it was the other way around.

My sister is in your shoes, being the caregiver living at home w/our mom, and is POA. I by contrast am the visiting caregiver. My sister and me do differ fundamentally speaking, in our views at times. But I try my best to put some of those feelings at bay, when it comes to the bigger picture w/mom.
I admire my sister, and for the person she is and value the things she does for mom. So I want to offer you this kind of energy as a sister girlfriend of sorts from miles away. If I lived in your township, I'd be glad to drop in on your mum and relieve you. Even if I can't, I hope you feel this energy today, from me. Love and Light! Margeaux

Cattails, Congratulations to you, and your gandaughter. These are very special moments for both of you. She sounds like a compassionate person, from what you shared about her. How refreshing to hear that there are still grandchildren, no less, who are good people, and not self centered. If she spent 12 years being raised by you, I'm sure common sense, and compassion rubbed off. The fruits of the love. More Joy to you Cattails! Margeaux

gavanno - that is absolutely dreadful - sibling tattling taken to its worst. Do what you have to do to protect yourself. It does sound like there are some skeletons in the family closet. Kudos to you for doing such a good job for your mum
Hi everyone, hanna, lildeb, cattails, sharyn, cmag, bill, margeaux - everyone - hard catching up on everything. I see some issues with kids, BTDT and fortunately they are pretty sell settled now, I had to form different guidlelines for different kids as their needs, strengths and weaknesses were not the same.They all have partners that they are happy with, and decent responsible lives which as all I ever hoped for, though it was not all smooth sailing in the past.Now watching the grandkids grow up and going through their stuff. I "mother" a nephew, and just started connecting with a cousin's kid -Brilliant young man, but the family history is a mess. Fortunately his dad, my cousin is setttled with a wonderul woman, but there was a time when his mum was pretty unstable. You do what you can do - kudos to you cattails for helping your grandaughter - and what rewards that has brought you, and you also cmag and others for breaking the dysfunctional family cycle. It is something all of us work on.

My crazy weekend if over, and despite a few blips which I just had to swallow, overall it went well. I reconnected with some cousins, got to know their children and their grandchildren a little better. It was great seeing people that I have spent good times with in the past, and share good memories with. It was healing for me to be with all the "normal" nice people we have in the family, and helps to keep things in perspective. My mother did a few of her narcissistic tricks, one of which included not recognizing me at the evening "do" , no she doesn't have Alz or any other dementia, and she has never failed to recognize anyone, and, no, I didn't look different - people who hadn't seem me in years recognized me immediately. It was a message as she was displeased with me over something. Could have been worse. My cousin's son made the toast, and it was hilarious as he would mention something, and she would correct him on a detail - it happened quite a few times, and everyone laughed. Finally he suggested that they should go on the road as a comedy team I think she missed the humour but everyone else got it. have a good day everyone (((((((hugs)))))) Joan

gavano~Wow, what an ordeal for you and mom to go through! I see nothing wrong with you having friends or people from your church community help you. You are only one person trying to do it all and we are not superhuman. I suggest that you not contact your siblings again. All communication should be done through your attorney, including informing your siblings of any changes in your mom's health that you want them to know. These other issues you refer to could be something that goes way back with your family and since you are so much younger than the others, you have no knowledge of it. Some times there are issues that have arisen that family members sweep under the rug. I say this because it happened in my family. I, being the youngest was kept in the dark about some issues regarding my brother when he was a teenager. It most likely could be something that doesn't even involve you, but they are targeting you just the same. Continue to work with your attorney and in the mean time, don't contact your siblings again. I hope you get resolution soon as well as some help from friends/church family. Keep us updated and welcome to our group!!

Bilmo2012, thanks for your input. Unfortunately, my mother never had any siblings and we never really knew my father's side of the family, so there are no relatives to hand except me. When this got nasty last year I tried to contact some of my late dad's family and a cousin on my mother's side but although I received a response, the gap of many, many years in not being involved with someone didn't really lead anywhere.
The two sisters, 16 and 20 years older than me, one here in Scotland, one in USA, caused most of this. My brother, 26 years in USA now, lives in a conveniently straightforward world - he says that I have the power to choose to put our mum in a nursing home if I want, that only I am stopping myself from having more freedom. He did not express outrage either at what our sisters have done, - he lives in the same state as one of them and does not talk to her. Whilst he stays in touch with my mother and I, he has also voiced that he doesn't think I should be involving people outwith myself to be carer! I point out to him that these people are my friends and that is what friends do, especially when all other immediate family REFUSE to give any help at all in practical terms. He has stated that he will not help out in practical terms, that it is my 'call'. With him being in USA for 26 years and his sister there for 40 years (I am 45) AND the one here (she is mid 60s) estranged voluntarily from her mother, the gap in years and distance of miles have done nothing to help this situation, although we all have the same parents. I still see it as no excuse for them offering no help and in the sisters' case, resorting to base lies about myself to authorities, to cover their own refusal to help in anyway, once I started pointing out to them a couple years ago that our mother was getting older and that I am only one of four!
As regards the legal aspect, given that my mum was released into my care after her horrific ordeal last year, the lawyer believes we have a case for action against the social services staff who failed to verify the lies of two sisters before acting as they did; as regards dealing legally with them themselves for slurring my character with lies, we are told that we would need to use a lawyer in USA (TN) to deal with the one there, but the lawyer we have here in Glasgow (SCotland) can deal with the one who lives here, although as she told us, proving slander/defamation is a difficult thing - we are in the process of accessing the social work records to find out the full extent of their lies before the lawyer proceeds. I have decided to 'give it back' via the law to them as what they done was completely uncalled for and affected both my own health and the health of their mother, mid 80s. The sister in USA used what she thought was the distance of miles and difference in legal jurisdiction to write some of the most insane lies - that I had a criminal record, was 'dangerous', had 'multiple personalities' and had been 'diagnosed years ago with schizophrenia'. All of lies, as I easily proved to social services by asking them to access my doctor's records and to make a check on any criminal charges I had (none). The lawyer says it will take time but we may get a result that makes these people realise there is a price to pay for what they did. The hatred I encountered also from the two sisters was beyond reason - the jist of it being that they say they believe I shouldn't have been born! (Yes these are women now in their early and mid 60s, I am 45). And all because I asked them to play a part in looking after their mother. The sister here has the only grandchildren (now in their 30s themselves) to my mother yet they also refused to visit her and the grandson even refused to invite my mum to his wedding. Why I do not know - I feel as if I have been caught up in not just my mum's care, but other issues I do not understand as they never explain their actions. I even wrote to this grandson (my nephew) last year to remind him my mum was still around but the communication was ignored.

Cmagnum, Thanks for allowing us to have the opportunity to read your autobiography. I can relate to a lot of what you mention and especially not having much of a childhood lifestyle. I am so happy that your wife and you are able as well to try and break those chains so that they do not move on to the next family generation cycle. However, we all know we cannot do it all and hopefully your children will eventually be able to break what chains that are left that need to be broken in order to live a happy life style for their children. I think that it is so great that you are seeing a therapist to get help through all those years for know there is tons of other stuff in between that can be pretty nasty, hurtful, scarey and yet there is a lttile good as well. In a way this website is like a therapy place for me sometimes and one day I may still write that book. ; )

hanna36~ Yes home healthcare does run around $20. an hour. They can also do laundry, light house keeping, meals. So they would not just be sitting with him. Another option is if you belong to a church. You can involve church volunteers to come and stay with him. Or call the local county Area on Aging. It is a tough situation and I hate to see you lose your job because you will have to work in the future. Maybe you could go out on stress leave and get disability for 6-8 weeks and use that time to dig into looking for a permanent solution for dad.

Shary, I do not live with either of my parents. My dad is under hospice care so they do provide a visiting nurse and aid to help with bathing. But no service that I have found will just "sit" with him unless paid $20 or more. The fmla is set up that way but due to the fact that I got very sick (from being burnt out they say) this past winter I do not have enough hours worked to qualify.

The crazy part with him is that his gf is a nurse who doesn't work....yet she basically shut down and is useless

hanna36~Are you living with your father and his girlfriend? Who is paying for dad's care? I ask because you may be able to get home healthcare to come in and help a few hours a day at the time it is most helpful to you. I know that parents refuse to have strangers come in the home to help them, but you may have to stand strong on this and tell your father you have to continue to work. Isn't the FMLA set up so you can reapply yearly? If so then reapply. I have found that with my employer, the less I tell them about my mother's situation the better because I don't feel they are very supportive of this type of situation. I know it is difficult, and ailing parents tend not to think about your future in terms of your employment. There is also placing him in a nursing home or respite. My mother will eventually have to be placed because my sis and I have to work also. Good luck and I hope you find some help soon.