The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

notlikemom, thanks. My life is full of a lot of things with my stuff plus my wife's biopsy, her bad carpel tunnel in her right wrist and the herniated disks in her back. The shots for the back are helping, but the shot in the wrist did not. I'm feeling overwhelmed with how more and more is becoming mine to do and take care of. We have yet to put the Christmas stuff up for the year. The refrigerator plus the kitchen as well as the bathroom floors need cleaning as does the tub in the master bathroom and the shower. The living room, dinning room, den and hall all need cleaning. Our oldest's room also doubles as a place for my wife's desk. It need to be straightened up. I'm not about to touch our youngest son's room. It's a mess. We have piles of clothes in our master bedroom that need to be put up and the walk in closet needs straightening up. Once the master bedroom is right, it can then be cleaned. Several items will wait for much warmer weather like cleaning up the little garage, the screened in porch, as well as filling the holes in the yard that the dog dug, getting rid of the clutter in the garage, getting rid of some mess that needs to go to the yard fill, plus some caulking and painting that needs to be done. This month, I need to work on my taxes once I have everything so that I can help the boys fill in their FASFA applications for money for college. It is almost tax season for my mother and step-dad's taxes which should be very easy this year.

cmag-Hugs. Your life is very full of things you are dealing with, and the sleeping issue sounds awful to bear, too. I really hope the new doc can take a fresh look and adjust some things so you feel better. Prayers.
I am sick and tired of waiting for Mom to blow up. I know it will happen, and I feel like a hypocrite for trying to be nice to her. She spent all day yelling at Dad about the funeral thing we went to yesterday. He didn't tell me all of it, but it's classic "What did people say about me?" and "What did you tell people about why I wasn't there?" BS. I keep waiting for her to say something to me, too, because I went, but she hasn't. I don't know which is worse - her being mad at me or me waiting for her to be mad at me! I supose I should take the good while I can, but I just don't feel that way. Not after the way she's treated me for the last few months. I don't believe her being nice is real. I think it's just her way of lulling me so she can snap at me when I least expect it. It's very frustrating.
Good night all.

notlike, the nuvigil that I take is often given to people with sleep apnea who even with the machine are not getting enough sleep. I take the max dose twice a day and am still sleepy. I take androgel each day because my pituitary gland no longer tells my body to make testosterone. So, I take as much each day as a man my age would normally make. Even with that, I'm still groggy. I've been on disability with my bi-polar disorder and other health problems since 2003 and being on such 'medical retirement' as I call it does make one fell older than they are. Add to that the stress of digging my mother and step-dad out of unpaid back taxes to 2004 starting in 2009, plus her drastic health changes, while working on family of origin issues in therapy all contributed to making 2010 a very exhausting year for this lethargic, depression, sleeping too much hit me in January of 2011 and lifted for about two months when I first started taking nuvigil. But after those two months and all of the walking I was able to accomplished, I crashed once again with very few days when I really felt up to doing some yard work or washing the cars. I don't even have the get up and go to get up and get out to walk my dog like I did at one time.

notlikemom, thanks, I get all of my meds from the same pharmacy. I've gained back all 21 pounds that I previously lost. Personally, I think my psychiatrist is so afraid of mania that when he doubled my wellbutrin, he added abilify. I've basically been the same weight I am now that I've been since starting to see him in the fall of 2002. I am looking forward to checking out a new psychiatrist who is fresh out of med school. I'm 54 and my current psychiatrist is 20 years older than I am. My wife went to him for years before falling out with him, and I am about to do the same thing. I've got so much on my plate right now that I don't care to see my current psychiatrist tomorrow if all he is going to do is complain about my weight and leave my meds the same.

notlike - mother is like that daily too. She sat in her beautiful apartment, healthy, well nourished, and well dressed, and told me it was disgraceful; how this province treated their seniors!. I just looked at her and didn't say a word, but my thought was. "No one who sees you and your situation would buy that, mother!" She sits and thinks about anything, and everything that isn't exactly how she wants it and then gets upset by it.

Actually, I seem to be much better today, thanks. I went out in the cold, cold, Artic chill and got groceries and have been cooking since. Ready for bed now. You got that right - my song will be "So Long, it's been good to know ya!" I don't know why everything has to be a drama but it does. Maybe to draw attention to themselves as their need to be the center of the universe is huge.

Jessie and Brandy - how are you doiing?

Jon - would really like to hear how you gained immunity

cmag - prayers for you both ongoing

I read some jokes about narcissists the other day. - here are a few. We can always use a laugh.

What's a narcissist's idea of being a "slave"?
Answer: Not being able to boss everyone else about

What is a narcissist's idea of equality?
Answer: Being equally bossy to everyone else

What is a narcissist's idea of being abused? (my mother for sure)
Occasionally having to go along with someone else's preferences

Have a good night.

cmag- I will keep praying for you and your wife. that is alot of stress and alot of meds. As we get older (I DK how old you are), sometimes med doses need to be cut because it's too much for the body the metabolize. Do you get all your meds at the same pharmacy? Maybe they would go through them with you and make suggestions. Please don't worry about weight loss right now. Some comfort food, some healthier food, and you will get through this. Hugs.
emjo- I can see what you're saying about the Rockies trip every day here with Mom. There is so much she could be enjoying and just won't. it's such a shame. Sorry you are still feeling sick! Get better soon. I'll bet you'll be singing "glad it's over" instead of Happy Birthday. Why does everything have to be such a drama? Some of us really don't need or want that. Yet we are supposed to fix it. You are very wise and I know you've worked hard to be detached. Hugs.
Jessie- thinking of you, girl! So glad you found this site. Hugs.
Enough for me tonight. bath,then bed.

I agree with your primary physician - much more realistic.
Lots of drugs for sure, cmag. Heavy ones from the psychiatrist,.that could affect weight and sleep. I am on an low dose antidepressant for fibromyalgia and end up cutting up pills as a dose between the two lowest ones works best. If I take more I can't sleep. Periodically I try less, but it hasn't worked so far.
It seems most of us should be taking Vit D. A warning for you about Zyrtec - people can have some bad withdrawal symptoms coming off it. I did. Eventually, with careful weaning I got off it, but it took a couple of months at least.

My primary physician thinks 190 is a more realistic goal for me right now at 5ft 7. He has me on singulair, flonase, a diuretic, sodium and metformin along with the suppliment Omega 3. Now that zyrtec with D is no longer a prescription drug, I take it also to help with my allergies. My endocrinologist has me on androgel plus the following suppliments, i.e. Calcium Citrate with D, multivitim, and extra vitamin D. My psychiatrist has me on wellbutrin, abilify, nuvigil, and lamictal. My skin doctor has me on two meds also. I use my sleep apnea machine every night.

I think it best to handle one major stressor at a time. You and your wife have a lot on your plate right now. To me it is the thing that has to be dealt with right now. Unless something else is life threatening, I think it is fine to put it on the back burner. I don't mean to overeat, but just not to worry about reaching the extreme goal. Too much stress can be as bad or worse than too much weight. So enjoy some comfort food as long as it isn't too much. You'll know when it is time to concentrate more on losing weight.

Ten medicines sounds like a lot for anybody. It would even be a chore to take them! I don't know what they are all for, but I guess if your doctor prescribed them, he/she must have known why. I am never afraid to question the logic of doctors, though. Even the best ones can over-prescribe at times.

I suppose you are, cmag. You have much hanging over you. I think a goal of 135 lbs is insane too. Maybe 165 ~. I think choosing impossible goals is a set up for failure, and no one who is trying to lose lbs needs that lind of discouragement. Hopefully your new psychiatrist will be better in that regard and in others.
hugs and prayers

There has to be some interaction between all the drugs you are on and also side effects. Most antidepressants cause weight gain, and the lethargy likely is a side effect.

Thanks Jessie and emjo. I'm feeling rather lonely myself. My anxiety is showing itself in eating too much, plus some of my comfort food are not that healthy. I was going to meet with my new psychiatrist on Monday, but that is a holiday. Well, that leave my appointment with my present psychiatrist appointment on Monday for he is not celebrating that holiday like others are. He's on a crusade to see me lose down to 135 lbs which is insane. I've not been 135 since I was jr. high school. I was 165 when I got married. When I was doing power lifting in my early forties, I weighed 226. I have weighed in the 250's or so up and down a little for the past 10 years which have been full of a lot of stress. Frankly, I think there is some interaction going on between my 10+ prescriptions that I am on which is contributing to my not feeling rested when I get up and lethargic to the point that I just don't have that much energy and can fall asleep during the day at almost any time.

yes ((((((hugs)))) to you both. This must be a very difficult time. There must be a great lonelineess for her in facing what she is facing. Your support will be unvaluable,
prayers

I know there has to be a lot of hope and dread. If it is cancer, then the next few months will be hard. If it is, I hope they get all of it and that it never comes back. I am glad that you are there with her, cmag.

Waiting for the news, at the earliest on Wednesday is getting very tough for my wife. She keeps going over and over the biopsy itself plus everything she's read online. I'm listening and being supportive.

The bigger question is how are you and your wife today, cmag?

Good morning, how is everyone doing today?

notlike - not much fun to be with - My youngest son and I took mother to the Rockies as she hadn't seen them for years. Mother and I went out for morning walks and she complained and complained about this and that the whole time. It was a miserable trip and I swore I would never do it again. All this beauty around, and I don't know that she even saw it. Such a shame.

" I'm getting better at not feeling that way, but it's not easy. She makes it sound so logical her way and there's no arguing with her."
.
Oh yes, The rings a bell! Everything sounds so logical, but if you step back, and look at the bigger picture, it isn't.

jessie - too - It isn't you, it is them, but we are so conditioned from childhood to think it is our fault and that we are responsible for their happiness.

jonath - welcome and please do share with us how you became immune. I am sure it took some work. Good for you for staying on your own path in life. What is a whole woman anyway? We can talk physical, emotional etc. I have known some people who were not physically or mentally whole. but were emotionally whole.

brandy (((((hugs)))) I know it is hard with your own pain, your husband's decline, and your mum and then a bossy sister on top of that. Hope you find some ways to make it easier for you and draw some boundaries with your sis and mum. It must drag you down.

We are in the throes of mother and my sister (main gopher - her turn this time) organizing a birthday party for mother, and mother asking 3 people to do the same thing, but not informing the others. It ends up with confusion and hurt feelings. I have seen this before, so did some checking with a relative and we are sorting one part out behind the scenes. I have had 5 emails today with variations of the same request (demand) and more will come. Thankfully, I am detached. And all of this has to be done immediately, if not sooner. I have flu, and an infection and get coughing spells, so this is not a good time for me to be on the phone much. I haven't even mentioned it because things like that don't sink in. - the way it always has been.

My theme song is "I will survive!"

love and hugs everyone ♥
jo

Oh Jessie, you hit the nail on the head. They will say "I'm not a (blank) person," but never the truth, which is that they are not a NICE person. Sorry to hear it is like that for you, and I do know how you feel. If I had a dollar for everytime Mom said no to something, or that she just couldn't do the normal, polite thing, I'd be rich. I asked her last week, when I was angry, if we needed to go back to kindergarten and learn how to be polite and nice to each other.
Mom will come into the kitchen and sit facing away from us. When she's in a mood, which is most of the time, she answers with only a word or two. I had set some cookies on the counter, then saw them later in the garbage. I asked her "Didn't you want the cookies?" her response was "I threw them away, didn't I?" When I said that I was asking because I was wondering why she didn't want them, I was told that's not what I actually said, and I could see that she didn't want them because she had thrown them away. Needles to say, I won't be buying anymore cookies for her. I didn't bake the cookies, package them, or even pick them out (Dad did), so I know it wasn't me. But in the heat of the moment, I thought I was stupid for asking her wrong. I'm getting better at not feeling that way, but it's not easy. She makes it sound so logical her way and there's no arguing with her.

notlikemom, you said so much in only a few words. This morning I went into the kitchen and said hello cheerfully. My greeting was met by my mother's dour face. She didn't even look at me. You are so right in what you said. I stopped to think how I was feeling by the rejection. Did I not say hello nice enough? Was I such a wretched person that no matter how nice I said it, it wouldn't be acceptable? These feelings were just a flash through me, but I know it is how I really felt about the moment.

If I say something to her about it, she will say "I'm just not a morning person." But I know she is not a morning, afternoon, evening, or night person. She is just a mean and spiteful woman. How she got that way, I don't know. I'm sorry she never chose to deal with it, and expected everyone else to make special allowances for her.

My mother controls with her mood. "If Mom ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." And mom is never happy. notlikemom, you are so right that it is not us.

Emjo-Jackets, serving bowls, what little things they use to control. It amazes me that so much time is used up by them trying to push us around. Here my Mom is, living the last of her life. She won't go anywhere fun with me, but spends whole days trying to destroy what I do have. What a waste!
Brandy-hugs to you. I too feel like I can do no right, only wrong. Learning to realize that I really am RIGHT, and what's wrong with me is that I'm not mean and nasty like her. Trust you instincts. I think you are perfect just the way you are. And a wonderful person for doing what you are doing. More hugs.
Cmag-please keep us posted. Continued prayers.
JinO-Good to meet you. Your wife sounds like a lucky lady. I think that's the best kind of relationship-where both people realize how lucky they are to have found each other. Would you please explain how you became immune to your family's dysfunction? Would like to know more about your journey.
Mom's turned on Dad again this week. It hurts to see him being the whipping boy. I don't know how or why he continues this over and over.

cmag, No, they don't live in the same house or in my house, thank God but about a mile away from each other and a mile in another direction from me. What does my hubby think about all this? He has mild cognitive impairment so his thinking is distorted and confused. Fun, I have two people with mental issues to take care of. As for the this too shall pass, it just gives me hope, however long it will be.

brandywine1949, I'm sorry that you feel so in bondage to your mom and BOSS. She sounds extremely enmeshed with her mother and controls her like a supreme narcissist. Do both of them live in your house? Often, when the dominator no longer has a slave, the slave driver crumbles because they are actually so dependent upon their slave. What does your husband think about all of this? How long do you think this might be for 'this to shall pass'?

While not as bad as either my or my wife's family or origin, we had our own dysfunctionalism as a result of what we went through despite the fact that we each wanted better for our boys. However, before each left home my wife had made significant progress with her mother issues and I've made a lot of progress. Thus, we feel closer together and will be better parents for our adult children who are in college.

I definitely come from a dysfunctional family, both the one I grew up in and the one my husband and I created. (he mostly, because he had been married before to an alcoholic and had baggage.) But I digress. We didn't drink, do drugs, or molest or the like but there was dysf. Can't go into detail bc my sister would recognize me if I posted more. So now she is the BOSS and controls mom like they are one person. I can do no right and am always wrong. I am their lackey. I could go on and on. I just tell myself, this too shall pass.

Hi everyone,

We are back home from my wife's biopsy. The procedure was not as bad as my wife expected. We might learn the results as early as Wed. Thanks for your prayers. I will keep you updated.

Welcome, JonathninOregon! You have had quite a journey and from your post here and your profile, you have your hands very full of caretaking several people now.

Cmag, 17 years ago I started dating a woman in a wheelchair. My sainted, but raging codependent mother told me that I deserve a "whole woman." I asked my mother not to make me choose between my disabled girlfriend and my mother's affection. It took about ten years for mom to see that I found myself in caregiving, and it has made me happier than anything I've ever done while trying to make myself happy. My family still has its dysfunctions, and I still love them with all their flaws. But finding myself has been the best revenge. Among other things, I'm immune to their efforts to control my emotional state. I'm so happy I can't see straight, and I don't need family support to celebrate it every single day. When they offer support, I take it, of course. I'm just about broke, but I'll proudly go to the poorhouse pushing my wife's manual chair.

notlike - now you have me laughing - the idea of a nar ( have to distinguish it from a narc lol) having a sense of humour!!! - or at least a sense of humour that others understand. certainly not one at her own expense. No, not your fault if she takes it the wrong way. Some people seem to look for insults. You can't win.

Nothing you can do about the blood if she doesn't want to admit it. I suppose you or your dad could mention it to her doctor.

She will likely "push" whatever she can - as I said - it is what they do. I think you handled the supper thing very well. Re your serving plates, I would be inclined to say that you like them. Mother used to want to go shopping for clothes with me when I visited her. She would pick out things that she wanted me to have, push me to try them on, and then sit and makes comments - not all complimentary. Finally I said "Don't you think I dress well? Most people think I do." Her answer was that she thought I would like her opinion, as my sister did. I said no I don't, I can pick out my own clothes, and BTW my sister doesn't appreciate your advice either. They don't do subtle. That was the last shopping trip we went on. Not true - we happened to be in a mall a few years ago and I saw black leather jackets on sale. I should have waited and gone back alone. She kept pushing me to try on larger sizes and different styles - like guy's jackets. The clerks were very good and kept doing the right things. Finally she gave up and went outside the shop to wait till I was finished. There was a very "trendy" sort of bad girl jacket, I might have bought had I been on my own. It did look nice in but, the mama interference was too much. Aaargh - the big and little ways they try to control.

Jessie-that article on not telling the doctor the truth was really good. I can see it my Mom, too. Dad showed me the blood from her "dry nose" on Sunday. There were dried streaks on the seat belt in the van. Even dripping from a runny nose does not account for what I saw. But what can I do but what until it happens again, and maybe again and again? She's been told a hundred ways that we all care, and want to help, but we can't make her tell the truth. Loss of independence is a big issue, especially when parents are difficult to start with.
Emjo-darn, I was spelling nar. by copying you. If you had typos, so do I! LOL Tonight Mom came and asked me what I was thinking for supper. I told her, nicely, we had it figured out. We're eating up frozen pizza rolls because there's too much snow for delivery. True colors came out a little while later when hubby made a joke about not saying things in front of the 'children.' She walked past me and said "We're the parents, not the children." Can't take a joke on a good day, can take it even less when I spoil her thunder by not doing dinner with her. I'm not surprised. If she pushes it, I'm going to tell her he was talking about the "furry" children - our dogs. Not my fault if she assumed it was about her or if she didn't like the joke.
Still praying for you and your wife, Cmag.

jessie - I am sure you are right about fear of losing independence.
You certainly do live in depressing circumstances. It must be very hard. I hope you get out for some "you" time -some activities away from that depressing environment just for you.
talking things out is great - helps a lot.
notlike - glad I could affirm whast you were thinking. I totally support you reclaiming your life.You can only change you, but sometimes others change a bit, once you have. And sometimes they don't. In any case you will be doing better. I expect there will be some challenges - narcissists don't give up easily, but if you stay firm you will succeed and she will settle down. Let us know and will will walk through it with you.
cmag - if you can get to a computer - thinking of you and your wife - prayers going out

It is great to have a place to talk about things. I know I'm not depressed, but I know I am in depressing circumstances. It is hard to live with miserable people knowing there is no way I can shake them out of the misery. Sometimes I can ease it for a moment, but it doesn't last longer than a sentence. My mother is fixated on her nerves, and my father doesn't realize the impact that his dour behavior has on others. Both are afraid to move, it seems -- perhaps because the slightest thing could upset their home-apple cart. A fall or a mental break could cost them their independence. (That was a very good article that was posted here a couple of days ago about not being truthful to doctors for fear it would cost the elders' independence. I think this applies to many things.)