The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

In talking to friends, I've found that many of us had a "less than healthy" family-of-origin situation. And most of my friends, just as I did, moved away from the family as young adults. Then, thankfully, most of us went on to make productive, happy lives (with some speed bumps in the road). And now here we are at the age where we're called on to care for family members and the issues we moved away from are right back at our doorsteps. Deal with them now or deal with them later.

I just signed up for a "Hope for the Heart" seminar in June on dealing with Dysfunctional Families. I think just me and my friends will end up filling the room. :)

If exhaustion from dealing with the family member's needs don't consume you, then there are the emotional issues that will drown you if you let them. I hope to have these things untangled before my mom is gone.

Cmagnum, a few months ago I got to see the play "Screwtape Letters" (one of my favorite books). The lead actor had memorized the entire book - it was amazing. We loved the play. So much truth packed in so few pages.

Tdennard, my heart goes out to you. You sound so tired. And it is so hard to get perspective that will lead to solutions when you're exhausted. There is much wise counsel on this site.

Cmagum You really know your Bible it is refreshing to read what you write.We studied The Screwtape Letters at our Wed night meetings at church. O ur pastor had R.C.Sprol for a teacher at Seminary.

TDennard2601, welcome to this thread!

I've got some ideas and some questions. It would help us if you filled in your profile with more details like information about the other two disabled relatives. What are their ages and health challenges?

Does your mother and the other two relatives whom I assume live in the same house have any means to help pay for some daytime care? Or would it be possible for you and your sister to contribute to some day time care? If so, then it would be possible for you and your sister to alternate nights as well as the weekends.

What kinds of ideas have you and your husband discussed as possibilities? What ideas has your sister and her husband talked about to deal with this? Sounds like the only way for all four of ya'll to talk at one time for a family meeting would be a conference telephone call which maybe you have already done.

Your mother sounds like she would be readier for assisted living than for a nursing home. Between you and your sister who has Durable and Medical POA for your mother? Who has these POAs of the other two relatives?

It sounds like the candle is being burnt at each end and are not far from meeting in the middle which will be burnout.

I wish that I had more ideas than this and I'm sure others on this thread will have more input for you.

Please keep in touch to see what others will have to suggest and to let us how you are doing.

If there's anyone out there who has answers to this, please let me know. How do you maintain your own family when you're a caregiver living between two homes? I have a husband and two teenage children. They see me for maybe 30 minutes each night when I come home from work and have to run over to my mom's to relieve my sister (who cares for her during the day, along with two other disabled relatives). I work the night shift, and by the way, agencies don't pay for overnight care, to my knowledge. My mom's stroke caused her sight to be impaired on the left side. Other than that, she's functional. However, we still have to be there to cook, clean, drive her places, etc. I work during the day and care for mom and her household at night. My sister and I alternate weekends. Private care is very expensive and with just the two of us, we're about to hit a wall in our emotions because we don't get a chance to see our families very much. Is there anyone out there that can give any advice.

Hopeful

(((((((burned))))))) -glad you have a therapist to help you through this. Cats are great companions. Dreams are good - hang onto yours..I am sorry you are at the end of your tether. You have a huge load to carry, with young children and a very ill husband, and no support from family. Sending love and cyber support - some days we just have to hang in there ((((((((hugs)))))))
jo

today has been a real rough one for me and again I came close to flying off real bad but then I remember my place and my children. I see a therapist and I have a place to vent it out so I do not cause damage to the ones I love. Sometimes I wish it was all a dream that my past was what it was but I can only change the future...I just find myself lacking empathy most of the time and tuning all out. I am just glad my sister will never see how bad from my perspective what it is like to constantly forgive and let go.I do my best to not please ppl but do what is right and right now my only friends in the world are few and my children and husband...especially my cat...she is there and she loves to play but it does get emotionally tense in this house at times. If I had my way my kids will be married and i be vacationing somewhere exotic...somewhere my introverted self can become like a hermit....become ObiWan Kenobi ....one of the exiled Jedi....how wish I had the power to be neutral and fight for good ..I am sorry I am just near tears...this has been one of my worst out of control days ever...I need to find a way to bring peace to this house and soon...

Sometimes, we think God has turned his back on us because we don't 'fee his presence' like we once did. In the book, Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis are several stories of temptation. One story is about getting the Christian to focus their faith on their feeling that God is with them and keep them so focused in that direction, that when they hit seasons of not 'feeling God's presence' they wonder where God has gone and if they are a Christian anymore. Experiences of God's presence are great and bring about strong religious feelings, but the foundation of our faith in God is not based on experiences or upon feelings, but upon the Word of God which promises he will never leave or forsake us.

Sometimes, we think God has abandoned us because of being hurt so much by harmful people to the point that bitterness begins to take root in our hearts. The arrows of those experiences become the means by which we are tempted to think that God has turned his back on us because of so much tragedy in our lives. However, in the NT we are told that Jesus fully identified himself with our human experience and is our compassionate savior to help us in our time of need. In such times when others have hurt us a lot it is difficult to be angry yet not sin, but that is where prayer and forgiveness comes in. In such a situation forgiveness does not mean forgetting the experiences as if they never took place (which is not possible nor healthy), but it means to take the person off of your hook and put them on God's hook which means leaving vengeance in the hands of God.

Barnacles are like the tragedies of life.
On a wooden ship they destroy its life.
Those who run into them are diced.
Barnacles can shipwreck your or another’s life.

Ever hear that hurt people, hurt people too?
How can this not be true of me and you.

Difficult to do in the middle and after a painful crisis.
Refuse to feel the pain and anger of being diced.
End up numb and dumb just like ice.

To forever nurse the pain,
Leads to never being free to love again.

We cannot chose to be or not to be hurt by the barnacle like tragedies and people in life.
However, we can chose not to let those experiences make us like a barnacle in another’s life.

To be or not to be a barnacle is the question for tonight.
To feel hurt and anger, but sin not is a difficult fight.

However, it is the biblical way to a better day.
Yet holding on to it and nursing it digs a dark and dreary day.

People, we do this as if it will somehow accomplish something.
But honestly, that choice accomplishes nothing

Sometimes we feel like God has turned his back on us when we make the mistake of confusing the Christian life with the American dream or some unhealthy view of faith.


Path Through Tragic Pain
Based on the book Tragic Redemption by Hiram Johnson

God’s solution for crushing tragedy
is not an offer of a miraculous remedy.

God offers not a formula to eliminate or insulate,
Instead God calls us on the path to participate.

God’s grace transforming our places of humiliation,
such is the journey of tragic redemption.

Wise words, pure and true, meant as a healing too1,
used wrongly are just cruel.

‘What ifs’ only chain us to the past.
Blame games brings healing which does not last.

Naive expectations seek for faith to work like magic.
Yet, by faith we walk through the tragic.

Various addictions help excuse our real condition.
They block the way for helpful consolation.

Tragic pain easily becomes fused into a sick self-identification.
A calloused soul greatly needing tragic redemption.

Tragic feelings deep and real are not the center of the universe,
‘No one knows the trouble I’ve seen’ needs another verse.

Other’s tragedies might not be as bad.
While some are far worse than what we had.

Sucking others into our misery,
creates a path to further insanity.

Locked in by self centered rage,
like a wild animal in a cage.

Bitterness creates an illusion of security and control.
Yet, it will not make one whole.

Sometimes, when we feel that God has turned his back on us, it is because the pain in our lives drives us to ask the question why God allows suffering and evil in the world. It is the result of God taking the risk in giving people free will. We can suffer because of wrong choices that we make and we can suffer because of the wrong choices that others make which impact our life.

I hope what I've shared here is helpful.

May God bless all of you handling the burden of caring for loved ones alone-you are not alone-here you will get those who understand and get it.

Izabella, welcome to this thread! I remember reading your story on the "stress getting the best of you" thread. I hope you will return and share some more. I hope you will tell us why you feel that God has abandoned you. This is not an uncommon feeling when we are under a lot of stress and burned out.

cmag.. I saw this thread and had to re-read it again..could not believe how it is so my situation.. I said to my husband the other day.. I've never had anyone ask me "how are you dealin with all"?? .. I have three sisters and they have choosen not to help w/our mom.. the stress and the emotional toll it takes is just too much for them.. so I have choosen to never-ever speak to them again.. I would never desert them if all was reversed and mom was living w/one of them.. I have posted my story on the "stress getting the best of you" thread..and honestly it helped me to have someone to just talk to that truly understands how caring for our parents takes so much.. I seem to cry everyday.. from saddness..fustration..anger(at my screwed up family).. I feel very alone in this battle.. My mom use to being independent..so now living w/me is not an easy adjustment..plus she has confusion issues..and some health issues.. so I take care of er 24/7..no break..no help.. I recently had an mastectomy and am due for another surgery..and I havnt had time to fully absorb my own emotions.. I am so hurt..and so amazed that my whole family has turned their back on me.. I never thought they would do this when I need them the most.. I send prayers..to everyone who is in my situation.. all I do is talk to God.. sometimes I do feel he has also turned his back on me ..

As Erma Bromback saie normel is a setting on a washing machine. This thread is a blessing so many of us are products of dysfunctional families-accepting that you are not the problem and you can not fix them -only yourself and when you change the situation may get worse and many go from a bad family into a bad marriage-when I finally learned that I did not deserve the treatment I was gett ing from the husband that was the day he lost his power over me but when he was dieding and in and out of being responsive I was the only one he would not respond to by opening his eyes or trying to talk to-I must have blanked it out for about 6 months then it came back to me and that night I took off my rings and never put them back on-I think he needed to punish me one more time. I had thought he might want to ask for forgiveness for his bad behavior but he did not do that for me.

(((((hugs)))))) to all here. I have been MIA with the tail end of this bug which made me soooo sleepy.
austin - I am so glad you now know you are not alone and that you talked with your sis. There are lots of us here coping with dysfunctional families, narcissitic mums or dads, unhelpful and even toxic siblings. On top of that our parents are aging and have more needs than they had. Coming from dysfunctional families, we have our own "baggage" to deal with as well as current problems. It is a very heavy load and there are traps we fall into such as ending up with our own health issues as we have put the needs and sometimes the whims of others before looking after ourself.
I have learned this the hard way and will not put myself in that position again. My mother is narcissistic and has a personality disorder which made my life living h*ll at times. Dysfunctional families tend to have the "golden" child who can do no wrong, and the "black sheep/servant child (ren) who are expected to take all abuse and do the work. They manipulate through fear, obligation and guilt.(FOG).
The those of us from dysfunctional famillies tend to make marriages with the same problems - I did - and so it goes. It is so important to heal from the past even while caregiving in the present - important but very difficult.
burned - glad to see you here -you are such a fighter and have drawn some great boundaries. Hope you get relief for the migraines. Writing a letter to your mum is to get your feelings out - not to give it to her - just trash it afterwards
marj -so glad it worked out that you and sis started communicating and are in a better relationship now
wish that was always the case - my sis is more toxic than my mum, has dollar signs in her eyes ( my mother's description) and thinks nothing of blasting me and telling me she never wants to have anything more to do with me, then pretending it never happened and telling mother that I am in a funny mood again! So then I get it from mother. I refuse to play those games any more.
notlike -it still does hurt - I see such a difference between those who had "normal" upbringings who are able to deal with Alz in their parents and recognize that the disease has robbed them and changed their personality, as compared to those of us who have toxic families, are still dealing and hurting from the "poison of the past" and also have new challenges with parent's declining health.
jacs -what a challenging situation. Can you call the authorities where your mum is and ask them to look into her situation. It must be very worrying for you
elizabethgrace - detaching is difficult especially as you are facing problems ongoing, glad your bro is some help and you are getting some peace
soverytired -you are right - many of us are the family scapegoats and we need to shed the blame and guilt - it takes lots pfwork to do that I have found
jessiebelle -that is wonderful being able to let the anger go - even for a short while - high 5 to you. You must be healing from the past. I am getting closer to that as I detach and more and nore redognize that not only the aging problems,but the personality disorder and narcissism that has affected our family so much is a "disease" and maybe that the the best mother can do. Not that it means I have to throw myself under the oncoming train - I don't - and I need to protect myself from this disease as much as if she had a contagious bug. It is not an easy balance -

well that is my novel for now
hope everyone has a good day
love, hugs and prayers ♥♥♥
jo

I just finished reading all the above posts and I think this will be a great help to me-now I know that the role Mom is playing is not at all unusual and my childhood is about the same as most of you all here. Cmagnum I am so glad about the results of your wife's test and am very glad you started this thread-I do not feel so alone now after reading what others have written.

My mom doesn't get involved with fights...funny thing is my sister is on point about us owing her money when we owe her nothing....its the fact of the matter she has no empathy for anyone except for herself....none of her girls are old enough to be married yet either but her excuse is no money when I know very well she uses her husband's uncle's ssdi money illegally and get away with it but since I have no proof I can't take it to the authorities. The day I left to move to Az 6 months later they abandoned a house that was given to them in bad shape...would not fix it..I get a letter from Indiana saying I owe property taxes. I called and straighten it out and told them I was renting from her then i did not have the title or own the house. The list goes on....every time I ask to have my dress sent back she says she has no money...she would have money if she learned to be more financially smart but I am not her...so either way it will be a tussle but I will find a way....if she starts charging me a storage fee my dress then I will be pissed should of been mailed long time ago....Mom is too busy with our grandfather and dealing with his doctors to get into a tiff about it but will see but i doubt it most likely ill be told talk to her....that is how my parents are...

Just tell her you want it back since your mother made it for you and it is yours-it probably will cause a row but she should have had it cleaned and returned right after she wore it-maybe your Mom can ask her to return it to you.

I have thought of writing a letter to my mom to express how I feel but i think that excerise would be empty and my sister ( my twin) she cares about money money money if any of you heard of that Pink Floyd song. Well that is my sister...i do not care about the money but I have to remove her as beneficiary from his life insurance policies..she will never raise my kids ...omg the serious competitive edge she has drives me up the wall tg she doesnt call me everyday tg for that but i still want my wedding dress back...I do not want her daughter's wearing and I am afraid its going to be ruin a beautiful dress my mom made for me on my wedding day...how do i get her to send it to me ...any suggestions without causing another big row...

Marj you are so right on my Mom complains to me about my sister and BIL-I never respond. My sister and I really talked last fall and she did not know much what really went on with me and Mom because she was a baby boomer and I was a WW2 kid-7 years older-now adays a mother would be aressested let a 7 yr. old care for a baby with a bleeding problem and at 9 caring for a 2yr. old and a baby and expected to do all the house cleaning to boot by herself and being alone at home. My sister told me she did not know how I could even spend time with our mother now. Once a number of years ago my mother said to my aunt in front of me I guess I was a good mother you kids turned out well-my mouth fell open. My stuborness and wanting to surive and get away from home got me through.

This is a great thread and I hope it is joined by others I have been thinking about this subject a lot since visiting with my Mom and my sister and her family more in the last few years. I wish I had spoken up when I was a child but I thought the problems were all my fault -after talking with my sister last fall and telling her how bad it was for me growing up-she is 7 yrs. younger than me -she said to me it is a wonder you even can be near Mom now after all of that-that was the best thing anyone said to me and really got me thinking. Then I went on to think how can I handle my relationship with my mother at this point and decided with her age of 93 and her health and emotions it would not be good to confront her or tell her it is not allright to continue to treat me the same way-I decided that we will never have a good relationship and the only thing I can do is to ignor her digs and when I visit my sister has me stay at her house whenever possible and if I stay with Mom I make sure the visit is short-I can't change her but do not have to put up with her abuse-which I learned to do with the husband and before he died he did know the game was over by my actions and telling him it was not ok to treat me like he did.

jacjacs...when I read your post, at first thought how awful, and then a flag started waving at me, reminding me of the days when I used to talk with my mother and would hear the awful things my sister was or wasn't doing. Sis was not a caretaker as my parents were still independent (dad still is, mom passed in '09) but did live just a few blocks away from parents. I did not live close and would call mom to share news, etc. and rarely hear a good word about my sister, so for many years was mad at sis because of her attitude. Finally in the mid-90's sis and I began to e-mail each other instead of depending on written letters (rare) or phone calls during which we'd get distracted and never serious discussions. We began to compare stories we had heard about each other and discovered that we each received a different slant on the same event...and always to make mother seem to be the injured party, or the martyr of the situation. Turns out sis was not such a bad person and she did pay attention to mom and take her shopping and other places my dad refused to go, but I never got that news. But sis was married and had a life of her own, too, and could not always drop everything to do what mom wanted when she wanted....guess what I am trying to say is, do you have confirmation from a third party that your mom is really being neglected??? Have you tried to communicate directly with your sister? There can be two (or more) sides to every story! Check the facts! Now, of course if there truly is a problem, then 'burned' has some good suggestions...........and I apologize for my doubt.

Cmag-I like your suggestion about the letter. I think I will try that. Thank you.
Elizabeth-My sis lives hundred of miles away, too. My parents had been living with her for 11 years before my Mom got cancer, then my Dad, too. We moved them here to be closer to treatment, but we've also been trying to get Mom out of sis's house for years. My sis is very supportive and listens to me when I need to vent. Sounds like your brother. It really helps to have that relationship. i laughed at your Mom's quote. Mine's in "I have cancer and I can do what I want." Which makes my sister laugh because she's been doing what she wants and treating people like dirt for years. Aren't they funny sometimes? LOL
Soverytired-Kudos to what you wrote. People who are sick do complain, and loosing one's memory must be frustrating. But when there's years of issues and dysfunction, those "normal" things don't seem normal. They hurt. I love being able to vent on this site and know that the group will not see me as a bad caregiver because I get frustrated and lost sometimes.
Jessie-I think that as my Mom gets sicker, it may be easier for me. I will not be the whipping girl as much as a caregiver, hopefully. But my previous therapist said that Mom will probably throw food and mess the bed, especially if she can't talk anymore. She will find ways to express her anger. I hope she finds some peace before this is over, for her sake and mine.
Thanks to all for your support. Hope everyone has a good day.

sounds like a bad combo....you may have to call the state of indiana Aps and state ur are the daughter and ur concerned about ur mother needs being met and not being taken care...maybe the state can help transport her to you medically so you can be there for her since ur sister has either burned out or doesn't give a damn do not know which ....stand up and speak up...i do not care if she is the eldest but look into everything...

My mom lives with my sister, who is supposed to be her caretaker, but she is never at home to take care of my mom. Seems as if my sister has turned into a religious fanatic and is away at church all night and most every weekend.

Mom doesn't get fed and when she does, it's mostly fast food. She misses her doctor appointments and needs eye surgery but there is no one to take her to the doctor. I hear this and feel so helpless because she lives in Indiana and I live in Texas. I'm retired now, but don't have the finances available to me to fly up there each month to care for her. It is very frustrating because I know she needs someone to help her, but she refuses to take help from anyone that is not a family member because she doesn't trust anyone but family.

I am sorry her decline is getting worse but at least she is not living in that part of her past anymore and that is good place to be. I wish I could say I have easy relationship with my mom: when her time comes for assistance ...I wonder out of the 4 of us who is she gonna pick out to be her aide.. My mom and step dad are not full fledge seniors but in their latter 50's and maybe early 60's not sure. I have a bad habit not remembering bdays to well and that is a bit of sore spot. My parents never approved of my husband who is 13 yrs older than me and lol this funny as hell and I quote" your marrying him to have a father figure ..." this actual thought came out of my mom's thought. I said no its nothing about father's figure...its the fact he is decent man which is more than what I can say what you picked out for you...then she called me a liar and I lost my cool ....I said to my mother " why can't you stop being a bitch for once and actually believe me." Oh that earn me a round house slap ...Ill tell you this when I was 19 and she thought if my bf now husband did anything he could rape me. I was like mom statutory rape works out only for 16 and under...I am 19...therefore a consenting adult and its my life...

Here is the other half i never really discuss....when I was 17 and working at a bagel shop....i discover a lump on my boob...and it didn't go away by the time i quit that job and move on to better I still had it...I had my mother's word that she would take me to get a mammogram done etc etc. well I had this lump for nearly 5 yrs and no help...so I was still seeing my bf now husband at the time and I got real ugly with him broke it off to protect him in case I had breast cancer..well he came back around and I told him after apologizing for my crass behavior...He help arrange things and look after me I had the surgery to remove it...thank god it was a fibroid cyst and benign...Well I went off on my mom when she called where I was staying recuperating etc. I told her I am your daughter and you can never forgive me what happen in the past yet what if I actually had cancer...what was you gonna do ...do a dance on my grave...I can never forgive you for not being there for my support...I said If Sarah ( half sister) had it you would be all over it but no...I am the one that doesn't mattera n you expect to come back home to a house where there is no love for me and heal...You had ur chance and blew it...even God would frown in consternation wondering why you couldn't be there for your child...I just let it out...I couldn't handle it and now they are both christians...she has diabetes and won't even look over her mom's care but rather her dad's care which i think is unfair...I did make an a point to apologize to my mother and did tell her I forgive her that same day but I can't let go of the fact that she won't heal her relationship with her own mother and my grandpa who is still in remission is recovering from small bit of cancer himself...I just wish families were better than they are now back in the old days everyone back to the horse n drawn buggy days help each other and sometimes lived in one house cuz running a farm so much work...we have let selfishness and pride get in the way...being a caregiver brings you back to the basics of what human compassion is and kindness...at least I know if no one else is here for my husband...I am no matter the dysfunction and trying to raise 2 youngsters on my own...I am grateful for the humbling lessons I have learned and still continue to grow from...yeah sometimes I may get bent out of shape but if I had my druthers I would do anything that I can possibly can but the hand I have been dealt has made me into a neglectful aunt and a bitch to some....too much of free thinker and I have learned long ago to detach myself to the point...I just care about my world ,, my family and the need to survive and if some one doesn't like it ...then the shoe needs to be on the other foot as the expression goes...I am just glad I do not have the big elephant in my house trying to take over what isn't her business anymore....my sister lost so much and so have i...i consider that bridge half gone already...enough said ...ttyl

Cmagnum, thank you for your thoughtful response. You're right, of course, ideally Mom should take responsibility for her own feelings, but she's so far into dementia that she has completely lost the ability to reason. And, of course, I shouldn't do what I do - and I am getting better at detaching - but it's very difficult to remain detached when she calls as frightened as if she is standing in front of a speeding car and then frustrated when she realizes that I can't make anything better or won't drop everything to get to her. I reassure her that I will help her by helping her figure something out, but I can't be there all the time. And then I take a deep breath, try to figure out what to do, do it, and then go on with the plans for the day. You can't believe how much progress that is for me.

Trust me - I am aware of the situation and talking to her counselor is a source of comfort and accountability for me. I told her counselor that I don't want to end up with my daughter dreading seeing my face the way I dread my mom - that many times I just show up because of responsibility. She said that my daughter wasn't brought up in the same way, that we continue to have a loving and fun relationship and my daughter may continue to have a deep desire to see my face - even if I'm old and frail and confused. Wow. Talk about a revelation.

Sometimes something hits you that even though you should have known it, you had never put it into words.

I didn't mean to leave the impression that my brother has done nothing nor taken responsibility for our parents. We're laughing (together) at Mom's perspective. My brother and I live far apart, so there's not much he can do on a daily basis to help except call her and he does that. For 5 years after our father died, Mom lived close to him and he cared for her while I was his cheerleader (from afar), as well as the one who managed her money.. When my brother's health declined, I knew that it was time for me to step up, so I did. He tells me every day that he knows I have ended up with the worst of the situation with her, because at least her dementia hadn't progressed to this point when she was close to him. That is great validation.

We have tried so very hard not to let the drama of our parents tear us apart. We're very different and not always on the same page, nor do we always view the past with the same perspective, but he's the only person in the world with shared memories from my childhood. We don't want to lose that, so it's worth the compromises for both of us.

We're just all out here trying to cope the best we can with what we've been handed. Every day of my life I think about how some of Mom's poor choices brought her to this point and that has nothing to do with me. One thing that has gotten significantly better is that Mom has forgotten my father. They had a miserable marriage and he was outrageously controlling and bitter, but for 55 years, she kept up the front of perfection. She used to insist that they were happy and he was wonderful and what was my problem that I didn't agree with that? Thank goodness, we don't ever even have to go there any longer. Most days she can't even remember his name, which, according to her counselor, is probably why she's in a more peaceful state right now.

This is turning into a novel. I need to send everyone reading this stream-of-consciousness $125 an hour, or whatever the going rate is for counseling.

:)

Amen, sister soverytired. You said it all so well. :')

I love the suggestion from cmagnum of writing your mom a letter - not for delivery but just as a journaling activity. Journaling does bring out a lot of buried 'family of origin' issues. I have tried to look at what has happened in caring for my mom and the total destruction of sibling relationships as a blessing in a way. It has guided me to find out more about myself, who I am and accept myself for who I am. I felt all that anger that JessieBelle speaks of - mostly at my siblings and still do sometimes. I had a quieter resentment with my mom because she's old so not as responsible for her actions and I am just so overly responsible that I would be able to keep operating on auto pilot out of obligation, fear and guilt anyway. But the toxicity with my siblings let me really look at family roles and how I ended up in mine which leads to a very peaceful self acceptance. I imagine many of you are family scapegoats. As a big part of that role is to carry the negative energy of the dysfunctional family ("the sins"), it was probably destiny to end up carrying the "sin" of our parents' old age and illness as well. I think that feeling of being blamed is the root of a lot of caregiving frustration. The elder, who is really just angry that they are losing physical capabilities and mental competencies casts it off on us. We left their robe in the wrong place, we set their iced tea down in the wrong spot, we left the blind up or left the blind down or whatever the round of petty complaints is today. In fact these petty complaints might be very common for elders in the most healthy families. But if you were the family scapegoat, the triggering of that constant criticism and blame you experienced as a child can revive all the old resentments. It helps to journal, to realize that it's true - you've been carrying too much of the blame from a time when you certainly didn't deserve any of it. Alcoholism, sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional neglect - we were kids, we were not to blame for this. When you see the pattern of dysfunction and realize it's not about you, it is easier to let these things go, to separate yourself from it. You aren't a child anymore - don't let them make you feel worthless. Think instead how you came out of a childhood like that with enough love in your spirit to do what you're doing. We're amazing!

notlikemom, I remember how hard it was at 4 months. I had a good look at how the feelings in me have changed rather quickly and realized it was because I knew that my father is dying and that my mother's mind is leaving her. Being angry with them seemed to be only a way of hurting myself more. Anger is such a bad feeling and I don't want to feel it anymore. I know that we each have to deal with our own emotions, so this is not the way for many people. In my case, my anger was more toxic to me than my parents. Maybe it is still inside me somewhere, but for now it is gone. Actually, I think it's gone, though I'm sure normal anger is going to rear its head again from time to time. I don't miss that toxic anger at all! I think it was going to eat me up from the inside out.

My father is getting very weak, so my biggest concern at the moment is to make his last days on earth as comfortable and safe as possible. My mother's slipping mind could be more challenging. She refuses to be tested, but I think she would probably be diagnosed with moderate dementia. She is either not remembering or remembering wrong, and feeling fear and anger about it. And I feel her pain, because I know how I would feel if it were happening to me. And I know it may happen to me if I live long enough.

I love that the focus is off the anger I was feeling. It wasn't serving any purpose other than making me feel bad, since I was here for the long haul.

elizabethgrace, it is not your responsibility to take responsibility for how your mother feels which is codependency and that comes from emotional enmeshment with another person's emotions and causes us to feel whatever they feel. Your mother needs to take responsibility for dealing with her own feelings instead of expecting you or anyone else to fix them.

It is not easy to do, but it sounds like you need to detach with love so that you don't have to play your mom's passive/aggressive game of emotional blackmail via the unholy trinity of Fear, Obligation and Guilt! I would suggest buying the book, Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward.

Also, it is not your responsibility to take care of her, but to see that she is taken care of and is safe which is also your brother's responsibility as well.

Dear notlikemom, it's a day-to-day effort to stay on top of the emotions. Honestly, my mom being in a peaceful state right now has a lot to do with it. Wish so much didn't depend on that, but it does. When she's miserable and feels like I should be able to fix it, then I get twisted around emotionally and the anger can show back up. It also helps that my brother, although he does not live close by, validates my feelings and expresses appreciation for what I have taken on with mom.

If you can talk to a counselor, so much the better. It really helps that mom's counselor is willing to spend time with me. My mom appears to be a very sweet, soft-spoken kind little lady, which she can be. However, if you look up passive/aggressive in the dictionary, there's a picture of my white haired little mom. That is not apparent to most people.

One of my favorite (ha!) quotes from my mom: "You're the daughter and it is your responsibility to take care of me. Your brother is a man and he has important things to do." Wonder if she's referring to my RETIRED brother? And I guess the daughter she's speaking of is the one with a family, a job and a consulting business on the side?

Of course my brother thinks that is hilarious. I do too, except the joke is on me!

notlikemom, it sounds like your mother is one of those people who hoovers people in with being nice and then treats them mean. It does seem like when our parents get old and fall apart, it brings to the surface family of origin issues with greater intensity and we see where we are not as over somethings or as free from somethings or knew somethings as well as we thought. May I suggest writing a letter to your mother stating your feelings about her. Read it aloud, burn it in a safe container and then cast the ashes to the wind. My therapist had me to do that once I was really in touch with my feelings and after the shock of my mind's memories which had not been there before. I wish you well.