The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Cantcare2much.. when I read your post before the last one.. I felt like you were reading my mind.. I do hope God sees all we do..but often I will admit I do question that.. especially when it has been an "extra" hard day and the next day is even harder!... Just every now and then I wonder what it would feel like to have one of my sister's ask me "are you ok?" or "do you need a break?" .. I dont know how such selfish people live with themselves.. But yes.. at least we can feel good knowing we are truly making a difference in the life of our loved ones.. even during those days we feel completely insane!!!!!

Thank you, Jonathnin! I know in my heart I am doing the right thing. I have nothing to feel sorry about. I know that in God's eyes, I am the only one I have to answer to when He comes. I do feel good about what I do each day. It makes me feel good to be able to help...even though I do get burned-out at times, just like so many people here. Thanks for your kind words!

Cantcare2much, A lot of people feel that way as they take care of mom or dad as their siblings maintain plausible deniability that we need anything from them. It's not something we can change, from the "Lead a horse to water" school of thought. Know that when you do the right thing the right way for the right reason, there are benefits that the plausible deniability crowd won't receive. Good Luck. God Bless You.

How am I doing? I'm always tired...always sad & depressed, always distracted, always hoping someone else (other family members) will realize that they too need to help out, always wondering why I was the one chosen to help out EVERYONE (it seems), always thinking "why me"??? I know this sounds like a pity-party, so I guess it is! The other sad thing is that somehow I still think that it is my place to do it ALL! Help! Thanks for listening!
cmag, I call it "hindsight" , and "wisdom." It is that we are more mature,& have more life experiences from which to judge our surroundings...I've also become very cynical! This too, as I see it, comes with age. :-)

still waiting on that dress...i wonder how long she is gonna hold off delivering it cuz she is still ticked about how things are and i am just hurting right now...hoping i do not have to go to the hospital and well i hope things go smooth ....may have to arrange a ride for my daughter on the 7th and still gotta do taxes....

It hurts to see a 100% competent 82 y/o only be cared for by her son and myself (we both work full time jobs). She needs someone with her at night. There are 3 other siblings who refuse to help because we took her out of a LTC facility. It disgusses me to know that she has given them her all and all they want is what little bit the poor soul may leave behind. Wouldn't even spend the holidays with her. So shall ye sew, so shall ye reap.

I learned to swallow my own feelings, to avoid conflict, and focus mainly on the needs of others from a very early age onward. Boundaries for self-defense was not a strength at that time. It was decades before I learned about such boundaries, about emotional blackmail, etc. I'm glad that I did and I am thrilled whenever others do also!

I also ignored my feelings when growing up keep the peace was my motto -also when I got married -it took almost 47 yrs. of marriage to finally learn to speak up for my self-but did do it before the husband died-I decided it was not my job to make him or anyone else happy-your happiness does matter Isabella and I am glad you know that now-your life will be better because of that.

Jessie.. you are right about our choices.. but the problem is we know with out us our parents would not survive so getting out physically or emotionally is not an option.. I think I could let go of this horrible anger I have towards my sisters and just never speak to them again if my mom did not go on and on daily about how they are her daughters and as long as she lives w/me they will always be a part of my life because my mother will never ever let them go.. especially my one sister.. my mom does not drive so she expects me to do for that sister because according to my mom she is sick.. Im at a point where Im tired of being the "good" daughter..the responsible one.. It feels as though I have no feelings.. And you are right when you also said about the possible reason why your brothers do not visit due to your parents personality.. I to have considered that.. but again we do have feelings..but no choice..so why should they have the "choice" if they want to be bothered with them or not.. My mom often says.. she doesnt know what she would do w/out me.. she appreciates me..ect.. but then in the same hr. she shows zero understanding as to why I do not want my sisters forced into my life.. I think these are feelings I have had my whole life.. but always ignored what I felt and just did what needed to be done to have peace and make everyone happy.. Then I got cancer..and after my mastectomy I changed.. I realized my happiness also matters.. And Jessie so does yours!..(I so love your comment about being in "Hell" due to the heat turned up.. Hilarious!!)

It sounds like your mother has you categorized as the responsible one who can keep going no matter what. I know exactly how you feel. My two brothers that are still alive are the golden boys. They can do no wrong, even though they never call or visit. I don't begrudge my brothers, because my parents are not loving people. Who wants to call or visit a place that has no warmth?

Sometimes I wonder what brings us back to these situations that are so miserable. I occasionally wondered if I had been such a bad person and was sent to hell. The heat here is left on high to keep my father warm, so it just might be. :)

I guess we only have two choices: to either get out of the situation physically or get out of it emotionally. I mean, does it really matter if they treat the other children better? It may just be a mindset from years gone by or it may be because they are more familiar with someone they see everyday, so can show us their butt with impunity. :)

Hello everyone.. Well I did get a day of "mom-free"... I got to get out of the house to go for my pre-op testing.. yipee!.. So.. mom spent the day with my sister.. Only to come home and give me the run-down how she feels so sorry for my sister because she does not feel well with her RA.. and since I run on a battery pack after all day at the hospital I got to cook for mom when I brought her home because she had not eaten.. Im am not only so disgusted with my sisters but I am very very hurt by my mom.. Im so tired of the excuses she makes as to why my sisters can not be bothered w her.. and the worst part is she believes them.. I dont want to be felt sorry for by any means.. but what is wrong w these people? I try so hard to let go of the anger and the bitterness but when I hear my mom go on about "poor this one-or that one" I want to scream you see all I do everyday and how I feel and yet you dont say a word to them.. I never thought the day would come when I would wish for my life to consist only of myself..my kids and my husband.. I really feel the only way for me to be healthy mentally is to completely remove myself from this entire family..and that includes my mom... Yet I know I cannot do this.. so I am now getting to the point where I can feel the stress is not helping my health issues.. and yet my hands r tied.. so very fustrating..

emio-I hope you feel better soon. I am ok -the weather has benn good so I can get out to our senior center for activities and lunch. Franny he can be put into a nursing home-you do not deserve to be treated this way-I would tell him unless he calms down you will no longer take care of him-that way it will be his choice -behave or be placed and call social service and tell them he needs care and you can not do it any longer. I kept telling myself I did not deserve to be treated badly with the husband until I believed it myself and it did free me up to start to stand up for myself.

franny - I agree with jessie - it will wear on you, and I believe you need to protect yourself from it
sorry about your dysfunctional family background. I am always amazed how we survive our childhoods. I have found I need to keep boundaries regarding the abusive people - and also detach/distance myself or it is too stressful

(((((hugs)))))) and good luck

Thanks Jessie.I am seriously considering moving out.He doesn't want anyone coming into the home and has told me to get out everytime I bring up the subject of his hygiene.He doesn't want to shower and barely washes up,wears the same clothes for most of the week and is incontinent at times.He has also told me to go f myself,but other times can be sweet.I am tired of having to constantly spray air freshner to mask the odor.He isn't senile so i can't have him commited to a nursing home.

franny, caregivers shouldn't have to put up with any abuse. Sometimes old or sick people are cantankerous, so some things have to be ignored in caring for them. But when there is actual abuse, a caregiver needs to draw the line. If the man is your uncle, you are being very nice to take care of him. I can't imagine him being ungrateful enough to say anything abusive. It will wear on your self esteem terribly. You don't have to put up with it at all. If he doesn't stop, you are well within your rights to tell him to look for someone else to help.

I too come from a very dysfunctional family;divorce,abuse(physical and mental),alcoholism and broken homes.I am now a Caregiver for a very difficult,sometimes nasty elderly uncle who I live with.I now have to face verbal abuse almost every day,and frankly am thinking of leaving.How much abuse are Caregivers supposed to take?

izabella - that is Do not So something - time for bed I think

Welcome NNY - it happens with so many families - especially the dysfunctional ones. It does help to know you are not alone, but still doesn't feel good to be the one who is expected to do all the caregiving. (((((hugs)))))
((((((burned)))) -some only know how to take - it seems like they think the world, or at least their family owe them - hope your wedding dress comes soon. I know that "superior, nose in the air attitude well"
izabella - how are u doing? - I am still a but under the weather, but will post more soon. - please so some thing for you - if you go out to check mum's house do it quickly and while you are out have coffee with a friend or just walk a mall and window shop or whatever is good for you
austin -how r u?
jessie - r u really going to get a red car? hope the detachment is working still
cmag - hope things are good with you and your family
I heading to bed now and hope to have more energy tomorrow
hugs to all and anyone I forgot - think I lost a few marbles today ;)
jo

I may as well have been an only child. Nice to see I'm not the only one.

well I am waiting for things to come like my wedding dress and I havent heard from my sister...dunno if its dead end or not but for the time being glad to stop trying to be there for her when her idea of being there is take and not show an ounce of gratitude ...why do siblings have to think they are better than others we all live the same life its matter of bad decision making and learning to live with our choices seems like she can't live with hers. oh well enough said.

Ok ...this is pure dysfunction in my book and funny at the same time. I fb messaged my sister asking about my wedding dress and she threw a fit over it. I basically told her I would make sure if I had anything of hers here in Az I would make sure she got it asap. She got upset that i didnt call her when she had surgery and call me selfish when considering she doesn't like hearing how things are here. I said to her I am too busy fighting to keep benefits etc and getting another situation resolved for my husband. I won out in the end I am getitng my gown sent me via cod which I am glad. She says she is going thru alot and expects me to care when all she did was take and take. she never once said thank you or had any gratitude about anything. I could post it all here but my favorite line after she call my children the devil spawn was : YOU Narcisstic Selfish COW...then i said get some therapy before u hurt urself or ur kids. Omg how can she be my sister and says I do not give a darn anyways...that is like our parents do not care to check in on us and want us to check on them. Families are not families anymore more like broken parts to a house under construction and there are some rare good families that have it going right but without the leave it to beaver or family ties make up. Keep praying that my own lil family doesnt end up the path of my life and pray that my life learns before its too late to rebond and come together as one. I love them all yet I guess I am the one that doesn't give a a hoot when they are so wrong...sometimes the phrase takes a mile to walk in someone's else's shoes and mine needs to do that. the other thing if my sister isn't happy in her marriage why won't she leave him...cuz her biggest fear is being a single mother..i am living it that almost every day but i would not wish my life on anyone.. enough said post later

I am so sorry for what you are going through I wish I lived closer

Did I mention that besides everything else my mom is a complete Hypochondriac?? Well she is.. she is completely obsessed w/turning something that is nothing into the biggest of thing.. yet another way of upsetting an entire house.. and to make matters worse she will call the Dr..the pharmacy..w/the same questions she has asked me a million times.. I know old people tend to dwell on their meds..their aches and pains.. ect.. but I think because my nerves are so completely shot it is just one more thing I cant handle.. but I have to.. alone.. I hate waking up in my own home any more.. I remember the days of peacefully waking up..having coffee..reading the paper.. now her issues feel like a punch in the face as soon as my feet touch the floor.. But Im very sure my sisters are sleeping soundly..and waking up peacefully.. This begins yet another day of what feels like my own personal hell..

Hi -I hope all your burdens are lighter today.

when I wrote my earlier post I was venting ...mainly letting out some feelings. Its nice someone not of my family but related to marriage by my sister to their family gave me a call. It was so welcoming just to chat and find out he is doing his best and he is not living with my narcisstic sister being her babysitter anymore. My sister thinks there is nothing wrong with her but she is physically abusive to the ones she loves and yet also controlling. I on the other hand can open my mouth and insult ; be done with it. Yes there are some hurt feelings but at least I know violence isnt the answer. I continue to allow myself to be humble and learn from my mistakes. Does anyone have a user in their family. I would love to open a topic on that next such as my sister being a major pain in the rear she tried to say I sponge off her when I paid 500 a month for a room no bigger than my main bedroom here at the house for the 4 of us to sleep in and then gave money to pay property tax on that house they abandoned. I do not want to be in their shoes when the state of Indiana chases down delinquent homeowners...I mean how can ppl lie to other ppl and abuse family and friends. I hate those who front themselves like a tv commercial and like downy were suppose to snuggle with them. How can you feel for ppl like that the only thing flashing in their eyes is the dollar signs. Again this another exhaustive venting post. I have so much on my mind and I am just tired of the games. Omg not the end of his darn doctor was trying to accuse me of declaring my husband incompetent when I needed a statement to become his representative SSDI and then she must assume I am causing him harm.. My husband does what he can on his own and I necessarily don't babysit him but i do keep an eye on him besides keeping the roof over my family and paying blasted bills. I am trying to keep an eye on my stress but i think i am developing stress ulcers or peptic ones besides my cysts,back.migraines and depression and grief. it be nice if my parents could pick up the phone and say hi ...that be the day when snow hits this lil tourist town. Ok I think I let out enough steam ttyal Peace N God Bless

morning all - have to take the car in for service this morning -sore arm and shoulder yesterday so have to be careful on the computer
hoping to catch up this afternoon

Izabella -all is not lost - you can get some time for you and you need to - just ask some of those of us who are suffering from not doing that and look at your own health needs - no good to be consumed with your mum - care for her yes, but not be swallowed alive - you do matter and you can have some times of peace - think we can do better than a crawl spoace with spider webs

jessie - a ruby red car!!! woo hoo - I'll tell you about my fantasy car later - love your vision of open spaces - do you live in the west?

austin -gettng away from it for a bit is great - just to figure out how Izabella can do it

cmag - hope things are good with you

notlike - how are things with mum - still quiet? waiting for the other shoe to drop?

burned - hang in there - you have such a load

hugs to all ttyl
jo

Austin-- I could only wish to be able to get out of her space.. but its not possible.. she has made herself sick with the upset my sisters have caused..and I have no choice but to take care of her.. Todays battle was over her wanting to schedule another Dr. appt.(we already have 2 scheduled before my surgery) .. and that is fine.. I am more then happy to drive her to her appts.. but she will daily start a debate over she does not want to bother me and she can find her own way to the Dr.. a completely pointless conversation because Im her only option.. she goes on w how she didnt need anyone all her yrs..and she doesnt now ..blah..blah.. the reality is I've always been there for her..she has never driven..but if she wants to believe she did it different so be it.. but now I try DAILY to tell her life changes..and some changes we dont like..but we have to accept them.. well this is not good enough for her.. she will go on and on.. until it is an arguement.. she says its because she feels bad seeing me do all.. Yet,somewhere in my heart I think she just will not accept her "new" way of life.. so my whole house suffers.. I hate bellowing on here.. I really do.. I know thats why we all come to this site.. but wouldnt it be nice to just "talk".. I dont know about anyone else..but I often feel so very consumed with problems and negitivity that I know longer know how to have a "normal" conversation w/anyone.. I feel completely drained.. On a funny side.. when I read the suggestion of finding another space.. I pictured myself sitting in my crawlspace..spiderwebs..dust..soot..spiders.. the works..better then my other option..haha..

Izabella -is there any way to get out of her space while she rants and ravs and go back in later when she has run out of steam-if you said to her I di not want to hear about would that help-probably not but I wish I could make it better for you.

I just looked over the entire thread and it looks like some are either MIA, missing in action, or have not posted here in a while. I hope they are doing ok. This dysfunctional family mess can really be a burden and intensifies with cargiving.

I hope folks are not getting discouraged with their early attempts to detach with love, for it takes practice for those 'no muscles' to gain strength, but still getting hoovered back into their drama can happen to anyone.

just lost one long post to you izabella cause the cat deleted it - yes really and then did another one to you jessie and pressed submit and it disappeared.
I am going to type them out in a word doc!

I agree jessie - Izabella you got hoovered in again. there are ways around it. Better stop here before I lose this one too,.