The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Sharrymarie, my mom is also in about Stage 4-5 ALZ. A couple years ago, when she was living and caring for her older sister who had a variety of health ailments, mom was doing the driving. She would really only drive to local markets for groceries. They at that time were living by themselves in mom's home. Of course they had all those behaviors of hiding information, like that my mom had been diagnosed w/ALZ, and was already taking an anti-depressant about a year before we, her children actually had any knowledge about it. So one day I remember I went to visit them. I let myself into the house w/my own key.
My aunt was there by herself. So I asked where my mom was. She told me that she'd gone to the store for milk. Well, I started to become really concerned when mom didn't return for about an hour. At this point, I now asked my aunt which store she thought mom may have gone to. I could tell something was up, because my aunt kept stalling of answers, and kept trying to assure me she'd be back soon. Well, luckily mom walked in the door right after this. But, this was a HUGE RED FLAG, for me! I remember calling my sister to tell her about this. It was not too long after this, that we did finally get a confirmation about mom's ALZ diagnosis. Well, if you can imagine, she continued to drive for awhile after this. In part this was because my brother at the time had POA, and was totally mismanaging everything, including them. This didn't last, since my aunt yanked it from him and reassigned my sister and other brother. Now my sister moved in w/them, since they could no longer be alone. It was at this time that my sister had to have a talk w/our mom re: driving. In hindsight, we definitely know there were some angels w/mom when she drove towards the end of her driving days.
But, I was telling my sister, that their safety, other people's on the road is too important. Besides, one wouldn't want to be involved in a liability law suit, on account of the fact that someone just didn't take the measures to make sure an elder wasn't going to drive. Stage 4 ALZ, is nothing to play around with. Cmagnum has given you a great idea as to how to approach this. In any event, don't take too long on this one, dear. Be strong. Margeaux

John, my mother's PCP told us that anyone can report someone to DMV. Having said that, we understood that he did not want to do it. She had an eye exam about 3-4 months ago and there was no change in her vision from the year before. I talked with my sister earlier this evening and she is planning on coming down on Mother's Day. I sent her a link for the form from DMV but she said she didn't get it. I agree that having a third party do it would be best. The only other option is to go to mom's cardiologist who had stated on a report that Alzheimer's was suspected with considerable memory loss. I think my sister is hoping we can go to him to report her. I am just waiting and hoping that nothing happens in the mean time. However, I will not wait too long because if I have to report her, then I will. DMV does not guarantee confidentiality but will try to honor it and if mom finds out I reported her, then I will have to deal with fallout.

sharynmarie, if your mother has not had an eye exam in a while that would be one way to go for the eye doctor would then have to report her bad eyesight, I think. It would be better if an objective third party like an eye doctor or the DMV take action on this. Has her doctor evaluated how clear headed she is? An unclear head is an unsafe head when it comes to driving a car. Is there anyone who has the time and interested. in driving your mother around? That might help. I knew a retired man who paid a younger retired man to drive him around which included going to another town where the gas was cheeper. He had plenty of money and that town was less than an hour away, so that was no big deal. My mother had to stop driving first because of her seizures and finally because of her stroke. I wish you well in getting your sister on the same page and getting your mom out from behind the wheel for her and others safety.

Cast, Thank you!! My sister and I are close but she takes her position as head of the situation too seriously, (a side effect of our dysfunctional upbring). I will certainly stress with her to come down on Mother's Day, something I didn't consider. I agree with you about the loss of independence. It will be a great loss for mom and possibly accelerate the Alzheimer's as well as addition stress for me because I will be the one who will take her grocery shopping, etc! Regardless of the abuse she dishes out, I want her to be safe. I admit there are times when I don't want to be of any help to mom, but I do know I would be in a bad frame of mind if something happened while she was driving and we could have prevented it from happening. The way I see it, is that DMV will either pass her or refuse her license. I am going to call my sister tonight, thank you for adding additional insight.

SharynMarie, Oh I'm dreading that decision you are trying to make regarding your mother's driving. My mother lives to drive. This is selfish but I hope she passes before we get to that point because that happening will feel like the end of her life for her. I agree though, your sister needs to step up and help you evaluate the situation. It is unfair for one to handle all the responsibilities. I went back to read your story. Your sister lives 45 minutes away. She has no excuse not to come. Of course telling her that way will just not work. Perhaps you could entice her to come for a visit for your mom's sake especially with mother's day around the corner then ambush her with driving with your mother. Unless it's something like your mother is gonna end up on some highway marquee as a silver alert because you can't find her, then I'd just keep telling your mom how nice it would be for your sister to visit. Keep telling your mom so she keeps telling your sister. I'm sorry but if you have to guilt trip her to get her there then do it.

Kat, I'm sorry to hear about your mom. Hang in there when it comes to your Dad because your mom is your focus and don't let yourself be sidetracked by what cannot be fixed. I know that sounds like a crap of bull but seriously in all these years he's not gonna change so don't sweat it. Just let it run off you like water. Everything is different when your on the other side. But at least you know the process and know what to ask for when it comes to Hospice which will be of much use. Come here for support when you can't listen to your dad anymore or your tears are too much to bare for your mom. I'm fairly new to this site but not to the caregiving part. I've already learned so much in the short amount of time since I first was referred to this site.

Hello everyone!! I see we have some newcomers and that is good news because this site is great for getting advice and just knowing others are going through the similar situations is so helpful! I have been doing a lot of thinking lately regarding my mom and her continuing to drive. My sister and I have equal DPOA but my sister is the executor of our mother's estate trust. I have not driven with our mother since November of last year and I believe her mental capabilities has declined since then because of all the stress she has created over having a memory test. The situation is that if I go over to our mother's house and have her drive with me, she will most likely become combative since I usually drive when she and I go out. My sister lives 45 min. away, works 40 hrs. a week, and has health issues. I would like for her to come to the city my mother and I live in and take her out for a "test drive." She usually has our mother drive when it is the two of them so mom cannot think it is something different. My sister keeps stalling on doing anything because she is concerned that her reason for possibly having our mother's license revoked is because of her abuse toward us. I respect her thoughts but I am concerned about whether our mother is still a safe driver. I don't want to step on my sister's toes by reporting our mother to DMV. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Kat welcome to our group-look around for support groups for caregivers-it helped me so much and comming here will help you so much-just to know others care about you is priceless-hospice should be a good help to you and do try to carve out some me time-you will need to set boundaries with that Dad of yours-maybe threaten him with placement-you will have your hands full caring for your Mom-let us know how you are doing.

I'm 54 years old and have just moved to AZ after raising two boys as a divorced mom and working as a CNA. As soon as my 18 yr old went off to college, I was called upon to move here to care for my parents. I love my mother, and am glad I can care for her- she is leaving the nursing home today and coming home on hospice. The problem is my father- we have never gotten along. He is mean spirited and makes a lot of derogatory comments about blacks and Hispanics- Hispanics mostly ( now that we are in AZ- ha ha). I don't dare cross him now- he and my Mom have been married for 57 years, and he's struggling to handle the situation. I know I have to do what everyone else here does- dig down deep for the strength to be gracious and patient! I have done hospice care before in my job- but this feels so different! I'm already worn out from the last 20 years of my life, and not feeling ready for this next challenge- how I wish it was my time to be free from responsibilities!

Caring welcome to this site-you will meet wonderful folks here and I can tell you will be a great help to others-with the help of others I an finally get through theidea I was just a bad kid and have learned I was and in not the problem all those years ago

SharynMarie. Wow you described my mother to a tea minus the drinking. She isn't a drinker or a smoker thank GOD for that. My father I consider him to be an alcoholic cause if he gets a hold of alcohol he will drink himself into a stupor. He also smokes but since he's been with me for nearly a week. I just keep telling him doesn't smoke anymore. I would rather be alone in my dilemmas than to know others are suffering in the same matters but it's comforting at the same time to not be alone.

My mom is most difficult and she's not even the one that has the alzheimer's or dementia. She acts irrationally and will not work with me on getting medical power of attorney over my dad or get a guardianship or something so that we can start the process of getting him in some type of care system. She wears me out more than my father does and he's a handful with him trying to leave the house all the time. Am I coping. I'm not sure. I'm just in a holding pattern waiting for a way to get my dad the help he needs.

CW, welcome to our group of recovery for dysfunctional's, LOL!! I don't know about the other members in regards to alcoholism, but I too come from a family where alcohol was a problem. My father was sober for 10 years when he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. My mother was also an alcoholic who never admitted it and only quit drinking because the family rallied behind our father for quitting. My mother also has a personality disorder, my sister says she is schzoid but I think she is a paranoid personality disorder. She has not been diagnosed by a Dr. because she doesn't think anything is wrong with her, it's everyone else. I can relate to walking on egg shells as I am sure everyone else in this thread can too. In my family, everything revolved around my mother who is rigid, no sense of humor, takes everything literally, and is a perfectionist in that she makes no mistakes but holds everyone else to the highest standards. I am the youngest of 4 children. My eldest brother disowned our family, moved out of state and from what I hear, is most likely an alcoholic. My second eldest brother was headed toward alcoholism but his second wife became his rock and lead him to a better life. My sister is a recovered alcoholic whose health has suffered because she would not get routine blood work for fear the Dr.'s would find out she was an alcoholic. As a result she is now a diabetic that went undiagnosed for at least 10 years. She suffers from severe neuropathy and low blood pressure that leaves her weak with little stamina. I have been lucky where the alcoholism is concerned because I can't drink much without getting sick. However, I have suffered from depression for many years, and I ruined many relationships with people because I couldn't understand what people really meant. I would take things the wrong way. I was a people please'er to the extreme!! My mother now has stage 4 Alzheimer's and her paranoia is worse. She has accused me and my sister of trying to steal her money and have her declared incompetent. I am still recovering from the abuse after 4 years in therapy where I was able to forgive my parents because I came to realize that they did not get married with the intentions of having 4 children to abuse. It doesn't matter if a topic has been covered, we are a group of on going situations to provide support, love,and encouragement so you came to the right place. I hope you find answers and a place where you feel free to discuss what is happening to you and your family members without criticism or judgement. Please post how you work the program as it may help us.

I'm new to this thread/forum, but was drawn to the topic since I also identify as coming from a dysfunctional family (I've been in Alanon/ACA recovery for almost 7 years and have numerous family & non-family qualifiers). My father is one of my (unrecovered) qualifiers and was diagnosed just before turning 80 with myelofibrosis (a chronic form of leukemia). I'm not his primary caregiver-my mother (to whom he's still married) is, as well as my older sister, who now lives at home with my folks. I come down from Portland to visit more often now, and I find it terribly challenging. I'm torn between empathy/pity and simply being annoyed/irritated--I revert to a "pre-recovery" Adult Child way of dealing with his demands (which can be many, and ill-expressed). He's always been very difficult--won't go into all the specifics here--but being ill certainly doesn't help, and it's really not very different than how he's been throughout my life (I'm 46). He's still a rage addict and gets instantly angry about small things, has no boundaries (i.e., leaving the bathroom door wide open when using it), is pretty self-absorbed, keeps himself rather isolated (always has), and escapes into TV/media/etc. Growing up with him, everything revolved around this man (walking on eggshells is big in dysfunctional families)--and everything is STILL revolving around this man, and it makes it very hard to be gracious/caring/loving, but I work my program (thank God for the serenity prayer) and do my best when I'm here. My sister remains unrecovered-don't know how she does it.
Wondering if there are other identified ACA's or "alanonics," etc. also dealing with an ill parent, and what that's like (I plan to read through much of this thread, so apologies if this has already been covered)....good topic for a thread. Glad I found it.
Regards to all,
CW

ss - glad to see you here, and also glad you are changing your approach to caregiving. My borderline narcissistic mum is in an ALF. and hires someone to shop ands run errands for her. Her doctor has given her home care for life - people who come in several times daily to make meals, and help with personal things. I do not respond to every email nor phone call. I find even in the few days I spent visitng her recently, I needed to get out among "normal" people, and just get away from the constant complaints, quite often. Sometimes she takes a position about something that makes no sense at all - pointing out the reality does not sink in as it does not fit her needs that she is special, my sis is "golden", she is targetted for this or that or whatever. They are never happy for long - no matter the circumstances.

Indeed, move on with your life, give yourself space and time to heal, for a lifetine with a parent with a personality disorder, is damaging, and very hurtful in many ways. Good for you!

Yes, my less than independent Mom drives me crazy every day. So now I try not to call unless I absolutely have to. She thinks living independently means ME doing everything for her. She doesn't drive, and up until about two weeks ago, I did it all. I stopped. I'm done. I need to get on with my life and spend time with my own family, my kids and my husband and put them first. I haven't been doing that. And if she's lonely, sorry, call the other two loser siblings who haven't seen her in almost two years because "they're so busy," and tell them you're unhappy and go live with them. Of course that will never happen but I just don't want to hear about all her misgivings about her own life, all the rear view mirror shit every day. I have a service in town that will take her on errands and I'm also going to hire a caregiver/companion to be with her one afternoon a week. Done. Movin' on....

-SS

You are right -he needs to stay in the NH when she visits does she do any cares-maybe if she was left alone with him for an hour she would realize she can not care for him-I hope she gives up on the idea before long-she must drive you crazy.

Cmag - Ok, got the picture now. I am with you 100%. Just say No. I do feel bad that my Dad is in the NH but I know that we have no other choice. It is the safest place for him. First of all, if I brought him home, there is no place for a full time caregiver; their apartment is too small and my borderline hoarding mother is starting to fill it up, (as she did their home of 53 years that I cleaned out and sold). Second, she weighs 120 lbs, Dad weighs between 150-160. She can't care for him but she wants to think she can in her mind. Look, someone has to be the grown up. She was driving me crazy about bringing him home. I would think I had her convinced then she would tell me in the car on the way to see him , "Yes, I know you're right," then we would go see Dad in the NH and in front of him she would say, "I can take care of him." For God sakes, she said that just yesterday! Now, instead of arguing, I just say, "That's really not a choice." I also had a number of family members and friends call my Mom on different days, ask how Dad was doing then tell her, "You have to let him stay there; it's not safe for him or you if you bring him home." Then she would call me and say, "Gee, everyone is saying the same thing." And I would tell her that's becasue they are right. She's a high functioning alcoholic too, Cmagnum. Would that work with your step-Dad ? It helped get her off my ass for a while. I told her and you'll like this one, "you're not putting him away, Mom, you're saving his life". Remember, just say NO, I'm not taking her out. The guilt (if you have any and I think you might), goes away when you yourself come full circle and realize IT IS the best place for her.

xoxoxo
-SS

SS, nice to hear from you and thanks for the support. You are right, I'll just have to tell my step-dad no. He was there when we had the family care meeting in mom's nursing home room; he heard what was required if my mother was going to have a safe release; and he knew that she would not work toward those goals. I think his wanting to take her home and continually bringing this up is both hurtful, selfish and a power game. I know he resents my having POA for mom and that mom never told him that she had made me the POA. So, I think he feels that as long as she is in the nursing home that I'm in charge, but if he gets her home that she will be in charge. I guess the next move that he and his helper could make would be to convince mom to remove me as her POA. He will embarrass himself if he does that because two doctors have written notarized documents saying she is not competent to handle her own business in a business like manner due to her dementia. The nursing home staff is very aware of how confused my mother's thinking gets and how bad her memory is. Plus, she no longer has a lawyer for he died a year ago. From what I have been told, if I force an unsafe discharge that doctor would refuse to ever see her again which means she could not return to that nursing home. Also, a former police friend of mine told me that if I were to make an unsafe discharge and something went wrong at home, I could be held liable for making a poor decision about my mother's care. So, it is all around better for my mother to stay where she is and I guess my step-dad is going to get very angry about that but that is his problem. He is probably actually mad at my mother for making me the POA, but wants to take his anger out on me. Typical alcoholic! He will probably be angrier if he outlives my mother and discovers that she has written him out of her will which she's hidden from him for years.

Anyway, happy Easter to all!

Hi all,
It's Selfish Sibs. Cmagnum -- long time no hear/see!!! I miss you!! I see Cattails and Austin are on here too. Austin, I think it was you that suggested I join in on this thread. That was only a few days ago and yet I forget!! Yikes!

Anyways, Cmagnum, I don't think they can release your Mom home without your authorization as POA. I do think that you can override the doctor by proving there is not a safe place for her to return to. may have to get Social Services in your area involved. Stay strong. But the doctors can't override you, espeically if she can't walk or care for herself. I

had a similar situation in January. Both parents living done the street from me, independently, not not really. I do everything for them with no help from two siblings that haven't even seen their parents in almost two years. People say, "You have to ask for help!" Well I do and I keep getting a big fat NO, or no response at all. That story for another posting. Anyway, Dad fell five times before Christmas, enough that it landed him in the hospital, didn't break anything (remarkably, just a very weakened state), started rehab in the hospital, then had an internal bleed, recovered, then transfer to rehab NH where he plateaued and now is a resident, pending Medicaid and miserable as all hell. So my 84-year old mother (who has been fighting with him for 40 years), who was planned to have her second hip surgery the following month says to me, "I can take care of him." I said no, you can't. He can't walk, he can't transfer himself, he's totally incontinent etc... and YOU"RE going to take care of him? No, what that meant was, he would be released and fall again in a matter of days and we'd start the whole mess all over again, the ambulance, the hospital, the rehab, Forget it. Plus, he would be putting her in danger if he grabbed her on his way down to the floor. Enough. So I said, if you make that decision, I will have no part of it. I wash my hands of everything completely. You're on your own. Don't call me for anything and I won't pick him up at the NH to bring him home. Find another ride. After three years of doing everything for both of them, everything, groceries, cvs, haircuts, church, trash, shoveling, meds, bills, insurance, plethora of doctor appointments, stamps, holidays, and so on, without even an acknowledgement from my loser siblings, I said No.
So I don't know if that works for you CMagnum, can you just say, NO to the step-Dad, I won't have any part of this if you take her home? Look, I love my Dad, but it wasn't the right decision for his safety or her safety to bring him home. Everyone's situation is different, I know. I never thought I'd be able to step aside, but I did. And he stayed in the NH. Sure he's miserable (he doesn't cooperate with the peeps in the NH either, Cmag), but he's been miserable for a long time and I'm tired of being miserable. Plus, I still have to watch over Mom living down the road who defends my loser siblings to their death. "They're too busy, they live too far away, they have their own problems." Screw that! So do I!!! I have a family, teenagers, a husband and run my own business, all of which is failing because for three straight years, I put my Mom and Dad first. No longer. I'm tired, I'm resentful and I hate my siblings but I am stepping aside. I hired a caregiver for Mom one day a week, so now I only call or see her twice a week instead of twice day. it is helping.

Luv to all-

-SS

Today, I waited at the entrance to the nursing home from 2:15-4:30 and then visited with my mother until 6 and the nursing home doctor never showed up like he normally does on Fridays around 2 or 3 pm. There was one other family member of a resident who wanted to see him also, but she was let down as well. I did get to see the social worker and let her know what my step-dad and helper were up to with my mother and she's going to talk with my mother.

I don't know if I shared this earlier, but I am also concerned about a business deal concerning land owned by my mother, and my two aunts that a gas company is paying for an easement through. As the spouse, according to our state law, my step-dad has to sign off with a notary on this deal which I've talked with him about, but has not signed. Being concerned that he might try with holding his signature as leverage for getting me to over ride the doctor, I called my aunt who is handling this business deal. I asked her to call my step-dad and explain this to him again and the consequences of his not signing which would mean her being taken to court and the court forcing him to sign. She made the call and learned he had just set that piece of mail aside. He did not promise to sign it, but he did promise to look at it. By the time I was finished visiting with my mother, it was my step-dad's bedtime. Thus, I did not go by the house. However, my mother thought it was 6 am.

Yes, my mother has been in the nursing home for three years. She was first there for PT, but she did not work with them and basically gave up like her mother did. Now, she is so dependent and mentally far gone that she must stay there. Her neurologist was trying to get her into an assisted living for years before she had a stroke in 2009 which landed her in a nursing home for rehab which worked but then her husband and his helper failed in taking care of them in just 8 days after which she had to go to the hospital and then I got her in a assisted living where she fell and broke her hip. After her hip surgery, she went to the nursing home for rehab and this time she did not work with them like after the stroke.

Cmag and Austin: I may be wrong, but i thought Cmag was saying his mom has been in the nursing home for 3 years. If that's the case, then she's not there for PT. She's there because she needs full time care. I hope the NH doc respects Cmag's position. Cattails

I found it depended how full the NH is whether they turn pt.s away or try to get them discharged especially rehab pt's-the one I used all the time would not accept my husband and when I called and asked why they said his meds were too expensive which was bs it was because he wanted a lot of attention -a year later he was on the same meds and they recruited him from the hospital but I had liked the NH that accepted him the year before and used that one when I saw an aide in the store from the first one I asked her about it and she said their census was down and they needed pt.s. Often the docs work for the NH -so they do what the director wants.

Cmag: If your step-dads care giver tried to borrow $40,000.00 from your mom then that answers a lot of questions. I'm glad you are talking to her nursing home doc. I can't imagine any responsible doctor sending her home. Her mind is not capable of making sound decisions and the home environment can't provide for her needs.

Let me know what the doc says. Best wishes, Cattails

Wishing everyone a Happy Easter weekend! I am taking a break from things so I will catch up everyone soon.

cattails, the last family care meeting we had was with my step-dad, his helper, my mother, the social worker, a person from PT, me, etc. The social worker outlined what my mother would need to be capable of doing and the need for doing a safety inspection at home before the doctor would give her a safe discharge.

My mother has not worked with PT since she got there for she is just like her mother after she broke her hip. My step-dad and his helper already tried to take care of her when she was recovering from a stroke and through working with rehab that time got back to walking. However, after 8 days she was dehydrated, undernourished and her blood pressure was so low that she could hardly walk. In my opinion, they failed.

My step-dad's helper has already tried to get a $40,000 loan from my mother which I put a stop to, but my step-dad could care less about my mother giving away that much money. So, I think the caregiver has her eyes on $. She's already basically moved in our house which my step-brother gave her permission to do. He's in a wheelchair and not of sound mind himself, but for his alcohol should be in a nursing home himself. Also, my step-dad's thinking is so unclear that he offered one caretaker some money to help him defend himself against their lawsuit for forging checks in their name by which he stole $14,000+. Neither my step-dad nor mom believe in hiring certified people and the riders that my mother bought with her long term health care cover home health care and home builder, but no when she needed them she had hidden them and when they were found claimed they only were good if she was totally out of it. It is sad how sound our minds can be when making plans and then how warpped and obstinate they can be when in need of the care the planned for themselves to get and had paid good money for over the years.

The caretaker does not like nursing homes at all. After she gets up in the am and gets my step-dad up and going as well as drives him to see my mother and takes him back to the house, she then goes and does what she needs to do before going to sit with another elderly person until about 11pm.

My mother can neither stand up nor walk and has not worked with PT to get there now for 3 years. Her memory is horrible. She often does not know where she is and even when you mention what season of the year it is, she will often go into a conversation as if she is in another season of the year totally. She can't go to the bathroom by herself nor bathe herself. If it were not for the nurses, she would not take her meds or not take them on time. I've noticed that often she can barely feed herself.

My step-dad thinks all of this decline is because she is in the nursing home and that her head would clear up and she would walk once again if she just came home, but I'm the mean person. They call me on the phone saying she asks to go home when they leave, but can't satisfy her and so will I talk with her. Then when I do talk with her I find out that they told her that I have the authority to get her out of there and so the first thing she says is when are you coming to get me. Now they set up the expectation in her head that I was getting her out of there and then I had to explain that no it is up to the doctor who I plan to see Friday after lunch for that is when he makes his weekly rounds there.

Plus, let me add that my mom and step-dad have not been that close over the years. She never accepted his children. When I graduated from college, she left for the beach house and hardly ever went home until her first seizier sent her back home for good. My step-dad drank more when she was gone and someone asked her then why doesn't she stay home and did she love him? Never heard the answer. I do know that they had quite interesting arguments in front of my wife and I, even when we had the children with us. BTW, my step-dad has not paid a dime for her care that she's been in need of from 2009 on. He knows she has a lot of money in the bank and that is what is paying for the costs that the long term insurance does not cover. He hates the insurance too and feels like it is holding her like a prisoner in the nursing home. Yes, I'm anxious and my wife getting all drama about it over and over and over again for days has not helped. I don't need her cranking my anxiety up with her drama. I need her support. I've even said that I've heard enough of this and your going over and over this and all the possible things that could happen for days now does not help and I will know something definitely on Friday. But no, she has to keep right on being Mrs. drama rehashing everything plus all that her mother went through with her mother and siblings who did some underhanded things. Thus, I sleep as late as possible in the am and then at night come out here to my Man Cave for some peace and quiet. If the doctor says she can go home, fine but it will be up to my step-dad and his helper to figure out all of the practical details and tend to them without leaving my mom abandoned like she does my step-dad for I don't live there and am disabled myself and so is my wife. I don't think they realize what they want to get themselves into and I don't think my mother would last long at all. Who knows, maybe she wants to go home so that she can die in her own bed which the helper is sleeping in right now.

Cmagnum: Are you concerned that a nursing home doctor would consider releasing your mom to go home? Maybe you are a bit anxious too. Maybe you should have a talk with the nursing home doc. It sounds like you are taking your boundaries a little too far. I am thinking that you believe that your mom is not capable of living outside of a nursing home due to the extensive care she needs. Now you have an 86 year old step dad that misses her and has a care giver that relates to his grief.

I think that, as a well grounded person, you should talk to the nursing home doc, remind him/her of the documents and trust that has been given to you and at least suggest that a move would not be in your mom's best interest.

If the doc decides otherwise, then I understand your position that you will not over rule it and will let the chips fall where they may. Eventually, however, you will need to do everything over again, put your mom back in the nursing home and possibly your step dad too, but it is your choice, do it now or do it later, or don't do it at all.

Do you think that your step dad's care giver honestly feels that your step dad is correct or possibly she just wants more hours and income which will result from her having both of them at home?

I am not talking about you having a discussion with your mom or her husband. I am just suggesting that you bring your intelligence to the attention of the nursing home doc. That's all you can do.

Margeaux, thanks for your response. Yes, the old broken record response. Even it gets a bit worn out and stressful to do. I'm glad you are staying strong. My wife is very worried over what my step-dad might try like convincing my mother to have me removed has her POA. Even if he tries this, it has little chance of working because I have two notarized letters from her neurologist and another doctor that she is incompetent to deal with her own business in a business like manner due to her dementia and alzheimers. Even if I do have the authority to over ride the doctor, I am not going to do that. I have a list of reasons why, but I don't think my step-dad or his helper is going to listen to reason. Does anyone know if either medical or durable POA trump a nursing home doctor's opinion about a resident being released.

well family drama is non existent on both sides lol and can ya believe it I miss my domineering sister with her big mouth and I can't begin to tell ya what its like to almost deal with my husband's family...yet they still expect me to pick up the phone but overall they do not care still since they disowned him long while back. still tick at how the kids are treating their own mother...what form of narcissim runs there...but if they do not want my help or advice gladly give them the heave ho and let them battle it out with my husband's sister. The woman needs help but the level of misunderstanding and pure bollocks is crazy. today tho ended on a good note with the cardio so i am gonna let that be my good news ...especially with my bff coming to live this way in the middle of nowhere. I am so excited yet worried new batch of problems may crop up because of her bipolar/add/adhd/epilepsy so pls keep ur fingers crossed and pray on that because she is a wonderful woman tho sometimes she can't focus all but she does her best...yet I feel that i am her keystone and her husband is her heart and life...enough rambling hope everyone gets to enjoy something of a nice wknd here soon...