The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Sharynmarie, I'm going to tell you a story about my sister. She was appointed POA several years ago, about three and a half to be in charge of our recently deceased aunt, and mom w/ALZ. At that time, she also decided to move into mom's home, (where they both were already living. So sister moved in w/her two grown daughters and the older one's boyfriend. Mom's home is large. Well, my aunt, was the total narcissist. There was nothing that anyone could do for her w/o she making everyone feel as if they weren't doing enough. She'd say jump and everyone would have to say, "how high." It was my feeling that she should have been examined for ALZ, or Dementia. Certainly, she still had the capacity to accomplish certain things a person w/ALZ, cannot, like math. But, she required an enormous amount of care, and my sister became in charge of some rentals and all particulars that come w/repairs of the apartments when needed. On this front, my younger brother, who was second POA, also jumped in and even did a lot of the repairs himself. But then of course my aunt started to have these weird and quite paranoid ideas about her money throughout all of this. My sister being the one who lives there had to bear the brunt of this mess w/difficult aunt. I used to say, that she made Bette Davis in "Baby Jane," look like an amatuer! But anyway, especially this past year, (last yr. of aunt's life) she just totally raised the bar, in terms of demands. Naturally, my sister was so stressed. Also, because of their prior history together, oh boy! So I used to tell my sister, "you should try to get her examined," well, this never got done. But I felt my sister get completely swept up into my aunt's drama. So I started to ask my sister, to try to read, or speak to a lawyer about her rights and responsibilities as the POA. The advice that SelfishSiblings is very good! I really think that it is important to have a pragmatic frame of reference in these matters. Now if I'm understanding correctly, it sounds as if your mom has her own money, you shouldn't have to be paying out of your pocket for this, I'm sure if this is the case. Anyway, I used to call my sister's behavior sometimes.....paralyzed by fear in this regards. Yes, they are the elders, and it makes sense in some ways that we still are accustomed to they calling all the shots. But that's no longer the case. They are the one's in need of care. My darling, you're just going to have to get in touch with what's going on w/management of your mom's assets, for your own peace of mind. My best to you,
Margeaux

Thanks Austin. The idea came to mind as I read your remarks. I thought about "happy shells" which is what we try to accomplish by walking on eggshells, hoping that they don't crack. They only cover an emptiness inside that we didn't cause, can't control and can't fix, but emotionally blackmailing people don't want us to crack their "happy shells".

Izabella, thanks! Wow, you can almost remember when the guilt began as a child. Your memory is more precise than mine, but my mother raised me to be a fix it person for her too. She did not meet my emotional needs (which she even admitted to me as an adult and claimed she would do better with my children which she did not {her mother was the same way with her and she never bonded with any of us grand chidlren}) for I was to be more of an adult focused on her needs. This took place sometime following her divorce. I thought this might change years later when she got married again, but she continued to have a very possessive hold on me. She never became close to her step children whom she never really accepted and did not want me to become close with. In dealing with all of this in therapy, I did have some painful flashbacks of events and feelings from the part of my past that I have called the cloudy era when I hardly had remembered a thing about those years.

It took me a while to get free (no wonder that I did not get married until I was 31) and even when I thought that I was free, I discovered there was still some enmeshment there coupled with the anger that I had toward her for being so possessive of me and so intrusive into my life which I hardly had as a child or as a teenager with my own, separate identity. My wife had a similar background to mine but she grew up like that in the isolation of the county whereas I did get to move from a small town to a city. We have both had to deal with our 'mom issues' which I thought her's were more obvious than mine and it is no wonder that I ended up in a very conflictual relationship with her mom for she is too much like my own mom. However, my main point in saying that is as both of us have dealt with these things in therapy, we have come to feel closer to each other which is good. Also, our boys have felt better about their mom. She did go through a time where she related to our boys and even to me much like her mother did to her and her dad, but I reached a point where I had, had enough and began to set some boundaries with her and her mother for my sake and the sake of our boys. That was the start of her seeing that she needed to set some boundaries with her mother which became glaringly apparent when her mother started treating our boys like her mother did her. During that time, my wife also admitted how verbally abusive she had been to me and the boys during that phase when her mental health and struggle over being still so enmeshed with her mom when off the deep end so to speak.

Yes, the hurt inner child reacts like a child with such a parent and very often with anyone who reminds us in some way of said parent. I know that has been true in my life.

Holding on to anger toward a parent like that is like drinking poison thinking it will hurt them, but it hurts us as I have seen also. This is why my therapist had me to write a letter to my mother, read it aloud and then burn it in a trash can, after which we threw the ashes to the wind.

I slept in again today very late, but it is good to see the sunshine. I need to find something fun to do that will totally take my mind off of things which is one thing that I had in doing Tae Kwon Do with the boys for several years, but then I lost interest in it. It is still hard for me to relax even when I go bowling, I'm too hard on myself which I think comes from my dad being such a perfectionist dad in teaching me almost every sport in the book on visits which he had to fight in court to get the right to do because mom wanted him totally out of her life and mine for various reasons that were not rational. I even went through a phase as a child where I thought it was up to me to fix my parents broken marriage.

The inner child so to speak wants that relationship with our mother that we did not have and yet we are also angry at them which too often we don't want to face because that is not nice. At some point, we must grieve what we did not have and face what we will not get despite our best efforts to fix them which has never worked anyhow. Well, aren't I waxing autobiographical today.

I'm sorry that your sister is no longer the best friend that you once had. Your situation is very complex, and I hope you find a way out for your own sanity and your son's well being despite what might happen to others' "happy eggs".

Today is better than the last two days were. I do have to remind myself from time to time that I am on disability now and so why do I expect so much of myself still.

Cmag-- You hit it right on.. I can almost remember the moment as a child the "guilt" began.. and now as a grown woman still dealin with it.. ironic how we fuction as adults yet still feel like a "child" within when we deal with our parents.. I have always felt it was up to me to "fix" my moms life.. and now especially when everyone has turned their backs on her and she needs me more then ever.. she has been crying about goin to my sisters house the days I am gone, because as I said it is so very obvious my sister wants no part of mom goin there.. so Ive been in "fix-it" mode.. I hate to see anyone sad let alone my mom.. and while Im tryin to figure out how to make bringin her with me work Im pissed within that this should even be an issue at this time.. I cant believe this sister that has now turned her back not only on my mom but even moreso on me use to be not only my sister but my "best-friend".. I always thought that her and I would always be their for one another.. and I know if all was reversed and mom was with her I would never do any of what she has done to me or my family to her.. I would be there for her.. everyday anyway I could be...
My fear is if I leave it and let my mom go to her house they will argue and my mom will want to leave and my sister will want her to.. my mom will call my other son to come back to my house before I return.. and I so dont want that to happen.. so Ive got to plan not only the what is but also the what if..

Cmag-- how are you?? Im sorry to hear about your struggles your are goin through.. Depression for any reason is one of the hardest battles I know.. I think when dealing with depression you cannot even take one day at a time.. It has to be taking one hr at a time.. and making each hr of each day count.. dont wake up each day and look at that day as a whole.. maybe for now by focusing only on filling each hr of each day with positive things it wont be so overwhelming.. and soon before you know it you would of made it through a day that was filled with all the things you use to do.. I also believe you cant be so hard on yourself cmag.. if you slip up one hr and decide to do nothing its ok!! Just begin the next hr differently and so on.. Its a fight I know when trying to pull ourselves out of a "hole".. thats why I think taking it slow is the best way.. You are a strong person and you have helped so many of us on here.. Use some of that strength you give to others on you!! You deserve it!! Thoughts and prayers are with you from all of us here!!

Cmag I liked what you said about eggshells-I am to the point with my mother some are going to break but it is not my job to make her happy as is was not my job to make the husband happy-the shells broke then also at times and the sky did not fall down and I am able to help the others in the cargivers support group for what I went through-I hope things get easier for you.

Izabella, thanks for posting. It is good to hear an update from you. I hope for the best with your son. Dysfunctional families do have a way of driving us crazy, and finding where and how to do some needed boundaries is tough both to chose and to keep doing. I wish you could let go of this guilt that you feel. It must be something that your mom planted in you as a child for you have not done anything to feel guilty for. I would be tempted to tell your mom and sister to chill because this is reality, so deal with it because you are dealing with your reality which you have plenty of complaints about as well. True, it is not about them, it is about you and your only son. So what your mom does not like being where she is not wanted. She's made her bed and having to sleep in it. Those are her feelings for her to deal with and not for you to fix or absorb. Sorry, if I sound a bit trigger happy and punchy this morning, but I'm feeling a bit angry for you and it is not even happening to me. Somehow, some way I think it is time for some eggshells to get cracked instead of gently walked around so that they don't crack before you crack and that I would hate to see. I have no advice as to which eggshell to crack or when, but your gut feeling/intuition will probably let you know that.

Hello to all-- I have not been on here in quite a long time.. but I had to take a few min. to write a post because this was (and is) the only place that I felt truly understood so much of what I am goin through.. Ive been very preoccupied both mentally and physically with so much.. to the point where it is often even difficult to put my feelings into words.. so here goes..

Everything is set up for my son going to Mayo.. we go next week.. we will spend the week (or longer) there.. My son is going through so much on every level.. mentally..physically.. emotionally.. and spiritually.. he has lost hope.. so I pray we get answers and results.. we have to.. my heart breaks for him everyday..

So.. the planning part of our trip to Mayo has been more stressful then I think what the trip it self will be.. Ive had to do what we all do when planning a trip.. the usual pay bills.. arrange care for the animals..ect.. but then there has been the care for my mom.. and that has been a complete nightmare.. One part of me has felt guilty because mom has expressed how she has felt so lost having no where to go while I am gone..so I debated even bringing her with me.. but then I thought about that idea deeper and realized that would be a huge mistake.. I have to devote this time to ONLY my son.. so.. I called my sister and told her mom had to stay there.. well then a whole new nightmare began.. One it is obvious she does not want to be bothered with my mom and all that comes with my mom on daily basis..She told me her body cannot tolerate the stress.. but if she has no choice she can stay with her.. My sister even asked why my 16 yr old cannot stay with my mom.. Well my mom sees and feels this.. My mom has said numerous times she would rather pitch a tent then go where she is not wanted.. but she knows there is no choice.. My mom and sister are like oil and water.. and I will be the first to admit caring for my mom is no picnic.. but my family has been doin it for a year constantly.. no breaks.. even through five surgeries of my own I cared for my mom.. so I told my sister tough sh** !!!.. But I cant let go of a this guilt I feel.. My mom makes it known every min. of everyday her feelings about goin to my sisters.. I want to tell them both to shut the hell up.. this is not about them.. but Im tryin to keep peace for my sons sake.. the last thing he needs is to know the stress the trip alone causing..

I am so tired of this whole crazy family.. It will be very hard to even think of having to return to this life with mom and her daughters and the end of our Mayo visit.. I wish I could take my family and my dogs and just disappear and let them all kill each other..

Well that is the update on my son.. so many of you were so kind to ask and show caring and concern when I first mentioned his situation that I had to post where we are at now with everything.. I will let you all know what happens..

My Prayers to everyone on here.. facing their own battles everyday.. God Bless

Thanks to everyone for their support and advice. I was diagnosed with Bipolar II back in 2003, but my cycling down into depression has been worse since the fall of 2010 and my psychiatrist increased my wellbutrin back then and added abilify. I thought it might be somewhat situational depression or exhaustion because of the intensity of my therapy dealing with family of origin issues and flashbacks about my past, but evidently that was not the case.

January and February of 2011 were particularly rough because I was sleeping like 12-14 hours a day and having a hard time staying awake the rest of the day. I had all sorts of blood work done and everything was fine. So, my psychiatrist prescribed Nuvigil and that lasted about 2 months. I've not had a month like those two again, but I still cycle down rather low and sometimes I do sleep way too much.

This spring, I changed psychiatrists and he ordered more blood work. It showed my B-12 and B-9 (folic acid) were low as was my testosterone. I learned online that some of my bipolar med actually reduce the absorption of those two B vitamins for some people which no one had told me about. I'm a bit better on some days with those changes, but I'm not up to the time before the fall of 2010.

The idea about the sun is not silly. I take extra vitamin D every day, plus it is in my multivitamin and it is with my calcium citrate that I take. Taking Lamictal, I can only stay in bright sunshine for so long, but my endocrinologist tells me that it only takes about 15 minutes between 9 am to 3 pm for your body to make vitamin D on the surface of your bare forearms in interaction with the sunlight.

I do think we will hire someone to do basic cleaning which will help. Those cleaning agencies charge mighty high prices. So, we are going to look for someone less expensive.

Sharynnmarie - I too have this wonderful husband and know that had I married anyone else they would have left me by now. Taking care of BOTH my parents was WAY more than I expected. I guess I expected them to be a lot more independent but that is not the case. Plus, I have to deal with Mom self-medicating herself with booze and pain killers, a nasty bi-polar sister who is determined to get their money and a brother who chooses to stay away and do nothing. It's a nightmare. I did hire an attorney and it will stretch our budget for sure, but in the long run it is well, well worth it. You're basically paying for peace of mind. Think about it. It could save your marriage too. One other thing - since you are POA, and you don't have to tell your mother you are doing this. Give the bank a copy of your POA papers. Set up the bank account(s) online (not to pay bills just to look at the activity on the account. The bank will help you create a username and password. Then you can monitor the accounts online and see if there is suspicious activity from the new person paying your mother's bills -- you'll know right away. This is what I did to monitor my parent's spending, since I determined back in 2009 that my sister was syphoning money from them for years. It stopped that from happened right away. Let em know what you think about that.

Cmagnum -- I know this sounds silly, everyone telling what you can do to lift your spirits and some days you probably don't even want to pick your head up off the pillow. When the sun is out (what part of the country are u in??), go outside and just sit in a chair. Vitamin D, baby!! It could change your whole day!!

Luv to all!

-SS

Cmagnum, I wish you well. I hope you get better. My Mom has untreated depression. I know how painful this is. Take care and remember working through the pain you have experienced will help you with the depression. I am much better because of people like you who started this thread and your posts on this site which opened my eyes and have helped me to grow stronger. Thank you.

Cmag, I understand about depression. I spent 12 years in depression, it seems people want more from us at these times. I think maybe they are thinking if you have contact with people it will bring you out of depression,when what we really need is to deal with what we are feeling. Cattails has some great ideas that will free up your responsibilities so you can concentrate on therapy and deal with these feelings. Try to do some things you know you enjoy without all the pressure if that is possible. Please know we are sending good thoughts your way, take all the time you need for this even a weekend getaway may help♥!

Cmag: You have my empathy. Is it possible to have someone come in and do yard work for you until you are feeling better. Maybe a housekeeper every couple of weeks, just to give your spirit a lift. Sometimes we feel better when we don't have so many visual reminders of what needs our attention, ie housework, weeds, whatever. Somethings you can delegate. Take care and good for you on the frozen food. Cattails.

sharynmarie, thanks for asking how I'm doing. Today is another one of my depressed too much, despite meds, type days. Some of this just may be due to what my therapist and I are covering about some events 12 years ago that were very painful and traumatic, but I need to talk through them.

Also, I'm getting tired of everyone wanting me to stay in touch more when I just don't feel up to it. My dad claims that I've not been in touch with him much these past two years and wonders why. He does not seem to get it that my depression has worsened over the past two years and drains my energy from doing so. I know he is 87, but some days I feel about that old myself. I look around my life as a whole and all I see is responsibility, responsibility, much of which I'm just not up to getting done as of late. I realize that my mother in the nursing home would like to hear from me and have me visit her more, but that takes a lot out of me too. I'm so low that I'm buying more frozen meals to eat because I'm just not that up to cooking like I was. I've not cleaned my house in weeks and very seldom remember to take a shower, much less brush my teeth, but I do take the trash and recycleables out, buy groceries, pay bills, wash the clothes, run the dishwasher, drive my wife around to various doctors and occasionally cut the grass on the riding lawn more, but overall this yard is a mess compared to how I usually have it in the Spring and the inside of this house was well as our two cars are dirty and totally out of order which is so unlike me in the past. Sorry if I sound too much like a big baby today, but I do not represent that phrase for I'm just depressed and tired of being down more than I'm up with up not being very high. I hope others are having a better day.

SS~We have an appt. May 2. Mom is not incompetent at this point, nor has she been diagnosed with a mental illness but I think she has a paranoid personality disorder (she has been this way all my life). Why else would she accuse us of such horrible things? No matter how far emotionally removed I am from her, it still hurts that she thinks such things about her family. Her accusations have been on going long before Alzheimer's set in. I am concerned how much it will cost us and I don't want to stress our financial situation where it causes problems between me and my husband. He has been very good to me even though my mom has caused a lot of drama over the years. At this point in our lives, we should have peace. He is 7 years from retirement, our children are married and here I am still having to deal with my crazy mother!! We just celebrated 35 years of marriage, I think if I married someone else, they would have divorced me a long time ago. If she would at least have the bank do this service for her I wouldn't worry, but that would be to logical. The woman may be legit since she is a volunteer for AARP, but how do we know for sure? She doesn't want to pay for services that can be trusted with documentation because it will cost more. I suggested to her about 5-6 years ago to have the bank take care of some of her finances but she said she doesn't want them knowing her business???? She retired from Wells Fargo, go figure! I could go on and on but it resolve anything.
Burned, I am glad you got the extension and things have settled down some for you. I hope you get the foodstamps soon as it must be a worry when you are feeding a family and at the mercy of these services that take their sweet time.
Brandywine, I am right with you on moving away~I want to runaway with my little bag packed like a child, haha!
Cmag, I hope all is well with you and all that you are going through. It seems like it just never ends with dysfunctional family members.
Thank you SS and everyone else for letting me ramble on about my situation, you are all a blessing, have a good day♥!

Sharynmarie,
yes, conservatorship is the way to go. Look into immediately as it takes time. Don't wait and then be sorry you did. Involves doctor's testimony and/or their written recommendation. Your local social services/human services should get involved. It is their job to help you. Theie services are free. Good luck.

-SS

My sis and I are going to see an attorney regarding mom. She now admits she has alzheimer's but no apology for all the horrible things she has accused us of doing. She won't let us help even though we have POA. She is going to have a woman balance her check book instead of my sis. I don't have money for a court fight but we may have to get a conservatorship. Mom is blocking us from helping her and she is so frugal she will let someone help her for free and this is our concern: they may talk her into adding them as a signer on her accounts.
We need to make sure she is safe from people who may take advantage of her. Isn't is funny that a parent believes her family is trying to take her house, money, and car from her but she will trust a stranger??? Paranoia is a difficult thing to deal with and I truly wish I could be done with it and walk away from mom. Let people take everything my dad worked for just to be free of her paranoia. She spent all this money on a living trust, assigning me and my sister with DPOA and she won't let us help because she believes we want her money, have her committed, and take her house. We tell her only a judge can declare her incompetent, we can't. She won't believe it. Gotta go to work now, I hope everyone has a wonderful week♥!

well I got granted extension to get the stuff ready for hubby's LTC and then I paid my bill some on my mastercard but funny thing is I didnt get my pay in my account gonna see if it shows up monday. So i have to go to the bank and find all the policies that list me as owner also a letter stating a new account as me being hubby's rep...on the other hand i found out my ex brother in law is his brother had severe heart attack and still is on life support so pls pray for him. As for my sister in law she still facing eviction from her ex husband. They are still waiting on something to get her back home n placed some place safe. I am still ticked at the way his family is at me but i do not make a choice to hear it since they do not bother to communicate with us anymore than I do with them. Yes the cord is still cut from my sister and from what I have read here she is a narcisstic in denial and what is worse she can't make the time to send our mother important papers regarding our grandmother;s care that is currently in a NH so what am I do. I still have a half sister that i cant casually chat with and she is bright and intelligent woman. I miss her more than anything. Surgery will happen for hubby after few more visits from a pulmonologist and stress test done. they still havent renew my stamps yet and I had paid 200 dollars in groceries today...but finally got a payment made to my credit card. as long as the bullshit stays out of my life i can cope wit the stuff that happens here in my house vs everyone else's trying to crowd me in with their drama. I also found out my gf has a tumor so Need prayers to make sure its benign ...its the last thing she needs with 3 children to raise...and is it me but the world is starting to go wtf in flames here lately...I pray for miracles and hope that Jesus does come because right now there is nothing left to do but pray to and love the ones we can at a distance. Enough for now...at least i can think of something for supper tonight ...make it good....might make ham n beans i Havent had that in a good while ...pls pray for peace n compassion tho we may not feel it ...we all need it.

sounds a like a good idea there is nothing like that here except a grief grp. Well the noise from the peanut gallery has taken the message. Still wish I knew what caused my sister to get uppity when i ask one question lol but other than she doesn't want to support me and feels i am not supporting her then I am glad for the time being she is left her own dominance and control factor. My sil tho she wont go anywhere is about to face court order eviction from her ex husband soon. Still refuses help from her family and last i heard she is throwing fits like a 3 yr old. I keep praying for her but she has prey on the church and other ppl therefore no one feels that they can help her. Still waiting to hear from the coorindator and waiting to my foodstamps and then no cell phone service today ...freaky friday perhaps a full moon...

ss I plan on continuing with the group and I know at least former caregiver is also going to continue and I will speak up when I feel I can help others.

I feel like moving to Great Falls, Montana just to get away either that or Cheyenne.

June- I can't believe the leader of the new group wouldn't want your participation or that of other former caregivers. I think that's horrible!! Sounds like she/he is threatened in some way and that's just silly! I would keep going. I know people will be drawn to you. I am most comforted by others on this site because I know they KNOW what I am dealing with with, they FEEL what I feel and they HEAR me. Not some so called "expert"! We experienced that several times on the Grossed Out thread, remember!

Cmagnum - Lord, you have a lot of your plate. Stay strong. Remember, it really IS in your controlled. I didn't think so until I realized, if I just so NO, I can help Mom and Dad make the right decision as opposed to continuing to enable their dysfunctional life of falling all teh time, and fighting all the time and not bathing etc.... I said, NO, Dad has to stay in the NH because it is not safe for him at home and it not safe for you, Mom, if he comes home. I said NO. You can say NO too, you can.

Luv you tons --SS

Our office for the aging has never been very helpful whenever I called-they seem too far removed from caregivers but the group I attended yesterday seems like a good group and both leaders are and have been caregivers-one for several relatives and they seem to work well with each other-I am happy I and the other 3 former caregives attended.

Cmag, you have shared a lot of wisedom with us, I am so sorry you are going through this now. Things will level out for you soon.
Austin, sounds like this person has control issues and felt threatened.Goodness you would think she would welcome your knowledge. Look around you will find others who will welcome your kind, giving heart.

Austin, good for you. That sure is a strange reaction someone would have to the fact that you are offering from the wealth of experience that you bring with you about caregiving. Interesting that 3 more people showed up. I'm sure that this "leader," won't discourage you. Who better than people who have already walked down that road. Take care, Margeaux

Austin: You just keep reaching out. You have a good heart and lots of experiences to share. Our local Methodist Church has a huge program for caregivers. Why don't you check with the area on aging and find out what they have to offer. We always recommend people to call them and ask for help. You could check with them and find out how you can help. Much bigger pond than the senior center. There is a place for you and I think you might be on the right track. Broaden your horizons my friend. You have much to offer. Love ya, Cattails.

Cmagnam I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time especially since you have been helping us others so much. On a good note from me our Senior Center is starting a caregivers support group and today the first meeting included me and 3 other former caregivers who I believe helped current caregivers when I approched the leader she did not seem to want former caregivers involved she said they did not need a nother leader to which I said trust me I do not want to be a leader-I already am for two activities at the center by default -then she said she did not know what I would get out of the meetings-I explained I planned to help other so I was gladly surprised that 3 other former caregivers-all widows came into the meeting.

Cmag: I'm always glad to listen and honored when someone shares their heart with me. My heart goes out to you and your wife, for all that you battle inside and conquer, day by day. I'm sure you can feel the love you have for each other. That's a gift even if each day isn't perfect. Thank you for sharing and know that I respect all the work that both of you do to make you way in this thing called life.

Love and Hugs, Cattails.

cattails, yes I am staying out of the easement business, directly that is, but not indirectly. I did call the lawyer to let him know that my aunts are having to work on my step-dad to get his signature moving forward. He told me that he had still not been able to reach my step-dad calling him at home before the time that I think they leave to see my mother. So, not feeling comfortable giving out the helper's cell phone number, I gave him the phone number directly to my mother's nursing home room where my step-dad and his helper go every day and to expect the helper, --name---, to answer the phone. I told him why I am staying out of this directly and he understands. I learned that my step-dad will not hold up the aunts and my mother receiving their money, but if he does not sign, the gas company will issue a judgement against him, whatever that means.

My wife got so worked up over this that she called her mother about it who told her to calm down for it was not her issue for anyhow I'm in charge with both POAs. She brought it up to her therapist yesterday morning who told her the same thing. She's in a lot of pain in her back and has some pain in her foot that no one can find the cause for. It might be somatic. She's also been depressed over the pain which is understandable, but depressing to be around as well. Her therapist told her to get out of the house and walk as much as she can somewhere like the mall, etc. She is going to have an MRI done soon which I am glad of. This has made the third doctor that she's been too about this foot. In the past, I've basically learned not to absorb my wife's anxiety and drama over things, she is bipolar as well. However, the intensity of this and the repetitiveness of it was overwhelming.

I talked with my therapist yesterday about my wife's drama surrounding this drama with my step-dad over mom possibly moving back home and this easement thing. He agreed that despite her knowledge of triangulation, that she was trying to triangulate things with all of her drama over you need to say this or that when you tell your step-dad no, although she had agreed initially that just telling him the doctor says no was enough. She wanted me to make up a list of reasons why mom going home would not work and get a letter from the doctor whom I never saw last Friday, but I am glad that I saw the social worker. She was also going over all this stuff about your step-dad might try getting your mother to remove you as POA or he might try taking you to court, etc. over and over, and over again day after day saying the very same things, the very same way, etc. Looking back, I think she was manic. My therapist asked if she doesn't have enough of her own issues to not be micromanaging how I'm dealing with this myself which I had become anxious enough on my own over. He's noticed as I have that my wife goes through these cycles just like I do with her bipolar which is more the manic type than mine. He repeated that just telling my step dad that while I can understand his wanting my mother home, that the doctor has said no and leave it at that for anything else will only contribute to getting into an argument. When I got home I share with my wife that my therapist said again what to say and that a letter from the doctor was not needed. She tried to get into that drama again and I reminded her that Jesus said let your no be no and your yes be yes and thus the short answer is better. She chilled out after that. My therapist wonders if some of this physical pain, particularly the foot, is not somatic because of some issue she is dealing with. Thus, it is easier to get caught up into my stuff that deal with her own.

It is tough when she is in cycles like this and it is lonely, but I've learned to weather them until she cycles out and so to speak I have the real her back. Thus, we really having been connecting lately like we often do otherwise. Thanks for your wishes and that would be good to just get away from it all, but not always possible. Thus, I go to my man cave or go watch TV. My therapist thinks her drama plus my own anxiety over this and particularly about Friday contributed to my down time on Sunday and Monday. Sometimes too, with her PhD in social psychology, my wife tries to play armchair therapist which even therapists know not to do with their own family members. Sometimes, her head knowledge of the theories behind what therapists do and say makes her intellectualize what therapists say or what they say when she is hospitalized which is not good.

Both of us are on disability and that often adds to the burden of things. For example, right now I don't have the energy to do everything that needs to be done in the house, out in the yard, for the cars or even walk the dog. If I get groceries bought, pay the bills, cook some food for I'm buying more frozen meals now, wash the clothes, run the dishwasher, drive her to various doctor's appointments and to see her therapist, that is about all I have energy for. She stays off of her foot by sitting in front of her lap top on the little sofa or reading a book or she sleeps in very late which looks like will be the case today. I don't have to be up this early, but I got up and have stayed up anyhow, plus gone ahead and taken my medicine. Those two really bad days of mine on Sunday and Monday were made worse by the fact that I was so depressed that I failed to take several of my medicines. Now that is bad. Before I forget to since I'm writing this and it is so easy to forget when in front of the computer, I have one more med to take for this morning which should help my energy level. Unless I remember to take my androgel, i.e. testosterone, in the morning instead of later in the day, the day does not normally go as well. Thank goodness that this new version does not take four hours to dry before you can shower, swim or set, but only takes two hours.

Thanks for listening.

Thank you John and Margeaux! I appreciate the feedback, it has given me some ideas as to how to proceed and I will keep you posted♥!

cmag: I agree with all you have explained about your mom and step-dad. I'd let the Aunts put pressure on step-dad about the easements, etc. Just hang in there on your mom's need for NH care and let the others work him over on business end. Don't let yourself get drawn in to the bargaining.

Here's the thing I'd like to ask you. I'm assuming you've been married a long time and it seems from your posts that your relationship with your wife is stressed. Both of you (from my limited knowledge) have been dealt a difficult hand with family members and you both have your struggles in that area. You seem to have found your salvation by setting boundaries and trying to limit the impact your wife's anxiety has on you.

So here's my question: Is there any way that you and your wife can leave all the family drama behind and spend some quality time together? Is it possible to reconnect in a way that gives you both comfort? I realize I'm preaching to the choir hear, but life is precious and comfort is a blessing.

I'm not saying what you should do by any means. I'm just saying what I would wish for you. Hugs, Cattails.

Cmagnum, I went back and read some of your posts about your dilemma w/your s'dad's position about the release of your mom. How crazy would that be, the thought that they'd release her, and that she'd end up going home to him and that helper. Given what you've said about his helper, she sounds like a doozy kind of person. Besides as I think it was Cattails, and Sharynmarie, from what I understand a POA's authority to be, that is you are the one probably with the final say. Regardless, I couldn't even imagine any doctor in their right mind releasing someone like your mom in her condition to them. Oh and believe me,
I know that feeling you've been experiencing with your wife, of having to hear someone you live with and their take on the way things are, should be etc. In other words the drama. My sister too, keeps going at it, with respect to her take and budding in with my brother and what she deems as the lack of support from his own family. This she bases on his lack of a real marriage w/the wife he lives with. Then, he has those four grown adult children still in his house, who aren't the contributing types in any way shape or form. So aside from having to hear about my brother's health problem, with the prostate, etc., I also had to hear all of that. I'd already been hearing this the week prior, and I know because of the things my sister has been electing to do which is completely bud in, where she has no business. She's a total enabler, always reemphasizing that she does certain things with respect to my brother's health issue since his kids don't and also since his wife isn't showing any interest. When she's said things like this, I've had to remind her, that although this may be true, they'll never actively participate if there's always someone like her to run to rescue them. Anyway, for me at least I don't live in the same household w/my sister, I get all of this info. on the phone. So, I haven't been in touch with her for a few days now, got tired of the same old broken record. But , you made me laugh in a good way, when you referred to going to your man cave. Hey, I'm glad you have one! So what I can ssy to you Cmagnum, is keep your eye on the ball w/your situation re: your mom & s'dad. Your the man! Take care, Margeaux