So many people feel like you. They are caring for their mom, only because they feel obligated to do so. It’s extremely hard not to become resentful when a parent complains incessantly.
I totally understand where you're coming from and believe you when you say your mother isn't a bad person. Mine isn't either. The 'showtiming' and 'company manners' is for everyone else. You and me both get the incessant complaining and negativity. If your mother was anything like mine there will also be instigating for a fight and a good measure of villifying you to anyone who will listen.
@NHWM
In my opinion, I do not think that adult children should take on one-hundred percent of the caregiver role even if they had the best of relationships with their parents. I truly think that parents who were not selfish and dysfunctional with their families don't want their kids to give up their lives and become enslaved to their neediness.
I don't think if people who grew up in a home with dysfunction or abuse should take on any of the caregiving needs for their parents. Most of the time the children of abuse and dysfunction have strained relationships with their parents in their adult lives. They have to overcome a lot to get to stained. If they take on caregiving for their parents that's a recipe for disaster.
Nor do I. For one thing, as needs increase, it is too much work for one person to handle on their own.
It’s natural for caregivers to become resentful like Madisoncuckcoo is when they are in these situations.
In my opinion, caregiving changes a parent/child relationship entirely. It places too much strain on the relationship.
Some parents expect so much from their children.
Many parents don’t show any appreciation to their children for their help. How can a person not be resentful when they are in this situation? It’s hard to put up with.
It’s a lot easier to deal with a parent when the child doesn’t deal with daily hands on caregiving.
This is a good thread. I'm totally disgusted with books and articles by caregivers who sugarcoat the situation. As in, "Taking care of Momsy and changing her Depends was the best thing I ever did because I finally learned to understand her, and if it weren't for dementia, we never would have reconciled." (Not the actual quote, but similar.) Or "My beloved husband and I were never as close as when we jetted around the world when he had Parkinson's. It really wasn't so hard taking him to the bathroom in the airports except for that time in Brussels when he went in the wrong door." Or, "We added on to our house so that our dear Poppy could live with us after his stroke, and we will care for him until the end no matter what it requires; by the way, what's a Hoyer?"
When I was new to caregiving, I didn't know how to set boundaries and am still perplexed about things that happened. For instance, Rude Aunt was telling Dad things that required that she be alone with him in the room, and she talked in whispers. Then later he'd call me and tell me to "keep it legal." I had no clue what that was about, but he had dementia, so anything could come out of his mouth. Then later Rude Aunt (age 88) accused me of taking money from him, which didn't happen. I paid for groceries for him and caregivers, I filled up his gas tank with my credit card, etc. and never saw any extra money around.
So after RA's accusal, I figured she was making up who knows what sort of thing and trying to turn him against me for her own purposes, as she was to inherit from him. I was the executor, and she didn't like that because she thought she should be in charge of everything, and there were signs that she was trying to get him to change that. Oh, and I was her executor at the time as well.
So where would I have set the boundaries? He wanted to see Rude Aunt, so no banning her from the house or phone calls without making Dad unhappy. Confront her about what she was saying when I didn't know yet what it was? She always denied saying or doing anything wrong about anything because if she 'fessed up, that would put her in a bad light.
I believe I remained true to myself in ignoring what Rude Aunt was doing, going about my caregiving and other duties with the highest of intentions, and doing the best I could. My relationship with Dad remained okay until he died, though I still don't know if he believed RA or even forgot what she'd said.
Caregiving affects us in numerous ways, and when in the thick of it, it's hard to sort everything out. Especially when people start trying to undermine our efforts.
Before I got sucked into the misery of taking care of two 91 year old parents 4 years ago, I had forgotten how miserable they were because I only saw them socially every six weeks or so.
It brought home how much my parents like to wallow in misery. I realized there never was any joy in that house. I don’t think either of them had a moment of happiness . My mother was always nasty and unhappy and forced my father to agree with what slight or upset du jour that made her unhappy. So he was always unhappy by proxy.
She managed to hide herself behind a facade for a long time and I really forgot who she was until 4 years ago.
I do what I do out of some misplaced obligation. Wishing my mothers Medicaid decision was happening sometime soon. It’s been months. I want to sell their house and just move on.
So many people feel like you. They are caring for their mom, only because they feel obligated to do so. It’s extremely hard not to become resentful when a parent complains incessantly.
I totally understand where you're coming from and believe you when you say your mother isn't a bad person. Mine isn't either. The 'showtiming' and 'company manners' is for everyone else. You and me both get the incessant complaining and negativity. If your mother was anything like mine there will also be instigating for a fight and a good measure of villifying you to anyone who will listen.
@NHWM
In my opinion, I do not think that adult children should take on one-hundred percent of the caregiver role even if they had the best of relationships with their parents. I truly think that parents who were not selfish and dysfunctional with their families don't want their kids to give up their lives and become enslaved to their neediness.
I don't think if people who grew up in a home with dysfunction or abuse should take on any of the caregiving needs for their parents. Most of the time the children of abuse and dysfunction have strained relationships with their parents in their adult lives. They have to overcome a lot to get to stained. If they take on caregiving for their parents that's a recipe for disaster.
Nor do I. For one thing, as needs increase, it is too much work for one person to handle on their own.
It’s natural for caregivers to become resentful like Madisoncuckcoo is when they are in these situations.
In my opinion, caregiving changes a parent/child relationship entirely. It places too much strain on the relationship.
Some parents expect so much from their children.
Many parents don’t show any appreciation to their children for their help. How can a person not be resentful when they are in this situation? It’s hard to put up with.
It’s a lot easier to deal with a parent when the child doesn’t deal with daily hands on caregiving.
When I was new to caregiving, I didn't know how to set boundaries and am still perplexed about things that happened. For instance, Rude Aunt was telling Dad things that required that she be alone with him in the room, and she talked in whispers. Then later he'd call me and tell me to "keep it legal." I had no clue what that was about, but he had dementia, so anything could come out of his mouth. Then later Rude Aunt (age 88) accused me of taking money from him, which didn't happen. I paid for groceries for him and caregivers, I filled up his gas tank with my credit card, etc. and never saw any extra money around.
So after RA's accusal, I figured she was making up who knows what sort of thing and trying to turn him against me for her own purposes, as she was to inherit from him. I was the executor, and she didn't like that because she thought she should be in charge of everything, and there were signs that she was trying to get him to change that. Oh, and I was her executor at the time as well.
So where would I have set the boundaries? He wanted to see Rude Aunt, so no banning her from the house or phone calls without making Dad unhappy. Confront her about what she was saying when I didn't know yet what it was? She always denied saying or doing anything wrong about anything because if she 'fessed up, that would put her in a bad light.
I believe I remained true to myself in ignoring what Rude Aunt was doing, going about my caregiving and other duties with the highest of intentions, and doing the best I could. My relationship with Dad remained okay until he died, though I still don't know if he believed RA or even forgot what she'd said.
Caregiving affects us in numerous ways, and when in the thick of it, it's hard to sort everything out. Especially when people start trying to undermine our efforts.
It brought home how much my parents like to wallow in misery. I realized there never was any joy in that house. I don’t think either of them had a moment of happiness . My mother was always nasty and unhappy and forced my father to agree with what slight or upset du jour that made her unhappy. So he was always unhappy by proxy.
She managed to hide herself behind a facade for a long time and I really forgot who she was until 4 years ago.
I do what I do out of some misplaced obligation. Wishing my mothers Medicaid decision was happening sometime soon. It’s been months. I want to sell their house and just move on.
Excellent points!
I totally agree with you. We aren’t always prepared for what will happen during our caregiving journey. We learn as we go along.
HH,
Sounds like a toxic environment! It is miserable to be around people who are always in a funk!
It’s interesting how some people manage to make the best out of crappy situations and others who don’t have it nearly as bad will complain to no end.