Taking back your life.

Riverdale, I got my Mom back to the house. I stayed 2 nights.
I'm back home I will go there probably daily. How long I stay depends on how 🤔 how we get along. Or how she treats me.
I have been with her 24/7 for 5 months.
Basically she does there what she did with me, except I was her maid, I can clean when I go up to her house. Make sure she has food. And everything at hand.

Tiredniece, you had to draw the line for your own health, and good for you for doing so! You are right that it is too much, and you are strong to take your life back :)

Congratulations Tired niece.

I took mine back last year. I was POA and by that, family decided that I was it for EVERYTHING. They live within a few minutes from her. I had to come visit and stay with aunt for weeks, weekends. Miss work, pay for meals, cleaning the house professionally, you name it, I was expected to do it all, while they took trips, went to work, DICTATED, OVERSEERED and went their merry way. Aunt started taking advantage of my kindness, too.
I got smart and had enough. I consulted with this forum about my POA, as it was stressing me out, as well as family and I got rid of it. Aunt is beyond angry with me, denounced me from her will, but I don't care. I wanted my life and freedom back and I was spending a lot of my money on transportation (I live out of state) to visit and feed her and her neighbor who was helping my aunt at that time.
My phone isn't blowing up with asking me to come down and stay with aunt for weeks at a time. I have my life back.

DoggieMom, I have already brought her to her house. She is being such a whiney brat right now. Just little stuff.
She likes to turn the TV column all the way down and listen..for what I don't know.
I have provided all the things I'm going to and am forcing myself to stay the night.
I brought my cat, litter box and cat food.
First thing she got on me about was where I put the water bowl and food bowl.
I almost left. Lol
Cray stuff.
She is sitting at the other end of the house...with the volumn down. Waiting for me to appear so she can start up some stupid mess again.
I was going to stay here at night time with her and go to my mh during the day but this is starting off bad.
Pride is a nasty thing when there is too much.
This FULL MOON tonight isn't helping matters either.

It can be so difficult to stop caregiving and say, "I can't do this anymore." It is brave and difficult. There come a point when any one person trying to care for one person is too much. I am curious, if she will be returned to her own home, is there any way that home health could ease some of your burden? I see that you will be taking care of meds and things like that, home health can't provide for major medical needs, but they can help with some things like bathing, making sure she takes meds (putting them in place), meals, and light housework. They can also help set up doctor's appointments and do light wound care and do some toileting needs. Usually home health is available through Medicare and Medicaid and this would ease some of your burden. You would still have to food shop, but they could help prepare meals (they could meal prep for two or three days) and if she has Meals on Wheels she will also be taken care of.

RB, I too, am in a transition, the last 3 years I didn't even get my hair cut, unless moms, hair was cut permed and colored, without feeling the guilt.

I am still doing about 75 percent of what I did, but with a much different additude. Will see how things go and what needs adjusting.

But this morning I went shopping, all by myself, didn't once think that I should pick up mom, didn't think of what she would like, didn't call her to see if she needed anything. And I feel 0 guilt. This is the first for me in 3 years.

And in 2 weeks we are going on a vacation. Last year I was so worried about her while I was gone. This is huge for me, and my hubby. Who deserves all of me. Not just part , because the other part is busy worrying.

So good luck RB

Yes, I'm just tired of it all. I can't help it if her brain is misfiring for whatever reason.
I want to have a conversation with someone and laugh at funny stuff and not have to explain why. To talk to someone who doesn't change the subject 3 or 4 times within a sentence.

I hear you too RB. It's time to move on. Take back your life.

A bit of appreciation by your mother for all you have done for her would go a long way.

I didn't receive one thank you in the five years that I traveled from California to NY to help my parents. Most times I was regarded with suspicion as if I was trying to swindle them or my siblings. If I made suggestions to improve their quality of life (i.e. handicap accessible shower) my mother would shoot everything down nastily. Not one thank you for all the air fare I laid out for my transcontinental flights six times a year. I came back because I felt I owed it to my sisters not to have everything fall on them. That's why I did what I did.

There won't be an inheritance because Medicaid will get their house but at least I have my freedom.

They are permanently in a NH now so I can visit on my terms now.

I hear ya RB

JoAnn, I'll try to address your last paragraph first.
My Mom has never been diagnosed with Dementia or ALZ. Never been diagnosed with any mental illness or ADHD, personality disorder, etc,
She is crafty in that way,
There is heat at the house now, there are also a/c window units.
She will have food in the fridge and all of her needs right at her fingertips. She will have meals on wheels like she has at my house and she knows how to make coffee. I do her bills every month. I know who she owes and how much. I have maintained her budget bill paying, banking since 2018.
That won't stop.
I already have the area Senior Resource Center involved with different things.
I do a lot for her and will continue to do them.
Making sure she has her daily meds day/night. Making sure she has water, bottled.
Please re read what I wrote.
Maybe the unlivable was the wrong word to use. She wants me to live there with her and I can't live in clutter and chaos anymore.
I can't sit with her every day night and day.
She can change her own pull ups and do her ADLs. Does she remember to do these things yes. But she would prefer me to do all of the cleaning, maintenance or any other thing. And then bitch at me and say, I didn't ask you to do that-if I complain she can do those things herself. So yeah, I had spoiled her. I admit I wanted to hear some words of genuine appreciation. Instead of doing it all only to have her pick out the one thing I didn't do or the one item at the grocery store I forget.
Ducks in a row. haha. right.
I think she wants to believe I will continue to be her bickering partner because she really believes she is always right and blaming everything on any and everybody and sometimes God. Shame, blame shame some more.
I have been seeing therapist off and on for years. And continue too. I don't know how else to explain things.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-elderly-mom-moved-in-with-me-she-had-no-where-else-to-go-now-how-do-i-keep-from-going-crazy-447736.htm

This is ur first post from 2019. In it you state that Mom has Dementia. In 5 years this has not gotten better. How do you expect a person suffering from Dementia to set up her own care. You mention here that the house she was living in is unliveable. How old is Mom.

I understand your frustration but you may want to run this by a lawyer. You have taken Mom into your home and now send her back to a place thats unliveable? That may be abandonment.

Sorry, I think you need to get your ducks in a row since you have been dealing with Mom the last 5 years. When u found the house she was living in was unfit and had no heat, you could have called APS on a vulnerable adult. You could have told them you could not care for her because of childhood abuse. They would have needed to help her. Then she would have been on their radar. If she was declared incompetent, the State could have taken over her care.

If Mom was found to have no Dementia, then place her backvin brothers home fixing whatever needs to be fixed. Making sure she has heat, water and electric. Fill her frig and cabinets with food. Make everything accessible as possible. Have a list with resources #s on it. If she needs help set that up if she has the money if not, Medicaid inhome. Then wait and see how she does. If she doesn't pay her bills and refuses to shop for herself or pay help, then u call APS. Explain you did everything to set her up and she did not follow thru. Your can no longer help her, your burned out. And she was and is an abuser. You cannot care for her. Allow the State to take over her care.

When you do start to take back your life, and get out of the fog, you start to realize things, everything is clear

I understand, and it’s very affirming to read your post. I know that I have to take my life back because I have begun to feel a sense of despair. I have to put the feeling of despair on a leash, and am let it guide/inform me, and not engulf me. I have begun taking specific steps, and will just keep going until I am out of this situation. I wish you Godspeed,

I totally relate to everything you said and it's my time as well to take my life back.

Rbuser,

Sounds like you have jumped through many hoops, bent over backwards, stood on your head and done back flips as well. That’s more than enough!

You have paid your dues and then some. It’s time to live your best life now. I wish you all the best.

Rbuser,
I understand where you are coming from. We have to take back our lives or we will not be any good for anyone. I spent too long thinking it was so "admirable" of me to neglect my needs to do everything for my dad. Now, I'm a burned out, overweight individual . I had to learn to set boundaries because my needs are important too. Try your best to take care of yourself.

Rbuser,

I’m glad you are taking back your life .
Remember a few things .

Boundaries.
Letting phone calls go to voicemail can be helpful . Call back IF or when you want .

Phrases:

No .

I’m sorry but I can not do that .

I’m sorry but that will not be possible .

Mom call 911 , I can not come .

AN, she is staying with me now after being discharged from hospital in Dec after hurting her back. She has had personality disorder and mental health issues for years but managed to use it to her advantage to get me to do everything a daughter can do and it is and never has been enough.
My brother passed away last June and his house was to come to next of kin. Long story short I was helping her get those things taken care of with a lawyer and she fall and hurt herself in October in the 'house'.
It wasn't livable, no heat in Dec when she finally got through with the the merry go round. Hospital stay rehab for a couple of weeks, not enough time to apply for medicaid. She comes to stay with me...2 nights and had to be taken to hospital for acute UTI and dehydration.
Was there for 3 weeks and discharged to me again as there was no medical reason for her to stay. She would have been transferred to a 'medicaid pending bed' over an hour away. So, at the same time found out she had monies that we didn't know she could use. I thought she needed 24/7.
I stopped them from shipping her off. Brought her to my home.
At this time she is very, clingy and needed but says she is not.
I was de cluttering this house and just stopped. It is a trigger of bad memories and she thought I was going to live with her and continue care.
We have never been close. She has always been competing with me and just argumentive as well. But you know it takes 2. Everything is an argument. I've been parentified for years and I am sick of it. To put it bluntly. I am tired of the one upping that goes on on a continuous basis. I just know I don't want to move back into that house. She is on another level of wierd when it comes to that house. It was my brothers and she wants to hold this over my head that it will some day be mine.
I have a home. Hence, she has had to stay with me before and it was hell. This time she does need the help and I am just not available for that anymore.
I don't know what's going to happen with her living there, but she will have to find someone to help her.

Id like to hear more about it, your life and caregiving. You page doesn't say much.

I am confused. You state your mother is to go back to her house per your wishes. Understandable. Then you state that you are not helping getting her back to her house. So where is she to be and where are you to be if not with her in your house yet you are not getting her back to her house. So can you explain how she is to get back to her house without your help? Perhaps you have someone to get her back to her home. Otherwise the situation seems to be a standstill.

Good for you!! I'm sure yourennot alone with your thinking. Burn out is real, so take care of YOU now.