My brother and sister don't help me take care of my mother. I hate them!

I have seen so many stories, some that make sense and others that don't. Some give me hope and others fill me with sadness. I am one of 5 siblings (1 older sister and the rest of us are the brothers). My mother was diagnosed with brain tumor in October 2014 and since then the treatments have given her dementia like symptoms. She is no longer all there and cannot take care of herself. My sister has taken her into her home with her husband and kids and have been able to accommodate her in a guest room with a medical bed and other items to help in her care. Needless to say, there has been a lack of "support" from my brothers and I that my sister has expressed anger over and claimed we have not lived up to expectations of what we should do. I cannot speak for my brothers but for myself, I live in another city with limited resources myself and my own family to care for. Straddled with bills that keep me working and give little time or resources to go anywhere. I want to help my sister and mother in every way but lack a lot of resources, which my sister will not believe. I have always worked on keeping my sadness and anger at myself for failing hidden from her the many times she has yelled at me for be a jerk, loser, bad son and the likes. After 1 months I came to a breaking point and had a bad argument that left her crying. We haven't spoken for 6 weeks. She would go on about how I should do more and when I tried to tell her how I wanted to she would ask for specifics like giving $$200 every month or spending a week a month with my mom. I had nowhere near that kind of extra money (if any) and I would be fired if I took that kind of time off leaving me in a worse position to care for my own family. What little I could offer was not enough and got me more of her telling me what a bad person I was because I was not making it work for "her" mom. Yes, she doesn't say "our" mom. I could never explain to her why it wasn't what it looked like. I'm extremely saddened that it seems we have made a separation from being family and I don't want her to think I do not care. I also don't want to miss out on being able to see my mom before her time comes. I want to support and be able to have good relations with my sister and mother but I don't know how. All of you who have taken the care giver role and have had siblings depart, what would make you establish a connection again and how could I show my sister that any lack of support in time or finances isn't because I don't want to, but because I can't?

I sold my condo and built a house with special accommodations so I could move my mother in with me. I have 2 brothers, neither of who help me with my mom. I found out that one of them and his wife were stealing from her before I took over her finances. The other who I thought would be helpful, retired and moved down the street from us only to stay in his bubble. My mother and I do quite a bit together. I love spending time with her and creating memories. I do need a break sometimes too. My stress level goes through the roof at times, although I wouldn't change a thing. I am at the point I haven't been before though. If I need to hire a caregiver, I will tap into mine and my brothers trust funds to pay for my mother's care. Since they don't care to assist or only want her money which I could care less about,

OutWest2 - I wonder what you would think/say if the shoe were on the other foot.

I assume you were one of the children that offered to take Mom in. Did you expect that your siblings would then leave it all on you and you would be a 24/7 caregiver from that moment until Mom died? What is YOU needed to take a vacation or time off to deal with other matters (such as, for example, the illness of your spouse or one of your children)? Did you expect your siblings to turn a deaf ear like you're doing to the live-in sibling now? Would you expect them to say "She made her bed, she has to lie in it?"

I must say, the 'made your bed now lie on it' attitude jangled my nerves a bit, too. I wonder just how fast all the other siblings who offered to take mother in would have changed their minds and shunted her on to the next placement? Especially with the 'if you don't want to live with a promise you made, break it' counsel at the end, there.

Ah but OutWest all this sibling originally asked for is a telephone call twice a week to their now rather ill parent and quite frankly if a child can't even manage that for their parent then at best I would say shame on them. Now she is asking for help with the move and if that is too much hard work for a once in a lifetime act then they shouldn't even be calling themselves children - it is more than shameful its a disgrace.

I sort of understand where you are coming from with a sibling that moves in but I have to say I cannot understand the approach. that is YOUR parent and you have to realise that every caregiver MUST have a break so that they can continue to give the best care they can......'She made her bed and needs to live in it'? You try it when things get really bad ...... offer to go and take the reins for a week so sibling CAN have a break.... you'd be lucky to even see your bed - I haven't slept in mine for years..... Yes people do make choice but things change very rapidly when you get older and if one sibling is trying to do her best by her Mama then she or he needs help not a don't give a damn attitude.

And while I am absolutely steaming here Mum is not a parcel to be shipped off. Perhaps she doesn't WANT to go into a home. Perhaps she is fully cognisant, perhaps she would like to have supported care in an ALF. Perhaps she would actually like her other children to just care now and again........Oh lady I had better stop before the mods kick me

In my situation EVERY sibling offered to take Mother in. The sibling that needed the financial help moved in with Mother so Mother could pay the room and board. We live all over the country and cannot get back to help as much as the sibling there would like. We have jobs and family to care for and get there as much as possible. It isn't enough for the sibling there. Too bad. She made her bed and needs to live in it. She needs to quit complaining. People DO make choices and if they don't want to live with the promise they made then move the parent into a home.

Julie hun I echo CM I did the same although I didn't have a sibling that was worth one iota in fact he is prevented from coming to the house. My one overarching decision has been this. I will NOT say one word to him ever again and in particular I won't try to find him when she dies and I won't be including him in any funeral arrangements and what is more if he turns up I will ignore him. I don't want to speak to him and I won't speak to him - Now I am in that place in my head ad my heart, life, in regard to siblings, is much easier. If your Mum has capacity I would try to get full POA for finance and for health and include in that also a contract for payment of care services for you. That way there is a legitimate spend down of money and it would be going to the right person - you.

I do not uphold theories of you should ruin your personal financial status by caring for Mum and consider it an honour. Honourable though it might be it is darned draining and when the siblings are less than useless, even more so

I would certainly be looking into your mothers future care costs and for pure revenge if nothing else I hope she spends the lot and doesn't leave 'em a penny.

Just remember that if you do decide to say something to them you have to live with that for ever for words cannot be unspoken. You can take the moral high ground and say nothing and know it will unnerve them no end to see that you are not bothered by their lack of input, in fact it has put you in a better and stronger place (regardless of how you feel inside I might add) especially when they see you conversing well with everyone EXCEPT them

Carla, you are doing a brilliant job. You are a hero. I'm saying that, since your sister obviously would rather not think about it. I hope your mother's more appreciative? But anyway, you are giving your mother a fantastic quality of life, and you should be proud of yourself.

Then, reality bites. I know how you feel: you need to work, you need to take care of your mother, two into one won't go.

But does your mother still have mental capacity? Because if so, for you, it's not too late to deal with the brass tacks of the family situation and *do* something about your mother's current care costs and future estate. I failed to address these, muddled along, and I am now a sorry bunny: serves me right for pretending that everything would be okay and that I'd work it all out later on, somehow. I hope my bad example might give you a reason to act, and that it might be possible?

Wow, i thought i was the only one with a crazy family. I have been court appointed guardian/conservator for my mom now for 2 years, and been taking care of her FT since her stroke back in 4/2012. My older sister has seen her only twice, (me/mom live in SC, my sister lives in north Florida). In the beginning my sister didn't even work, just went to, school on pt basis for nursing again, now, she s,a nurse, finally, only works part time, and still can't find time to see her, even when i have volunteered twice to drive down with mom so mom could see her, she turns us down with a stupid excuse. Even when she did cone up, when my mom was in nursing home on feeding tube, she spent more time at my aunts and cousins then seeing mom. Since i got my home home from nursing home (she came out under hospice still with her feeding tube) i managed to get the feeding tube removed, she eats good again, walks with a hemi/side walker, and lives to go out, usually for a drive. Ive given her back a quality of life, but i need to go back to work, i have no retirement, and ofcourse my sister is still entitled to half of everything, including the house, even b though she has a house, paid for by my dad and her dead husband, she will want the money. After not working for 2.+ years, it gets increasingly harder to find work in my field, even though i am willing to move/relocate with mom, and she too is happy to move, there is nothing holding us in sc. I pray every night that something will happen for me. Though mom has come a long way since i got her out of that nursing home, it's still very hard.

Irishboy,
You are so right as both my brothers only care about what they will get! Always about the money, I booted one of my brothers permanently off the property I live on with my mother because all he was doing was extorting money from her. Then when I confronted him, he actually said, "You can't have all Mom's money!" This was said right in front of her too. I am broke all the time because I have to care for her and can only work part time and I am trying to "protect her money" because I don't know how long she will be here, that money is for her to live on. He has no idea what I do for her, how broke I am all the time while he goes on vacations even though he is on permanent disability. How do ya like that one? Where's my vacation? However, I am just happier knowing I don't have to look at him anymore. I'll trade vacations for that peace of mind.

Lambcake, as Rainey69 said so well, you are there, and that is so important to your mom.

I wish I had an answer for you, my brother did the same thing when my dad passed. We had great parents, he didn't come to see him, he had 4 days and was a 3 hour plane ride away, he did manage to show up the day after he passed. Concerned about his cut.

It's very painful, I feel bad for you, I know what you're going through.

Stay as strong as you can, you're doing right by your mother, the ones who don't do the right thing, have to live with their decision.

I really do believe that somewhere down deep inside even the most self absorbed have regrets later, and there is no do over on this one.

Lambcake,
Your mother is NOT alone, she has you! Being with her now and spending the last bit of time she has with you means the world to her and don't forget that. Play music that you can both enjoy together and talk about the happy memories you two have spent. Don't let your sisters spoil this for you as unbelievable as it may be, take this time and make it a positive one as your mother transitions into the next life, you will always have those memories and knowing you have no regrets or things left unsaid. My mother and I have always had a song from Helen Reddy, "You and me against the world" and every time I hear it, I cry my eyes out but it's a wonderful song for a mother and daughter. youtube/watch?v=sQ9j3dhZ6ys
All my best to you, hang in there and don't let your sisters ruin this for you, I get it, both my brothers do nothing for my Mom even though they live close by. You are doing the right thing!

I don't understand it either lambcake.. I am dealing with the same uncaring selfish siblings. I think what hurts is finding out your siblings are like this.. I had this delusion that family will always be there for you at your darkest hour. Now I am finding out that it just isn't so.

Peace to you too.

(((Hugs)))

Lambcake "dumbfounded" that's how I feel about my siblings also.. It doesn't make sense to us caring people..

But we have to move on.. Our parent needs our help.. Unfortunately this is the way it's going to be..

Believe me I recite this advice to myself daily..

I don't understand it. my mother is dying and my sisters are doing their own thing.
I don't understand it, when I looked into my mother's eyes and changing face and i'm all alone, while they re in florida and having fun. I just cannot understand it. I'm sorry to repeat, but I am really dumbfounded and I just don't understand that type of person. I am alone in this I guess... and my dear mother is certainly alone in facing death. Peace to all and listening to music and dancing or moving your body helps a bit. I have to remember i'm alive. I could go right down the tubes with her... I am so empathetic. I feel so badly for her. I'm done for today.

Nana2Nanny, sounds good, but you see can't bury them. Why? Because once the parent passes it will be the "Return of the Living Dead", once the parent is gone they now arrive on the scene and have time.

Sorry, but you haven't crossed that bridge yet, I wrote my brother off as he was of no help, well he managed to get on a plane the day after our father died and now suddenly had time. Took leave from his job and stayed over a MONTH! Couldn't bother to pick up the phone or come visit when and spend time with them when they were alive, now he had time.

Just a word to the wise, it's not as easy as you make it sound. It works for now, because your mother is still alive, but they arrive when the parent has passed and now are very interested.

You see all the hard work is done, and now it's time for "Grab that dough".

Doesn't matter the size of the estate. It could be over a set of dishes, they arrive.

Ill keep it simple-- you are in a big boat with a lot of "lonely siblings". The only thing i am amazed with is your tenacity to change "them". It took me a few weeks of begging-- even if my sister couldnt help me; please call mom or visit because your absence is confusing her. Long story short- I buried all my resentment and gave them a funeral. Shes a non-compassionate, self centered narcissist. You cant "think" you can water out of a brick; so why do you "think" you can get compassion from the self serving? I told my sister "bye and i dont need her kind in my life". I focus on me and mom and if my sister graces mom with a phone call or a visit, i dont care because in the tired old mind of a 93 year old, its a blessing. I dont need prove myself to my sister or mom. I take the high road- either im taking care of mom because i love her or for "kudos". If its for love- bid your siblings a fond farewell and let them know if or when they want to see mom, fine. If not, fine. You dont need their kind. Emphasis on NEED their "KIND". Good luck and blessings to you-- compassionate one!

Accepting that you have no control over the decision, what do you think is a good plan for your mother's care?

The other main question I have is: where are you getting your information? I'm guessing from your tone that you're not a big fan of this sister, the one local to your mother. Are you in regular touch with her? How do you know a) that she has up to now ignored your mother and b) that the money is her reason for wanting to take care of your mother?

And leading on from that, when you say that your other siblings think this idea is okay, is there in fact a reasonable match between the level of care that your mother will need and your sister's ability to provide it? What kind of experience/support/services can she bring to the job?

I has been am having issues with my sibling. My Mom has been self sufficient up until now sh live is 84. My brother & I live out of town and have provided her with emotional & financial support over the years, The other sibling lives in town where my Mom lives with her son & grandchildren over the years they hardly ever came to see her & holidays ignored her. Now my Mom needs to live with someone all the time my sibling wants to take her because she needs the money that Mom will bring to the table. I am furious that my other siblings are even considering this after the way she treated her over the years. I have no control over the final decision where she will go? I can't talk to other siblings about this because they think it is ok. Please help with suggestions

katiekay, I can't either imagine taking an elderly person to the DMV. It's a hassle doing it yourself. Of course it's always easy to dictate to someone else to do it, when you're not the one doing it.

livelifefull, ever hear of Maya Angelou? If you haven't she was a brilliant writer. One of her famous quotes was "when people show themselves to you believe them"....meaning they're showing their true colors, learn from that. Get away from them, not embrace them.

While I agree hating someone does you no good, you don't keep people in your life who do you harm and don't have your back.

Would you tell an abused woman to love the husband that beats her up?

Should you love someone who tried to kill you?

You don't have to love siblings who turn their backs on their parents and you in a time of need. In fact it is healthier for you to distance yourselves from them.

There is no hate in my heart. I am for the most part, unable to hate anyone. I dislike the fact that I get angry, frustrated and the resentment??? ...turns into guilt:(. My mother does praise me with words for being there for her. I went over and above the physician's whom kept telling me it was dementia. I fought for 4 months with the medical teams and insurance company to get a diagnosis. My mom tells me how much she loves me and that I am her angel for saving her life and in the next breath tells me I wish I could reimburse you financially but, I feel bad for your brother because we threw him out of his home, he feels abandoned and he just can't touch any of his money. The reality, he is free and getting a free ride. I know my mother truly does love me and she was a nurturing and loving mother to me. My mother sees things in one way. I have tried to talk to her about my feelings but, she starts crying and yelling at me and it always goes absolutely nowhere. I believe my mother pays my brother more for the fact that she can control him....she actually told him the other day if you don't start calling me I am not going to pay your rent anymore. My mom is perplexed as to why the famiky no longer wants anything to do with them. She says it is my money and I will give it to whomever I choose. Long story short, now my family are waging war on eachother and I am where I always am....stuck in the middle trying to repair the damage. My head tells me what side I should be on and my heart the other side! P.S. My father's wishes where that his children would never be burdened with caring for them hence the reason he saved so much money! He wanted my mother in a nice Assisted Living Facility close to her children! My mom on the other hand says I am not spending the money! Case closed with her.

Regardless, please do not hate, regardless, life is far too short.

I have been there and back too, and if you look at my history, you will realize, it was the loving people at aging care.com that made me take a look at myself too.

Hate is not something that any of us should have in our vocabulary.

Yes people are greedy, some are very compassionate, some are too giving, some get caregiver burnout, some fly 5000 miles away to get away from reality, but hate.

Let us love. or like the world and the situation we are in. Remember

"life is a journey not a race"

Kaybee68, Wow! I would draw the line in the sand regardless of what your fathers
wishes were. If it were my brother getting paid for his sports car and his apartment, I would hand him over the POA and walk away! All the money in the world is not worth destroying your life over and going broke, for what? So you can come in and save the day for nothing. Your brother will put her into an assisted care facility which clearly she can afford and go Live Your Life. My mother truly appreciates me and always say's she would not know what she would do without me. Big difference! My brothers are worthless and she knows it though she does slip into denial every now and then. I have to remind her she is not a Rockefeller and cannot afford to keep handing them money. My heart goes out to you trying to do the right thing but if it means sacrificing your entire life unrewarded, I would get moving along and let your dear sweet brother handle it! It is not your job as daughter if you are not being appreciated and or compensated somehow for your sacrifices.

I too can totally relate to you situation and your feelings. My mom became ill with a brain tumor and hydrocephalus of the brain rendering her completely incapacitated. My brother is 43 has never been married and lived with my mom rent free. I have 3 kids, a husband and my own home. During her illness I took a 1 year leave of absence from work and resumed the responsibility of POA as my father wished and caregiver as my father did not wish. I would wake up at 2am to relieve my brother so he could go to work. He works swing shifts so many days and evenings I would just stay at my moms and on weekends. I did all the shopping, doctors and necessary errands while my brother was home. I never saw my family and we were suffering severely financially. My husband bore the burden of running a business, running my daughter around, cooking and cleaning. I never took a penny from my mom whom has a substantial amount of money. My brother whom also has some very large investments continued to live off my mom. Long story short, my mom recovered and is now able to do most things for herself but, needs someone around 24hrs. I needed to go back to work so we sold my moms home, put my brother in an apartment and moved my mother in here with us and a caregiver. My mom informed me that it is a daughter's responsibility to care for her mother so I met her half way. We gave my mom the back end of our home which gives her a den, bedroom and private bathroom. I lost over $40,000 in income and that doesn't include the expenses and the apx $150 a week for gas for a year. Long story short my mom's retirement income is $4,800 a month and she has substantial savings and investments the my father intended to be used for my mom's care. Other than the caregiver she refuses to spend the money. I take $400 a month from her which includes everything. Food, utilities, transportation ect. Her reason for not being able to contribute more is because she has to pay my brother's rent so he can pay for his $50,000 sports car and not have to dip into his investments. All of my savings has now been exhausted. My daughter's college fund is now gone. It is like someone stuck a bladein my back! Most of the family is disgusted in her behavior and his for taking her money. They get angry and tell me that I am being taken advantage of and to stand my ground. What do you do? Put your mom in assisted living and live with her hating you? My sister is in Ca $3,000 miles away so no brainer and hard for her to get here. We only hear from my brother at the end of the month and has to be told to call our mother. I love my mom dearly but, this experience has changed everything in my life and has made me feel resentment even anger at times. I do what is expected of me and let all the opinions from others roll off my shoulders in order to keep the peace.

irishboy, I won't even dignify your comments with a response. Is there an "ignore" button on this site?

Wow.. I have to agree with countrymouse and irish boy... I cannot imagine taking an elderly person to the DMV!! OMG.. I had to renew my license this last year and had to go in person since I renewed online the last time. I was there at least 3 hours and it was a miserable experience.. and I was there alone!

Please 2ndbest don't take it personally and try to work with your sister. I cant imagine that being a primary caregiver feels self important. I am in the same position as your sister.. I assure you I do not feel self important. I feel alone and abandoned by my siblings with this huge responsibility . Being a primary caregiver is the most isolating, life changing, difficult, exhausting job you can possibly imagine. If you aren't there physically sometimes you may not be aware of all the potential issues.

It's not about being self important. If you want to be in charge than you can take over the care of your mom. You're not doing the hard work. You're bashing caregivers, which is the norm to justify your lack of involvement. If your sister is that horrible, than take action.

Again it's very easy to dictate and tell someone else take your mother to the DMV(I can't think of a worse place to have to go, never mind with a senior with health issues), you're not the one doing it.

Truth hurts.

Rainey69, your story is very similar as mine and to be accused of 20 years of "cozying up" sounds exactly like the projections of my sister. That would be quite a plan to stick with given all the tasks you would have had to do to position yourself. I've started keeping diary of all the things I do for my Mom going forward and it is astounding; the hours total a part time job despite the fact that she is in a memory care facility. The true show of caring is just like Irishboy said about being present with your loved one and not criticizing or being competitive with the caregiver.

Countrymouse and irishboy...whatever you want to think is fine with me. If it helps you to feel more in control and self-important to diminish my honest attempts to help my mom, knock yourselves out. Your opinions have zero impact on my life. Thanks for nothing.

I am just trying to picture the expression that would have come to my own face if my sister had gone over my head to renew my mother's driving licence so that she could open a (yet another) new account so as to be sure to have plenty of cash lying around in case she needs it. In her ILF. Where presumably there are all kinds of people coming and going.

I'm not fond of my sister right now for different reasons - though, oddly enough, they are related to her "sharing my burden" by taking mighty good care of my late mother's money - but as least she wouldn't have been so utterly gormless as to do something like that.

Only trying to help, I expect? God preserve us.