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I think you need to talk with him - without defensiveness. He got very emotional - something is behind it. Maybe you are DOING all of these tasks but not spending quality time with them - I don't know - just speculating. (and coming from me - who tends to work long hours and do long hours at home - and my quality time evaporates until DH or D son calls me on it). Ask him - what was behind the emotion.

Once you understand him - you can talk about how you go forward together. Having him on board to help more at home also seems to be important. Good luck and please let us know what happens.
(9)
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Oh, Wubba, I want to be kind, but your letter REALLY ticks me off.

Your DH can get off his tail and register his daughter. She's his responsibility too. (I'm venting: why is kid stuff usually the mom's responsibility?!) For that matter, Dear Daughter can fill out the registration paperwork herself. While it's fine if she does things early (I do), both your daughter and husband need to learn to do for themselves and learn you are not their default dumping ground.

You are NOT neglectful. To me, you sound overworked and overstressed, and under-appreciated and under-supported. I hope you can find the time and energy to seek a counselor or a trusted friend to support you about how to talk with your husband and your daughter about they need to do to support YOU.

*hug*
(10)
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I think Gershun is right. He feels neglected and is pushing it off as you neglecting your daughter. And maybe you are neglecting him. But here is the thing, it seems like he doesn't do much around the house to help you out. If he did, you might have more time for him too.

I can only imagine how it is for the spouse of a person caring for an elder. Everything is focused on the elder and after awhile you do feel ignored. I know making all the arrangements for my father was all consuming so I know what you are going through. After awhile my husband was sick of hearing about it. Sick of the late evening calls for assistance. Sick of always being in crisis mode for my father. I see both sides.

Sit him down and tell him what you wrote. Tell him all the things you managed to do and ask him why he thinks you were neglecting daughter. Ask him why he couldn't do the registration since you were busy.
(7)
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I will tell you and I don’t even know you. You are a wonderful mom! I can tell by all of the things that you listed. You certainly aren’t neglecting your daughter or him. He’s eating the food that you have in the fridge.

I am not suggesting this at all but if you suddenly took a week off on a ‘girl’s holiday’ with friends he would notice very quickly everything that you do.

Your daughter would then have to go to him and he would not be able to take you for granted or think that you have shortchanged them. He would see first hand all that you do.

Do you think he is jealous or misses your attention? I am not saying that you are neglecting him. I doubt that you are.

Does he feel that you are overly preoccupied with your mom or is it his remark due to not being overly empathetic? You know your husband better than we do. Does he need reassurance? Has he been stressed out more than usual?

Tell him that you are concerned about your mom because she needs you and she is family and you would appreciate if he were more sensitive to your feelings.
(4)
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"wrap up this mother business" ??  What planet is he on? 

Divide up the "duties" you've been doing and put more for him than you.  Give him his "honey do list," including registering daughter for summer camp.  If it's so important to him that it must be done immediately upon daughter's request, tell him to drop everything, and do it, along with everything else you put on His list.

Then, go on and take care of your mom without another word.  You don't need to justify how/where/when you're taking care of her; she's your mom!  Is this how you can expect him to take care of you should you be in your mom's condition in years to come?  One wonders.
(9)
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Type up a list of all you do, have done and are going to continue doing for your daughter every day. Then get him to do up one describing what he does. See which one is bigger. I think we already know the answer to that.

Maybe, he's really feeling like you are neglecting him and is just putting it off on your daughter. I'm not suggesting you are neglecting him but I bet that's what it is. I remember when I was all consumed with my mom's needs before she passed and my hubs would whine and act all hard done by. I remember saying to him one day "my mom is dying, don't you get it?" He didn't get it.

Men like to be nurtured. If you are dividing the nurturing with someone else they can't handle it. Not all men...........but quite a few of them. Tough titties! Tell him to suck it up and quit trying to make you feel guilty.
(13)
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Maybe tell him that if he helped, it would "wrap up" a lot faster. Also, your daughter is watching how you treat your elders. Ask him to imagine those words coming out of his future son-in-law's mouth regarding caring for him. I'm so sorry that you haven't received the support or affirmation you need and deserve. Maybe he will learn from it in the end. I sure hope so.
(12)
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I usually try to be tactful in my response but your letter (and self doubt) got to me ...

I say, time for your hubby to pull up his big boy pants and start helping out. Maybe not with the avalanche of care for your mom but certainly with your daughter. Sounds like you are doing it all while he is watching, and unfairly judging, from the sidelines.

You have my empathy, sympathy and support to continue to care for your loved ones the best that you can! Please don't let a few words undo so much caring!
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