For the past three nights my husband has kept me awake all night long with him getting out of bed, getting dressed and insisting that I either "take him home," because he does not believe he lives here and does not believe I am his wife-at least five times a night, then insists on getting up at about 4:30 has to have cigarette and coffee, then promptly falls asleep on the sofa, while I then have to change the bed, empty his commode, clean, do the wash-sheets, liner, etc, take care of his meds and meals and the ongoing paperwork I have to try to get financial help, then start the process all over again. I am truly sick of those on this sight who talk about how they "love" caring for their "loved one" who is so sweet and on and on. I am so angry this morning, so exhausted, so lonely I just want to die-truth-just die. Though this time it is three nights, I haven't had more than two hours of sleep for two years now. Don't bother telling me it is time to find placement for him. I have $3.00 in my bank account and no savings, no benefits, up to my eyebrows in credit card debt, no weekend not a vacation in in seven years, a totaled car, about to have to foreclose on my tiny home and I get nothing but crude names, and intermittent violence and yet when his family visits for three hours every two weeks he's all smiles and happy. Please God just let me go. This pain from a formerly loving man IS more than I can bear. Please no "God never gives you more than you can handle" crap. It's just not true. I am completely mentally, emotionally and physically done. bBlood pressure was high anyway, but now out of control. Sad but I am praying for a deadly stroke, then his family (step kids of mine), can see what this is really like. Please.
Make up some story why you need to leave the house. In a situation like this it is ok to use a "theraputic lie". Bet it would be quite an eye opener to that grown child all that you need to do for his/her father. Maybe then, and only then, that the children agree that it is time for Dad to have skilled nursing care.
Please look into the option of a facility and qualifying for Medicaid... you seem to be at the end of your rope with this.
(((hugs))
I am so, so sorry you are going through this. We are here to support you but it sounds like you need some immediate help which is understandable with your lack of sleep. My heart is with you and I wish I could come over and give you some personal respite. {{{Hugs}}}
It is also common for some with memory issues to do what is called "showboating", thus act very normal for a couple of hours and the visitors think everything is rosy and sweet. If those visitors only knew what all the other hours were like.
You've come to the right place here on Aging Care. We all have your back. There will be caregivers here that have gone through this that can give you some suggestions.
The next time he gets violent call 911 and have him committed as a danger to others and then tell the people at the hospital that you will not take him back home because you cannot and will not take care of him anymore.
Your desperation and wanting to die is not good. Is there anyone you can really talk with about that for it does not sound like you have the money or the time to see a therapist.