Parents who use guilt trip, "I took care of you for all those years and supported you now you have to take care of me!"

My husband and I are fighting this battle now as well. His almost 90 year old mom was very abusive to him as a child because he reminded her of ex husba d. We live only 20 minutes away, but do very little caretaking. She insists the favored child do it all even though he an hour awsy. He angry because he wants us (me the sis in law actually since I work nights and am home days) to do a lot for his mom. She is very difficult and demanding. No very paranoid and ruining her finances too. Falls constantly and injures herself severely, still drives but cannot walk without falling. We feel she needs help as she lives alone, but we both work full time still and own and take care of rental properties and raising grandkids...I do not feel we should care for her when brother is durable power of attorney and refuses to put her in AL OR MAKE HER STOP DRIVING! She makes 4 different doctor appointments some weeks, and expects 2 to 3 grocery store trips, lawn care done, and housekeeping. I am not able physically to get her in my car by myself since she is so terribly unsteady now. She calls police constantly on neighbors claiming they break in and rob her, or they are a drug house. Police warned her to stop this a few years ago. I am afraid because she stated to one doctor she plans to drive when broken shoulder heals (major falk 2 werks ago again). I heard another doctor tell her she couldnt drive anymore at all because ge didnt want a kid on a bike run over...she drnies this. So that brother is mad at us and not speaking to us. I feel he is neglecting his duties as durable power of attorney. He should be doing what is best and ssfest for HER.

dispatcher, your only hope is for hubby and yourself to present a unified front against brother. brother probably thought this would be a gravy train. brother not speaking to you? enjoy the quiet. doesn't solve the problem of this dangerous woman. unfortunately sometimes it takes a tragedy to take these dangerous elders out.

The only other option I can think of is to plan for you and brother to attend a geriatric team evaluation of mom, which should include a specialized OT driving eval, with a backup plan to attend a joint family counseling session if she refuses the evals. Brother is probably thinking what bad people you are for refusing to help the way he wants you to, and for whatever reasons can't see his own way clear to doing what needs done. But you are reasonably protecting yourself and have enough emotional distance to see things a little more clearly. Do you have the option and the evidence to report her as an usafe dirver (being unable to walk does not necessarily confirm that). It is terribly unfair to her that she is allowed to avoid any assessment or treatment for the paranoia and balance or gait problem too. Maybe be wiling to compromise on the ALF if the brother just really hates that idea, if she would accept some in-home care; I sense that you would do things for her you think are safe and practical but wisely unwilling to step into a big pile of poo.

Thank you for the responses. I did contact the DMV about 9 years ago about her dangerous driving, after she ripped ftont end off a car in parking lot and continued on totally unaware! Police were waiting by her car when she came out of the store. I filled out report as well. They did not even have her come down to assess her driving ability! I spoke to her doctor, he ignored me even after I told him she oders things and uses credit card, and when items arrive to her home she calls credit card company screaming identity theft....forgot she ordered. Scammed by home repair guy for $5000 we never saw a single thing he did. She put large nail spikes sharp end up all around perimeter of back yard fence because she thought people were stealing tomatoes. I called city so they made her remove as it was a safety hazard. She swears she worked for the drug strike force and is responsible for busting 4 mth labs in her neighborhood. That stuff never happened. So sad to see her really be so upset and paranoid and delusional, and brother in law just refuses to get her some testing done, or hrlp of any kind. She lives alone, and I am a target of her theft accusations at times...for stealing lotion and Bible bookmark, oh dear. If durable power of attorney would have caregivers for her at least it would help, but she cant afford it due partly to credit card debt and poor judgement with money. This honestly has been going on for a very long time.

My mother (now 89 with parkinsons, numerous strokes and increasing dementia for years) was the mother from h*ll. She knocked me around, cracked my head open and put me in hospital when I was 6 and it never got any better after that. I learned to fear her at young age and spent a lifetime avoiding her but she'd never let go, nasty, domineering, controlling and threatening, She's been like that all her life and after 50 years of being brow beaten my poor dear father's heart gave out. Her reaction? "But what about meeee??" ... yep, it's always been me, me, me, me.

I got guilted into giving up my home and career to move 200 miles to care for her, After 4 years of pure hell (during which at one point I actually contemplated suicide as the only way to get away from her) she was falling constantly and I couldn't lift her. After finding her on the floor at 2 a.m. in a pool of blood and catatonic she went to hospital and from there to a lovely NH.

From the NH she called me daily, ranting, raving, screaming until, close to a nervous breakdown ... I blacked out doing 85 in my truck... I changed my phone number and made it unlisted. I was ill for several months.

She's been in the NH for 2.5 years now, had a couple more strokes,, now hallucinating, delusional, barely able to speak and what little she does say is totally crazy. Every other time I visit she's into delusional mode, the times in between she opens her eyes briefly then goes back to sleep and I leave.

She has this fantasy that she will again have a big house, fabulous furniture and me to wait on her hand and foot 24/7, even if it means me moving 3000 miles back to the UK with her ... at this point she can't even sit up by herself, is taking next to no nourishment and is close to the end.

Did she lift as finger to help her parents when she lived round the corner, didn't work and had a big car (which they didn't)? Hell no! It was too much trouble, too busy playing with her dogs, shopping, getting her hair/nails done and planning the next exotic vacation. Her mother, Sara, a totally wonderful woman, walked 2 miles each way to get groceries in her 80's because Mommie Dearest (MD) was too busy to drive her. Grandma Sara dropped dead from a stroke. MD has no idea where she was buried, if she was buried, cremated or tossed out with the trash. Sara was such a lovely woman she was allowed a quick and painless exit. In my view Karma has caught up with MD making her suffer to the bitter end for all the evil she did to anyone who dared cross her path ... and everyone caught it from her, even neighbours who she'd never even spoken to except to be nasty. One house she had got egged, and it wasn't even halloween.

I am the only family there is and have had POA for years. I have done my duty and then some and when she passes I will feel nothing but relief to finally be rid of her. At this point I ensure she has what she needs plus extras and pay her bills. Apart from that I don't think I'll visit again.

Every visit brings back 60 years of evil, hurt and misery. Oh yes, and I was sexually abused by a neighbour when I was a child ... never told her because she wouldn't have cared so long as I was out of her way. She told me a few years back that "I never wanted children hanging on my skirts, I just wanted to go have a good time", and go have a good time she did. I guess at such a young age I didn't mind the sexual abuse because at least someone wanted me. To this day I cannot allow anyone to touch me, even anyone I know well and trust.

I live in the country now, renovating a tiny house, growing veggies and so on ... homesteading if you like, just me and my beloved dogs and cats and it's heaven. The lifetime of hurt and scars will never go away but at least I now see everything as it was/is - reality. It's my time now. I will only be totally free when she dies.

My dad got sick and died in the hospital years ago. My mother, however, went to heaven six months ago.She did not require any help to appox 6 months ago and I was glad to be here to do it. MY brother and his family and my family were around all the time anyway. The thoughts of moving out of town after my Dad died was not even in our minds. We are a close loving family. I spend the last six months going to dr visits, etc but I was happy and proud to do it. She lived about 4 miles from me and I saw her almost every day anyway. My daughter and grandson had lived with her for almost 20 years because she was kind enough to share her home. My grandson had health issues and required numerous surgeries over the years. He is now a healthy sophomore in college. Any, it is not a burden to care for a parent but a blessing to do all u can for them until GOD calls them home.

Windyridge, I'm getting the exact same thing from my Dad. There's an AL much like you describe, one of the highest rated in the state, in the town nearest me. But he insists it costs too much, he wants to delay moving there as long as possible to maximize his estate.

A friend suggested a line I'm going to try out next time he pulls the "I want to stay with my family" line-- "I understand that Dad, but it's not working, because you refuse to respect that we (his kids) have families that matter to us, even if they don't fit your idea of what we should be." (He is rude & disrespectful to my SO, and hates my single brother's 4 cats.)

Looming behind all this is that Dad's cognitive functions have deteriorated sharply in the last few months. Have an appointment for him to be evaluated at a program for memory & dementia in a couple weeks. His mother & sister both had dementia, so I'm not expecting happy answers. Just one more reason to get him settled into the very nice, very capable AL *before* we hit a(nother) crisis.

Feeling lost, from your post it sounds like you dad still has some ability to reason. If so jump on that train now if at all possible otherwise you'll end up like me and many others: Dad thinks he is 100% and can take care of anything, reality is, he doesn't remember eating 2minutes ago.

So now I can only wait him out till a huge crisis forces the issue or his mind is completely gone.

Remind Dad of the burden he is placing on your family. Maybe start a little tough love. This is the toughest part, getting folks in care. It's the one thing I lose sleep about, knowing it needs to be done but having no easy way to do it.

Windyridge, yes, he does have the ability to reason, but admits to feeling that it's slipping away. I see a lot more than that, behavior and personality changes also. He swings between acting like a spoiled 5 year old, and being despondent about his declining condition. Neither is easy to deal with!

I've already set a deadline, you will be moved into AL before the end of summer. Which is actually a reprieve, since when things here were at their worst I told him he had to move as soon as we found a place. Wish I'd stuck to that, but once things calmed down a little, I thought that waiting until we have the evaluation would improve the decision process. As it turns out, the best-choice-by-far option can handle pretty much anything (wandering and violence are the only reasons they require a resident to leave).

So if Im reading your post correctly, he is set to go into care? As to money, my folks also don't want to spend my inheritance. I said fine, we'll just stick you guys in one of those cheap and nasty poor farms so I can have your money. That got them to thinking a little.

Love it how parents won't spent money because "that's your inheritance".... fantastic, now I can plan to get the top of the line assisted living facility for myself :P

I am 56,closer now to 57.When my mother was this age she had just retired, was redecorating her house, her and daddy even traveled to Canada and Europe while she had her mother in a NH.My mom lives with me,look at my profile for living situation.She tries to "guilt" me into being more of a "chore fairy", love that term, with saying to me what all she was doing a my current age,I now can shut her up with reminding her she didn't have her VERY dependant mother living with her at 56,she was vacationing.Also my parents traveled to Hawaii, I asked my mother what she wanted me to do if anything happened to "granny" in the NH while they were gone and her immediate reply was to not call her and she would deal with "it" when she got back.Gotta love the warmth.

That's right flyer. I'm looking for one with a well stocked bar!

Windy, cheers :)

I've been trying the guilt trip myself, for a long time. And I got away with it for several years, too. Whenever I needed some help with my computer hardware, "Who sent you to computer camp in 1985? The least you can do is come over and look at my router." But you know what? He would have probably helped me even if I didn't play the computer camp card. :)

It isn't so much the emotional blackmail, it's the wholly illogical comparison that annoys the heck out of me. Babies do not arrive in the world with an income and assets of their own, or having had seventy years' warning that they would need to arrange care of some sort.

Though I did especially like the unusual 'new baby' greetings card I got from my mother's boss when my son was born - he addressed a letter to the baby to 'congratulate you on your safe arrival and discriminating choice of grandmother.'

My MIL latest comment is how close we've become since they moved to our state from 3000 miles away. That it has made their relationship with sons even better as parents. I told my husband that standing in ER doesn't make me a doctor. Sorry just gritting my teeth.

I getting to the point of wondering if I'm going to outlive these guys! They're mid eighties, I'm sixty. The old folks on both sides lived FOREVER, usually spending the last twenty years or so totally senile. My parents have always had a healthy lifestyle, little meat, no smoking, no drinking, clean air, country living, and not obese. I wish as good say as much about my life! (Well, I'm not obese....Yet..)

Jeez.....I wish I could say as much about my lifestyle ......

windy, I wonder the same thing. I've watched myself turn from 57 to 63 and did live to bury my father. But my mother is like the Energizer bunny on a low-voltage battery. Each day is like her last on earth, but it has been that way for 10+ years now. And I can't help but feel selfish -- like if I live through this, what is going to be left for me when it is all over? I try to look away from the reality of it, but realize that taking care of my mother has taken away the quality of my own life, and as time wears on, the idea that I can ever regain any quality seems more remote. It is a very depressing problem that I have no easy answers to. I know I should be able to rebuild from where I stand, starting now. But I just can't figure out how to do it. I live in a community where everyone around me is in their 20-30s, married with children. When I go for a walk, there is no one to talk to, just young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. The church I take my mother to is mostly wealthy married people -- nice folks, but no mental connection there. The only way I've found to be around people my own age and social group is to go to the senior center.

I remind myself of the song, I'm an Old Hippie.

I'm 44. Hardly anybody my age has "elderly" parents - yet! It's coming people!

My mother's mom lived into her 90s. Mom's oldest sister is going to do the same. I honestly can't tell where my mom is headed or what the roadmap is. Nobody can know.

That is so true, sandwich. Many women are having kids in their 30-40s now. Elderly parents are going to be a middle-age concern for people in the near future.

Like sandwich, I'm in my 40's (48 actually), with my mother now almost 85. It's not nearly that usual now for parents to start their families in their mid-late 30's, and even 40's. But (sounding geezer-ish now) back in the 60's-70's, my parents were mistaken for my grandparents quite a bit.
In some ways, I feel like the age I am now is pretty ideal for dealing w/my mother's issues. I'm not a kid, a newly married spouse, or young parent -- and (knock wood!) I'm still pretty "young feeling."

There should be a rule that if you are a senior yourself, you cannot take care of senior parents !! Honestly, I am too old for this. I find myself napping during the day, some days doze off while reading Aging Care as my home office chair is so comfortable :P

My parents still try to guilt me into helping them with their yard work... until I tell them that *I* have been hiring a landscaper to take care of my own yard.... and no, that doesn't mean I now have more time to help them with their yard... it means I can't physically do that type of work like I use to. How I wish I could spend all day out pulling weeds, mulching, planting flowers, like I use to. That wheelbarrow has left the building.

Windy, Dad is still fighting the idea of AL. Even as he admits he's miserable here, and occasionally acknowledges that he's made my life more difficult.

FF, he actually pulled that line on me!! That brother and I will need professional care when we're old because neither of us has kids, so "we" should be conserving his estate now by not spending money on AL for him. Of course "we" means me doing all the work, brother is not expected to contribute only benefit.

Another 40-something here. At what's supposed to be my "peak earning" years, having finally gotten myself well established, only to see much of it blown away in the last year because of parent crises. Not sorry I took the time last summer to intervene for my mom, but finding it nearly impossible to rebuild now while dealing with Dad's issues.

I'm one of six kids now 53-65 of age. We happily took care of our own parents working together till the end of their lives, never having to put them into skilled nursing care, however we are are all so close, and each fulfilled a specific role in their care, so that one didn't have more burdens than the next, or at least as fair as it could possibly be done. We all also really enjoyed them before the big decline in each of their health began, taking turns vacationing, as well as downsizing them from family home, to apt, to sisters M-IN-LAW attached apt. They were such incredible parents. They saw us into the world, and all together we saw each one out of this world, and for that I am so proud of each and every one of us!

Se above comment.... Now on to my husbands parent situation. He is one of 3 kids, and came from a incredibly dysfunctional family full of secrets lies and favoritism. His Father ruled with a leather belt, and understandably the siblings aren't close to each other and the othe two kids split as soon as possible. My husband, the baby, (now 59 ) is the only one who remained a constant, and we as a couple, remained close despite the dysfunction, I slowly learned of over 36 years of marriage. I as his wife, who hailed from a healthy family dynamic, made sur they always were included in all aspects of their grandkids lives, unlike the others, we included them in holidays and vacations, and did, despite old hard feelings on my husband's part, enjoy a good adult relationship. Unfortunately as mymy husbands Mothers health declined w/COPD, my FIL would often broach the subject of "if something happens to Mother, can I come to live with you guy's" and wabd after seeing how things worked wirh my own parents, , I can see why. Well my husband's Mom did pass, we in fact lost three parents in 14 mo., and FIL moved in with us 11 years ago this mo. The mental mind games this man plays is unbelievable! It drives my husband crazy, and I am always stuck in the middle. The gilt trips, the dangling carrots, the multiple Will changes al add up to big time regret on our part. Every situation is different ad there is no right way I think it all comes back to the environment in which you were raised, as he alienated his other 2 kids, yet revels in hearing tidbits of their screwed up lives. Yet he claimes no responsibility as to why they are messed up. Gilt? If he left tomorrow one way or another, I would have No Guilt, as we have given up to him the best 11 years of our lives.

Wow! Where did all these 40 something's come from? I know I sound like a broken record ( those round things that would spin and emit music) but all you young folks get those wills, POA s , etc done now! I just got in under the wire with my folks. Now it would be impossible.

Stacey, what interesting comparison between your family and your husbands. This discussion started as how can sibs be so different. Now you've raised the question of how can some families be emotionally healthy and others so dysfunctional. Not to mention, how did people end up well adjusted with abusive jerks for parents. I don't know how you have put up with the FIL for 11 years. Good lord.....