Needing to vent: Our parents are like children.

Brenda
I am so glad you were able to find out what was wrong with your Mom-good for you for seeking out the problem-I'm sure she is greatful to you-she should be.After the producure is done things should be easier a bit for you as she should be more independent and be able to enjoy lile more and hopefully you will get some much needed space for YOU- that would be great. Keep us all posted I will pray for you that everything goes well-my church is big on praying and it is amazing how often our prayers are answered- I get a lot of strength from my church family.

Hello Friends!
Welcome to our new members! You will truly find caring hearts to listen and give advice. I know that I have! Austin, I'm so glad you had a good vacation. It's amazing how much just 3 days away will help! Rovie - You go girl! Enjoy every minute of the wedding and embrace a new career!

A quick update on my situation - After 5 eighteen hour days at the hospital, it looks like my mother does have normal pressure hydrocephelus. One of the parts of the test involves pulling off 30cc's of spinal fluid. If the patient's gait and balance improves, that is an initial marker of the condition. My mother's improvement has been pretty remarkable. On Monday (before the procedure) she could not stand alone, walk any distance and if she tried to back up, she fell over backwards. Today, she went to the bathroom by herself and walked all the way down the hall at the hospital with me just walking next to her. If the cisternogram confirms the condition, she will see a neurosurgeon and have a shunt placed in her brain to drain the fluid. While the procedure is brain surgery, the condition left untreated will cause severe dementia and eventuall she would be unable to walk or stand. She agrees that she would rather risk the surgery than face the results of the condition. We'll see.

FYI- for all caregivers- Normal pressure hydrocephelus affects many elderly people, but is often not diagnosed! The symptoms include dementia, gait and balance problems and urinary incontinence. The only way to diagnose is with a cisternogram. If your patient has the symptoms it might be worth a trip to a neurologist.

Blessing to you all,
Brendalou

It truly helps to share the load. We can't fix each other's problems, but knowing that there are people who understand what we are doing - the rewards, the sorrow and the exhaustion - does help. Please keep coming back, Denise. You'll find company here.
Carol

Your story makes me cry, but we cannot give up on our elderly, or give them less than our best. I admire your strength.

It is soo comforting to find other people in similar situations.

Hello...I am newbie in many ways...to this site and to this role. I have both my parents. I made an emotional decision 2 yrs ago and we now all reside together. My Father is 83 with Parkinson's and Dementia and Mother is 81 with heart, high blood pressure and severe ostero. I am single and by default...I became the one.
I find comfort in what I have read and it does help. PEACE

Roxie
Just got back last night from my mini vac. Way to go girlfriend- I am so proud of you-your note of 3 days ago warmed my heart, have to run I'll write more later have to go see my husband in the nursing home if he gives me grief it will be a short visit,

Sitting with people at hospitals and even during the never-ending doctor visits is emotionally and physically draining, Brendalou. I hope you are getting some rest.

Carol

Hello Friends,
Just a quick update! I had a great day in Dallas! My cousin from Missouri came to visit for a few days. I went with her my best friend and niece for a day of shopping . Didn't buy much, but it was good to get away. My mom went into the hosp. yesterday early moring. She was supposed to have the spinal tap procedure, but no one (including the anestheologist) could start an IV or draw lab, so they ended up putting in a PIC line and postponing the test until today. They did the cisternogram today. It is like a spinal tap but they inset a radioactive isotope into her spinal fluid and scn her every day for 3 days to watch the progress of the isotope. They also drew off 30 ccs of spinal fluid. Supposedly if her gait is better after the procedure , it is an indicator of normal pressure hydrocephelous. She tolerated the procedure well, but had to lie flat until 7:00 tonight. I just know I have spent 2 - 16 hours days at the hosp. and I'm pooped! Hope all is well with you all. Take care!
BRenda

Dear Friends,
Have fun on your few days of vacation with friends. Drive or fly safely and laugh until you cry. Have fun, just relax.
You ladies have done so much for me. I am a different person (for the good) since I have met all of you. I realize I am not alone in this world of caregiving.
I am once again doing things I enjoy.
I am starting to enjoy the idea of a wedding in the near future. I no longer look at it as something else I have to do. I have bought my dress. It is so nice and if I may say it looks good on me.:) I am looking forward to the wedding day in Gatlinburg TN. It will be a long drive but hey Mom will be fine and we will get to enjoy something together. It will be memories that I will always have. (good or bad days) it will be with my mom.
I start school next week to start on a new career for me not anyone else. I am going to be a medical billing person. I am going to enjoy being with other people besides being a caregiver. Hopefully there is a job out there for an old lady if she does good in school. :) If not I did this for me!
I believe it is time for me. I have raised two children I was a stay at home mom. Did everything for them went to every practice, every game, every recital, every sport event there was (they were involved in everything). I was home when they needed me and when they did not.
Therefore I guess I am saying I have decided I may be a caregiver to my mother, but it also time for me. There will be days, weeks, and maybe months that I will struggle to care for my mother emotionally, mentally, and physically but at this point I am looking out for me also.
This is all because I have found you guys or ladies. You are truely great friends. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. And I hope the Lord will bless you many times over You deserve every blessing you receive.
Thank you for getting this caregiver back on track to enjoy life once again.
Bless you all!!!
Roxie

Do you know how many of us have RA and other auto-immune diseases? The numbrs are very significant. I know how we neglect ourselves. I got so sick of doctor's offices, I didn't do my checkups. I know of a woman who could have caught breast cancer soon, but for the same reason. She wasn't having her checkups. Caregivers need to take care of themselves. We say it - that's easy. Doing it? Sometimes very hard. But it's an important lesson to learn. And this site is one way of doing it.
Carol

Thank you Brenda, your support helps so much.I am up at 3am with R.A. pain right now and I wanted to get a good nights rest befor I leave for my trip but after reading your note I feel better. I guess I will make an appointment to see A doc for my R.A. but am so tired of seeing docs for my husband and try to avoid them at all cost. Have a great trip and enjoy visiting your friends. Isn't it great that GOD blesses us with people who care for us when we need it so much. I am so excited about my mini vac. my friend called to see if I was packed- I think she still can't believe I am really comming up I had talked about it so much but always backed down, I haven't seen her in 45 yrs and the other two in 48 and 50 years. All I am excited about the train ride which I have not done since college, it will be great to see the countryside. I will be thinking of you and you are in my prayers. I told her just to look for an old lady with a pink tee shirt with cats on it=its been so long since she has seen me, she has sent me pics. of her and her grandkids- she has had it hard through-out her life. Take care friend- talk to you soon.

Oh friends, if only you know how much your support helps. I am actually going to Dallas tomorrow for a day of fu. with my friends! Then on Tuesday we will enter mymom into the hospital for the 4 day test. I guess our next move will depend on the results. I'll keep you posted'
Austin, I'm so sorry that your husband is so mean to you. Hang in there.

Love you all!
Brenda

Brenda
You certainly not abanding your Mon you have done more than most people and maybe after a stay in a nursing home and good P.T. she will be able to come home if not they will be able to tell you this. No one chooses a N.H. but there comes a time that we can no longer take care of them at home, and if she needs to be placed you will still be very involved and maybe can bring her home for a few hrs. from time to time or take her out for a meal or visit a park or something else you are a very caring women and we your understanding friends know what you have been through.
I'm having a bad day -because of my husbands treatment on the phone--he is still in rehab- I have not been over to see him in a few days and I'm getting ready to go away for 3 days -I do all the yard work and have flower and veggie gardens and starting to get rid of clutter and move extra furniture into our new shed and have volunteer activities and have been very busy I since he acts like a child I've been very busy now he has to wait for our son to go see him when he gets a chance-I will not reward his bad behavior any more- he is bipolor and had many health problems but he has lost most of his friends due to only talking about his heath I and are son are all he has and he still is not nice to us most of the time- sorry I just need to vent- I've become strong enough to not let him spoil things for me any more like he use to do-I've cried a river over most of the 46 yrs we have been married- I worth being treated better than that.

Love,

I am so very glad that your doctor says you are okay. I know that it can seem to be the hardest thing in the world to reduce stress, but I have found that will my mother is napping, that I can put one ear phone in and one out just so that I can hear her if she needs me, but put your favorite music on. I know that I look crazy as a 45 year old woman, but I put things on that I have not hear in years, like the "Bird" or that new girl that sings "I Have A Pocet Full Of Sunshine". I find myself dancing in front of the computer. My daughter gets so imbarest. Oh well, it lifts my spirt if for only a moment. We all need those moments!!!!

One day at a time. You will make this, and be oh so much stronger for it. Because if we can handle the things we are going through now, nothing else could ever do us in.

Love and prayers,
Susan

Hey Brendalou,
Glad the doctor say you are ok. Reduce Stress YEA! Easier said than done. I hope you enjoy your company this weekend. I agree your brother should be in on the decision of the SNF. I will be thinking about you.

Yeah - reduce your stress. Isn't that the funniest thing doctors say? They are right of course, but it's not that easy.

However, I'm glad you are okay, and yes, you are working on your stress by working on your mother's situation and care. And your brother needs to be there with you!

Hang in and keep coming back.
Carol

To Brendalou
I am so glad you went to get checked out, I was worried about you. Good luck with the decesions you and your brother have to make about your Mom. Please keep in touch with us all.

I am so overwhelmed by the outpouring of support from the wonderful people in this group! I know that there are hard decisions to make, and I am trying to get advice from some experts. Today my mother added a serious hand tremor to her problems. It seems that things are progressing quickly. I am waiting to hear from her internist. He usually has the best insight into her condition. My brother told me it was a good idea to put her in a SNF unit and I should go ahead and do it after she finishes the test. Coincidently, he will be out of town! There is no way I will do that without him here. We are both going to make the decision and the placement.

I did recently have my physical. Everything was fine; the doctor just said to reduce my stress (lol). I have out of town company coming tomorrow, so I will just ride this out for a few days. We'll see. Again, than you all for your love and support. I hope that I can repay this kindness when you need it, too.
Brenda

Brenda, this is the one with the back that cannot lift over 10 pounds. With Medicare they have been sending a case worker, then a nurse, and two kinds of theropy workers. You don't have to do this alone. If you over do your self, who will she have?

You have to care for yourself also!!! It is hard to think about helping yourself once you get in the routine of caring for someone else, but YOU HAVE TO DO IT!

Love ya,
Susan

DEAR BL IF YOUR CAR BROKE YOU WOULD TAKE IT TO A MECHINIC BECAUSE THEY KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH CARS , IF YOU HAD A PLUMBING ISSUE YOU WOULD CALL A PLUMBER RIGHT BECASUE THEY KHOW HOW TO DO PLUMBING NOBODY WOULD SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THAT JUST AS IF YOUR MOTHER NEEDS HELP WITH ISSUES THAT WE ARE NOT ABLE TO HANDLE THEN YOU SHOULD GET HER THE HELP THAT SHE NEEDS NO GUILT INVOLVED. YOU MAY THINK PEOPLE WOULD SAY BAD THINGS ABOUT PUTTING MOTHER IN A NURSONG HOME BUT IN TRUTH THEY MAY SAY WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG YOU HAVE GONE ABOVE AND BEYOND , WE ALWAYS THINK NEGATIVE THOUGHT, WE MUST TRY HARD TO THINK POSITIVE YES. HOPE THIS HELP YOU AND ALL THE LADYS AND GUYS. WE MUST HEAR THE POSITIVE VOICES NOT JUST THE NEGATIVE . HAVE A GREAT DAY MIA

Brendalou, Please see a physician about your chest pains! You need rest. By putting your mother in a nursing home for short term is not abandoning her. It is just giving you a break so you can be a better caregiver to her. If you are not in top shape you will not be able to take good care of your mother. So take this time to rest and see a physician about yourself. Do not feel guilty Pleaseeee.
Right now you do not need to care about what others say. You need to take care of yourself.
The others are not in your shoes honey or your mothers. When they are there they have the right to say something. At this time they do not. So listen to your body and take time for yourself.

Brendalou, you are not abandoning her, no matter what others think and say. They are not doing what you are doing, and they don't have a clue about any of it. You are doing the best for your mother, if you get her into 24 hour care. You will still be her caregiver - you'll just finally have help!

I agree so much with what you said about animals and quality of life. We won't let an animal suffer the way many humans do. Your mom will be more comfortable with many caregivers and people to help.

And you need to get a checkup and see if you need medication. Likely, stress is the root of your problems, but you many need medical help, too. Just think of how your mom would feel if you were the one go not wake up?

Please get checked out physically, and mentally if necessary. And get your mom into a care situation where you can still check on her and be her advocate, but you won't have the stress of super-human duty.

Carol

Hey Brendalou -
I am really concerned about you.....is it possible for you to see a doctor & have a FULL checkup? Regardless of what your brother / rels think, if you are in distress they are going to have to pitch in while you get better. If you have chest pains, please don't wait - go to the ER. Better safe than sorry.

take care & be well

Thank you all for your kind words and support! What a hard job we all have. I have decided to call her primary care dr tomorrow and ask him to admit her to the hospital. During her last fall she hurt her ankle (maybe fractured it) and can put no weight on it. It will be best for her to be in the hospital to check that and to have the 4 day test run. While she is there I will be looking at the skilled nursing facilities locally. Then depending on the test results, I guss we will look at short term placement to try and get her back on her feet (literally) and for me to try and regain my sanity. I absolutely hate doing that but I am afraid that I will end up in the hospital with a heart attack (chest pains tonight) or a nervous breakdown if I don't. I feel like people with think I am abandoning her, but I just don't know what else to do. I have to go back to work next week and her caregivers simply can't physically handle her. You know there is so much to be said about going to bed one night and never waking up. I think all of the modern medical advances just keeps people alive with no quality of life. My dog has better quality of life than my mother, and if the dog was suffering with no hope I could have her put to sleep. We wouldn't let an animal suffer the way many humans do. What does that say about our society? Again, thank you all for being there. I don't know what I would do without this group.

Hey Brenda, I'm so sorry to hear what is happening with your mother. It is so hard on you, Its a shame what we have to go through with other family members (your brother, my nieces and nephew). All we want is just a little help and they act like they have just worked themselves to death just doing the least little thing. If they could just put theirself in our shoes for just one week they might understand. I sure hope that your back feels better soon. I wish I had some great wisdom to give to you but I don't so I will just be here to listen. Sometimes that helps more than anything else. Maybe the test that they are running will come up with the cause of her falling.
Anyway, we are all here for you.
bwthrs

Brendalou, I am so sorry you had such a rough day. :( Do you have a belt like miak mentioned? I have one for my mother, but so far we have not needed it. She is ony 80 pounds and lifting her is not easy at all when she falls.
I am sorry your brother will not be able to help in the next few weeks when the time is the roughest for you. It seems that when things start going bad it like the saying "When it rains it pours".
I hope the new doc can figure out your mother's problems and give you help.
I sure hope your back gets better. If you are like me you can not afford to be sick one day. You will probably need to see a doctor to make sure everythng is ok with you and maybe get some physical therapy for your back. You have to make sure you are strong not only physically but mentally also. My prayers are with you.
Do you have transportation nearby that will come to your home that has wheelchair access? They could transport you and your mother to the hospital instead of you trying to lift her in and out of the car. This way you lift her only to the wheelchair.
Let us know how everything goes.
Do you have neighbors that can help? I do not they are all seniors theirselves in fact I watch and make sure they do not fall outside.

Brendalou, what a rough day you have had! Your brother sounds like he is oversimplifying the whole situation perhaps because he feels he has nothing to give? Being a caregiver has reinforced for me that if I am a caregiver, I better not have any expectations in terms of what others ought to or should be doing to be supportive. Once last year and once this year so far, I have pulled my back. I suspect that I have done so trying to help Mom get out of our sofa. If your Mom's repeated falls start to pose a direct threat to her safety, you may need to explore additional caregiving resources to help her and you as well. I, personally dread such a day and I sure hope your Mom's doctor will be able to find and pursue successful treatment options. Please let me know how your Mom is doing. It is very frustrating, and you are not alone. Hope your back sprain heals soon. Be careful of reinjury!

brenda sorry to hear about your mother, do you have one of those belts you can put around her waist? like they use in the nursing homes. it gives you something to hold on to if not maybe try another kinda belt,you can get them at a home health care store. it may help. we all need a shoulder sometimes or maybe just a good cry that helps too.the best thing though is to laugh at the situtation if you can i have to pick up my dad sometimes if some one was looking in the window they would laugh, im 4 10 and he is 6 2 when he could stand upright it must be a sight haha. hopefully that makes you laugh, picture him with his hands on what ever is closest and me trying to pick up his back end like a downed horse. makes me laugh just liking about it, some time i just want to leave him there on the floor, but then i remember his is a human being all be it not a very nice one. but still.I find that when i feel life suck i play the it could be" worse game" try to think of thing that could be worse. or the Id rather game, i have to keep my mind busy when i have to listen to my dad ramble on about stupid shit that makes no sence or talks like it 1960 something, drives me nuts. some times i forget which one of us is the crazy one. mia

Hello Friends,
Today I need a shoulder to cry on! It has been one of THOSE days. My mother fell three times. The last time I had to call my brother to help me pick her up. His advice was the "YOU need to put her in a nursing home." Lost of help. We saw a new neurologist today. He is testing her for normal pressure hydrocephalus. It is a four day test that requiresa spinal tap and going to the hospital every day for scans. Easier said than done:) Since I can hardly transfer her in and out of the car! Then she says I made her hurt her ankle when I was trying to lift her off the floor. I pulled something in my back and can hardly stand up. Yet I will have to lift her in and out of the wheel chair and into the bed tonight. And of course, my brother is off for a week to take care of his grandkids- leaving tomorrow. How about helping his sister with his mother? Yeah, good luck. Anyway, today life sucks. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Ha! Ha!

Cat's words "but we are all busy being invisible taking care of our loved ones" explain so much. She is obviously living proof of that.

I was doing this 25 years ago, and it was just expected that there was no help at all. When I had 7 elders depending on me, plus a son with disabilities, still no one thought I was "working." On and on and on.

It has, believe it or not, gotten better. But there is so much farther to go. Cat's advice to be pleasant is good, as most of these people are family members and some can put themselves in your position. That said, they are very busy, so you must be very proactive, and very visible. You have to choose, as Cat said, where to put your energy.

If you can get known on the political front, locally, that is awesome. I will continue my push. You all will continue yours. We will each make a difference in our own ways.
Carol