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I am sorry to hear that. I am 63 and have dealt with the family drama. I was sole caregiver for my mom 24+ years, her father, raised my sister and did it all. I totally decided to kick all my brothers and sister to the curb. Whe. Mom got sick, I had no real support. Don't miss the drama. I have a congregation of sisters and brothers who love me, encourage, helped when they could. More reliable than the biologicals. My motto for 1993 when I dismissed them was, I can love them from a distance. I hope it works out for you to reunite with your sister, if not you have to do what is best for you mentally, spiritually and emotionally.
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I'll take a blunt stab at this one.

So your "very dramatic" sister who has been doing the primary care for your 93 year old out of state mother who is known to be "passive aggressive" finally decides it's time for assisted living and reports to you the reasons why.

And your response is to check with the aid to see if your mother really does need assisted living?

As the dramatic primary care sister in our family my advice is that you ask your sister what you can do to help with the transition of your mother to assisted living.

Otherwise, down the road, when this is all over, don't be surprised when your sister finally gets HER life back if she decides you don't need to be in it anymore.

Like all the "it's her choice" people like to say-- it will be her choice then too.
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Your Sister is probably burning out.

But is also probably being a drama Queen.

OK she has a lot on her plate. But she put it there - or allowed it to be there. She is acting like YOU heaped it on her. This is incorrect.

In her story, she is the victim & she is trying make you the villan. Drama nonsense.

Keep your common sense.

Now if she has done enough, the current year has made it even harder, Mother is getting frailer etc - it's OK to change the plan! She is tallking assisted living. So with common sense you are researching the options for that. Good.

You may need an OT functional assessment to support applications. I have done this as 1. self-assessment was made up wishful thinking rubbish & 2. the family reporters upsold all abilities - more rubbish. OT & Aides took a professional view. Soften that for your sister as I did, of course she knows what goes on but that a professional assessment is required.

Her flair for drama will be an asset when being the bright visitor for Mother in Assisted Living. Hopefully then she will have room to become a sister again too. ((((Hugs))))
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Sounds like you are compassionate. She’s struggling and she feels she can be herself with you. She would never speak to a stranger like she speaks to you.

You have offered solutions. She refuses. Nothing left to do but continue to speak with the caregiver.

Your sister needs a break. All of you need harmony and peace in your lives.

Don’t listen to her if you find it is repetitive.

Best wishes to you and your family.
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Thank you all so much. I very much appreciate all of your comments.
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The idea of getting specifics from the aid is good. Now get out the LTC policy and read the section that defines ADLs carefully.

Bathing that requires substantial human physical assistance with getting in and out of tub or shower is a deficiency under our policy.

Then look at dressing and consider if Mom is skipping undergarments or stockings because she can't do them on her own. What does her policy define as a deficiency?

Do two ADL deficiencies qualify her for non Nursing home benefits?
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Your sister is burned out.
Does your mom have funds to private pay for AL? Does this facility have graduated care - from IL to AL to SNF? Your mom is 93 with health issues...I would think it's not going to be long until she will need assistance with her ADL's and then her plan should kick in to pay. If your mom needs that much help or if she is becoming a fall risk, she probably should be thinking about making the move to AL sooner rather than later.

It's hard, when you're the sibling who is the primary caregiver to an elderly, unwell parent, to not feel some form of resentment towards your siblings who, in your mind's eye, are free to come and go as they please, while you're tethered to one place. I know we all have the choice to be a caregiver or not- but when you're dealing with a slow and steady decline, when it's not sudden, it's often not a conscious progression from concerned child to full-time nursemaid. You start off just getting groceries; just making meals; just one trip to a doctor; just one load of laundry; then before you know it your LO can't be left alone for more than an hour, and you're not even 100% sure how you ended up in this position.

I'm sorry that you're relationship with your sister is becoming a victim of this quagmire we call caregiving. There really aren't any easy answers, because it's not an easy situation. But if your sister is really pushing for AL, then you might want to work with her to see if there is a solution beyond her LTC policy paying for it. I would contact the AL facility and ask who they have or recommend who can do an assessment on your mom's ADL's. You might be surprised at what the assessment says.
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You may have a great reason for not going this year, but it does make sister's  life harder.  You may be offering very legitimate help, but if mom will only have sister drive her, I can see sister's frustration.  Not certain what an answer is.
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Sorry, to hear your pain. I feel you and your sister are doing the best you can.
however, your sister is not really seeing your both helping. In the Bible it says
you reap what you sow. we also, forget were going to grow old and one day be
in the same situation. It's best you work together as a team like your doing. Everyone
needs, a break from time to time. I think mom wherever she's happy and wants to go
so be it. make sacrifices. we only have one mom and unfortunately, we all don't stick
around to long. we all have to go one day. when we have children believe they are listening
and follow what we do. Of course, we don't want our kids to mess out on there life and they
did not ask to come into this world. but it is was it is. we must love and work together do the
best we can and have love in our hearts, communicate . were all children of God. As my favorite
pastor in the world says. what would God say or think? its, all about communicating with sis, mom and everyone can be happy. we should never be selfish and worry about our own precious
time. because if we focus more on what we want we wont have it bc we didn't go all out for mom. do your best and definitely pray.
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Seems sister inherited Moms passive-aggressive personality.
If Mom is in a community, are there resources they have on the AL level that Mom can get by paying for it. My Aunt has this option. Doesn't Mom have the ability to eat in a dining room. Do they offer housekeeping even if she pays for it? A Van for rides to the doctors.

As I said in another post, maybe Mom doesn't need as many doctors visits. Once they are stable on a med and numbers are good, patients don't need as many visits. Sometimes labs can be done in between visits. If OK, they should not need an appt. If not, maybe a visit but sometimes its just a matter of adjusting meds.

I really don't think you r going to make ur sister happy. Really, doing Moms finances and making calls is a BIG thing to me. I did it ALL with no help. You can't help that COVID happened. Next time she gets going is tell her, I have made suggestions. You turn them down at every turn. I am willing to pay. I don't know what more I can do but move there and that is not an option. Your sister needs to realize, this is her life right now. And its up to her to set boundries and to figure out what she will or will not do. And what she won't do, find a resource to do it. I think you have tried. I really don't know what more you can do. Some people are never satisfied.
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I’m sorry for the strife, it’s not at all uncommon when trying to balance care for a parent. Invariably a sibling feels resentful that they are doing “more” I’ve been there myself. What’s missing here is that your sister isn’t taking responsibility that what she does or doesn’t do for your mother is her choice. She’s an adult and free to choose her level of involvement and caregiving. She shouldn’t be doing anything that causes her this level of resentment and then blaming it on you. If mom needs care that she doesn’t want to provide, she’s not obligated, other arrangements can be made. I’d let her know this and stop listening to the nasty comments. Always be receptive to working with her and finding a way to help, but rude talk helps nothing
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