My brother died yesterday on February 13, 2024.

Deepest condolences, Scampie1. I am so sorry for your loss and the family troubles surrounding it. I did not attend my father's or my mother's funerals b/c of family dysfunction. Do what works for you. ((((hugs))))

I thank everyone who has commented on this discussion and all the support. I spoke with his wife this morning and she is meeting with the funeral home later today to discuss plans.

I have toxic nieces (my sister's kids) who I need to avoid. A couple of them are alcoholics and one in particular would not hesitate to make a scene. I spoke with my brother (there are three of us left out of five siblings) earlier today and he was getting off on a tirade about something my brother (deceased) did a long time ago. I told my brother that I didn't believe any of it and that my brother was not here any longer. My brother had become a devout Christian and had repented for his sins. It was not my brother's place to spread something that sounded more like a rumor without an ounce of truth to it.

I am thinking about asking for a private viewing or getting there early to whatever sanctuary his family decides to send him to. I'm not much on dealing with drunks.

My brother's spirit is with God at this point. He is no longer with us. Funerals are for the living. After my father's funeral in 2014, I made the mistake and allowed this one niece in my home who got extremely intoxicated and caused a big ruckus. After that incident, I have been turned off to funerals with certain family members in attendance and attending them ever again.

I resolved that I can be supportive at a distance if need be. My family can be overly dramatic with a lot of screaming and hollering. My deceased loved one's ex-wife is a terrible person. We haven't spoken since the beginning of the pandemic.

I am so sorry for your loss, Scampie. Writing the letter is a nice idea, but if that is too much just sending a note or card is enough. Do what feels right and best for YOU. ((((Hugs))))

So sorry for your loss and the surrounding circumstances .
I like the idea below of writing a tribute letter . Go with your gut about if face to face would be comfortable . If not , you can still mail the letter .
I personally don’t have to attend a funeral . But everyone grieves their own way .

So sorry this happened....and I don't get along with my sibs and dread these heartbreaking situations. Once I saw your brother was there for you 7 years ago...I can imagine the daze and emotional shock. So here goes....

I would write a one page tribute, to tell everyone what you liked about your brother, some memories, why you admired him. How he came to your rescue in your darkest hour 7 years ago. I'd have that ready, just in case...with some copies.

If you attend the service (which you would regret if you didn't), bring your tribute to read if given the opportunity, or give certain people copies, as part of your family history. You are there in your brother's honor. Simple as that.

Trust your instincts on the family contact. I would dread it myself.
What would your brother tell you? What would please him?

Scampie
I am sorry to hear of your brothers death. Being with family brings comfort to you all. I’m sorry you didn’t get to visit before he passed. Wishing you sweet memories.

Scampi,

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost two of my brothers. It’s hard to lose a sibling.

Do what is best for you regarding how to notify his family and attending the funeral.

I don’t feel like you have to attend the funeral to process your grief. Trust your instincts.

I have heard stories from a funeral director that I know about family conflicts. It isn’t pleasant when nasty arguments occur in the funeral home.

Wishing you peace as you grieve for your brother.

I am so sorry for your loss

I’m sorry for your loss. I’d encourage you to attend the funeral. You can always leave at any time things start to take any kind of awkward or unpleasant turn, but you can’t make up for not going and always wondering if you should have. I wish you healing and peace

I am so sorry for your loss, Scampie.

Scampie, I hope that you can find the courage (although I'm not sure that is the right word) to go to the funeral. I think if you don't go, you will have regrets. Maybe you could attend with the person you planned to visit him with last week.

The dynamics of his family are similar to those of my late father. My father had remarried after my mother died and so there was a stepmother and his bio kids involved. My brother's first wife is still alive and we haven't been on speaking terms for some years. He has his bio children by his first wife. It was my other sibling (brother) who contacted me about my brother's death yesterday. I am the sister who is left out of the loop the majority of the time. So, I really don't know how to proceed. I spoke to his wife last week since a coworker of my brother and I were planning to visit my brother this coming Thursday. I didn't know the actual status of my brother's condition was at that time, and his wife didn't mention him being so close to death when we spoke. I assumed that his condition was stable for the time being. As I learned from past experience is that someone could seem alright one minute and their health can take a turn for the worst the next as in my husband's condition seven years ago.

A card would be the best for both parties for now. I don't know if I want to attend the funeral or not because of family conflict that was not resolved. For the first time in my life I really don't know what to do.

So sorry about your loss. Its hard when communication is cut off and something like this happens.

I like the ideas below about writing a heartfelt letter sharing all the good things you remeber about your brother. I think the family would love that as a way to hear stories about his youth and childhood they may not know.

Thanks to all who have commented. I appreciate everything said here.

I'm sorry for this very painful loss. I agree that you should write a letter or email with as many loving memories you had with him, and extolling all his virtues. Then, have no expectations about getting a response from anyone else. May you receive peace in your heart as you mourn.

Maybe put this in a letter. They will be glad to have your memories written out. I'm sorry for your loss.

AlvaDeer, thank you so much for your kindness. I will take what you've said here in good faith.

I have good memories of him riding me around on his bike, taking me Christmas shopping and teaching me how to drive. That one was a doozy. Teaching your teenage sister how to drive.

Contact his family basically telling them all the good memories you just told us.
I am sorry for your loss, and even more sorry for the loss in communication this last time. That makes this so much more difficult.
Tell his family your good memories. Remember them yourself.