It's been a hard week....

I apologies for my mistake... Think I confused this thread with another one...
Paul I especially beg your pardon. Is there a way to move my posts into a new thread? I will start one

Anche,

I second what Llama says. Please let us know how you are doing. We care!

Anche: You're very welcome. Please hang in there and come back here to talk like you've been doing. No one person can go it alone.💚

Anche and Chriscat haven’t read the full statement underneath ‘it’s been a hard week’, and don’t realise that this is a very long thread following Paul Foel’s ongoing saga with his father. It’s not just about anyone who has had a hard week.

It would probably be best if Anche and Chriscat could start a new discussion or ask a new question, about their own issues. Otherwise this thread is going to fold. Is that what Paul wants? Or any of the regulars? I've developed a real interest in south Wales over time, I'm a bit sad if the thread just snaps off! NHWM, perhaps not so helpful to reply to them, it just confuses things.

Anche and Chriscat, your issues are important and you will get a lot of feedback on a thread you start yourselves. You are very welcome as new posters on the site, it isn't at all exclusive, and it is often very helpful to the original posters and to all the other people with similar issues. Please let us hear from you again on a new thread! Best wishes.

Dear Chruscat83, thank you for your message. I have been feeling better today. A friend came to visit and we went out for a short walk. My husband was at home so my mom was not alone.
Mom doesn't complain, I know she is sorry I have to look after her. It is just hard to do everything and it is even worse from an emotional point of view: I am afraid I could hurt her, it is hard to see her shrinking and so dependent on me, it is a heavy burden to feel responsible for her health for such a long time. A friend of mine, a nurse, told me my mom would have died a long time ago if not for my good cares. Now I am just scared not being able to go on like that with this heavy mental burden.

Anche, I've just caught up with this thread, and, like others here, I am concerned that you are feeling so low. I think you will find help and support from your therapist. It is really hard work to accept what they say to you, and to act on the advice they give you, but in my experience, the more you can put into this process, the more you will get out of it. Also don't underestimate the effect that the Covid pandemic experience has had on the mental health of all of us over the past year - and another lockdown on the horizon will certainly cause you anxiety. To put that into context, my low point came in early January as the UK went into its third lockdown. I look back at what I wrote in my diary then and I can see I was very anxious, stressed and not able to really function properly. This Forum really helped me then, so I hope it can support you now. We are all here to reach out and help others when they need it most.

Llamalover, thank you for your answer. I have an appointment with my therapist on Thursday... Hope it will be possible for me to go there...
I sometimes feel so tired I wished it was all over. But I desperately want to live my life... I am just afraid it will never be possible. I think this will only end when I die... But I have my husband and my son who give me a reason to live.

Anche: If you're having those kind of thoughts, please seek help immediately. I am quite concerned about you.

Paul: How are you doing today?

Anche,

The dog on my avatar is my grandpuppy!

Thanks for the complement. I think he’s beautiful too.

I haven’t met him yet. My daughter moved to Colorado and we haven’t had the opportunity to visit her yet.

He loves the snow and is quite playful.

She rescued him from a shelter at 11 months old.

I understand your emotions regarding caregiving. I felt the same way as you do.

I went to therapy and spoke to my parish priest also.

It’s hard to see our circumstances objectively when we are in the middle of them. It’s only after we are able to step away that we can see it more clearly.

It truly is a mixed bag of emotions. It takes time to sort matters out.

I hope with all my heart that you will be able to hire help soon. Best wishes to you and your family.

Thank you needhelpwithmum! I could get some sleep this afternoon and feeling a little bit better.
There might be a new hard lockdown in Italy: I hope I will still be able to find someone to help me.
My husband tells me exactly what you wrote...
According to my therapist I probably have too high a standard for myself. Or maybe as a friar once told when you love someone you think you could do more, when you don't you think you are doing too much. But now, I know I love her but that is too much for me to bear on my shoulders.
I love your avatar! Is he/she your dog?

Anche,

Please don’t apologize for crying.

I couldn’t even tell you how many tears I shed during my caregiving days. I know that I cried a river of tears.

It’s impossible not to cry during heartbreaking situations.

I am very glad that you have support from your husband and son. That does help some.

I certainly hope things improve soon. Don’t ever hesitate to reach out for help when you need it most.

Always remember that you are a human being, a wonderful human being, but we all have limitations and need help. No one can do it all.

So, as people told me in the past, I will now tell you, “You are doing your best. Don’t ever feel as if you failed.”

You have done everything humanely possible to keep everything running as smoothly as possible.

Take care.

Mum fell and broke a pelvis bone last Friday. She must stay in bed for 1 month. For this week I did everything on my own, my cousin who works in a hospital came to help me washing her in bed. I have also been working at home...
I had a break down yesterday. Think my life has no sense. I have been taking care for my elderly mom for 11 years now. But she could go to the toilet and eat... I don't think I can go on like that. I am looking for help.
Thank God I have a wonderful husband and a great son. Otherwise I guess... Well having suicidal thoughts.
Sorry for coming here only to cry...

🔮
Looking into the crystal ball....

I see Paul's brother... I see him getting frustrated at being 'on call' for Dad. I see him having a rant. Then as Mission Creep takes over, I see him completely blowing his top as he realises he is not Dad's helper but a paid servant. He says Sod You & Keep your bleedin' money! Storms out.

Then calmly reflects he needs to install some boundaries like Paul has. That he treated Paul & his wife unfairly for trying to schedule their time or force Dad's care on them. That he was wrong... Sorry, that last part may be in a fantasy parralell universe...

But I reckon the blow up will happen. How long away will depend on how much he needs that money. When it happens - expect he really tries to dump Dad on Paul. He will assume like before, what he doesn't want to do, Paul must do instead. But this is very faulty thinking. It's rediculus & should be laughed at.

As I did when sister said SHE can't do bathroom assist therefore I HAD to. 😅 Nope.

Last time I checked, other people's thoughts were not in control of my thinking.

Dear Paul, it’s great to see you sorting out how to manage your father and brother, in a way you can live with.

I’ve been reading your life since you started years ago now, saying that you had the greatest dad in the world and you couldn’t understand that you were getting upset with him. I wonder if you could look back to work out why you grew up thinking he was so great, why you let yourself get the runaround for so long, how you realised that he was the problem not you, and how you have managed to change things for the better. Even whether this site has helped, as well as what other things have helped or could help.

We have many many posters who are dominated by a parent and find it hard to change things. If you have the time to think through your own long journey, it would certainly be interesting, but might also be very useful for others with these problems (and for posters like me who would like to help them). Something to think about next time you have to do the dreadful drive?

Best wishes, Margaret

Paul,

You certainly know your dad’s personality. It’s true, they want what they want and that is that.

It’s hard to accept their attitude. I am glad that you put your wife first. That’s how it should be.

We had issues with my FIL later in his life and my husband got fed up with his dad too.

I wouldn’t bend over backwards to please your dad.

Do only what you feel is acceptable. The rest you can leave behind. If he’s not happy about it, so be it.

He’s a grown man. We expect children to adjust to not getting their way all the time.

We teach our children that the world doesn’t revolve around them. They eventually learn life’s lessons.

Our kids learn that decisions are made according to what is best for the entire family.

Your dad needs to learn that lesson. The entire world does not revolve around him. Your family matters equally to your dad.

He can make compromises, such as allowing you to order his groceries to be shipped.

My youngest daughter moved several states away.

I miss her but I wouldn’t dream of making her feel guilty that we won’t be able to see her as often as when she lived closer to us.

Your dad is the king of trying to make you feel guilty. There is no reason for you to feel guilty.

You have been very good to him. He should show appreciation for what you have done and not expect so much from you now.

Once again, gotten behind in following along! Catch up time!

NeedHelpWithMom says:

"What do you think? If he complains, so what! He complains anyway so what is the difference?

My husband told me, “Your mom is going to complain no matter what you do or don’t do. So don’t do it.” He was right."

Exactly. Damned if you do, damned if you don't, so just don't! If I'm going to be damned either way, I'll do it MY WAYYYYYY!!!

paulfoel123:

"CM - What can I do? Its his money at the end of the day....
He obviously thinks its worth the money to "buy" service...."

Oh that's rich! As Countrymouse says:
"The man who has resented and resisted paying for any service of any description for any reason for years and years and years - as you have frequently told us - suddenly decides it's worth every penny."

It's worth every penny because there is CONTROL involved. Other payments/service, they are what they are - you get no control whether you pay or not (in his head anyway! sometimes it DOES pay to be generous to someone, non-family, who helps...)

paulfoel123:

"If you don;t do this exactly then you fail the test.

Of course, brother has been passing the test. I've refused to break the law so haven't."

Don't show up for the test. That "failure" isn't going to change anything for better or worse... Actually, a pass on the test WOULD make it worse, because then you are on the hamster wheel again! Stay off the wheel.

paulfoel123:

"It'd probably be cheaper to pay for food delivery to be honest."

Of course it would, but again, he has NO control over them.

"...he expected me to travel 3 hours to collect him from hospital rather than pay £10 for a taxi. At the time, he said "oh I'll pay whatever money you lost from missing work"."
...
"A lot of it with him is control. He likes to be in control."

Yup, you see it. You also noted you wouldn't likely get the full amount lost from work - if you asked for that amount, he'd go into full blown complaint cycle about how unfair it is for you to get paid that much for sitting on your bum!!!

As always, NO is a complete sentence. If it leads to a "sentence" for you being outcast, all the better. IF you are in a generous mood and want to go visit or do some chore to help out ON YOUR TERMS, not his, then by all means, go. On your terms means if you give him a day/time that you will be stopping in, do NOT let him dictate or insist on a change in the day/time. This is the day/time I'm available. Take it or leave it! No? Okay then, I won't come then, I'll be in touch later when I have another free day, Ta Ta!

Paul: I say again that your dad is lucky to have you as his son.💜

Neddhelp - I still get very frustrated yes..... its something to work on.

I do not know do what he wants so my family dont suffer. This is 1000% better.....

I honestly think I would be divorced by now if I hadnt stopped it. Dad wouldnt care.
I remember years ago me trying to tell him I couldnt do something for him because I'd promised my wife something.

His answer "You're wife needs to understand how things are. These women need to be told whats what". Nice eh?

My wife doesnt bother with Dad at all - quite rightly. But ive never told her this! #WW3

CM - Oh its really weird.....I know.

He still will not pay anyone external a penny. He still won't pay for shopping to be delivered because it costs a few pound.

BUT, and I had an inkling before, he'll pay my brother £200 a week so that hes there at his beck and call. It'd probably be cheaper to pay for food delivery to be honest.

So he seems willing to bribe my brother and I but not pay anyone else..... Like I said the time he expected me to travel 3 hours to collect him from hospital rather than pay £10 for a taxi. At the time, he said "oh I'll pay whatever money you lost from missing work".

He wouldnt have paid that much he would have offered me more than £10 though. Why pay more to get me to do it rather than take the easy and cheap option of a taxi for £10???

A lot of it with him is control. He likes to be in control.

Need: Thanks. Wasn't my phone, but wasn't feeling great as you know.

Llama,

Thanks, I knew what you meant.

My crazy phone does weird autocorrects on it’s own! So I get it.

Need: Edit - *handle* what ...

Need: You're very welcome. I could barely what came my way regarding my mother's care.

Llama,

Thanks, you know how it is. It goes with the territory of caregiving.

If we had known how tough it was going to be, we wouldn’t have signed up for it, right?

Most of us want to look on the bright side and think we are able to handle whatever comes our way.

The truth is that we often bite off more than we can chew. We end up choking.

We can only handle so much before it catches up to us in one form or another.

Need: Wow. I am so sorry that you went through such a difficult time with your mother.

Well, Paul's dad has made his bed, right paulfoel123? Best wishes, Paul. Your dad is lucky to have you as his son.♥️

Paul,

It’s incredibly frustrating dealing with a parent who wants everything their way. I went through this as well with my mom and it nearly killed me.

I hope somewhere down the line, somehow this is resolved for you.

The only thing that I was trying to point out is that it won’t resolve itself by itself.

You are quite aware that your father will never change, so that leaves you to take action and make the appropriate changes for you and your family.

Best wishes, Paul. No one deserves the burden of caring for an ungrateful parent.

It’s not even a question of the aging process.

It’s a question of character.

His personality isn’t due to natural aging.

The man who has resented and resisted paying for any service of any description for any reason for years and years and years - as you have frequently told us - suddenly decides it's worth every penny.

And, apart from deciding that it's a personal affront to you, you don't find that remarkable?

NeedHelp - Yes I got out of the weekend thing before. It turned into a weekday evening visit which suited me better.

OMG - I cant even imagine having Dad live with me.

Dad knows how I feel about brother. We haven't spoken in about a year. Due to the abuse he gave me and my wife when I refused to join his "dad rota".

Of course, Dad is never happy. Hes the sort who'll say "I want a ride, but it must be at 3-07pm, the car must be blue and have black seats". If you don;t do this exactly then you fail the test.

Of course, brother has been passing the test. I've refused to break the law so haven't.

Dad is NEVER EVER EVER going to be happy. The longer he lasts the more miserable hes going to get. He constantly moans about his health which is pretty good but hes obsessed by it all......

As I said, hes not seen my son (17) for probably 2 years now. My daughter for over a year. Not ONE time has he said he misses them.