Follow
Share

Today is a beautiful, sunny day in the Texas Hill Country and I am not going to visit my wife at her care center. I have been with her every day now since November 30th when she had a severe stroke. I love her deeply and yes, I have sunk to the depths of depression, cried rivers, felt sorry for myself and prayed for an end to this terrible situation that fate has dealt us. I brought her home from therapy twice and both times she returned to the hospital the next day by ambulance. She has been diagnosed with depression with behavior problems and confirms that diagnosis each time we see each other. I have made LTC arrangements for her, and have come to the conclusion that I could not care for her with full-time help, much less alone. I hope that folks understand that I just want her to be safe and cared for by someone with professional experience. I just hope we can be together in the next life and happy forever.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
Of course, we understand your sentiments. Please accept that you have already done your best. Your wife is being well cared for.

No one wants their spouse to become ill. It broke my heart when my husband was diagnosed with cancer. I am so grateful that he is doing well now.

It is devastating to witness those we love declining. I am so sorry that you are hurting.

As I said earlier, you have done your very best and I am sure that your wife is appreciative.

You deserve time off. You don’t have to be with her everyday. Go when you feel up to it.

I respect your faith and I understand that you wish to spend eternity with your wife.

Sending prayers and hugs your way today. Take care.
(0)
Report

there is no next life.
we all have 1 shot to get it right.

do not "wait for the next life".

do what you feel is right, for her, for you. if that means stepping back, ok...if that means, being there, ok...abandoning, not abandoning, taking a break, not taking a break, taking a permanent break...whatever...

you're the only one who must live with whatever choices you make. but do not magically think about some next life.
(0)
Report

I suggest you look up the term compassion fatigue to see if you fit into this category
(0)
Report

You are absolutely doing the right things for your wife. There are many fine care facilities in the Texas Hill Country, and I'm sure she's being well cared for. Drive over to Andice and get one of those great hamburgers at the store! Walk the downtown Georgetown square and enjoy the sunshine! You have a life left to live, and you deserve to be happy.
(1)
Report

You need to do the best not only for your wife, but for yourself. This involves you. You are in this due to no fault of your own.
I think your choices are OFTEN the only answer. This isn't a matter of "loving" or not loving. This is a matter of our human limitations and what we think is best for all involved. Because all ARE involved. You didn't cause this and you can't fix it. This is a matter of grief, not guilt. Guilt belongs to felons and suggests things can be changed. Grief knows it is something to mourn and endure. I think that especially for men it is almost impossible to accept that there is no "fix it". It is quite honestly what men DO. They see a problem and move to how to fix it. And when you are mired in a world of things that can't be fixed, it is a whole different ballgame. I am 80. Had what happened to your wife happened to me then I would have hoped my husband would have gone the route you have chosen; I have always made that clear to my husband and kids. I do not want to be the altar someone sacrifices his or her entire life upon.
I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best of luck. I think you are well grounded in reality.
(2)
Report

Scout, I think you need to give yourself a lot of grace here. Your wife will be well taken care of, and you will have the time and energy you need to take care of yourself. And it is very important to note that when you do visit and spend time with her - it will be as her husband and not as her caregiver, in a much more relaxed and rested state of mind. So that you are able to enjoy just spending that time with her, without worrying about the million other things that you need to anticipate about taking care of her, all of those things will already be taken care of.

It will also take you some time to adjust to the new role. You have been in such a heightened state of awareness in the last while that I am sure you will be at loose ends with yourself for a little while. And that´s ok too. You just need to take things slow and visit her as you feel the need and however works for you.

You sound like a very loving husband and you have done your very best to take care of her.
(2)
Report

Scout1314, I'm glad you're taking time just for yourself today to enjoy the beautiful day. No where is it written that one has to visit a loved one everyday, so I'm glad you're taking a break.
In all reality, once you get her placed, visiting just a few times a week should be fine, as she will be busy with other things going on at the facility, and you will want to be busy with things that you enjoy as well.
And yes you are doing the right thing for your wife, as you know that even with full-time help in home it would still be too much for you. We all know our limitations and being a full-time caregiver for someone with many many needs is not for everyone.
Your wife will be cared for 24/7, safe and fed, and you really can't ask for more than that.
And you will be able to get back to just being her loving husband and advocate, and not her caregiver, and that in itself is a true gift.
God bless you.
(3)
Report

Console yourself that you are doing your very best that you can. Nobody can do more than than that. You are a good person as well as a good husband. I’m sure your wife feels your love.
(5)
Report

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter