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On the funny side of downsizing and clearing out after a parent has passed.

We initially downsized and moved our parents out of our big family home once Dad was retired and they no longer wanted the yard and upkeep of a big home. They went to an Apartment nearby, and lived quite happily there for about 8 years. Next they downsized again, to one of my sisters attached MIL apartment. The began declining and the fact that it was small and conveniently located was helpful, as we all (6) live only minutes from each other, then our Dad died, and a few months after, our Mom went onto Hospice, she was moved into my eldest sisters home, never to return.

One day a couple of weeks after Dad had passed, and at our Mom's request (this was before her health crisis and Hospice), we all met up at her place to go through our Dad's things, his clothes, closet and dressers, to really go through it all, as he was known to secret things away, and it was in on of his suit coat pockets, that we found an envelope with several thousand dollars in it! My Dad, such a sneaky little squirrel, but he had to be because our Mom had always kept him on a strict allowance, while raising 6 kids on one salary!

So, Here's the funny part.......

Upon further going through Dad's closet, my prankster little brother K and I found an interesting box containing A Penis Pump! Yes, a Rx medical device type pump, issued by his Urologist, along with instructions gel and everything! So now, both K and I were laughing hysterically, but trying to keep it under wraps, so, K decides to write a little note, as if were from the grave from our Dad, "Gifting" this Penis Pump to my Oldest brother J, now in his 50's, stating he knew that he would "soon be needing this". So, with the note tucked safely inside the box, K made sure my older brother would open it. The confused look on his face when he opened it was Priceless! And then we All broke out in hysterics! Then, to hear our Mom try to explain away that she knew Nothing about it was even funnier! She was never a good liar! Lol! The laughter continued throughout the afternoon, bringing a lot of relief to the sadness of having to go through his things, and us all there doing it together helped too.

Interestingly enough, the amount of money Dad had tucked away in his suit, was the exact amount that it cost to bury him, within a few dollars, almost as if he planned it that way.

My husband and I, now 56 and 60, are in the downsizing stage of our lives. My husband has a bad back, and I have arthritic knees, and we want to sell our home this next spring, and get out from maintaining a larger home. We are ready to travel, enjoy our kids and Grandies, their homes and their improvement projects, as hubby does still enjoy this. We have a sports car and a new SUV, and we're ready to travel the open road! We intend on buying a Condo, hopefully for cash from the proceeds from our paid for home, and not leave a burden for our kids to go through. But STUFF! We have loads of STUFF, as both hubby and I are "collectors"! In hindsight, I'll never know why we thought we needed all this, but it's almost embarrassing how much we've accumulated over the years! Time goes by much faster at our age, and there are only a few months left til spring, and I am feeling very mentally motivated to get rid of it all, now if only my ass weren't so stuck to the couch, we could get through this much more quickly!
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I hear ya. During the last 3 years of her life, the only things mom got rid of was all of her late husband's clothes/belongings and every b-day/Xmas gift I'd given her in the past decade. But oh the fury when I suggested paring down the 2-foot pile of expired coupon flyers on the kitchen counter. Or reducing 42 boxes of BandAids to a reasonable number.

Yeah yeah, it's dementia. Can't take it personally. Try telling that to my blood pressure! Lord what a ride.
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I come from hoarding families, so I know what you guys are talking about. My parents' house was a disaster, with little walking room. Cabinets and counters were stacked to the ceiling. The refrigerator and freezer were packed with food. Some of the food dated back 20 years. There were boxes of paper records going back for 30 years. It was awful to try to get through it all.

My life, OTOH, has been just the opposite. I have very little. I lost everything I had when I left my ex to move here. He did give me $3K for everything. (roll eyes) Now all I have is my computer, my rabbit, my books, and my inventory. Kind of pathetic. :'( The bad thing is that I still have a hoarded house to try to clean out. I'll have to wait until after my mother is gone and hope I'm not too old to get it done. I've had a lot of fantasies about a huge bulldozer just demolishing everything, then rebuilding. But I know it won't be that simple.

CaringRN, it sounds like your mother is an obsessive hoarder. Those are the hardest kinds to work with. My mother was a little easier. Most of her hoard came from thinking something would be needed again and from being too lazy to toss or donate. Her only stronghold has been her old clothes, which fill three closets and one bedroom.

The bad thing about a hoard is that it makes the house impossible to clean. I've given up even trying because it takes too much of my physical and emotional energy to work through it.
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CaringRN - your mother is a hoarder. It may help you to read about hoarders though that doesn't explain why she threw your dad's stuff out. From my experience with a hoarder, he hangs into his stuff, but has no trouble getting rid of other people's things - in fact seems to enjoy it. I don't know if that is in the literature but it is my experience. No doubt she will continue to blame you. I hope you can let it roll off your back. I also hope your aunt is prepared to deal with the junk mail etc. It would not be fair for her to have her place filled with your mum's stuff. Maybe your mum needs to be in a facility where they would limit her accumulation of things. I understand the being "done".
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@FF-I get that. What I don't get is she hangs on to dried out/broken pens forever, but within 6 mths, all the belongings of the one she loves are trashed
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So sorry for your losses and the difficult times ahead, focusing on clearing clutter and also nice belongings kept over the years.

Making a note, a mental note, and also writing it down about how to clear stuff, what has to go, and starting the process, before we are unable to do it ourselves.
Taking it slow, even though I would have been able to clear a 3 bdrm. home in a couple days in years past, today it will take a lot longer due to body aches and pain. I thought it was only me that had to experience throwing somethings away and they reappear from the trash-getting so very frustrating-it has become one of my pet peeves. However, I must be true to my principles and not throw out other people's belongings without their permission, making this all so very much harder.
Thank you FF for letting us all know.
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CaringRN, guess your Mom meant the part that says in the marriage vows "till death do us part".... thus parting of your Dad's belongings.

When my Mom passed, a couple days later my Dad wanted me to take all of her clothes out of the house. So I complied. But that was all that he wanted removed.
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FF, I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad. Thinking of you.
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This is a toughie! My Mom is a hoarder(saves EVERYTHING even JUNK MAIL) & has lived in the same house for 60 years! Just writing about this gives me anxiety. For many, many years we have tried & tried & tried to get rid of the useless/broken crap & then catch HELL from her for ex:throwing out rotten food from the fridge. Eventually, I started to bring the crap home & throw it away here because if I had thrown it in her trash bins,she would retrieve it & put it on the kitchen table for me to see the next time I visited. This is embarrassing, but we feared there were rats in the overly stuffed garage & this past December, my nightmare materialized. RATS! I lost it & broke down. After moving my barely mobile mom(& ALL her "elderly equipment") to my Aunt's house, the emptying of the garage began by professionals. She still blames us for throwing out things & the junk mail pile is growing again. I'm done😖
PS- one thing I'll never understand- 6 months after my Dad died, all his belongings were gone. When I asked here about it, she said "I complied with my marriage vows". ???
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Well, I am the aging parent and my daughter was starting to get worried as I am still in my 6 bedroom house, but I manage OK and love stairs. It was a bit cluttered in places, but we have had some basement floods which have forced the decluttering issue and I am enjoying tossing, donating to charity and sending to people who want things like the family silver, or fine china. The amount of belongings is decreasing and it is such a relief. I will sell soon and move with a minimum of my stuff to a warmer place (less cold really - not Arizona warm) near my oldest son, and look for a 55 + community to have an opportunity for more socialization. I still want stairs for now as they keep my legs and cardio in better shape.

I don't want to leave a lot for my kids to deal with, so it will be downsizing with every move. I moved my mother 4 times in the last 6 years and it was awful. Fortunately she is down to one smallish room now and a rented hospital bed, so there will not be that much to deal with when she passes - just a few bits of furniture and some clothing. You almost wonder if it would be worth renting a furnished place as it would be easier on everyone to move out of.

Good luck to everyone. This is a difficult stage in our lives.
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My mother loves her lift chair as well. lol
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Well, since I last wrote on this thread I had to empty Dad's house completely as it sold which was great news, but then 6 weeks later I had to downsize again.... Dad had to move from his 2 bedroom apartment at Sunrise over to Sunrise's Memory Center in the next building. I told Dad that this move would be like he was going into a college dorm room..

Nope, sorry, Dad, the sofa can't come with you, no space.... same with Mom's dresser... his desk... and computer desk. Dad understood. We are able to move his bookcases and all his books so he was happy with that. I did promise Dad I could get him a lift recliner so he let out a huge smile.

I was able to toss some items, donated some, trashed some. But it was backbreaking work for me. Thank goodness Dad's regular caregiver was more then happy to help me. She found a cart we could use. That helped with all of Dad's books, even his two sets of encyclopedias.

Then last week my Dad passed unexpectedly. He was only in his studio apartment one month and he loved it there.

Now I am trying to empty out his apartment before the end of the month. Oh gosh, what to save, what to donate, what to trash all over again. The lift recliner I had rented so that Dad could give it a test drive before buying it, oh how he loved that chair :)
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I know the feeling. Cleaning out my mother/stepfather's house when she moved to IL was a nightmare. He was a pack rat. He had stuff in boxes I couldn't believe. 95% of it went to the dump and it took 4 truckloads. It was moldy, full of mouse poo, and smelled. There was even an old toilet seat.
Off the subject, but the old rat was jealous of my father (who had passed away in 1975) and he secretly threw away everything of my father's. I will never forgive him for that. There was nothing left from my Dad!
My mother just passed, and we had gotten rid of almost everything when she went into the NH. My basement and living room were full of things like collectibles, limited edition art, porcelain dishes, etc. I tried and tried to sell it - no one wanted it. No one in the family wanted much. I even brought her elephant collection to her memorial lunch and invited everyone to take one as a rememberence. It broke my heart to take most of the rest, including very expensive china to charity stores. Since then, I have been going through my own drawers and all the rooms, getting rid of stuff.
If something happened to me and my husband, our children would have a mess to clean up. I would really love to find a nice little cottage to buy and get rid of this 9 room house full of stuff we don't use or don't need!
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GardenArtist, oh my gosh, I can just imagine how you felt when you turned the key in your Dad's car and it wouldn't start. I would have been in tears by then.

As for gutters, the bottom of the downspouts are buried underground where the water would come out maybe 3 to 5 feet away from the house. My gutters/downspouts are the same way, and mine are broken, too. Will get an estimate for my own house, also.

Yesterday while at my Dad's house trying to tidy up the basement chasing the cobwebs, and other rolling matter on the basement floor, I noticed the sump pump wasn't speaking to me... normally during a rain it would be running frequently. Hopefully the plumber can replace it today.

A handyman can into my office this morning and I mentioned what was going on in the basement as he's familiar with the house, he said that a waterproofing contractor can come in and drill holes into the concrete floor and fill it with a material that would spread under the foundation. Whew, glad to know there might be a Plan C, if Plan A and B doesn't fix the problem.

Are we having fun yet?
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Another thought - are all the gutters underground? If not, gutters with leaks can usually be spotted from the exterior - look for stains underneath the gutters, especially at the seams. Sometimes the bottom of the gutters are discolored from leaks.

I'm not familiar with underground gutters, but am thinking that even if they were leaking or cracked, there might be some tree roots in the system that prevented flow and caused a backup. If the ground in that area freezes deep enough to reach the level of the basement, or if there were some clogged leaves in the exterior portion of the gutters, that may have been a factor as well.
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FF, as a consolation.....maybe this experience will help you feel better.

My parents spend the winters in Texas; my sister and I took care of their house. I lived about 30 miles away, fortunately not too far. They also owned a rental house across the street.

Tenant (not a good one) called one afternoon in the winter and advised the furnace was out, and that he was going out of town for the weekend. My car was in the shop; I had to ask the HVAC repairman to pick me up from work.

We arrived to a very cold house. Furnace out, crawl space, pipes in danger of freezing. Needed immediate attention. Fortunately the HVAC contractor was flexible.

HVAC man fixed the furnace; I said I'd drive my father's car home; he left. Surprise - battery was dead. Neighbor came over and charged the battery. Eventually I left, I think sometime around 9 or 10 - I know it was late, dark, and very cold. Long day.

I told my parents that I thought it would be a good idea if they sold the cottage; it was just too much for me to keep up my house, theirs and the cottage as well. They did sell it and one of the greatest neighbors ever bought it.
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FF, you're sure it's not a leak from a pipe overhead?

Is this in an area of the basement that's lower? If there's a drain in that area, it could also have been a backup.
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Murphy's Law is following me. Found a small pool of water in my Dad's basement and had no idea where on earth where this came in, as it was in the middle of the basement, no trails to follow. My first guess is from the underground gutters my Dad put in decades ago, probably broke over the years. First time I have seen water since my Dad finally moved out three months ago... we have had a week of rainy weather. This no doubt has been happening the past but my Dad wasn't allowed down the basement stairs and the caregivers had no reason to go into the basement.

Of course the pool of water decided to head to the boxes of basement "stuff" I had packed to decide what to do next with it. Those boxes were like sponges. I was so heart broken that the water got into a large antique radio, so that had to be trashed.

Now I got an appointment with a gutter company to come out and give me estimates on new gutters and downspouts. Also had to set a time with a plumber as one of the toilets isn't flushing. Wonder what will haunt me next :P
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I feel for you.. my parents had an antique shop and a house full of high end antiques. and we hired a good acution house.. got diddly squat.
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Pam, my boss took that route when he had to leave his home and he was very disappointed with the amount of money he got, and here he had high end furniture and other decor.

Come to think of it, donating might be the best route as my Dad will eventually need to sell some stock and if there are profits, the donations would be a good write-off to counter balance the profits.

It's just sooooo much work :0
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Is there a local acution company that you can TAKE the stuff to? I think we have one here in Frederick,, I have some stuff that needs to go too.
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FF, thanks for sharing your experience. It can help all of us when we come to that stage.
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FF, I have noticed the trend away from estate sales here as well, and it is really not surprising. An auction can take up a lot of hours to set up items and the sale itself will take up most of the day, the auctioneer usually has to pay helpers, and unless you have rare collectibles the take is usually not nearly as great as you imagine, everybody wants a bargain.
What about an "indoor" yard sale, just post a sign asking for best offers and open the door!
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Oh ff - what a disappointment! (((((((hugs)))))) I know all about the hard work of lugging stuff around. R is currently arranging for the stuff in storage to be taken by an auctioneer There are a few good pieces of furniture which makes it worth their while. Here there are face book pages for giving away or selling things. They are pretty active. You can stipulate that it must be gone tomorrow and it seems to happen. That will be my next project after sending off a few more things. I know it is a royal pain and a lot of work. I still have furniture and more of mother's in the house as well as my own things and have gotten rid of a lot, not that it looks much different. I guess as long as we persist, one day we will see a difference. I have seem people take things that are by the trash in other cities Whatever works!
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Ok, here is an update.... it's been almost 2 months and I can't find anyone to do an estate sale for me. Apparently around here they only want high end furniture or a whole house filled of quality antiques. And here I had lug from my own house china settings and high quality glassware to add to the collection. That was a waste of time, energy, and days of aching back from the heavy lifting.

Back to square one. Now much of the stuff that I had paid someone to put like-kind items together I have been stuffing into construction trash bags and lugging out to the curb for trash day. There are still more items to bag in the basement and carry up the stairs. Not easy for two folks who will be 70 this year, meaning me and my sig other :P

Now all the china and glassware I had lugged over to my parents house has been lugged back to my house. I can store it until I figure out what to do. Past couple of weekends spent quality time boxing up a lot of knick knacks to give to Goodwill. Still have a lot more to deal with.... [sigh]

I have noticed that people will take things if placed by the curb on trash day that aren't in bags. Two wooden drying racks someone picked up before the trash service came around. YES!! Will try that next trash pick up on other items :)
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Glad to hear that, ff. This is something you've wanted for a long time. You got there the hard way.....but heck, that's how most of us get there! Enjoy your accomplishment. :-)
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Well, done ff. Great that you have made such progress. I am so glad you had some knowledgeable help.
\
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Doing a happy dance today.... the group 1-800-GotJunk will be by this afternoon to pick up unusable "stuff".

Dozens upon dozens of contractor bags filled with things, trash cans filled with old boards and pipes, old scraps of rugs that my folks had everywhere around the house. I had to hire someone to help me sort through things, it worked great as he knew what to keep for an estate sale and what to toss. Even things I would have thrown out, he said someone would buy a box of like kind items for a few dollars.

Next will be someone to come out to see if the remaining items are good enough for an estate sale.

Came across a big old 3-ring binder which was the probate of my grandmother's estate, the probate took 10 years to complete as it was complicated as it included a business.... and 5 grown children who didn't like how the Will was written.... [sign].
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My parents had a 4 bedroom home full of stuff. My sisters and I started to come once every few months and pick an area to work on; get rid of stuff, organize and clean. Of course what we got rid of was totally up to my parents. We actually had some fun, would clean and order some take-out.
By the time they had to leave the house there was still plenty of stuff, but it wasn't quite as bad. If you can turn it into some sort of enjoyable activity, that can help.
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It's interesting that perfectionism/OCD seem to be linked to hoarding, you would think they would be the antithesis of each other wouldn't you? I have noticed this in my sis as well, things are left undone because she hasn't found time to do it the "right way", gifts have gone unsent because she couldn't find the right card or message to write, and the piles of paper, old clothes and the like that need to be looked at before being tossed or donated just keeps growing. Hmmmm. One son asks "when are you going to clean up" with every conversation, really not helpful :(
I have told her I will help her some day when mom no longer needs me, by then we will need dumpsters (who am I kidding, we probably do already)!
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