I've posted various questions here and mentioned briefly about my background. However as a quick summary, my father took his own life at the age of 79 this past March. This has obviously left our family reeling and dealing with multiple emotions. I am a nurse and currently in school for my Nurse Practitioner. I "know" what I am supposed to do, and I have counseling scheduled to help me work through anger, grief, guilt, etc. So, I know I can't NOT address my own issues if for nothing else but to be the best mama and wife I can to my family so they don't suffer because of any unresolved issues I have.
That being said...My 80 year old mom has been abandoned and is depressed beyond words. Understandably so. 55 years with my father. The woman is broken. She may have had some early signs of dementia a year or two ago (now that I look back), that maybe my dad was hiding pretty well. Because now, especially in the evenings, she says some very "off" things. She is sleepy all the time. She shuffles around and looks 120 years old. She is living in a first floor apt. literally 2 minutes from my home. This was because of her knees and also because I just don't think it is healthy for my mom to live WITH me. I love her and respect her but she is stubborn and fiesty and has no problem just walking in our bedrooms unannounced. So...this is best.
Ok, so what do I need help with? The Mindset question...I CANNOT seem to be there emotionally for my mom. I am irritated by the way she has seemingly given up on functioning. The shuffling. The unkempt look about her. The falling asleep talking to me. The getting on my pre-teen daughter (Who TRUST me gets it from me ALL the time...she doesn't need two of us)in a very mean way at times...just her VERY negative way now. As you're reading this I bet I sound so mean. How can a nurse and a future NP feel this way? How can I be so heartless?
I ask myself the same questions. I want to know if anyone has felt this way and has any advice on how to turn my mindset around. I do a lot for my mom and she always says "You take such good care of me", but I don't FEEL warm towards her. I have to think that what my father did has broken something in me, and I too acknowledge my mom and her grief would require me dealing with what dad did and I need some professional help with that. (Soon to come next week first session). I just feel cold. I want someone to tell me that it will get better. Or even tell me to get my head out of my butt and just BE NICE. Mom said tonight all I ever do is tell her what she's doing wrong (stand up straight, pick up your feet, let's put on a prettier sweater, etc). I guess I just feel like I'm trying to perk her up.
Anyway, this was more of a ramble than anything. Just wanted some thoughts or advice. Or, even let me have it :-)
This website and forum have been very helpful to me. Thank you!
Finally brethren, whatever is true,
Whatever is honorable,
Whatever is right,
Whatever is pure,
Whatever is lovely,
Whatever is of good repute,
If there is anything worthy of praise,
Dwell on these things.
And in the way you lost your Dad, through suicide.
Here you are, trying to help people by being in the medical profession.
And he gives up, plus, leaving Mom to you.
That would make anyone angry, at a loss, in a void, sorrowful, and needing therapy. You are not alone.
Depression is anger turned inward. It is unexpressed anger.
It could even feel like a slap in the face, that Dad did this to you.
In my opinion, someone's suicide had nothing at all to do with you,
not thinking at all of those left behind. It was your Dad, so you might feel abandoned, even though you are an adult. It is a sad loss for you.
Therapy will help you, imo.
Keep checking back, let us know how you are.
Your mother is no doubt feeling much the same mix of shock, grief, abandonment, anger, and guilt that you are, but her declining mental state gives her far fewer and less effective tools to cope and process it all. It may also be that the apparently self-indulgent behaviors spark resentment in you because your responsibilities to her and your school program require you to pull yourself together whether you feel like it or not. And everyone grieves in their own way, so it's likely she is doing the best she can.
Its perfectly OK for you to feel detached from your mother, and not out of line at all with your chosen profession. You can think of your caregiver role as a professional one. Anyone on the helping professions has to develop a certain level if clinical detachment.
Is your mother under the care of a geriatric psychiatrist? It would not be a bad idea to have the progression of her dementia evaluated, especially since you suspect your father of minimizing it. The same person could be helpful in setting her up with some behavioral therapy and perhaps some antidepressant medication to help her.
You are in a stressful, high-stakes education program, assuming more caregiving responsibility for your mother, and grieving your father's death. So you are allowed to take a little space from your mothers emotional life and take care of yourself, first.
Your mother could also very well be suffering from depression. The unkempt appearance, grumpy/ crabbyness, lashing out.
Both of you need help. Can you hire someone to help, even if its for an hour or 2 a week? Give yourself a break. It could be a college kid who likes to be around the aged. Maybe they are going into Nursing/OT/PT and need the hours or it looks good on a resume. The elderly can put on a good front to strangers. Enjoy talking and hanging out with someone who is not family. Unfort family can get abused behind closed doors.
Do not move her in with you. It is more than you can handle right now.
You need a break and so does you mom. When was the last time you did something just for you? Something fun? It does not require money to take a walk, do your nails, a beauty appt, take a relaxing bath while listening to music. Meditate etc. Or have a girls day out and reconnect with the daughter for lunch, some shopping, a movie etc.
You need to address your depression. It is on both sides of my family, so I know the signs well.
You need to take care of you, b4 you can take care of anyone else. Id take mom and yourself to the docs office. Id go to someone that specializes in depression. They know the proper dosage. Most GPs do not and dont prescribe the correct dosage.
This will subside in time. I think it is compounded by having to take care of your mom on top of a busy life. I would get help instead of waiting it out. Good luck.
Even from the one person who asked "what is WRONG with you?" I get it. I knew I sounded cold. And as another person did say, I was putting my thoughts out there to a group of people I knew had some experience with at least parts of my situation. But hey, my thoughts are selfish. I get it. I don't like myself lately.
I do want to clarify a few things:
1. I got mom a counselor. She saw one in when she lived with my brother a few months one time but my bro and SIL convinced her it was too expensive. I was appalled and got her one immediately when she moved back here that takes Medicare. Mom really likes her counselor and felt good to be "validated" that she had been through hell. I just saw a counselor myself today for the first time.
2. Pretty immediately after my father's death, I got my mom into her provider, and she was written an antidepressant. Her PCP follows her closely and she has an appt. Thursday.
3. I could write a completely separate post on my mom and her STUBBORN attitude towards doctors/meds. Because of her years of thinking she knew more than her doctors and me, she is in stage 3/4 Kidney failure. She never took her BP meds. Anytime I would ask her about it she would pretty much tell me to back off. Well, last year (before dad died), mom had a scary episode of a complete cognitive decline, falling asleep while talking to me. She was admitted into the hospital in acute kidney failure. This was when she finally knew it was time to get serious about taking her BP meds. But even JUST yesterday, she told me to back off and she was NOT getting blood work at her appt. on Thursday. She said she doesn't want to know and is tired of everyone worrying about her BP. Except...I'm the one who picks up the pieces when things go south. But oh well.
So, I'll close with YES....I know I have to get help. I got mom help first actually. She's on antidepressants and has a counselor. Like I said, I just saw mine today for the first time.
I truly appreciate all of the kind words. And the "keeping it real" ones. I like the "fake it til you make it" and the "pray for a servant's heart", and the reassurance that I'm just going through a bit of a horrid time myself and I may just be a little numb.
Thank you all. I'll keep you posted.
Lots of love.
Just a thought. My brothers and I will ask her to do something for us or point out the stress she is putting on us, gently on our own too depending on the subject. She has had enough trips to the ER because of things she wasn't doing well, diabetes, heart, not drinking enough fluids, not medicating right that reminding her we are just trying to prevent another trip again often helps to bring her around too, it's all part of taking care of us by taking care of herself.
Sounds like you are doing everything right for both of you though, don't be so hard on yourself. I would be thrilled to have you working with my mom. :)
I am visiting you as the Grinch, He had a very kind heart, deep down.
I forced myself to watch this silly movie, and found the villian was endearing with his truth.
Your mom may just be done. I understand being the one that picks up the pieces but sometimes you just can't help someone until they drag bottom.
You are not awful just overwhelmed. One step at a time right now. You got this!
Hugs!