Hi all. First post here. My mother has been slowly slipping into dementia these past few years. Following a recent pronged hospital stay due to serious infection, she is finally home and her confusion has accelerated so much that I am now forced to face the reality that she can’t manage by herself. I am her only living child and the burden now falls on me to organise everything concerning her health, wellbeing and day to day living. She has always been a very generous woman and has showered myself and my kids with money gifts over the years. She has also always tipped generously to hairdressers, waiters etc but I have noticed in the last few years that this has elevated to the extent that a visit by someone who performs a basic task for her has been rewarded with a disproportionate large money gift. This was not so bad during Covid as she only had a few visitors who were always close family. But now I have had to employ numerous carers to cover morning and evening hours each day of the week as I work full time. Prior to her hospital stay she carried a large amount of cash in her wallet that she hangs around her neck. After she came home I took the bulk of it to keep safely and am using it to pay her bills and groceries. This money comes from her weekly pension which she has always personally withdrawn. I could get it transferred directly into her bank but she would still want to have cash to hand. She is caught in this mid stage of being confused at times but being very lucid at other times. I am threading very gently between taking over her finances without totally sidelining her from having some control over some amount of money in her purse. I initially employed a friend to do some hours to fill the gap before I got the permanent carers who started last week. My friend told me she tried to give her a 50 note which she politely declined. I then told my mom that my friend worked for an agency who would sack her if she accepted the money, this was to scare her into not doing it with the new carers who are employed through an agency and therefore wouldn’t be informing me if she did it again. Mom seemed to understand and agreed not to do it again. But today I checked her wallet and there is no money there. I know her gardener turned up out of the blue last week after a prolonged absence and I was not there to pay him, so she paid him with cash as she has always done. But she should still have had some cash left, so now I don’t know if she overpaid him or she is handing out money to the new carers. I don’t want to accuse anyone without due proof. My friend takes her grocery shopping but I leave money for that so there is no other opportunity to spend cash and none of my kids have seen her this week as they are all away, Tonight she asked me to get her more money for her wallet and she was very lucid about it. Do I challenge her and upset her by refusing to replenish the money which is her own ? Or do I put a few 5’s and 10’s in it and write it off if its gone by the end of the week?
Then I took her mail out for her one day and she had between 8-10 'pleas' for donations for whatever causes. Aha! She was slipping a 10 or 20 in each one.
She does this b/c she is on every single charity in the world! And b/c they send her junk (pads of scratch paper, pens, labels) she feels obligated. She used to write checks but has a hard time doing so now. So we can't 'track' her spending.
I know she sometimes tries to tip the UPS, FedEx and Amazon drivers and they are not allowed to take tips.
She has 3 bills each month, and writes checks for those. She pays cash for her groceries, or laboriously writes a check if she's low on cash.
It frustrates me b/c I know she's thinking she's being so generous and charitable, and bless her, she kind of is--but even with talking myself blue in the face that a LOT of these charities are ripoffs--she continues. It's a lost cause and I have quit saying anything to her about it. But when she complains about not having enough money to live on, I might gently remind her she's giving away probably $300-$400 a month. It doesn't seem to ring a bell with her.
What I did was ask to sit down and discuss the donations, to agree on certain ones, and within certain financial parameters. Turn her generosity into a positive event.
You could ask her to list all those to whom she wants to give money; compare that with spare funds in her budget, and decide on specific amounts, for specific tasks/issues.
Make it a project that can be rewarding. If you have extra greeting or gift cards, let her choose some for each person, and tuck the dollar bills or checks in with the cards.
But work w/I the parameters you discuss, and make an event of the "paydays". Perhaps take her out for lunch (if she's mobile), or bring flowers, put on her favorite music, and make a day out of it. Try to keep the "giving" confined to those days only. Create a log for her to keep track of those to whom she wants to donate, and do so on the "paydays". This will help keep spending confined to when you're there.
Do emphasize though that she needs to ensure she has enough for herself, and these "paydays" will help keep that goal in mind.
Perhaps you find something for celebration when she stays within budget, i.e., a trip to the Dairy Queen, some flowers you purchase for her, a fall leaf tour trip...something that enhances her feelings about doing good things for others, then rewarding herself.
Any responsible adult - which I assume your mother would consider herself to be, no? - knows it's important to keep track of where her cash is going. You also want to interest her in where she's keeping it and who has access to it.
What basis have you hired the carers on? It's a matter of whether you speak to them directly or discuss this issue with the agency. Either way it needs to be tackled. There are very strict rules about abuses of trust and ethics in supporting people with dementia, and it's important that your mother isn't putting temptation in the way of people who may not even understand or have been told that she has dementia. I know from experience that it is sometimes very difficult to refuse a gift, especially when the would-be giver says "oh this doesn't count" and means only to be appreciative - you feel like a jobsworthy cow for refusing, but you have to.
Two other key points: do you have power of attorney? and is there any formal diagnosis of your mother's dementia?
I may give her $20 in ones but no more than that. When it runs out tell her she has to wait until the next pension check arrives. She needs to budget her money.
When my mother hit moderate dementia, we took over all of her finances, including tips for her monthly haircuts and nail care.
Although we take care of all her bills (with her money), she still asks for cash.
I've given her $20 to keep in her purse. She still complains about wanting more. Saying that she needs to shop. I just assure her that I will supply anything she needs. Then, I try to change the subject.
There is nowhere to shop. She is in Memory Care.
I would limit the amount of money that your mom has access to. She may not even remember tipping the gardener a large amount.
Best wishes.