Not really a question, more of a rant. But any thoughts and suggestions are appreciated!!
So FIL who was widowed a year ago April is in AL with dementia, He is miserable, refuses to socialize, thinks he doesn't belong there , refused care, yada yada. Finally is showering 1-2 times most weeks, last couple of months with or without help depending on his mood, but still does not change his pullup often enough and refuses toileting schedule.
This past month has expressed that he knows he is declining. He has been in the hospital 4 times since December with acute on top of chronic respiratory failure. This time he is also in CHF.
The man despises rehab and PT. The last time was this past April. And he did improve , but has been declining again .
Last night he said he does not want anything done , he is too tired. In my head I agreed that he is probably too weak for rehab and was thinking of palliative care in SNF.
Went to see him this morning and FIL was back to "denial" about his condition. He said the doctor said he needs to get stronger. FIL thinks that means he just needs a few more days before he goes back to AL. FIL just wants out of the hospital. He did seem better today, but I doubt he can go back to AL before going to rehab. I also think its questionable that he would do well enough to return to AL at all.
It is so exhausting for all (Including FIL), this back and forth every other month with the same chronic problems. At some point DH who is POA will have to make the call as to how much is done and when to just let FIL rest.
But when that is , is a tough decision again. It was much easier when he was doing more poorly and FIL himself saying not to do procedures etc. FIL is a DNR, which he is still adamant about.
Modern medicine keeps bringing him back from going over that edge, where we would all say for sure let the man rest. It seems so cruel to put this man through rehab again and again , just putting off the inevitable.
It gets complicated as well since FIL has some lucid moments. It would be much easier for DH to say "Stop , let him rest." if FIL was less verbal or less able to make wishes known. But his wishes are often unrealistic as he is not always aware of how ill he is. Last time FIL was very against rehab, but did it to avoid SNF. I doubt he remembers that he wasn't allowed to go back to AL if he didn't do rehab. We may be headed for the same ugly scenario , as he thinks he can go where he wants" so long as he pays the rent".
So now what? how many times does this happen until DH decides that FIL should just rest in palliative care in SNF no matter what he says? Maybe FIL won't be well enough to get back to AL, we will see.
“ I do wonder what on earth families did in the olden days ? Leave ’em on the porch ? “
That is a good question .
Perhaps in the olden days they stopped taking them to doctors and hospitals so the slog didn’t last as long ?
We had a particularly bad session with FIL last evening . Demanding his checkbook and credit cards back etc . FIL is fine . My BP is through the roof and I am supposed to have a stress test today which they probably will not let me do . DH wasn’t , isn’t even talking since last night , except to say if he could turn back time he would have left FIL in Florida “ on his porch” .
I sincerely fear one of us having a heart attack or stroke at this point over a lifelong selfish man who practically ignored DH his entire adult life.
Burnt, *ornery* 😆 Love this word!
I do wonder what on earth families did in the olden days? Leave 'em on the porch?
I agree with you!
The guy is “ out there”. The problem is he can still fool people 1/2 the time in conversation .
He belongs in SNF because he’s uncooperative with showers and incontinence care . AL should kick him out .
In your professional opinion as a nurse, wouldn’t you say that he needs to be in Skilled Nursing?
Burnt,
What do you think?
Way,
We all know that your FIL can’t live on his own. He is in deep denial. He is manipulative too. He asks for a credit card to take y’all out to dinner for helping him. As you say, the real story is because he wants to go out!
Who is going to take him out in his condition? Y’all aren’t going to agree to this. Geeeeeez! He needs help with everything! Yeah, I get that he wants to be independent but he no longer fits into that category.
DH and I are both going up tonight . I told DH that he has to be angry when he goes tonight .
TBH . I wish they would kick him out to SNF.
Well, then it's going to be a baptism of fire as they say for him. More than even he needs to get on board with help or they will kick him out.
If he really needs rehab, then he has to go. Otherwise there will be another fall or another crisis and it will be a nursing home.
If he's doing okay, then now would be the time for his son (you man) to tell him how it's going to be so he can stay in AL.
When are you going back to see your FIL? Is your husband in town now or out of town on business? I know that you go without your husband when he is traveling.
This is super stressful for you. I can relate to your BP situation. I dealt with high blood pressure issues too. This situation needs to be resolved soon.
From: BurntCaregiver
To: Way2tired's FIL
Show him this message. It comes from a person who worked in senior care for 25 years and now is in the business of homecare.
Being stubborn, filthy, ornery, and refusing the assistance of staff and family there to HELP you will result in being KICKED OUT of assisted living.
Here's what happens when you're kicked out of assisted living. You get put into a nursing home or memory care facility.
Assisted Living is a a thousand times better than life in a nursing home or a memory care facility. People in Assisted Living still have freedom and autonomy. They can still do as they please and go where they please. But like all things in life, they have rules too. The rules for you to return are first going to rehab and then being cooperative with aide care assistance.
No one wants to live in a place that smells like sh*t. You don't have any right to stink the place up because your stubbornness is stopping you from changing your soiled pull-up or allowing anyone to help you stay clean.
The AL facility will not allow your behavior. So if you want to go back there two things need to happen.
1) Rehab so you can get strong enough to return to AL which is not a nursing home or a hospice.
2) A serious attitude adjustment. Either get on board with staying clean and allowing professional staff to assist with this, or it will be a nursing home.
Show this to your FIL.
I can’t say that I blame you.
I distinctly remember my husband saying to me, “Your mom is going to be upset no matter what you do. So, you may as well do what you want for a change and let her be upset with that.” He was right!
There were times when I couldn’t please my mom, even if she got her way!
Tell your husband what my husband told me.
It’s true, Burnt would set him straight! Too bad that you can’t get her to be the mediator in this situation between your husband and his dad.
At this point your guess is as good as mine .
I need burntcaregiver to talk to this senior brat.
DH doesn’t want to go talk to him tonight but I have a stress test tomorrow. I have to get this overwith tonight or my BP will be too high tomorrow for the test. DH is annoyed .
God…Imagine if in heaven, the first thing one gets is a T-shirt. I wonder what kind of T-shirts trouble-makers-elderly-people get in heaven?
I am so sorry. What exactly is going on with your husband? Is he feeling apathetic about everything at this point?
Apathy can cause a person to feel depressed and defeated. Then, they get stuck and don’t address the situation as they should.
I know because I was stuck for a long time!
I need my “ Done “ t shirt
Will be having another chat tonight .
He belongs in SNF where they won’t put up with this $4!t .
I will be super nice to you.
I will not be a senior brat.
Including also T-shirts for elderly people:
I don’t want you to be my slave.
Just be my daughter/son, not my caregiver.
Seeing you happy, makes me very happy.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
My wish list T-shirt range (all collected from AC Forum posts) include;
I am not your Maid.
This is not a restuarant.
This is not a cruise ship.
I am not your Cruise Director.
I am not your royal bottom wiper.
Note: A cat just tapped me on the shoulder and explained to me, that when they’re in the wild, they live in cat colonies and help each other, care for each other, feed each other, protect each other, young and old.
Have you ever wished that you had a hidden camera or even just a recorder to play back for people to show them how crazy they really look and sound? LOL 😆
I am not talking about people with dementia, only the other crazy people! Hahaha.
You know, just show the footage to them and say, “What do you think of this?”
Some people have always denied everything. They prefer to gaslight others rather than just to own up to something when they are confronted about something.
It would be fun to see the look on their faces as they watch and hear themselves on camera!
One time, we got sick of my husband’s grandmother being so self centered. The world revolved around her! She never listened to anyone else. Ever!
So, we decided to play a little trick on her! LOL
She started telling one of her crazy stories. My BIL who has a fantastic sense of humor calmly said to his grandmother, “The house is on fire.”
She looked at him, and says, “Oh, that’s nice.” Then, continued on with her story.
So, he says a bit louder, “Did you hear what I said a minute ago? The house is on fire.” She says, “Yes, that’s nice!”
By this time, we are all about to burst into laughter!
She is going on and on with her story! So, he said in a much louder voice, “Ma Ma, The house is on fire!!!” We were laughing hysterically by this point!
She finally stopped telling us her story and said, “What is so funny? I wasn’t saying anything funny for you to be laughing so much! What is going on?” She was a bit perturbed by our laughter.
So my brother in law said, “We were doing an experiment to prove to you that you don’t ever listen to anyone else. You only talk about yourself to everyone. I just told you three times that your house was on fire and you weren’t listening to a word that I said.”
Of course, she denied that he said that to her!
Short and simple! Sounds good to me!
“ Done”
It’s 4 letters, hehe🤣
That works!
Let me take a wild guess? Cats don’t need this T-shirt either?