Often times I feel like a hamster on a treadmill, going at full speed but never getting anywhere. I think for most of us it's the fact that there is no 'light at the end of the tunnel.' Others go through a hard or challenging time, but know that eventually, the situation will change. We don't know when it will until death (our parents or ourselves) finally steps in. It's the never ending routine and being so tired all the time from care giving, but feeling no progress despite all our efforts. Each day is a reset. Starting over from Square One. BUT I have joined several special interest groups and I am determined to put emotional distance between myself and my situation with my mother. I've also started listening to classic rock stations in the house, music that blasts the blues out of me with its hard driving sounds. And the good part is my mother is also hard of hearing, so no complaints from her. Hang in there, everyone.
Now I get to learn how to unwind from all the dysfunction now that it is over. It's a little easier to deal with, but I still have certain knee-jerk reactions. When I do, sometimes I visit their grave just to know they really are there and I'm okay to like not having to deal with it anymore.
2 blue Sue.
In doing that, I could forgive her for being so heartless and put a boundary up that I could live with while still helping a human being. What my mom's behavior also taught me is that now when outsiders from my family call me names or insult me.... it doesn't hurt because my mother had said vile things to me like wishing me dead.
I also have no history from my parents. They kept everything secret. I sometimes pick up things that I've learned, but I have no real connection. The one I did have with my dad's oldest sister, just passed last year also and it has been very lonely for me. But the one thing I can say now that it is all over. I managed to care for both of them. I kept my sanity, and I don't feel guilty for enjoying my life now. Sad as that sounds, its really not. It's freeing. You will find that freedom, HOWEVER, make sure you went to the mountain top each time. Because only then will you know you did all you can despite her and you will have nothing to feel guilty about.
I was a caregiver to both parents 24/7 for over 10 years until their deaths... and agree with all of you.
The biggest part is not to get into the "guilt" mode, and do whatever it takes to refrain from depression. We are isolated, feel alone, and like there is no one who understands... ( partially true, as only another caregiver can truly understand)...
Body movement of ANY kind can keep depression at bay... either and actually taking the time to "time out" several times a day. Do any of you meditate, take a "10-20 minute nap". or simple put on some happy music loud and dance around? So many little things can keep us sane. Most of all, ASK FOR HELP! Something I did not do... and can make a HUGE difference
Looking back, we all seem to get into the cycle of overwhelm, neglecting ourselves, and being totally exhausted.
Need to really take just a little time out several times a day with a 10-15 minute nap (often when our loved one naps)... through meditation, and simpley getting outside on short breaks. Also know that moving the body around can change our "state"... and that in turn changes out mood and ability to cope a little better. You all have taken on an awesome task.