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😉 A caregiver gets held up at gunpoint by a mugger who says, "Your money or your life!"
The caregiver says, "Is there a third thing? I don't have either of those."
(9)
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There are two types of people. I hate both.
(2)
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You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands.
For instance, if she’s holding a gun, she’s probably angry.
(5)
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🙂 Annoying the cook will result in starvation.
(2)
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Hair (noun)

Something that you know you need to wash, but you are not mentally prepared to dry it.
(2)
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Showering (verb)

5% washing
95% winning fake arguments
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English teachers (noun)

People who put more thought into a novel than the original author ever did.
(3)
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That’s what I mean (noun)

What you said made more sense so I’m taking credit for it.
(3)
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Morning (noun)

The time when the bed has more gravity.
(2)
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Haha (noun)

I actually saw this joke already but I don’t want to hurt your feelings.
(2)
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Heaven (noun)

A place full of everything you get sent to h*ll for.
(2)
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This message was deleted (phrase)

The message you wanted to see the most.
(2)
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The end of the world (noun)

No internet connection.
(3)
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The other day (noun)

Any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
(2)
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Long story short (phrase)

Turns out I will tell an entire fully detailed story.
(2)
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Tomorrow (noun)

The day your diet starts.
(3)
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Secret (noun)

Something you tell everybody to tell nobody.
(3)
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i already posted this, but i have to re-post it because it’s funny:

🥰 Soulmate (noun)

Someone who does the same weird things you do.
(2)
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Brain (noun)

Something we all have but don’t use very often.
(1)
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Bundle, 🤣🤪👏 thanks
(1)
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🙂 What language do oranges speak?
Mandarin!
(3)
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🙂 Just wanted to let you know, that I'm pretty good in bed.
I hardly ever fall out now.
(4)
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"Three wishes," the genie says.
"First wish," the stoner grins, "let's smoke a joint." They do.
Then, "Second wish, let's smoke another." They do.
For the third wish, he says, "Let's smoke one more."
The genie, looking concerned, says, "Are you sure? You have only one wish left."
"Yeah, man, I'm sure," the stoner replies. They smoke, and the genie goes back in the bottle.

A little while later, the genie comes out of the bottle and says, "Alright, what's your fourth wish?"
(2)
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😉 My ex still misses me. But their aim is getting better!
(4)
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😉 I was so surprised when the stationary store moved.
(4)
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😉 They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian; Well, they're not laughing now.
(7)
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I’m going to start telling men “I know a place”, then drop them off at a therapist.
(2)
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🥰🥰🥰🥰
I would walk across legos for you.
(2)
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I’m going to use what little energy I have today to breathe and maybe blink. That’s about it.
(2)
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🥰 Life is short.
Lick the bowl.
(2)
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