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If you got every human on the Planet to join hands in a line around the equator, most of them would drown.
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🙂 "Anytime I see an autobiography on the shelf I just skip to the about the author section."
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"A duck's opinion of you is directly correlated to whether or not you have bread."
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"Somebody stole my mood ring, and I don't know how I feel about that."
(5)
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"Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes."
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"It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs."
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“Choosing a dog may be the only chance you get to pick a relative.”
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“I have a memory like an elephant. In fact, elephants often consult me.”
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🙂 “I always pronounce one word wrong. Wrong.”
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“I got help for my ATM addiction, but went through withdrawals first.“
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“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: You wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.”
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“I’m not crazy — I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 60 years.”
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“From the ages of 8-18, my family and I moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
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“Even if I wanted to go, my schedule wouldn’t allow it. 4:00, wallow in self-pity; 4:30, stare into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one; 5:30, Jazzercise; 6:30, dinner with me — I can’t cancel that again; 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing...I’m booked.”
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“Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!”
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“I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.”
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Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
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Comic strip:

An old grandmother, dressed in pink, holding on to her purse, is waiting for the bus at the bus stop.

The Grim Reaper appears next to her, with his scythe and dressed in black.

“Nice hoodie!” she says to him.

(The title of the comic strip is: Flirting with Death)
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If I don’t have some cake soon, I might die.
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I was helping with an older Alzheimer's patient. She was really attached to me. One day after helping her do something, she sighed and said " your such a bread basket" I took it as a good thing

That's sweet diannek my thinker is tired today. 😆
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not much of a joke. Just a silly moment and reminder to look for opportunities to laugh.
Helping my 82-year-old mom put her pull ups on and I could tell she was embarrassed that she couldn't remember how to put them on herself. I hugged her and told her that I love her so much. She said, "I love you and you have a good......... thinker." She couldn't remember the word "brain". She and I laughed and laughed.
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Try calling Pizza Hut just to ask for Domino’s phone number.
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🙂 If history repeats itself, I'm getting a pet dinosaur.
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🙃 Answers are what we have to solve other people's problems.
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LOL has gone from meaning "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say."
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Warning:

Whatever is eating you must be really hungry.
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🙂 Earth is like the insane asylum for the universe.
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I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them.
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I am a great housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
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🙃 Try calling someone just to tell them you can’t talk right now.
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