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I asked my husband why he married me.

He said, 'It was your striking natural beauty."

She said, "I thought it was my witty and intelligent brain."

He said "See, you looked great saying that!"
(3)
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A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink.

“Is everything okay pal?” the bartender asks.

“My wife and I got into a fight and she isn’t talking to me for a month!”

The bartender says, “Well, maybe that’s kind of a good thing. You know,..a little peace and quiet?”

“Yea. But today is the last day!”
(3)
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A married man approaches a woman in the supermarket and says: "I've lost my wife in the aisles... Do you mind if we talk for a while?"

She asks him, "Wouldn't it be better to look for her than to talk to me?"

And the married man answers her: "But it won't be necessary... every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere...".
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There are no funny lawyers – only funny people who made a career mistake.
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A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth.
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The minute you read something that you can’t understand, you can almost be sure that it was drawn up by a lawyer.
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🤪 Only Lawyers and mental defectives are automatically exempt for jury duty.
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The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers. – William Shakespeare
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A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
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There are three sorts of lawyers – able, unable and lamentable.
(1)
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I made a chemistry joke.
There was no reaction.
🥺
(1)
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Chemists 🥰
have all the solutions of course.
(1)
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Without music, car rides would be really awkward.
(2)
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Eyelashes are supposed to keep things from getting into your eyes. But the only thing that keeps getting into my eyes are eyelashes.

It’s eye-ronic.
(3)
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Sorry, I’m late! 
Traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past five years and I was not expecting that.
(3)
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My biggest issue with meetings is that, despite their name, they are rarely about me.
(3)
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Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
(3)
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If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.
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If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
(3)
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After accomplishing a goal just look around to see whether you lost something or someone.
(2)
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Pair up in threes.
(1)
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No one goes there nowadays, it’s too crowded.
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You can observe a lot by just watching.
(1)
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If you got every human on the Planet to join hands in a line around the equator, most of them would drown.
(3)
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🙂 "Anytime I see an autobiography on the shelf I just skip to the about the author section."
(2)
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"A duck's opinion of you is directly correlated to whether or not you have bread."
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"Somebody stole my mood ring, and I don't know how I feel about that."
(5)
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"Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes."
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"It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs."
(2)
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“Choosing a dog may be the only chance you get to pick a relative.”
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