Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!

Wife: If I’d known you were this poor, I’d never have married you. 

Husband: Don’t pretend I didn’t warn you! How many times did I tell you that you’re everything I have?

I tried to re-marry my ex-wife. But she figured out I was only after my money.

What’s the world’s smallest handcuffs? Wedding rings.

Scientists have finally found out what a woman wants. Unfortunately, she changed her mind since then.

Two men were talking about their wives. The first man says, “My wife is an angel.”

The second man says, “You’re lucky! Mine’s still alive.”

My wife said I ruined her birthday;I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!

Husband: Will you marry after I die?

Wife: No, I will live with my sister. Will you marry after I die?

Husband: No, I will also live with your sister.

It’s been raining for days now and my wife seems very depressed by it. She keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let her in.

Wife: I’m not talking to you.

Husband: OK.

Wife: Don’t you want to know the reason?

Husband: No, I respect & trust your decision. 🙂

Wife: Suppose you hit the jackpot of 1 million in a lottery, and the same day someone kidnaps me and demands a ransom of 1 million. What will you do?

Husband: I doubt I can hit the jackpot twice in a day!! 🙂

Wife: Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?

Husband: How can I? I don't even know her.

Grooms, once you get married remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always get the last two words in: "Yes, dear."

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Any Curb Your Enthusiasm fans out there?

I love it!

Not a joke but a funny story that reminded me of an episode from Curb Your Enthusiasm. Hahaha 😝.

My daughter is sick. She went to the doctor. The doctor wrote a few scripts for her and she was able to pick up one of them but the other one wasn’t ready.

She decided to get the second script delivered because she was feeling so funky.

They didn’t deliver it. So, she called them when she was out walking her dog.

She asked them since she was near the pharmacy walking her dog if she could she swing by and get her meds in the drive through.

The pharmacy (Walgreens) said that she could do that.

So, she is walking in the drive through, just like Larry David was walking in the fast food drive through line when his car broke down, LOL 😆.

She gets to the front of the line and then the woman says, “Can you meet me at the back door please because we have a policy that we can’t serve you if you’re not in a car.”

So, she and her dog went to the back door to pick up her script.

She lives a couple of blocks away from the pharmacy which is on a busy street.

Her neighborhood is very walkable. It’s easier to walk than to drive and have to find parking.

Most of the shop owners have water bowls out for the dogs and allow dogs in their shops but not at Walgreens.

All of the owners of the boutiques and coffee shops keep dog treats and invite them in. The owners bring their own dogs to work with them.

Life is short. Eat dessert first!

I need that kinda coffee that's so strong when I take a sip, my ancestors wake up.

I'm too lazy to be a stalker.
You'll have to come here. Bring coffee.

Safety first.
Just kidding, coffee first. Safety is like 3rd or 4th.

Wife: Please say dirty things to me!

Husband: Bath, kitchen, living room…

BOJ, that last one was a bit close to home. DH has gone down south for 8 weeks, and I went on the wagon while he is gone. Hmmmm!

My wife and I were sitting on the patio and she said, "I love you so much. I couldn't imagine my life without you." I said, "Is that you talking or the wine? She said, "That's me talking... to the wine."

A centenarian is asked the secret to long life. He said, “After fifty years of marriage, my wife died and left me alone. Before passing, she said she’d wait for me in the other side.”

A journalist asked a 100 year
old man what was his secret for longevity.

“I don’t argue with idiots,” the man replied.

“What?!” answered the journalist, “There’s no way that’s related to a long life!”

“You’re probably right,” the old man said.

Why is a dog better than your wife ? 

Lock your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car and open it after a bit.

Guess who’ll be happy to see you.

I put a map of the world up and gave my wife a dart and said wherever it lands we will take a two week vacation there.

We are going to spend two weeks under the fridge.

Husband singing along to music.

Me: Who sings this song?

Husband: names artist.

Me: Let’s keep it that way.

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple’s care.

The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, “We’ve arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills.”

Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

This time the wife explains, “Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet.”

The social workers are finally - satisfied - and ask the couple, “What age child are you hoping to adopt?”

The husband says, “It doesn’t really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon.”

A Husband and Wife went shopping together just before Christmas. The wife quickly noticed that her husband was missing, and because they had a lot to do she called him on his cell phone.

After the husband picked up the phone, his wife said, "Where are you, you know we have lots to do!"

He said, "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

Little tears flowed down her cheeks and she got all choked up and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop!!!"

"Well I am in the yoyo shop next door to that.

Wife says to Husband, "Make me feel like a woman!"

Husband takes off shirt, hands it to Wife and says, "Iron that"

An old man is laying in bed, he only has a day or two left. He wakes up to the smell of his favourite thing in the world, chocolate chip cookies baking in the kitchen. So he musters all his energy and pulls himself out of bed and then drags himself down to the kitchen because he can no longer walk. He makes his way into the kitchen and using the last of his strength he reaches for the plate of cookies on the counter and just as he is about to grab one of his prizes his wife slaps his hand away and says, "Don't eat those cookies they're for the funeral!"