Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

I'm going to put a bow around myself and go lay under the tree to remind my family that I'm a gift.

What's red and white, red and white, red and white?
Santa rolling off your roof.

And now the result of the trial of the Advent Calendar thief. He got 25 days.

Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.

I used the best ones first, so these are getting worse!

Why does Santa have three gardens?

So he can hoe, hoe, hoe!

(sorry...)

What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!

Oh Shute, I accidentally clicked "like" on dr robert's posts.

You can tell Santa is a man, because no woman would wear the same outfit every year.

Ever wonder why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs", "Huggies", and "Pampers", while undergarments for old people are called "Depends"?
Well here is the low down on the whole thing:
When babies mess in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em, Hug'em and "Pamper'em.
When old people mess their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will!

What's the most popular Christmas wine.?
"But I don't even LIKE Brussels sprouts!"

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

The outlaws are wanted.

The Sheriffs in our town posted:
"If you see the red and blue lights and think it is
christmas decorations, maybe you should not be driving!"

If you thought they couldn't get worse....

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

Claustrophobic

How did Scrooge win the football game?

The ghost of Christmas passed!

One time when my late mother was much younger (probably my age of almost 72 now) we were flying from Boston to Sacramento, the flight attendant comes by and asks "Would you 3 ladies like a beverage?"-my daughter was with us.
Me-blurts out-"Yes, my mother loves to drink."
[Insert me trying to hide.]

Why is a cat walking on the beach like Christmas?
(They both have Sandy Claws!)

Here's another one:

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? .....

It’s Christmas, Eve!

OK. Here I go, Christmas jokes.

How did Mary and Joseph know Jesus’ weight when he was born?
They had a weigh in a manger!

Buzzybee,
Still here, reading your jokes.

Here is a blue violet just for you,
Keep on doing just what you do
For if a violet is purple
Or if it is blue,
You should know that people appreciate you.!

Roses are red
That part is true
But violets are purple
Not ******* blue

Here is a video about porch pirates that had me laughing out loud - you can just skip all the technical stuff at the beginning:
Package Thief vs. Glitter Bomb Trap

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=1&v=xoxhDk-hwuo

What does the Gingerbread man use to make his bed?

Cookie Sheets :)

Its funny how the colours red, white, and blue represent freedom until they are flashing behind your car.

2 x definitions for you :)

Smile -  A curve that can set many things straight.
and
Tears  - The means by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power.

My greatest acting performance is when I check the caller ID,
then adopt an air of polite curiosity as I answer the phone “Hello?”

Fresh anecdote, from a couple hours ago:
Finnally!
After weeks powering up my characters, I am finally able to beat the game phase that has been the bane of my existence for so long. And right in time, too, It paid off waking up five in the morning, doing the daily game routines and all. if I can finish the boss within the next five minutes, I can pocket the bonus of...
The bell buzzed. My mom, who should be sleeping, is calling.

Oh, well,

Have a nice week, everyone.

Just sharing a smile that has literally just happened.

One of our sons is here and he is skyping/video chatting (not sure which, but he can see her on the monitor) his long distance girlfriend.
She has a free-range tortoise. (wanders the house) Called Charley (Its a girl but what-ever. lol)
She has been preparing for Christmas. That includes Charley.
Tortoise now has a red hat with a white pom-pom. She wanders the house with it on.
Had me in hysterics (I wasn't expecting it) So cute and funny.
My first smile today, so I am sharing it with you.
Buzzy

What is a couch?
A people potato shelf :)

What two things can you never eat for breakfast?



Lunch and Dinner.