Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!

Just had to add this one. ;)

Three doctors are discussing which types of patients they prefer.
Doctor Watson says, ''I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetised.''
Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ''I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.''
Doctor Ahn says, ''I prefer lawyers. They’re gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear-ends are interchangeable.''

Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

Secret to having a long happy marriage of one couple.

They take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home.

The Mrs. goes on Tuesdays; He goes on Fridays.

No offence to those who believe. It is only a little fun.

Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús."

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Center.



After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!



Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.



The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.



"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see



"It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude.



He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch --- watch the watch ---- watch the watch.



The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.

The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.



A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.



They were all hypnotized.



And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!



The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.

"S**T," shouted Claude.



It took them three days to completely clean up the Senior Citizens' Center and Claude was never invited back again.

FrazzledMama very good. :) hahahaha

Sharing a funny that a friend posted on Facebook:

"When I find myself walking through the valley of the shadow of death, I remind myself not to trust Google Maps again."

Trowing this one in earlier than I usually do.

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

Two blondes were trapped in an elevator.
One was crying in the corner and the other one was shouting,
''HELP! HELP!"
Then the one crying had an idea,
''Why don't we shout together?''
"Okay," said the other blonde.

''TOGETHER! TOGETHER!"

I went down the street to a 24-hour grocery store. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey! The sign says you're open 24 hours." He Said, "Yes, but not in a row!"
***********
I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
**************
Boy: The principal is so dumb!

Girl: Do you know who I am?

Boy: No...

Girl: I am the principal's daughter!

Boy: Do you know who I am?

Girl: No...

Boy: Good! *Walks away*
**************

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

Thanks for the laughs everyone! I needed one today.

A wife asked her husband, "Honey, will you still love me when I am old and overweight?"

The man replied, "Yes, I do."

A few years ago my mom with dementia was worried about being buried with her parents about 3 hours away - so I said " no matter what, I'll get you there even if I have to wrap you in a tarp & put you on the roof with some xmas antlers on you & pretend you're a deer", to which she responded "I won't be the departed deer but the dearly departed" & really laughed

FYI ... she told 3 people within 10 minutes & never worried about it again

A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass, to which the husband answered, "What do I look like to you? A landscaper?!" Next time the sink was dripping, she asked him again, "Honey, can you fix the faucet?" The husband replied, "What do I look like to you? A Plumber?!" Two days later, a light bulb went out and she begged him again, "Honey, can you change the light bulb?" His reply was, "What am I? An electrician?!" A few days later, the husband comes home from work to find that the lawn is cut, the faucet is fixed, the light bulb is changed. Very surprised, he says, "Honey, what happened here?" The wife replies, "You know our new next door neighbor? He came over and fixed everything." The husband says, "Honey, how did you pay him?!" "Oh, you know," the wife says, "he told me that I could either bake him a cake or have sex with him." Somewhat relieved the husband asks, "Whew, so what kind of a cake did you bake for him?" The wife replies, "Who do you think I am? Betty Crocker?!"

A husband, who has six children, begins to call his wife “mother of six” rather than by her first name.
The wife, amused at first, chuckles
A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of this.
"Mother of six," he would say, "what’s for dinner tonight? Get me a beer!"
She gets very frustrated.
Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yells out, "Mother of six, I think it's time to go!"
The wife immediately shouts back, "I'll be right with you, father of four!"

After 20 years of having sex in the dark, a woman found out her husband used a dildo to have sex with her. She confronted him: "Explain the dildo to me."

He responded: "Explain the children to me."

An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the centre of the tomb there’s a lamp. She picks it up, and as she starts to rub the dirt off of it, a genie comes out of the lamp and says, “I want to know the person you hate the most.” The explorer says, “That’s gotta be my ex-husband. Why?” “I am a cursed genie. I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex-husband will get double that amount.” “Okay, I wish for a billion dollars.” “Granted, but you ex-husband gets two billion dollars.” “I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything.” “Granted, and your ex-husband gets two." "Now make your final wish.” The explorer walks around for a few minutes, returns to the genie with a stick, and says, “You see this stick? I’d like you to beat me half to death.”

You're probably like me
(Not one to make a fuss)
But I can't stand it when a sentence doesn't end
The way I think it octopus


hehehe just a bit of memory problem

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine. The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better." The husband says he can't feel anything. Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much. The husband says he sill can't feel anything. The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can't feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her. The baby is born. The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.

BuzzyBee,
That's a real "Thinker" of a joke and so true.I think broken bones don't hurt near as much as when someone stomps on my heart~
Thanks for sharing that one~

This one is a little evil, so be prepared. lol

Don't break anybody's heart; they only have 1. Break their bones; they have 206.

lol.
Isthisrealyreal
Now that IS funny. hehehe

I to use the alphabet when confronted with situations.

Indeed, you are correct I am

Beautiful
Intelligent
Talent
Charming and
Happy.

How did you know?

This is a true story:

My girl friend and I were driving from Las Vegas to LA, of course two young friends talking excitedly about the vacation they have just embarked on in my new T-Bird. Boy can that thing drive, I would have never guessed I was going 90 mph, so we get pulled over by highway patrol, I so do not want to start my vacation with a huge ticket.

This big gruff, mean looking patrol man gives me the what for, driving at such speeds kill. 

Me in my most innocent voice, apologizing profusely, I ask if instead of giving me a ticket, would it be okay if I bought a couple of tickets for the policemans ball?

In his gruffest manner, he looked me right in the eyes and said, "Lady, we're Highway Patrol, we don't have balls!"

After he picked up his dropped pen, he walked back to his car and drove off. Never looked our way again.

This was 35 years ago and I still laugh at how I beat that speeding ticket.

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

lol He should have kept his mouth shut (or stopped at the letter 'H')

Johnny was at school and the teacher said, "Someone use fascinate in a sentence."
Sally answered, "The zoo was fascinating."
The teacher said, "Sorry, Sally, I said to use fascinate in a sentence."
Maria suggested, "I was fascinated at the zoo."
Once again the teacher said, "No, Maria, I specifically said to use fascinate in a sentence."
Johnny said, "My sister has ten buttons on her sweater."
Again the teacher said, "Sorry, Johnny, I said use fascinate in a sentence."
Johnny replied, "I know, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."

Here is one for Mother's Day.

A person receives a telegram informing him about his mother-in-law's death. It also inquires whether she should be buried or burnt.

He replies, "Don't take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes."

Ok so this is kind of corny, but I thought it was funny. "What does a nosy pepper do?" It gets jalapeño business.

The young Indian boy had spent most of his life in a quandry.

.. He felt different yet couldn't figure why.

.. he was just so depressed. He went to the Chief for answers.

.. He asked the chief how his brother Red Deer Running had gotten his name.

The chief answered in his typically poetic way.

.."When Red Deer Running was born, at the moment of his birth, the first thing his mother saw was a beautiful deer running off into the forest.

.. and so Running Deer was named. It is the custom of our tribe to name the offspring according to the spirits in nature visiting upon the birth."Then, the boy said to the Chief.

.. And how did my sister "Thundering Bird" get her name? The chief described again, how at the moment of her birth Thundering Bird's mother had heard a roar of thunder and looking up, saw a bird flying in the sky.

The boy asked again, how his cousin "White Crouching Bear" had been given such a name.

.. And the chief, looking down once more at the boy, explaining the traditions of their tribe.

. White Bear's mother had seen a rare white bear crouched over a stream at the moment her baby's birth. Then he asked the boy.

.."Why do you ask, Two Dogs Humping?"