Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!

I did preplanning funeral arrangemets with my mother. I wasn't looking forward to it at all~telling myself "I just can't look at her coffin." When the substitute
funeral director comes out (the regular guy had died abruptly while attending a wedding), he shows us a book of caskets & liners. My late mother~"I think I'll be more comfortable in that one."
Me~"How will you know?"
Insert MUCH LAUGHTER!

Oh, I know, maybe there is something called "casket-sharing".
Sharing spaces is all the rage now, from office space to apartment spaces.

Superstring,
I will let you know when I rent mine.
Anytime now.

re the rental casket: is it cheaper to rent a used one than a new one?

Mentioned on another thread....one can rent a casket now to save on funeral costs.
Has even death become a temporary thing? What next?

Yesterday morning at breakfast he suddenly said (apropos of nothing): "I'm an OLD man, not a young man!"

Funniest thing my Dad ever said....

He had an issue with swallowing for some reason. Can't remember but its a known thing - stress related which made sense at the time.

Anyway, my Dad is well overweight. It would have been months before was malnourished. He could eat but, of course, eating meat was difficult to chew.
GP had told him about 5 times he was fine but he was convinced.

So one day:-

DAD: "I think I'm getting weaker and weaker because I'm not eating"
ME: "Dad you're fine - the GP said so"
DAD: "But I'm not eating any meat, so I'm not getting the goodness and vitamins and its slowly weakening me"
ME: <trying to stop laughing but can't> "Dad its not often you see vegetarians keel over in the street these days!"

Yes, example of my Dads stubborness and refusal to listen to anyone but very funny at the time.

Well, she had done it, in a way!

But after you'd just told all the firemen about it I think you got off pretty lightly with the thermometer. She might've put it somewhere else 😳

Some of the most humorous events occur incident to death. About 15 years ago a friend died in his sleep. After the funeral, a group of good old boys were chatting and one guy said that Jack was lucky the way he died - in his sleep, that’s the best way to go. Paul said, that’s the second best way to go after a moment of silence everybody had a smile on their faces and the group agreed that there was indeed  a better way to die than dying in one’s sleep and because all these guys had the same dirty minds there were no questions or arguments.
 
A few years later,  after a romantic interlude I got up from bed. On the way to the bathroom I fell flat on my face. I immediately knew that I had a stroke and that I might be dying. That didn't trigger thoughts of my wife and family. Instead, I couldn’t wait to tell all the other old guys that I had just died the best way there was.
 
My wife called 911 and the room seemed filled with firemen and paramedics. By that time I was feeling funny. I don’t mean that I was feeling unusual, I mean that I suddenly got a sense of humor.
 
One of the firemen standing over me looked like he was trying to figure out what to do next. At that time I came up with something incredibly stupid, that I seemed to think was funny. I told the firemen who looked like he was lost, “She did it!” I realize now that if I would have died at that time my wife was in a world of hurt. Fortunately, the lost firemen seemed equally perplexed by my dying declaration and possibly not wanting to get involved in a legal matter decided he had heard nothing and just walked away.  
 
I was in the hospital emergency room surrounded by my family and a nurse. I could hear that in the next cubicle was some of the guy who was there for his own emergency. The nurse then reached beyond the curtain into his room and wheels  one of those thermometers and announces that she has to take my temperature.

I may have been pretty sick, but I didn’t feel pretty sick and I watched everything they wanted to do. So when they wheeled in the thermometer, I asked, “Is it clean?”  At that point, my  loving wife grabs the devise and uttered these unforgettable words. “No, they just took it out of the guy's rectum next door here, open up! And with that she shoved it into my mouth. Even I saw the humor in that scene.

Hobo90

and one more for the night...

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments
With her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'Honour thy 
Father and thy mother,' she asked,
'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to
Treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 
'Thou shall not kill..'

This one was sent to me today... I had to share as I've been loving taking breaks to read and laugh out loud...

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school 
After hearing a strong preaching on the devil.
One said to the other, 'What do you think about
All this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how
Santa Claus turned out.
It's probably just your Dad.'

My mother at an expensive restaurant~ "I'll have the clam chowder."
Waiter with white drapped cloth on his arm~ "And for your entree, ma'am?"
Her~ "That will be all." "I don't think he likes me."
Him~ "I like everyone" without smiling.

Insert ~ my mother had a White Russian before that.
Me ~ let me crawl under the table NOW.

Frazzled: My cousin posted that one on social media!

Caregiver - "Johnny are you stealing grandma's candy?"

Johnny- "No, I'm helping her share!"

I know I posted this elsewhere, but...hubby with severe dementia still says phrases that are apt........I said "Do you know how long we've been married? Forty one years!" He says, "Why so long?"

my sides are aching! I read the whole thing over a period of three or four days! I need MORE! Ha ha ha ha...

My late mother said she wanted to go to Ken####y Tied Chicken.

We are dust and will return to dust. That's why I don't dust - it could be someone I know.

"Cool round table. Who built it?"
"Sir Cumference."

My boss told me he was going to fire the person with the worst posture.
I have a hunch that might be me. ;)

More soup.

Diner: Waiter! What's this you've given me?
Waiter: It's bean soup, sir.
Diner: I don't care what it's been, what is it now?

At my mother's funeral home viewing, I got stuck in the very ancient bathroom because it had a VERY ancient lock! I thought I may have to climb out the window, but ALAS---I finally got out of my bathroom prison!

Dr. talking to me:
I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is you have full blown aids. The good news is you have Alzheimer's and won't remember it.

An old lady in an old folks home decided to perk up the two old men sitting in their rocking chairs on the front porch.
So she stripped off all of her clothes and “streaked” in front of them!
Fred: “Did you see that!? It was Bertha, and did you see what she was wearing?!”
Homer: “Not very well, but whatever it was looked like it needed ironing!”

Sending that one on to my daughter, Loren! 😂

What's the difference between popcorn and pea soup?



Anyone can popcorn

Was not going to post for a while but my friend just sent me this one. :)

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night 
together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to do some 
‘horizontal dancing’ with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said, "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could 
not do the ‘wild thing’.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel 
clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from 
under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"

"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"

True story: When my Alz husband refused to wear his CPAP (nighttime breathing machine) I angrily said, "You want me to be a widow?"

His reply: "I want you to be a widow bit nicer!"

hahaha

From a cup mat I bought my hubby.

HOW TO TREAT YOUR HUSBAND
Always kiss him when he goes out and comes in.
Always give him the best chair for watching the television.
Do not ask him where he is going when he steps out at 9.45 pm.
Always have a meal ready for him each evening, and give him what you save out of the housekeeping.
Do all you can for him, and if that does not satisfy him----
Shoot him.

It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot
than to open your mouth and prove it.




Bit like me :s