Many of us (myself included) have strong beliefs about how to get one's parent(s), spouse or other loved one the best care possible.
I believe that one should do what suits best, without being berated or shamed. Much like "stay at home" parents and working parents. What works for you, works for you and your family.
Here's the thing. If you are caring for a loved one at home, you need to make sure that it works FOR YOU as well as for your loved one. I know, personally, too many situations in which a relative was bound and determined to keep a loved one at home. Several of these situations ended in the death of the caregiver before the person cared for. In one case, a suicide which could be directly traced to the caregiving situation.
There are many, many folks here who HAVE made home care work. Their LO's have been able to afford to bring in home health aides; they've gotten respite care. They have, rarely, it seems to me, been able to share caregiving duties with other family members who have the time and inclination to do hands on caregiving. These folks are generous with their tips and advise.
There are those of us who read a posting from someone who sounds desperate; we suggest that "maybe" it's time for a facility. If that doesn't fit with your ethos, then feel free not to take that advice. But please don't tell us that we've "dumped" our loved ones. Having a LO in a facility is an ENORMOUS amount of work. You don't just drop them off at the door and find yourself relieved of responsibility.
I am posting this in the interest of folks who want to discuss this issue. I know what worked for my family, and what didn't.
The rest of you need to make up your own minds.
I refuse to let myself fall into guilt traps and I don't play games.
There are many ways to help a LO that do not include having them in your home or becoming their care slave.
People should know the difference between need and want. Giving someone what they need very often runs contrary to what they want.
It's still the best way to handle any care situation as far as I'm concerned.
I’m glad you are able to not fall in the guilt traps . I’m assuming your work experience in difficult situations has helped make you strong in these matters .
You are correct , wants and needs are different . We don’t get what we want all the time. Perfect example is some children don’t want to go to daycare or school , but we send them anyway . Some can’t or prefer not be home with the elderly , they go to adult daycare or other facilities as well .
Even when a LO is in a facility there is work to be done for them , plus deal with guilt trips that some LO in facilities put on us as well as some get grief from other family members as well . Caregiving can be terrible no matter whether LO lives at home or in a facility.
One of my sisters used to call me up and literally laugh at me and tell me she was glad she wasn’t the one stuck taking care of our parents ( at home ) . I blocked her number. Then when I had to place Mom, that sister wanted in on decision making and told me I was wasting the money in AL . She said it was “ a high priced hotel with meals”.
I am still no contact with her.
I’ve known people who are happy in facilities, or at least acknowledge and accept that is where they need to be.
Just not the ones that I have personally had to place.
You can have the time to care for a loved one
You can have the family support
But if it is not SAFE to care for that person in your home then you have to consider placement.
When I say SAFE.
That is not just safe for the person you are caring for but also safe for you (and or your family)
This is Physical safety as well as mental and emotional safety.
And if you are unable to provide the best care then you may have limited options. (home with caregivers 24/7 or an appropriate facility)
Also many people are not "cut out" to be careGIVERS but they may be great careMANAGERS.
And as Barb put so well that having a LO in a facility is still a LOT of work. You become an advocate, more so than you were if you have been caring for LO in your home or theirs.
You are now dealing with an entire facility of staff, residents and other visitors that factor into your LO's life.
Just as each person with dementia or other illness is an individual your decision to keep someone at home or place them in an appropriate facility for their level of care needs is an individual one.
Let no one bully you, shame you or "guilt" you for making the decision that you make.
We went through that with my mom. Many of us were born and raised in the United States, but our family back home is not pleased we placed my mother. It goes against what family does in their eye's. I also have Korean friend that his parents are going through what I am going through. His grandpa was moved in and it is just expected for everyone to assist with the caring. It was not even asked, it was just done. You can see how it is impacting their family but cultural obligations are deeply rooted.
I do hope with time people understand that it is okay to put yourself first.
I'd like to expand on what Burnt said earlier, about the assumptions people make about finances when an adult child and their parent live together. I know there were people in my extended family - my aunt (mom's sister) and her children for instance - who were convinced that I had my mom living with me and my family to pay our bills. She actually said as much to my mom once, who laughed at her - and explained to my aunt that, not only did my mother NOT pay our bills, but mom lived with us rent-free. I'm sure that made my aunt pea-green with envy.
I felt that charging my mom rent was not fair for a few reasons - first and foremost, she paid to have her upstairs apartment completely renovated, down to a total gut of both kitchen and bathroom. This will greatly increase the value of my home when the time comes that we look to sell it and move. She also babysat for us *all the time* when DH and I were working, including the entire time after 9/11 where we were at work for 14-16 hours a day, basically only coming home to take a shower and get a few hours' sleep. My DH and I felt that between both of those things, we at the very least broke even if we had had to pay for those things while collecting rent from mom. In addition, she paid all of her own utilities and contributed for groceries. She also paid 1/3 of my property taxes, since she felt she was living in 1/3 of the house.
But I know there were people who believed that we "kept" mom because we couldn't swing things financially any other way.
Many of us have tried to keep LO at home but realize it became unsafe .
Asking for help
Accepting help.
If you can do both of those it will ease your burden.
I agree with your statement.. " One should do what suits best." Not everyone's situation is the same. In my case, I'm an only child and I have no one to share responsibility. I know that there are people who think I should not work and be a full time caregiver. But those people are also probably unlikely to help if I needed them. I have mentioned extra help to my dad and he never responds. I can understand that he may not want someone he does not know in his home but I can not continue to do it all especially with my new job. I do not think that people are "dumping" their loved ones when they have to go to an assisted living facility. It is so that they can have the best care. I have also heard of stories of caregivers who became sick themselves because they were over worked. At the end of the day, as you said, one should do what suits best.
There are nurses, aides, activity people, drives, cooks, cleaners, doctors on reg visits, PTs, OTs, etc, etc.. in many facilities.
For one person, even with respite it is almost impossible to provide that level of care.
Many caregivers have one thing in common, they come from abusive homes/ relationships. Are we are better at taking care of others than ourselves? Or is it natural selection or obligation or being drawn in some ways to people who need care?
Compassion and understanding should be essential for being a good caregiver, except if we did not receive those how can we acquire those qualities?
I do believe many of us who went thru hard times as children or adults and somehow become caregivers are resilient and survive and thrive against all odds.
Except it is quite obvious most have a breaking point.