My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.
It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.
Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.
Have a blessed day
jeanne - you are doing very well and it is all normal
lisa -so sorry about ray -but I like his attitude -what huge changes in a year -from one end to the emotional range to the other
hugs to all -I am off to bed Joan
And ladies, rays cancer has returned. His numbers are worse than they were. I can't help thinking they just didn't get it all. He will be starting chemo again in January. We all held our breath, because he has said last time that's it. But he told Doug the simplevtruth is, " your mom needs me here. She's taken care of me our whole life together. Now she needs me to take care of her." for the first time since his health and marys has turned, he actually asked me if I can make certain meals. He wants my homemade veggie beef soups, chicken soup. Those two settled well with his stomach last time. So I'll get started on them and freeze portion size bowls in their freezer after Christmas. We are so scared. In just one year our lives has changed for the very very best, and at the same time we've been smacked with some hard realities. It would help a lot if dougs brother would step in and help with all they need, but ya know what? It is what it is. No changing him, but I still love him as we all do. I just think that some people just aren't wired to face certain trials in life. His fears are hard for him to face. Love you gals sooooo much! Lisa
the way you are presented changes a little. My friend and SIL's all lost their spouses to cancer, after the depression of the loss they became the fun loving person again. I believe that our spouses enhanses us but they don't make us.
What I don't like is the labeling that goes with the loss. God Bless and have a wonderful holiday with your family.
Is this really common? What has your experience been with the widows and widowers in your families?
I have written to AG and requested a title change to "Losing a Spouse Can Cause Personality Changes." I sure hope it isn't mandatory!
I know that conventional wisdom says holidays are the worst times for the recently bereaved. That must be true in many cases, maybe most. What I experienced when Dad died was a little different. My family of origin is large and when we get together there are 20 to 30 people and lots of little kids (it used to be our kids and now its our grandchildren). There is so much happy chaos that there really isn't time or energy to miss one particular person. So holidays weren't the worst times. When my sister held a cribbage tournament then it was sad to not hear his funny exclamations. When I'd see something in a store and think how much he'd like that then I'd be sad. Or when I'd have a meal that he really liked.
Back when plans were being made I told the kids to go ahead with whatever suited them and not to count on me, that I had no idea what our situation would be. They picked Dec 24 as the get-together date but they were having a hard time finding a place large enough. (Places we've used in the past were booked.) After Coy died I told them we could hold the party here as long as I didn't have to do a lot of prep. If they wanted decorations they could put some up, just as they would in a rented space. They are bringing finger foods and it will be a game-night party, focusing on camaraderie rather than food or presents. This part of my family is also large. I expect there will be 30 people or more (depending on who brings friends). That will certainly keep my thoughts distracted!
I think that things would be very, very different if this had been a sudden unexpected death -- if Coy and been healthy and died in a car accident, say. (I doubt I'd be able to write coherently in less than 3 weeks after the death.) But I have done my mourning over 9 years. Each holiday I wondered if it would be our last with him. It may be harder for the grandkids this year since they wouldn't have had quite the same perspective. So we'll see what unfolds, but I'm not expecting that the next few weeks will be the hardest time. (It is all hard.)
I'm pretty sure that Coy won't be the elephant in the room. Of course his passing was expected and very different than Gordie's.
All of us who are grieving this year have to do it in our own ways. May we each find comfort in doing what needs to be done.
Hugs to all.
(((((((marylee))))) . Is your dad in hospital? Have you spoken to the doctors, and or social workers about doing a thorough evaluation of his needs and ability to live alone? Document what has happened and share it with them. I agreed with this disease being demonic, but I would not include that in your documentation. Be objective about what you write down, and show that your dad's behaviours are getting worse, and that he cannot care for himself. Earlier, you mentioned feces. If he cannot care for his bathroom needs, he certainly needs help. Document that. If he is increasingly emotionally abusive to your mum and other family members, document that. Again, be objective in what you write down. Please rein in your emotions as much as you can when you are talking to the professionals. I believe that you will get more cooperation if you are calm. If you anticipate an emotional scene there is more likely to be one – self-fulfilling prophecy. You are advocating for your mum, and for your dad. I know the "hurt child" in you comes to the fore, but if you can assure that hurt child, that you, the adult have decided to stop the abuse to you (which you say you have), and that you are keeping "hurt child" safe, then, as the adult you can do your job as advocate. Is your brother and/or other family members involved in advocating? Work out between you who is the best one to represent the issues and needs. Breath deep, decide to be calm, do the best you can, and anticipate success. There is a solution - keep pressing for it. ((((((hugs)))) and come back and let us know how it goes. Joan
Good morning all! At least it is +3 and not a minus number here. The deer were on the lawn again looking for tender shoots. My cedar has been trimmed again. The snow removal crews have been working since last night ( not sure if they took a break) and there is a huge windrow of dirty snow in the middle of the street that will be removed eventually. Off to get my thyroid checked today. I am wondering if it is high, considering that I am up and at it, before finishing my first coffee. ;-)
Some good news. As well as mother giving me the number of her friend so I can find out about this move, my dd, has invited us to join them and others for supper after Christmas. I obtained tickets for "The Buddy Holly" story, and we will leave for the south from their house for a couple of days in E'town and the dinner theatre. Hopefully we can arrange a Christmas visit to mother too.
Thinking of everyone.
Cat, I know this Christmas will bring up many memories for you, and some "missing".
Jude, do some good things for you - just for you. Not your kids , not your mum, nor anyone else - just for you. You deserve that.
Kimbee - I miss you!! Hope you are managing well. I know you are terribly busy.
Jeanne, I know this Christmas will be very different for you without your beloved Coy. Have you something planned? I remember the first Christmas without Gordie. He was the elephant in the room that no one would look at. I think you will do better than that.
austin - having that tragedy so close to you must make it harder, and you are still grieving over your mum's death. No matter how negative the relationship has been, there is still grief to deal with.
Everyone - love, hugs and prayers, and have a good day. Joan
((((((((austin))))))) that would be hard -very hard
marylee - welcome - I am Christian too, and do not believe we have to stay and take abuse. Sounds like a very difficult situation. Have you contacted Social Services, and/or been able to talk to their doctor(s)? It sounds like something has to change. It does sound like APS is failing in their duty. Can you go up a level or two? Could you contact a lawyer who specializes in seniors issues - especially senior abuse? Wishing you some progress in this very difficult matter. ((((((hugs)))))
After she was with us a couple of years, we found out she had a brain tumor, and she passed away a year or so later. Of course then we all felt guilty about not being more understanding.
Years later, I had to assume responsibility for both my parents who had to go into the nursing home. They shared a room. Mother was bedridden and blind. Dad was more mobile but rather frail. They were great parents and once they turned things over to me, they never questioned a decision I made. Dad lived two and Mother five years after they went into the nursing home. During the last year of my mother's life, my older brother became ill and was in and out of the hospital and the nursing home. He had never been married so I had to assume his affairs also. While I never had to care for them physically, I had to take care of their financial affairs and make all their medical decisions. Some of those were very trying. I could have used a site like this at that time. I could have used a KAW group during that time.
My husband had asked for a divorce after 42 years of marriage and so I often felt very alone. My only sister had passed away years before and before my brother became ill, he was no help at all. But all that is for another time.
Thanks for letting me tell my story. It is mild compared to what some of you have gone through, but I know a caregiver's life is like minor surgery. Something is only minor when it happens to someone else.
Do I need to say that I've never coded my gift packages again? Ho-ho-ho!
sharyn - your potato pancake version sounds yummy too
(((((Lisa))))) another shit storm coming - you know it. As long as DQ is on this earth there will be another one. Glad Ray's surgery went well and he got to go shopping. One year I used red and white plastic Safeways bags, put the gifts in, tied them up and, literally, threw them under the tree. No one minded. I was exhausted that year and couldn't face the wrapping. I am old now so I just send money!.I am sure you will plan everything well. Sounds like quite a three ring circus. It is good of you to make special arrangements for Mary -she does need them. Xmas Eve breakfast sounds good. Great that your niece and nephew are included.
I know what you mean about that gut feeling that your mum is about to start flinging it around again, and Xmas would be the time. - For people like her - anything to get attention on her, and upset everyone else. .I think that is what got me yesterday - mother is just too calm about this upcoming move. I know the shit will hit the fan sometime, and Christmas will likely be one of the times. Today, she did give me her friend's phone number, so I can find out what is going on. Prepare yourself to keep your distance no matter what happens. At least she is not in your home now, so you can enjoy that.
cat - so much for my cooking. G called and has an evening meeting, so I haven't done much more to the moose, or the ham bone. They are well cooked, and will keep. I will do up some stew with the moose tonight so he has some to take with him tomorrow. Good enough!
Everyone -let us know how you are
Love and ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) Joan
KAW: ray had his forehead cancer recovered today. Piece of cake. Out by noon. So he asked Doug if he would take him to shop for marys Xmas. Soooo, more gifts here to wrap. I need to get started or I'll have to give them the bags they were packed in. I'm trying to plan Xmas eve where all my nieces and nephews will be out of here by 6 so we can bring ray and Mary over. No way can Mary handle that many. Last year she was okay with the crowd. I thought of having our day started earlier this year with a Xmas eve breakfast and we can all make the snacks together. It's been rough these past few years making sure they have plenty of gifts under the tree. One niece will take her teenage daughters to their dads and I'll have her come back over. Same with a nephew that comes for dinner every Thursday. They have absolutely no family to go to except us. The family has been kind enough to have us extend the surprise Xmas morning breakfast at ray and marys to include them. I'll get it figured out. I always do. I have that gut feeling again that mom is about to pull a shit storm blizzard by Xmas to ruin it for me. Last 2 I darn near packed all and headed to pil's. Hmmmm...not my problem, not my problem... Love you guys!