Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
Hearing aid recommendation for person with dementia?
It's not easy to get used to the differences in sounds when new hearing aids are introduced, so some of your answer depends on the... It's not easy to get used to the differences in sounds when new hearing aids are introduced, so some of your answer depends on the stage of the person who needs them.
As was mentioned, hearing better would help significantly if the person can adjust. Sadly, there's no way to know ahead of time. I'm hoping that some of these responses helped you.
Carol see more
As was mentioned, hearing better would help significantly if the person can adjust. Sadly, there's no way to know ahead of time. I'm hoping that some of these responses helped you.
Carol see more
Question
What are my options once long term care runs out in another year?
This is a tough time for you, but you'll have to move forward with the work. As community members have mentioned, you'll need to... This is a tough time for you, but you'll have to move forward with the work. As community members have mentioned, you'll need to pull together financial records for the last five years and check into Medicaid even though you may not be ready to use it yet. If you have substantial assets, then I'd suggest that you see an elder law attorney who knows your state's Medicaid laws well. There are quite a few differences from one state to another even though there are generalities that apply overall.
We're wishing you the best on your difficult journey. Keep in touch when you can.
Carol see more
We're wishing you the best on your difficult journey. Keep in touch when you can.
Carol see more
Question
I have been a full-time caregiver for my parents for less than a week and I already feel overwhelmed.
WerdNord, you've made a huge decision with the best intentions, but now is the time to set up help. Go to www.aging.gov and find your... WerdNord, you've made a huge decision with the best intentions, but now is the time to set up help.
Go to www.aging.gov and find your state's resources. Look for The National Family Caregiver Support Program (it may have a slightly different name) and see what support they have to offer. Your local Area Agency on Aging should also be on the list. Keep checking into your community resources to see what you can do so you don't become bogged down in something that you can't handle.
We'd love to hear back from you as you settle in, and remember that your health is a priority for everyone's good.
Carol see more
Go to www.aging.gov and find your state's resources. Look for The National Family Caregiver Support Program (it may have a slightly different name) and see what support they have to offer. Your local Area Agency on Aging should also be on the list. Keep checking into your community resources to see what you can do so you don't become bogged down in something that you can't handle.
We'd love to hear back from you as you settle in, and remember that your health is a priority for everyone's good.
Carol see more
Question
I am burned out. What do I do?
MsPatS, you aren't awful to feel that way. It's human, when we see our future in such a bleak way. Medicaid allows spousal benefits... MsPatS, you aren't awful to feel that way. It's human, when we see our future in such a bleak way.
Medicaid allows spousal benefits so you won't be left without anything. You need guidance on how to best spend down - or in some cases, protect - your assets. I'd suggest a local elder law attorney.
Yes, a consultation will cost money, but if you are careful to find someone who truly knows your state's Medicaid laws, you can get a lot of help and some of your anxiety will be taken care of. The unknown if often worse than the known.
I hope that you can get the information that you need.
Take care,
Carol see more
Medicaid allows spousal benefits so you won't be left without anything. You need guidance on how to best spend down - or in some cases, protect - your assets. I'd suggest a local elder law attorney.
Yes, a consultation will cost money, but if you are careful to find someone who truly knows your state's Medicaid laws, you can get a lot of help and some of your anxiety will be taken care of. The unknown if often worse than the known.
I hope that you can get the information that you need.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
I am the widow of a Korean war veteran. Do I qualify for any veteran widow benefits?
It is a good idea to get some help, as was suggested, but be very careful when doing this. There are scam sites that will charge you and... It is a good idea to get some help, as was suggested, but be very careful when doing this. There are scam sites that will charge you and not do what you need - or worse. Check with your local veterans representative officer and ask for guidance. Good luck. You deserve some help. Our Korean veterans are often forgotten in all of the press about people who have served our country.
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Carol see more
Question
My very elderly Dad is done living. What can I do?
LindaSusan, if you are speaking of yourself, unless your are dying from an illness where there is no cure, I'd encourage you to talk... LindaSusan, if you are speaking of yourself, unless your are dying from an illness where there is no cure, I'd encourage you to talk with a counselor or spiritual leader - anyone - about why you feel this way.
A crisis center can help. People who feel that there is reason to keep on can start enjoying life more eventually. They often need help in the transition. This is different from some of is in the last weeks of a disease. Please do reach out to someone local so you can talk it out.
Blessings,
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A crisis center can help. People who feel that there is reason to keep on can start enjoying life more eventually. They often need help in the transition. This is different from some of is in the last weeks of a disease. Please do reach out to someone local so you can talk it out.
Blessings,
Carol see more
Question
What happens when an elder is admitted to the hospital with low sodium levels?
A frustration of mine is the huge push to lower salt in the US diet without the caveat that many seniors have low sodium which can cause... A frustration of mine is the huge push to lower salt in the US diet without the caveat that many seniors have low sodium which can cause major health issues and even lead to death.
Even nursing homes are (in most states) using low salt diets because of the few people who have salt sensitive blood pressure and the one size fits all idea that people need less salt.
I'd love to know how many seniors ( a percentage) who are otherwise healthy but have low sodium so they are being treated with drugs for their health issues which could be simply caused by low sodium. Good doctors take note of this in physical exams.
I believe that there are salt tablets doctors can prescribe when necessary, but unless there are many complicating factors, food (with actual salt) can take care of much of this.
The push to hydrate can cause over hydration, too. Hydration is vital - but there is a limit, which again is different for different people.
My point is that our seniors need their sodium monitored. One size does not fit all when it comes to sodium or fluids.
It's wonderful to see the input on this site by all of you who've witnessed various situations. I'm so proud of all of you!
Carol see more
Even nursing homes are (in most states) using low salt diets because of the few people who have salt sensitive blood pressure and the one size fits all idea that people need less salt.
I'd love to know how many seniors ( a percentage) who are otherwise healthy but have low sodium so they are being treated with drugs for their health issues which could be simply caused by low sodium. Good doctors take note of this in physical exams.
I believe that there are salt tablets doctors can prescribe when necessary, but unless there are many complicating factors, food (with actual salt) can take care of much of this.
The push to hydrate can cause over hydration, too. Hydration is vital - but there is a limit, which again is different for different people.
My point is that our seniors need their sodium monitored. One size does not fit all when it comes to sodium or fluids.
It's wonderful to see the input on this site by all of you who've witnessed various situations. I'm so proud of all of you!
Carol see more
Question
Where can my wife call for assistance dealing with her mother (75) who is living with us?
Check the website aging.gov - make certain to use .gov. You'll find a link to your state's services. Once you find your state you... Check the website aging.gov - make certain to use .gov. You'll find a link to your state's services. Once you find your state you should see a long list of services (more in some states than others, sadly). Each state does have some version of the National Family Caregiver Support Program, though even that has different names in different states. Sometime I feel like it's planned complications, but that's how it is. Aging.gov is the first national resource portal cargivers and seniors have had so I'm a huge fan. I hope that by trying the various resources available in your state, including your local Area Agency on Aging, your wife can find ways to get some assistance and advice.
Good luck and thanks for caring so much about your wife.
Carol see more
Good luck and thanks for caring so much about your wife.
Carol see more
Question
Does the person have to have some type of dementia or can there be other health factors that enables someone t...
States vary on this but generally a person must be mentally impaired before guardianship can be granted. The point of someone needing... States vary on this but generally a person must be mentally impaired before guardianship can be granted. The point of someone needing guardianship is that he or she cannot make decisions for their own good based on their mental capacity.
Do check into your state laws, though, if you think that this step is necessary. Be aware that it's not easy (nor should it be) to gain guardianship over an adult. It's also expensive (in most cases).
Take care,
Carol see more
Do check into your state laws, though, if you think that this step is necessary. Be aware that it's not easy (nor should it be) to gain guardianship over an adult. It's also expensive (in most cases).
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
My mom has not ate in sometime and drinks mighty shakes and chocolate milk. Now won't drink shakes.
I'm sorry that you're having to go through this but you have lots of company here. Please call in hospice. And, as Grandma1954... I'm sorry that you're having to go through this but you have lots of company here.
Please call in hospice. And, as Grandma1954 said, do not go for a feeding tube. That only prolongs this natural phase of the death process and adds to suffering (under the conditions that you describe). It's time for acceptance and help with the process to control any suffering that could occur. That generally means hospice.
Take care of yourself, too,
Carol see more
Please call in hospice. And, as Grandma1954 said, do not go for a feeding tube. That only prolongs this natural phase of the death process and adds to suffering (under the conditions that you describe). It's time for acceptance and help with the process to control any suffering that could occur. That generally means hospice.
Take care of yourself, too,
Carol see more
Question
Is it wrong to hope someone dies?
Veronica said it well. It's not so much that you want your mom to die - you want all of the suffering to end. Your mom's - and your... Veronica said it well. It's not so much that you want your mom to die - you want all of the suffering to end. Your mom's - and your own. Enlisting the aid of hospice care could be one of the best things you've ever done if you haven't tried it, yet, Jozzie.
We are with you on this. Take care,
Carol see more
We are with you on this. Take care,
Carol see more
Question
We took away my 85-year-old mother's car keys and she is no longer speaking to me. What should I do?
Losing the right to drive is one of the most traumatic things elders face because, for many, driving symbolizes independence. It's... Losing the right to drive is one of the most traumatic things elders face because, for many, driving symbolizes independence. It's terribly hard for family members to stay strong, but this could be about life and death. Sympathy, empathy and the offer of helping with alternative transportation is essential.
The community has providing some wonderful insight in this thread. I hope that many read this through.
Carol see more
The community has providing some wonderful insight in this thread. I hope that many read this through.
Carol see more
Question
How can I get my father to admit he can't live alone?
Your reclusive father likely finds living in a family environment overwhelming. It's not that he doesn't like you - he's an... Your reclusive father likely finds living in a family environment overwhelming. It's not that he doesn't like you - he's an introvert who finds his peace from within. It's hard to have that kind of alone time in a family setting. For someone his age who is used to alone time, it's extra hard. There's nothing "wrong" with wanting to be alone unless the person doesn't like being alone.
He does need someone to check on him, so assisted living may be an answer. Talk with him about the fact that you understand his need for more privacy and that maybe you should help him find a way to live where he can have that but still have a meal or two provided and someone to check to make certain that he's okay. This kind of living would also provide him with company when he wants it.
Best wishes,
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He does need someone to check on him, so assisted living may be an answer. Talk with him about the fact that you understand his need for more privacy and that maybe you should help him find a way to live where he can have that but still have a meal or two provided and someone to check to make certain that he's okay. This kind of living would also provide him with company when he wants it.
Best wishes,
Carol see more
Question
What help is available for my veteran father (87) coming home from VA hospital with Alzheimer's and dementia?
As was mentioned, Agingcare has a good booklet on veteran's benefits. Click on the Veterans Benefits Guide below under free resources.... As was mentioned, Agingcare has a good booklet on veteran's benefits. Click on the Veterans Benefits Guide below under free resources.
I know getting help is slow which is terribly hard on people who need help now. Hopefully a combination of talking with the discharge person and following advice in the guide will help you.
Take care,
Carol see more
I know getting help is slow which is terribly hard on people who need help now. Hopefully a combination of talking with the discharge person and following advice in the guide will help you.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Mom is in assisted living and fell in love with a man who has Alzheimer's. Now what?
It sounds as if your mother has dementia, as well. She likely doesn't think of her marriage as such - it's just an inconvenience... It sounds as if your mother has dementia, as well. She likely doesn't think of her marriage as such - it's just an inconvenience when she remembers it at all.
This is hard for you to handle but it's not likely it will go farther than this fantasy/flirtatious stage so the only real harm it will do is if her husband understands what is happening.
Yes, this is an interesting post for sure! Keep us posted on how you are doing since you are likely the one with the biggest headaches.
Take care,
Carol see more
This is hard for you to handle but it's not likely it will go farther than this fantasy/flirtatious stage so the only real harm it will do is if her husband understands what is happening.
Yes, this is an interesting post for sure! Keep us posted on how you are doing since you are likely the one with the biggest headaches.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Does new POA override old DPOA powers?
Guardianship gives you more control but it's not a fun process. I'd check with an elder law attorney if you aren't sure what... Guardianship gives you more control but it's not a fun process. I'd check with an elder law attorney if you aren't sure what you need.
Good luck,
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Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
How has caregiving changed your views of life and aging?
Things have changed and that's what so many who aren't caregivers don't understand. I do not want to have my children do what... Things have changed and that's what so many who aren't caregivers don't understand. I do not want to have my children do what I've done. I hope that I opt for a nursing home and that they visit me when they can but I do not want to have their lives controlled by my decline.
That being said, I don't regret what I've done and am doing - I doubt that I would have made other choices. So it's a puzzle. But times change and situations change. We who've devoted ourselves to caregiving know what it takes and we want the best for our kids. I think that most of us know that providing constant care for us is not in their best interest. This is a great discussion!
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That being said, I don't regret what I've done and am doing - I doubt that I would have made other choices. So it's a puzzle. But times change and situations change. We who've devoted ourselves to caregiving know what it takes and we want the best for our kids. I think that most of us know that providing constant care for us is not in their best interest. This is a great discussion!
Carol see more
Question
My Father won't bathe and I have to ask him day in and day out. Now what?
Has your dad been diagnosed with dementia? It sounds like that is likely however some situations so mimic dementia. Try to get him to a... Has your dad been diagnosed with dementia? It sounds like that is likely however some situations so mimic dementia. Try to get him to a doctor just for advice and a diagnosis. You can write the doctor a letter ahead of the appointment so that he or she is aware of your concerns. That helps the doctor plan for the appointment and makes it less likely that you will have to say disturbing things in front of your dad.
As others have suggested, a home health agency can send a person just for bathing. Daughters bathing fathers can sometimes be tricky and he may do better with a "nurse" (as the older generation often views these people) to help.
Lack of cleanliness itself isn't the issue - he won't die from that. It's the combination of issues that concerns me.
I hope that you can find some help.
Carol see more
As others have suggested, a home health agency can send a person just for bathing. Daughters bathing fathers can sometimes be tricky and he may do better with a "nurse" (as the older generation often views these people) to help.
Lack of cleanliness itself isn't the issue - he won't die from that. It's the combination of issues that concerns me.
I hope that you can find some help.
Carol see more
Question
Is visiting helpful or not?
Warren, you wife's situation is a little different than say, someone with dementia going into a nursing home but all the same, I... Warren, you wife's situation is a little different than say, someone with dementia going into a nursing home but all the same, I believe that you are likely helping her and the staff would tell you if you should back off. Talk with the doctor about this. If he or she thinks you visit too much you'll be told.
However, you do have to consider yourself, as well. This is for the long haul and if your physical or emotional health breaks down you will both suffer. You need to take some time for yourself and do what you enjoy - guilt free.
Try to find a balance that is best for your wife and still gives you breathing room. I can only think that your visits are helpful in that people can easily feel abandoned if they don't see people they love. But every day may not be the best.
Talk with your spiritual leader if you feel that would help.
Again, balance is what it's about. Take care of yourself and you are taking care of your wife.
Carol see more
However, you do have to consider yourself, as well. This is for the long haul and if your physical or emotional health breaks down you will both suffer. You need to take some time for yourself and do what you enjoy - guilt free.
Try to find a balance that is best for your wife and still gives you breathing room. I can only think that your visits are helpful in that people can easily feel abandoned if they don't see people they love. But every day may not be the best.
Talk with your spiritual leader if you feel that would help.
Again, balance is what it's about. Take care of yourself and you are taking care of your wife.
Carol see more
Husband shouting at night while awake?
Some melatonin may help as well though you may want to give his primary doctor a call before you try it.
I hope that you'll check back in with us for an update.
Take care,
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