Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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How do I deal with siblings not providing support?
Rachel, you need to get your mother (and probably yourself) on Medicaid, if you aren't already. Please call you county social services... Rachel, you need to get your mother (and probably yourself) on Medicaid, if you aren't already. Please call you county social services for a welfare check on you and your mom. They will get the wheels in motion.
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How do I deal with siblings not providing support?
Dimsie, you are right that one size doesn't fit all. There are many families - and you read about them here - where taking the parent... Dimsie, you are right that one size doesn't fit all. There are many families - and you read about them here - where taking the parent into the home is a bad idea from the beginning and doesn't work out at all. All care centers aren't bad.
You can help in many ways without having them live with you.
People who have jobs out side of the home (most of us) would be leaving the elder alone, if they don't hire help.
When it works, it's great. But if often doesn't make sense, or if people try it, they often regret it. So, moving parents into your home has to be carefully thought over. How much room is there? Can people have privacy? How about personalities?
A caregiver is still a caregiver, even if the person they are caring for is in a care center. I can't say strongly enough that the elder needs an advocate and to still be connected to family (barring abusive situations).
I had seven elders to contend with, and had all kinds of arrangements. But I saw each of them every day, whereever they were (not all seven were alive at the same time. This stretched over two decades).
Anyway, each situation is different. You put it well.
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You can help in many ways without having them live with you.
People who have jobs out side of the home (most of us) would be leaving the elder alone, if they don't hire help.
When it works, it's great. But if often doesn't make sense, or if people try it, they often regret it. So, moving parents into your home has to be carefully thought over. How much room is there? Can people have privacy? How about personalities?
A caregiver is still a caregiver, even if the person they are caring for is in a care center. I can't say strongly enough that the elder needs an advocate and to still be connected to family (barring abusive situations).
I had seven elders to contend with, and had all kinds of arrangements. But I saw each of them every day, whereever they were (not all seven were alive at the same time. This stretched over two decades).
Anyway, each situation is different. You put it well.
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How do I deal with siblings not providing support?
In general, our parents to the best they can with what they have and what they know. I try to remember that and remind others of that, as... In general, our parents to the best they can with what they have and what they know. I try to remember that and remind others of that, as well.
You seem to have adjusted to many things and your family is thriving, as well. Your attitutude is wonderful. Sometimes the way we look at things makes a huge difference.
Blessings,
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You seem to have adjusted to many things and your family is thriving, as well. Your attitutude is wonderful. Sometimes the way we look at things makes a huge difference.
Blessings,
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How do I deal with siblings not providing support?
What an uplifting note! Thanks for writing. When this kind of care is possible, it's wonderful for all. Not everyone can care for an... What an uplifting note! Thanks for writing. When this kind of care is possible, it's wonderful for all.
Not everyone can care for an elder at home, but even when the parent is in a care center, they are part of the team, and the security of having an adult child in charge of their care is a great gift.
Take care and thanks so much for writing. Keep us posted.
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Not everyone can care for an elder at home, but even when the parent is in a care center, they are part of the team, and the security of having an adult child in charge of their care is a great gift.
Take care and thanks so much for writing. Keep us posted.
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Is there someone out there to take care of me?
Yes, it makes sense. You aren't losing your love for him, but you are so tired of doing it all. You are human.
Carol
Carol
Question
Is there someone out there to take care of me?
Take care, Miak. Sometimes you have to just detach from it all, and it sounds like you don't have much choice but to ignore your... Take care, Miak. Sometimes you have to just detach from it all, and it sounds like you don't have much choice but to ignore your sister's comments. It's hard. Keep coming back and talking.
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Is there someone out there to take care of me?
Those falls are awful. My mother had a wrist alarm and lived in her own apartment for several years. I was getting calls all the time from... Those falls are awful. My mother had a wrist alarm and lived in her own apartment for several years. I was getting calls all the time from the dispatcher (at night). Finally, we had to move her to a nursing home, as she wasn't safe at home.
Falls often do come from weakness (chemo) or other medications that can be adjusted. Let's hope they can help you with this.
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Falls often do come from weakness (chemo) or other medications that can be adjusted. Let's hope they can help you with this.
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Is there someone out there to take care of me?
You gave an eloquent answer. I appreciate your wisdom (hard earned, to be sure) and know others do, as well.
Carol
Carol
Question
Is there someone out there to take care of me?
Lindam, your words are from a wise person who has lived and learned a lot. No one can walk in anothers shoes. Many adult children must make... Lindam, your words are from a wise person who has lived and learned a lot. No one can walk in anothers shoes. Many adult children must make choices about how (or how not) to care for a parent who didn't care for them. Also, we caregivers must learn to set some boundaries, even with the parents we love, or it can kill us. We can't forget that over 30% of the caregivers die before those they are caring for. That's not the way it should go.
I know several people who simply cannot be there to care for a parent who was abusive to them. If they can get help to deal with the hate, and let go of guilt, that is good for their own health. Often, they can often step in enough to see that the parent is cared for in other ways. But not everyone can give hands-on care to a parent.
Thanks for your kindness and wisdom.
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I know several people who simply cannot be there to care for a parent who was abusive to them. If they can get help to deal with the hate, and let go of guilt, that is good for their own health. Often, they can often step in enough to see that the parent is cared for in other ways. But not everyone can give hands-on care to a parent.
Thanks for your kindness and wisdom.
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Is there someone out there to take care of me?
As Tracy says, you are not a horrible person. You are a good person dealing with a huge amount of stress. Please keep talking, get as much... As Tracy says, you are not a horrible person. You are a good person dealing with a huge amount of stress. Please keep talking, get as much help as you can, and let your husband know you need help. You are carrying three jobs - the farm, your other job and your mother-in-law. She is no doubt miserable since her husband died, but you can't let her kill your health. Have they tried antidepressants for her? That may help her, but it's tricky to get the right one. It's something to talk to her doctor about.
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How do I deal with siblings not providing support?
Children can be raised the same, but personalities are so different. I believe there is a certain personality that takes on the caregiving... Children can be raised the same, but personalities are so different. I believe there is a certain personality that takes on the caregiving role - though sometimes there is an only adult child or it falls to the one who lives closest. Even then, there's almost always someone who is "it." There are rewards, though sometimes they are hard to see. Doing the right thing for one's parents, when possible, generally leaves good feelings once they are gone.
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Question
How do we, as caregivers, take care of ourselves?
Good enough has to be our mantra, whether it's housekeeping chores or trying to make someone happy who can't be "made"... Good enough has to be our mantra, whether it's housekeeping chores or trying to make someone happy who can't be "made" happy. We do our best, and that's all we can do. Sometimes, that's even the case, financially.
Sunshinecaregiver said it well with "Is it a matter of life and death?" Sometimes, perspective is everything.
Hang in everyone. The holidays present many challenges.
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Sunshinecaregiver said it well with "Is it a matter of life and death?" Sometimes, perspective is everything.
Hang in everyone. The holidays present many challenges.
Carol see more
Question
How do we, as caregivers, take care of ourselves?
It takes time to find balance, Nitzipinki, and it takes time to look inside to find priorities. The "friends" who fall by the... It takes time to find balance, Nitzipinki, and it takes time to look inside to find priorities. The "friends" who fall by the wayside, and/or criticize you for "putting them in assisted living" - even when it's the best thing for them - aren't friends.
I found I had to develop a thicker skin, and ignore the people who criticized me. That was a huge and difficult step, because I've spent my life as a people pleaser. But I knew what my parents needed and what I could do and could no longer do. The criticism from some lasted until my parent's deaths, and I'm sure much unspoken criticism was out there. So be it.
Your parents will take time to adjust and will take their down times out on you. Please learn to detach from that and don't accept guilt. When they know it doesn't work, they will work harder at developing a network and make friends and be much happier.
You are taking care of things the best way possible.
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I found I had to develop a thicker skin, and ignore the people who criticized me. That was a huge and difficult step, because I've spent my life as a people pleaser. But I knew what my parents needed and what I could do and could no longer do. The criticism from some lasted until my parent's deaths, and I'm sure much unspoken criticism was out there. So be it.
Your parents will take time to adjust and will take their down times out on you. Please learn to detach from that and don't accept guilt. When they know it doesn't work, they will work harder at developing a network and make friends and be much happier.
You are taking care of things the best way possible.
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Question
How do I deal with siblings not providing support?
Good for you, Bennie. Your attitude will help you a lot.
Carol
Carol
Question
Is there someone out there to take care of me?
Sibling issues and problems with parents as we grew up do make it all harder when we are faced with their care. It sounds like you have a... Sibling issues and problems with parents as we grew up do make it all harder when we are faced with their care. It sounds like you have a good heart and are a forgiving person, and that is good. Hopefully, you and your mother can feel closer as time passes, before her time to die. As long as she isn't abusing you, you'll likely feel it's worth the effort to show love and respect for her being your mother, if nothing else. Maybe she will be able to return those feelings and let you feel loved. I hope so.
Blessings to you,
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Blessings to you,
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Question
Is there someone out there to take care of me?
It sounds like your mom feels the need to control something - anything - and this is her current choice. She knows that she is losing so... It sounds like your mom feels the need to control something - anything - and this is her current choice. She knows that she is losing so much, and she can control this. Arguing will only make it worse. If you can adust it without her seeing you, she may not even notice for awhile. It will be a cat and mouse game. But arguing with people with dementia won't help, because in their mind they are right. Also, they are afraid.
You do need a break. Please contact your state human services department (type your state in online, and you should find their main site - then go from there. You should find a phone number). Ask if there is any respite care available in your town. If you can afford any in-home care at all, please get some. You need a break.
Most of us, once our loved one dies after years of dementia, have a long journey back to remember and love who they were before all the years of decline. I've written about that. It's a hard journey, but worth it.
However, now you are living the years of decline, and you are tying hard to love her as she is. That is admirable. You need help to hang on to that, and getting some help will, well, help.
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You do need a break. Please contact your state human services department (type your state in online, and you should find their main site - then go from there. You should find a phone number). Ask if there is any respite care available in your town. If you can afford any in-home care at all, please get some. You need a break.
Most of us, once our loved one dies after years of dementia, have a long journey back to remember and love who they were before all the years of decline. I've written about that. It's a hard journey, but worth it.
However, now you are living the years of decline, and you are tying hard to love her as she is. That is admirable. You need help to hang on to that, and getting some help will, well, help.
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Question
Dementia or Alzheimer's?
She is afraid and that is part of what makes her act the way she does. Is she being seen by a doctor? Sometimes medications can help. But... She is afraid and that is part of what makes her act the way she does. Is she being seen by a doctor? Sometimes medications can help. But agreeing with her whenever possible, rather than arguing is usually a good choice.
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Is there someone out there to take care of me?
Hi Patty, I know it doesn't always make sense, but agreeing with her when you can helps. She believes what she sees and says and... Hi Patty,
I know it doesn't always make sense, but agreeing with her when you can helps. She believes what she sees and says and remembers - to her that is fact. So, even though your reality is different than hers, and you know that what she says is wrong, if at all possible, agree with her. If you can't do that - say she's saying she wants to go home and she IS home, sometimes is helps to say, "Let's get in the car and take you home." Then drive around a couple of blocks and say, "Here we are." Distraction works a lot. Agreeing works often. Sometimes, though, you just have to tough it out. But arguing will only make the situation more stressful for both of you. Yes, I know it's hard. It won't always work. But, these are suggestions.
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I know it doesn't always make sense, but agreeing with her when you can helps. She believes what she sees and says and remembers - to her that is fact. So, even though your reality is different than hers, and you know that what she says is wrong, if at all possible, agree with her. If you can't do that - say she's saying she wants to go home and she IS home, sometimes is helps to say, "Let's get in the car and take you home." Then drive around a couple of blocks and say, "Here we are." Distraction works a lot. Agreeing works often. Sometimes, though, you just have to tough it out. But arguing will only make the situation more stressful for both of you. Yes, I know it's hard. It won't always work. But, these are suggestions.
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Is there someone out there to take care of me?
Talking about these issues helps. None of us can really solve another's problems, but we can suggest and support, and most of all, we... Talking about these issues helps. None of us can really solve another's problems, but we can suggest and support, and most of all, we can help break the isolation and feeling of being the only one who has these problems. This group is so supportive, and that is helping many people. Hang in, everybody and keep checking in.
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How do I deal with siblings not providing support?
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