Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
Any advice for a new full-time caregiver moving into position this week?
Hi Cathi, Cat is right on.Get everything in writing. This is not to say you don't trust people, but it is to protect yourself. The... Hi Cathi,
Cat is right on.Get everything in writing. This is not to say you don't trust people, but it is to protect yourself. The family may be very nice, but they won't want to spend more of Mom's money than they have to. The burden of proof will be up to you. Also, if you can, keep a place to move back to in case this is just too much. You are a kind soul, and that is good. But you need to take care of yourself, too.
Please keep checking in.
Carol see more
Cat is right on.Get everything in writing. This is not to say you don't trust people, but it is to protect yourself. The family may be very nice, but they won't want to spend more of Mom's money than they have to. The burden of proof will be up to you. Also, if you can, keep a place to move back to in case this is just too much. You are a kind soul, and that is good. But you need to take care of yourself, too.
Please keep checking in.
Carol see more
Question
My mother doesn’t believe anything is wrong with her. She has changed doctors because she doesn't like that th...
Hi Cindy, You do have your hands full. Thank God you have some help. Take care and please keep coming back to this site. We've got some... Hi Cindy,
You do have your hands full. Thank God you have some help.
Take care and please keep coming back to this site. We've got some terrific people here with lots of experience.
Carol see more
You do have your hands full. Thank God you have some help.
Take care and please keep coming back to this site. We've got some terrific people here with lots of experience.
Carol see more
Question
My mother doesn’t believe anything is wrong with her. She has changed doctors because she doesn't like that th...
Good advice, Cat. People who discover they have dementia are fighting for their dignity and facing such severe losses. Whatever... Good advice, Cat. People who discover they have dementia are fighting for their dignity and facing such severe losses. Whatever "wiggle room" we can give them, without anyone getting hurt, the better it is. There are such huge adjustments to be made.
It would be great if the new doctor found out it was medication or something that was causing her symptoms. If only you could go along. It's always hard. Stick with this great group for support.
Carol see more
It would be great if the new doctor found out it was medication or something that was causing her symptoms. If only you could go along. It's always hard. Stick with this great group for support.
Carol see more
Question
Can you buy life insurance for a disabled person?
That's a good question. I have a son with depression and he can't get life insurance. It should be illegal. He's not suicidal,... That's a good question. I have a son with depression and he can't get life insurance. It should be illegal. He's not suicidal, and they could write that out, as it is written out of most policies, anyway.
He can't get health insurance because of preexisting illness - he was five when he got JRA! Believe me, I know you frustration, but I don't know how to help other than check every company you can and pay a huge price if you do find one. It's sad.
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He can't get health insurance because of preexisting illness - he was five when he got JRA! Believe me, I know you frustration, but I don't know how to help other than check every company you can and pay a huge price if you do find one. It's sad.
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Question
How can I be the "perfect" caregiver for my mother?
We are all imperfect and will always be so. We do our best with what we have. We strive for more information. We share our stories and gain... We are all imperfect and will always be so. We do our best with what we have. We strive for more information. We share our stories and gain strength from others. We forgive ourselves our imperfections, because if we don't everyone will suffer.
Keep coming back and sharing your story, knowing we all have bad days, we all are imperfect and that's just being human.
Carol see more
Keep coming back and sharing your story, knowing we all have bad days, we all are imperfect and that's just being human.
Carol see more
Question
Can you buy life insurance for a disabled person?
Hi Nancy, This is a tough one. You maybe can, but it will be really expensive. A lot depends on what your health issues are. You should... Hi Nancy,
This is a tough one. You maybe can, but it will be really expensive. A lot depends on what your health issues are. You should contact different companies, including AARP (I'm not endorsing them, they just came to mind), The Hartford and any others you can find. It's kind of like trying to get long-term care insurance when you are my age. Maybe I can, but the cost would be prohibitive.
Best wishes, Nancy. It will take some phone calls, appontments and footwork. I hope you can figure something out.
Carol see more
This is a tough one. You maybe can, but it will be really expensive. A lot depends on what your health issues are. You should contact different companies, including AARP (I'm not endorsing them, they just came to mind), The Hartford and any others you can find. It's kind of like trying to get long-term care insurance when you are my age. Maybe I can, but the cost would be prohibitive.
Best wishes, Nancy. It will take some phone calls, appontments and footwork. I hope you can figure something out.
Carol see more
Question
My father just passed away and my mother is struggling from dementia. Do I tell her about my father's death?
Funny, Jen! I was always told it was good to say that, and when I told Dad that he thought I "wanted him to die." It was awful!... Funny, Jen! I was always told it was good to say that, and when I told Dad that he thought I "wanted him to die." It was awful! You just never know.
But, I do feel people need to be told that their spouse died. I think they know on some level.
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But, I do feel people need to be told that their spouse died. I think they know on some level.
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Question
My father just passed away and my mother is struggling from dementia. Do I tell her about my father's death?
It's so gratifying to read how you help each other! Everyone has such good ideas, that the whole community becomes exactly that - a... It's so gratifying to read how you help each other! Everyone has such good ideas, that the whole community becomes exactly that - a community of friends. I loved Bennie's input - yes, this is way more than "just change."
Take care, my friends. You are the best.
Carol see more
Take care, my friends. You are the best.
Carol see more
Question
My father just passed away and my mother is struggling from dementia. Do I tell her about my father's death?
Excellent words, Jen.
Carol
Carol
Question
My father just passed away and my mother is struggling from dementia. Do I tell her about my father's death?
Good plan. Watch her reactions and go from there. Each person is different, and you have the travel problem, which can be very upsetting to... Good plan. Watch her reactions and go from there. Each person is different, and you have the travel problem, which can be very upsetting to someone with dementia. Yet, funeral attendence can help some people. It's an unusually tough situation for you.
Keep us posted, and bless you for being so caring.
Carol see more
Keep us posted, and bless you for being so caring.
Carol see more
Question
My father just passed away and my mother is struggling from dementia. Do I tell her about my father's death?
This is a heart-breaker. My mom had dementia when my dad died, and I had to tell her repeatedly that he died. I think she knew on some... This is a heart-breaker. My mom had dementia when my dad died, and I had to tell her repeatedly that he died. I think she knew on some level, but she just couldn't accept it, even though she was in the room when he passed. Every day she would say, "Did he really die?" And yes, she did go to the funeral. We helped her with the cards, and she received Dad's flag.
Your situation is much more complicated. It will be painful, but I think your mother has a right to know. She will be confused, and the trip will be hard on her, but she also has a right to be at his funeral if you can at all manage it. The funeral may make it more real to her, also.
I even struggled with telling Mom that Dad was going on hospice, but the hospice people wisely told me that she absolutely needed to know (I knew she would immediately think death). And they were right. It was hard, but sometimes we have to do tough things, and boy this is one of them.
You have a good heart and want to do the right thing. And there's no perfect answer. You are the one who knows your mom and the situation best. But my feeling is that she needs to be told (maybe repeatedly), and if possible, attend the funeral.
Carol see more
Your situation is much more complicated. It will be painful, but I think your mother has a right to know. She will be confused, and the trip will be hard on her, but she also has a right to be at his funeral if you can at all manage it. The funeral may make it more real to her, also.
I even struggled with telling Mom that Dad was going on hospice, but the hospice people wisely told me that she absolutely needed to know (I knew she would immediately think death). And they were right. It was hard, but sometimes we have to do tough things, and boy this is one of them.
You have a good heart and want to do the right thing. And there's no perfect answer. You are the one who knows your mom and the situation best. But my feeling is that she needs to be told (maybe repeatedly), and if possible, attend the funeral.
Carol see more
Question
How does one cope with the loss of dreams while supporting the present situation of taking care of a home, ill...
I'm so glad you are reaching out. This is your first step in taking care of yourself. Please understand your feelings are very normal,... I'm so glad you are reaching out. This is your first step in taking care of yourself. Please understand your feelings are very normal, so don't feel guilty. Talking with others who feel the same will help ease some of the guilt.
If your husband has to have someone with him all the time (that time will come, if it hasn't), you need to look for respite care through your aging services or your faith community or Senior Companions. You need to get away and have some fun on your own. That won't heal the broken dreams. Acceptance of what is will help, but that takes time, and most people will rail against it for awhile. Once you accept where you are and that the dreams are not going to happen the way your thought, you will be able to move on and find new things that make you happy. But you are grieving and that is normal. Please keep talking.
Carol see more
If your husband has to have someone with him all the time (that time will come, if it hasn't), you need to look for respite care through your aging services or your faith community or Senior Companions. You need to get away and have some fun on your own. That won't heal the broken dreams. Acceptance of what is will help, but that takes time, and most people will rail against it for awhile. Once you accept where you are and that the dreams are not going to happen the way your thought, you will be able to move on and find new things that make you happy. But you are grieving and that is normal. Please keep talking.
Carol see more
Question
I am worried about my dad's lack of activity and recreation. How can I get him more involved?
Michelle, your dad could be suffering from depression (likely he is). It may be also dementia, but depression is often found with dementia.... Michelle, your dad could be suffering from depression (likely he is). It may be also dementia, but depression is often found with dementia. Has he been examined for this? His resistance makes it hard for you to get him to a doctor, but it seems he really needs an evaluation for his mental health and possible dementia. Maybe you can get him in for his back pain, and arrange with the medical people ahead of time to test him for the other stuff.
Good luck with this and keep coming back to read other's stories. It helps to share.
Carol see more
Good luck with this and keep coming back to read other's stories. It helps to share.
Carol see more
Question
How do you deal with a mother so mean and abusive?
Welcome, Mystery Sue. We're glad you're here. Believe it or not, the idea that your mother is totally different when others is... Welcome, Mystery Sue. We're glad you're here.
Believe it or not, the idea that your mother is totally different when others is around is common. The frustration for the caregiver is nearly overwhelming, at times, when we have to deal with this. You see this woman charming those around her and acting normal, and when they leave you are the whipping post. People here understand that.
Was your mother always like this, or is this a personality change? That does make a difference. Aging brings on many loses, and even basically nice people sometimes take out their own frustration on the person closest to them. But if she was always abusive, and is just more so now, then you are dealing with something different.
Either way, you need to find a way to get some relief by getting away for awhile. I hope you'll check out your state aging services. There should be a phone number online. They could direct you to local help - perhaps your Area Agency on Aging.
However, if the situation if bad enough, you may have to turn your mother over to Social Services (along with her finances), and separate your living quarters. You can't go around feeling like you want to kill yourself. Thankfully, you do have your spiritual life. But, honoring your mother doesn't mean destroying yourself. Please look for some relief, and keep coming back here to vent. It does help to talk it out with those who understand.
Carol see more
Believe it or not, the idea that your mother is totally different when others is around is common. The frustration for the caregiver is nearly overwhelming, at times, when we have to deal with this. You see this woman charming those around her and acting normal, and when they leave you are the whipping post. People here understand that.
Was your mother always like this, or is this a personality change? That does make a difference. Aging brings on many loses, and even basically nice people sometimes take out their own frustration on the person closest to them. But if she was always abusive, and is just more so now, then you are dealing with something different.
Either way, you need to find a way to get some relief by getting away for awhile. I hope you'll check out your state aging services. There should be a phone number online. They could direct you to local help - perhaps your Area Agency on Aging.
However, if the situation if bad enough, you may have to turn your mother over to Social Services (along with her finances), and separate your living quarters. You can't go around feeling like you want to kill yourself. Thankfully, you do have your spiritual life. But, honoring your mother doesn't mean destroying yourself. Please look for some relief, and keep coming back here to vent. It does help to talk it out with those who understand.
Carol see more
Question
Is there someone out there to take care of me?
You're not complaining, Eddi. You are human and you have a lot on your hands. IS had some good advice. I'd check with your state... You're not complaining, Eddi. You are human and you have a lot on your hands.
IS had some good advice. I'd check with your state aging services as well as your county social services. If you have an Area Agency on Aging (gov. program) they can help (Aging Services can tell you that). Someone at these places should be able to point you to resources in your area.
Carol see more
IS had some good advice. I'd check with your state aging services as well as your county social services. If you have an Area Agency on Aging (gov. program) they can help (Aging Services can tell you that). Someone at these places should be able to point you to resources in your area.
Carol see more
Question
Is there someone out there to take care of me?
Writing out how you feel is therapeutic, as you can tell from the numbers of people chiming in on this forum. Please keep coming back. You... Writing out how you feel is therapeutic, as you can tell from the numbers of people chiming in on this forum. Please keep coming back. You are under a lot of stress, and it's hard not to let it show.
It's wonderful that you are working on your LPN. You are fortunate to have your background in this field to help you in your personal struggles.
Carol see more
It's wonderful that you are working on your LPN. You are fortunate to have your background in this field to help you in your personal struggles.
Carol see more
Question
Why do I feel alone in caregiving?
msTish, you have kept the spirit of the promise. No one can guarantee that a person won't have to go to a care home. It's best not... msTish, you have kept the spirit of the promise. No one can guarantee that a person won't have to go to a care home. It's best not to make the promise, but we often do, and we believe we can handle it forever. But the time comes when we need help.
You are anything but selfish, msTish. You need to take care of yourself, and that may mean a nursing home for your mother-in-law.
And Fanci - your isolation is natural. Isolation is the hallmark of the caregiver. That is one reason online forums help - who has time to go out to a caregivers group? We've had many in my area fold, not because people aren't interested, but because they can't get away. Please keep coming back and talking. We can't change anything physically, but we can listen and understand.
Carol see more
You are anything but selfish, msTish. You need to take care of yourself, and that may mean a nursing home for your mother-in-law.
And Fanci - your isolation is natural. Isolation is the hallmark of the caregiver. That is one reason online forums help - who has time to go out to a caregivers group? We've had many in my area fold, not because people aren't interested, but because they can't get away. Please keep coming back and talking. We can't change anything physically, but we can listen and understand.
Carol see more
Question
How can I avoid putting my mother and father in a nursing home?
Wow, you are really a well-reseached caregiver. I wish PACE were more widespread, and I expect it will be, but it's a great option for... Wow, you are really a well-reseached caregiver. I wish PACE were more widespread, and I expect it will be, but it's a great option for those who have access. I agree with you on all the care placement sites - they have their place, definitely, but they do earn money from the people and services on there, so they are biased. This does not make them bad. Just be aware. That's why I recommend the government site www.eldercare.gov as a jumping off point. But you still need to check out all facilities, as they are not rated. Use everything at your fingertips.
I hope Medicaid wakes up eventually and provides funds for inhome care. It only makes sense for the tax payer. The system needs fixing, but people here need help now, so read and re-read the suggestions from seniors daughter and all other suggestions. And keep coming back to share. This is a great site.
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I hope Medicaid wakes up eventually and provides funds for inhome care. It only makes sense for the tax payer. The system needs fixing, but people here need help now, so read and re-read the suggestions from seniors daughter and all other suggestions. And keep coming back to share. This is a great site.
Carol see more
Question
How can I avoid putting my mother and father in a nursing home?
That's an interesting site, and I'll be checking it out for sure. People seem to have some very different ideas about these sites.... That's an interesting site, and I'll be checking it out for sure. People seem to have some very different ideas about these sites. I do know that the government site www.eldercare.gov is a terrific list of different kinds of services, however you are on your own when you check them out. It is free.
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Can you buy life insurance for a disabled person?
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