I think I made the wrong decision by putting my mom into a nursing home. What can I do now?

I have been through a similar experience and 2 years later I still feel guitly, but unlike you I did not care for my Mother at all prior to her going to hospital for a year. My Mother had to go into a Nursing home upon leaving hospital and my nightmare began, as we did not like the home etc,. We moved her and her health changed daily, somedays good, others bad. But now with 2 years behind us, I realised that if I had my Mother at home with me, then I would probadly have a broken marriage, a poor relationship with my daughters and I believe very bad physical and mental health. So although what is going on in your life now, please let go! I don't worry about germs and I don't worry about other peoples opinions, all I care about is giving my best and realising that my best is offered when I am strong. We have to accept things that we cannot change and work with it and around it. The outcome will probably still be the same on whatever decision we take. My Mother is now settled and her health has improved and I am trying to be grateful that we are not alone when times get tough and that we have homes for people who need nursing help. A nurse is in my Mothers unit 24/7, and I could not offer that clinical knowledge. I wish you all the very best and hope you are able to congratulate yourself on having helped your Mother for 5 years and realise how burnt out you were. Take care of yourself in order for you to visit your Mum daily (if you want) and enjoy sometime for yourself. Your Mother will be proud of you knowing that you tried so hard and have cared so much. x

Lizard, It seems like a lot of us have guilt, fear, and the need to take care of ourselves. I doubt it that if you brought your mother home now she would be okay. Aging takes place no matter where they are. Just do your best, let her stay there, and take good care of yourself. You can do the best for your mother if you stay healthy and go to the NH to oversee things, so to speak. Yes, we do care of each other here. I am saying all these things with love.

It surprises me, although I was painfully aware, of the lack of alternatives for our parents besides unbelieveably expensive stays in a nursing home. At hundreds and hundreds of dollars a day for sons and daughters that are forced to "dump" a parent with medicaid at a nursing home simply because of the massive nursing home lobbyists, THIS IS A MORAL OUTRAGE !
After putting my mother in a nursing home, close to our home, I was so regretful and not informed at what then happens. She was only allowed one night away a month and when they gave her cigarettes and used inhalers on her at the same time, when she was made to watch 3 roommates die in the same room, when the nurse pulled up a roommate by her hair, etc. etc. etc. Then to be told, I could not change her nursing home unless she had been in a hospital for 3 days and nights....well, this entire industry is a scam. They refused to give her milk...always watered down lemonade mix. (Helps their bottom line!)
This industry needs deparately to be cleaned up. They are heartless, ruthless criminals......now let me tell you how I really feel.

Carol said it in her very first sentence to you: Your decision isn't the problem. You did not cause her COPD, or congestive heart failure, or dementia. This is not your fault. It is understandable that you feel very very sad in this situation, but there is no need to add guilt on top of that. If you'd had her home, she probably would still need to be taken to the hospital every 2 weeks. It is her diseases that give her these urgent episodes -- not who is taking care of her where.

Hugs to you. It is heartbreaking to lose a loved one bit by bit to dementia. It is anguish to watch the physical deterioration of a loved one. Let yourself grieve, unhampered by guilt. This is not your fault.

LIZ:

Your post reminded me of all the misery my Dad went through until he passed, and right now I'm almost blinded by tears that hurt my throat and give me a headache as I try to hold them back. But sc__w it! Let them flow.

You're fighting 2 wars on 2 different fronts. On the one hand giving in, giving up, and surrendering isn't an option when it comes to your Mom. On the other, self-preservation. Trying to keep yourself from unraveling vis-a-vis Mom's condition(s) is a daily balancing act.

The 2nd guessing and the guilt will always be there, but you're doing the best you can with what you have.

I bid you farewell for now my Queen. Stay in touch, or we'll come looking for you.

Hi, lizard14. What a painful situation you now face with your mother's rapidly declining health. The back and forth to ICU and the nursing home alone is surely taking a toll on both of you in different ways. Your sharing reminds me of the total powerlessness that comes with placing a loved one in a nursing home. Like you, my parent is 'my everything," and it has taken me many, many months to get to a stronger place where I can accept that the nursing home is the best place for my parent's eldercare at this time in her illness. There is nothing wrong if you don't feel that way yet. I didn't right away either. Only now, after many months of crying and missing her still, have I accepted the reality of the clinical care that she needs at this stage of her health decline. If you move your mom now, you may still have to rush her back and forth to the ICU and hospital and rehab -- and your home. Wouldn't that be much more difficult for your emotionally? There are no easy answers when health conditions are so chronic - and the saddest part is that there is not a thing you and I can do to make it any easier for her, and/or on ourselves. It is a process, and a painful one at that.

Don't second guess yourself. This is bigger than you, something bigger than you is in control. You are used to "being ON" for the last five years, with the momentum of a non-stop caregiver. You have too much time to think about it now, since that has been your primary focus! You need to find something else to do, and you will. It will happen. Give yourself some space and attention. Rest and Heal:) Hugs xo

Thank you all for your kind words. I have never in all these years had so may people think about ME! My mom is very sick this time. She is septic(blood infection) which has caused more breathing problem and now cardiac issues. She has a bacteria that is similar to ecoli, in her blood. Drs suspect she contracted it from the nursing home. There is 1 bathroom to 4 people. And on more than one occasion I have witnessed the bathroom a nasty mess. Believe me I notified the staff several times. Other than that we liked the NH. But i feel at this time I need to transfer to a different facility, one with all private rooms. I don't really no if that will even help. I'm so beside myside my self and exhausted with worry. Since they were able to find out where and what the bacteria came from they should be able to treat it aggressiively. Please keep her in your prayers. Thanks for lisening!!!!!

Also, have you considered asking the state to do an inspection of the nursing home? It can be an anonymous complaint to the state hotline. Sounds like they may need some oversight in their housekeeping practices. Good luck!