I just can't do it anymore. I am so stressed from caring for my mom, am I a terrible person?

I can only empathize with you as I am in a very, very similar situation. When I saw your comment, I saw myself all over again and it truly hits home when you see it in writing! My mother is having bouts with bi-polar where she is very aggressive and shops like mad when she's up, only to fall into a deep depression when she realizes just how much money she has spent on things she never gets to use or enjoy - not to mention the fact that she has no place to put all of the stuff. Well, to try to help her after my dad passed away, my husband and I decided to move her in with us. We went out and purchased a new home, and by the way, the old one still hasn't sold, to move her in. Just two months after moving into our new home, my husband suffered a life changing motor vehicle accident and is now a quadriplegic. So, talk about stress. I am still holding down a full time job and trying to juggle between everybody elses issues. But, just like someone else posted, we have absolutely got to learn how to take care of ourselves. We think it's selfish when we get burnt out and become snappy and short tempered, but we are human and can't do it all because it is not only difficult, but we are not built to carry these burdens indefinitely without destressing. Even nurses have to get away from it as they most often work three 12- hour shifts and then they are off and away from the situation. You have got to build your support system so that you can have an outlet.

When my husband was in the hospital for 4 months, I found myself almost angry when everybody kept telling me to get away and take a break. I realize now they were only telling me that out of love.

So, even though I don't know you, I can tell you out of love and respect from one caregiver to another, that we can't be any good to our loved ones if we aren't good to ourselves. We've got to find some outlets for destressing.

Ummm. Well, I'd bet money you visited a lot at the convalescent home and did what you could to make her life better. And I would also bet one reason you placed her was that she was slipping away, rather than the other way around. If you had no options for home health help or respite and no lift equipment to get her out of bed or go anywhere, being at home was possibly more retrictive than the skilled nursing facility too; I would also bet you did not pick out a crummy one that just let her languish.

Now - one more thing to think about, namely this: She was 93 and in poor health. She might have lived longer, shorter, or the same if she had stayed with you in the best of circusmtances. THEN, you could have ended up feeling guilty that she might have done better or gone on longer in a care facility.

My mom is also in skilled nursing and just moved to hospice..I am going through whether to try to bring her home with all the help we could get and feeling the guilt of the little voice inside that says "Why is she not living with you?" There are reasons and answers to that which I won't go into right now, but I can't help admitting its a good question. Every single decision I've had to make has been hard and wracked with guilt over not having made the other one, even the ones that turned out to have been absolutely dead on. My son who I shared this with yesterday says its not logical and that if you made the decisions the way you did because you loved her they are right. I still say you could be loving but make the wrong decision, and of course be forgiven...so I guess a little angst is normal if you actually care about someone. And maybe a lot of angst is normal too. And maybe, if you had to balance your needs and other needs you take care of so that "what's best for mom" could not remain your one and only priority, that makes it harder yet...but I also don't think either your mom or mine would want to destroy and ruin our lives, if they understood that's what they were doing to us, after all the time and effort they put into raising us and giving us a future.

At least look for a place that does respite care - something you can use right now while she is going through this eye treatment. That way you can get some immediate help while you decide what to do. My local nursing home (connected with our hospital) provides respite care. I am not sure how it works with insurance but I think if they also do rehab - perhaps you can get her in under that.

But I know what you are going through - there was a while I thought I was going to go mad between work and my mother waking me up 4 or 5 times a night. In retrospect Ishould have taken a leave of absence from work but thought I could handle it all. It's not a good palce to be. Take care of yourself and do not think you are bad.

On this site you find you are not alone in what you are going through. That is such a big help, plus you get very good suggestions and help from those who have been there.

I am in the same boat as you...I don't know how much longer my husband and I can go on with this...it's been nearly 3 years living in her house with her! Nightmare. Our two daughters have even started giving us a piece of their minds and are being distant to us now. We learned a lesson that we should not tell our adult children everything that bothers us and we wont' anymore.

I am currently looking for a sitter to come in once a week so my husband and I can go somewhere together alone without mother. There is a treatment center here that you can bring your elderly parents to 5 days a week for 4 hours and once a month is a weekend where the elderly can spend the weekend...a break for the caregiver. Mother doesn't want to do any of this...she only thinks of her needs, not the needs of us.

I understand how awful it is. We finally last week went to our counselor at church...a professional Christian counselor for over 50 years now. We had to tell someone what we are going through. And, he suggested to start with sitters and then if that didn't work out, might need to look into other arrangements. We had to have our life, too.

When we moved her, left our jobs, family, church, friends, etc to care for our parents, we thought how wonderful it was going to be to help our parents. But, it went downhill from the beginning and now it is almost unbearable.

God bless you in this. Pray a lot. Take care.

Susan - No - you're not terrible, don't feel that way - that said, expect to feel guilty then practice letting it go. There is so much we want to do for our parents but the reality is that we can't. There is no escaping the guilt so you must practice letting it go. This condition means your mom is, frankly, bedridden while she undergoes this treatment. Can you talk with her doc and tell him you don't feel capable of taking care of her and ask him to admit her to a skilled nursing facility while she goes through this? If old enough, she should have medicare which will pay for up to 120 days provided the stay is intended to improve her condition to return home. It will give you a break and ensure that trained professionals are taking care of her needs. Once she's there you can talk with doctor and nursing staff about her condition and see if she should stay. You should not - you cannot - for the sake of your son, let your own health deteriorate to keep her at home.

That is aLOT! Now you have said what you are doing for others and have listed all the others you feel responsible for - I do not see your own name there. You - we - have to learn to take care of ourselves. Find something that gives youa little relaxation, sense of relief. Talk it over with your sister - you are lucky to have her - find a way that you can care for your mother without destroying yourself. NO - you are not selfish! We all have our limits and you may have gone by yours - step back - get help - take a breath - and you can probably get a better perspective.

Hi Susan-I just read your question here in this forum-and you sound perfectally normal to me, in my opinion. You may be going thru-what is called`'caregivers stress' - or 'caregiver burnout' and if so you do need to step back-and arrange to take some 'ME TIME' Not only will you feel better, you will also perhaps be more affective with your caregiving as well. If you go to caregiver burnout-and check this on your computer--you will most likely see many more articles there. The fact you have come to this forum-with your question and to vent--is quite commendable. Please keep myself and others informed with your progress on how you are handeling the situation.
Best,
Hap

SUSAN 63:

Being an animal lover, let me start with the dog. YOUR dog's love is unconditional. She knows when you're in pain, so she comforts you (so much so I bet you she's tried to lick you clean). One look at her and all that stress on the EKG goes down a couple notches.

Your ex's DUI -- whether he was driving your son to the vet or not -- is HIS fault, not someone else's. In a nutshell, he better man up, pick up his B__S, and accept responsibility for his own self-destructive behaviors instead of laying a guilt trip on someone else for manipulation purposes. In the addiction field (I'm a counselor) they call that "dopefiending."

About your mother, you've done everything you can; even compromised your own health just to make sure she's well taken care of. If there aren't any other options, I suggest a nursing home and/or assisted living facility. It's nice your sister took Mom to the doctor, but you are burned out girl! Your Mom needs 24/7 specialized care that you can't provide although God knows you've tried to do what you can't do and it will still not be good enough.

You've been a wonderful daughter, make no mistake. There's no reason, then, for you to feel guilty or for anyone to make you feel guiltier than you already are. You've dug deep and tapped into that inner source of strength to keep you going, and now you're spent. The only thing anyone should say to you is THANK YOU and feel grateful for everything you've accomplished.

Good luck my friend, and heal quickly! We need more like you around.

-- ED

No actually you are smart and loving to realize that you have reached the point where you can not do it I waited for about 2 years for someone to come to my rescue to make that decision and my counsular at the time told me no one else would rescure me and I had to do it which I finally did and was shocked that everyone except the husband agreed with me and was in the process of applying for medicaide and was so studip for trying to do it alone when God took over and he passed away after keeping him on life support for three days and what a relief it was to admit I ciuld no longer do it alone a lawyer told me that 60% of caregivers die before those they care for and 1 yr. after he died I am still have health issues-we are all here for you -I come back to thios site often because I made so many friends the last few years and am trying to give back the support I received during my dark days when I was where you are-keep in touch we are open 24/7