What are the signs that an elder is getting ready to die?

Have you considered asking for hospice care? The hospice people I had for mom were so compassionate, and also very knowledgeable. Not only can they help your mom with medications and measures to keep her comfortable, but they can help YOU.

Sometimes letting go can be so difficult for us, the ones "left behind". I truly believe that we need to make an extraordinary effort to get around or past our own feelings and needs, and do what we can to help the dying person to let go. As caregivers during the aging process we've done so much to help our parents, and this is the last and best thing we can and should do for them. I lost mom just before Thanksgiving and the feelings are still raw, but I still firmly believe that allowing her to go in peace was the best gift I could have given her.

So think about hospice. They'll be able to help you understand the stages of dying, support you, and help your mom. May you find peace in this process. I will pray for you and your mom.

I do agree with Carol and Txmaggie on this, as I also went through this situation. I personally did find HOSPICE to be of a great support-not only to the person in need, but for all the family as well. I personally feel that when the patient's body is shutting down, this is something we have to respect..especially after exhausting all options. This is very difficult to say the least, but if we believe in the 'here after'-they are perhaps going to a better place. Getting back to Hospice, from my experience, I definately would not hesitate to use their services-they are very well trained, and can offer support during this 'dark time' of the caregiving journey.

Best,

Hapfra

A good hospice would help perhaps... wish that my parents had signed up for us before my mom died but they refused, being the reserved types that they are. In the case of my FIL, his 3 boys knew more than the hospice volunteer - he was turning blue by the time she arrived - hours late and she wanted to push the paperwork! NOT a good experience, but I think it's just the one bad apple in the barrell. My father-in-law had given up on life.. I think that you just know the time is coming in most instances.
Prayers up for all dealing with this - especially right now!

Sorry, I've been away for the holidays and away from a computer.

When it became apparent that Mom was giving up, the nursing home staff strongly suggested that we get the hospice staff in to help. There are different hospice organizations. The one the NH used was awesome. They visited with the family and the nurses checked mom over very carefully. They asked what our wishes were. We wanted mom to be kept comfortable. They said they could do that but wanted us to be aware that sedation would probably shorten her remaining time because she wouldn't be eating or drinking as much. (She'd pretty much given up on that anyway). They said it was entirely OUR CHOICE. They said that sometimes sedation made it easier for the children to let go, as their loved one was much less agitated and restless. They said sometimes sedation made it more difficult on the family because of concerns that the person was being overmedicated. At no point did they ever "take a side", suggesting one over the other. They presented all the info, pros and cons, and left the final decision up to the family.

And yes, secretsister, they did a LOT more than the regular nursing home staff. Part of it was financial - they assumed all the costs of all special care. They provided mom with a really nice wheeling, padded, reclining chair, oxygen, meds, etc. Plus, their own providers would go in to help with Mom's bath, the nurses would make visits to check on her. Essentially it boiled down to a lot more personalized care, and extra eyes and hands keeping a watch and doing things for her. And it is NEVER selfish to get hospice for your loved one so you can also get the support. It is a very difficult time and why muddle your way through it alone? Not only that, but hospice organizations offer a year of grief support after your loved one passes, and it really was good to have their help over the holidays.

And yes, Bree, hospice accepts patients with dementia/alszheimers. Mom had hospice at home before she went into the nh and her working diagnosis was dementia. Talk to your doctor.

I agree that Hospice can do so much more. I am a Private Care Giver and work with Hospice quite often. They can help on so many levels and more one on one care than a being one of many residents of a facility.

I will keep you and you Mom in my thoughts and prayers!

My mother (I've posted about her in other discussions so I'm not going to go into detail here) would not appear at first pass to be a hospice candidate. But I asked for an evaluation anyway. And she has been accepted into hospice. The care has been much better at the nursing home since then (Dec. 2). More visitors, including nurses and aids and social workers, see her and make sure she has what she needs. I am an only child and can't visit more than two or three times a week because of work and my own family's needs. Hospice has been wonderful in getting a new and better wheelchair and carries some of the cost burdens due to her diagnosed illness (vascular disease, which has caused extreme dementia and decline). It does not hurt to have hospice evaluate sooner rather than later. If they say, no not yet, that tells you something. If they say, yes, well, then you can decide whether to enroll. Either way is a benefit. I think many people misunderstand hospice care. I would not hesitate to advise calling them in for an evaluation. Thanks for posting the question. I like all the answers here.

Good question, Crowemagnum. What does her physician say?

Doc told my husband just last week that his dad is "failing to thrive." He's losing tons of weight, falling (and hallucinating), sleeping a lot, and sometimes can barely keep his eyes open when we visit, try to wake him, or try to talk with him. He seems to be losing his hearing, as well. When he is ambulatory, his gait is much slower, and he seems to be so feeble. He taught his grandson to play chess last year, and was still beating him at chess not too many months ago. Now he doesn't even play. Last night, when I gave him a hug at supper, he yelled, "Don't take my out of this hospital; I like it here!" (He's been telling us for four years he wants to escape.) He's 90.

txmaggie, thanks for the Hospice suggestion. Doc said we can call Hospice if we want, but they won't do much more than he's getting already at the nursing home. Is that true? I thought about calling anyway, but is it selfish to wish for more support for us?

My dad is only 77, but is losing more communication skills, both verbal and auditory. He doesn't seem to understand what we say to him, and can't complete a recognizable sentence when speaking. He's sleeping more, and eating less, often refusing meals. He falls asleep wherever he can recline, or in a chair. Sometimes he lets us feed him, but only a bite or two. Advanced Stage Alzheimer's seems to be stealing him swiftly. Right now it's got his sparkle, with barely a twinge of spark now and then. There's still a smile, but only for brief seconds. I've asked for a med review, and he's had some labs done. They ruled out UTI, but have found nothing else, nor changed his meds. The Ativan they give him helps with aggitation, but makes him drowsy. I miss my contented dad. So discouraging! :(

The doctor has not said anything to me, but yesterday's visit and a recent phone call were just different. This will be her first Christmas of not being in her house and understandably is very upsetting. Yet, she does realize that she's not able to enjoy Christmas at home, but there is very little about life right now that she does enjoy and what at this point does she have left to live for. My gut tells me that she's hanging on possibly for me to complete solving her four years of past due taxes, but I might be wrong.

You know her best, and you'll be there for her this Christmas, right? Surely that's got to bring her some joy. Sounds like she is blessed to have you looking after her interests. Hope things work out for you and her to have a good Christmas, even though she's not at home. Like the saying goes, "home is where the heart is," can you "bring Christmas to her"?