How can I get away without my mom when she won't go to respite care or to a relative's?

Do you have a relative close by that will keep her company for a few hours? In that way you are very blessed.

B, you just have to put your foot down. My dad died a year ago yesterday and he catered to every sneeze my mom had. She was spoiled rotten. I'm thankful that the hospice people pointed that out to me, otherwise I would be living a guilt ridden life.

Sometimes, it just takes a person from the outside to see how you live. That's what changed it for me.

Tough love kiddo. Tell your mom you're dying inside because you're not present in life. Do you really want that for me mom?!

Is assisted living a possibility? You sound like where I was six months ago. My life was miserable when my mom lived with us. I don't know where I found the courage to get her into AL, but I did. I thank my dad for my strength with her actually. :)

Ask your mom if she remembers how she liked being alone with her husband? How would she have liked it to NEVER have a moments privacy? Try to get her down memory lane for a minute, then strike while the iron's hot. This guilt thing is crazy, you're not going to execute her after all right? jeesh.

How did you get away from your child when she refused to stay with a babysitter? Well, she didn't really get to refuse, did she? You did what was best, and she had to learn to cope with it.

How can your mother refuse to let you go out? Other people can buy you tickets for a guilt trip, but you are in control of whether to go or not. Or you should be. If you need help with that, see a counselor. See a counselor even if Mother doesn't want you to be gone regularly.

If she really needs 24/7 care, she is in the wrong place. She needs a placement where they have a night shift, and enough staff to spell each other for breaks. If she is well enough to live in your home, she needs to be able to stay on her own for reasonable periods. If this isn't possible, then she needs either to go somewhere else or to pay for assistance to come into the home.

What is she saving her money for? Has Alz made her forget we can't take it with us?

Maybe dementia has made her incapable of making decisions in her own best interest. Just as your daughter could pick out what to where to kindergarten but not do the menu planning at 5, there may be some decisions you have to take over for your mother, for her sake.

Figure out the boundaries. Lay it out for Mom in terms she can understand. Here is how we can keep you here with us: 1, 2, 3. Spell out the help that has to be available. Spell out your expectation to be able to go out, by yourself, and with your husband. Tell her what has to happen financially. Repeat as necessary. Be firm and kind.

You don't have to wait until she doesn't know you to place her in a long term care facility. Try keeping her with you with some in-home help and some boundaries, while you are getting some counselling. Work at it. And know that if you can't make it work there are alternatives. Really.

You must find a way to get her to understand you cannot be with her all the time. You deserve time for yourself. As another answer stated, be firm but kind. I wish that approach would work for my elderly problem, though. But you absolutely do need time alone with yourself and your husband. It's absolutely necessary, for your health and peace of mind, for you to get your mother to understand that.
It's easy to give advice, I know, when it's not in your lap! But I do understand how valuable the time you spend with your husband can be, and you need that for yourself. You'll be making the right decision when you are seeking a balanced approach to loving and caring for your mom. If the scale tips too far in her direction, you yourself are off balance, and it hurts both you and your family when mom gets the lion's share of resources, care, and attention.

I agree I had to tell my husband-when he needed to be placed and he said no just as he had about going to adult day care-it is not your decision to make-just as you can not give into a child that is being unreasonable. I found that any small change that I made gave me courage. When my husband was mean to me when visiting him in rehab I learned to leave-not just go down the hall for a spell and when he was nasty to me on the phone I would not go to see him for a few days-he finally got it that I would not stand for his treating me badly. After a while it gets easier to take a stand. Tell her you are going to do things without her and if she will not go places without you-you are still going out without her.

Actually, I DISAGREE with the advice that you must get her to understand anything. That would require a personality transplant on her end. I'd say that the option here is for YOU to understand that she will not be happy no matter what, and then step back and grab what time and peace you can create, until she is in full-time care elsewhere. Also, be clear to yourself about what you want refuge from: Time spent taking care of others, or time away from her complaining (or both). You won't get time from her complaining until she is incapable of it. There are some terrific techniques for taking the "sting" out of emotional encounters in the realm of "energy psychology" and they are do-it-yourself techniques. Google things like EFT, or Tapas Acupressure Technique, or Be Set Free Fast, and see how easy they are. Then maybe you can get relief while she still lives with you. I'd go nuts without them.

Good luck to you!

Main thing to remember is that you are not going to get her to understand or empathize with you. She has dementia. Remember the letters ARE: Never Argue, Reason, or Explain to a person with dementia. You can't make deals with someone with dementia, you can't remind them about anything. They live in a different reality than yours, one that is as totally real to them as yours is to you. That said, those of us who work/live with those suffering from dementia also have noted that they can be controlling, manipulative, and cunning. Your first duty is to yourself and you sound like you're on the ragged edge. My advice, as a nurse in the field, is to make arrangements to have someone sit with her. Contact an agency with experience dealing with Alzheimers patients - and really grill them. Ask them what their caregivers do if your mother says this or that, or acts out, or whatever. If their answers make you feel better, then hire one for a short time and go do whatever. If there is an adult day care in your town, talk with someone there. You cannot be held hostage to someone else's disease, especially if it makes you feel resentful, angry, and exhausted. What good would you be to her then?

I whole heartedly agree with you quakerite... Reasoning is not a skill someone with Alzheimer's disease or dementia have. I would encourage an in home respite care worker... Mom may be resistant however it is not a debatable issue. Contact your Area Agency on Aging and they can help you. OR call a home care agency and ask if they have a respite care worker trained to work with AD or dementia... take care and God Bless!

I cant relate to your heart ache fill with depression nor understand the stress that has upbuilt within your everyday life, but i can say this... When ever we take a responisbilty its never for the worst, its for LOVE. Love is a very postive thing, it endures all things... remember you have the priveldge to care for her, since her time will be limit and you what most people dont have "your MOM" . When we dwell on the negative then everything around us is negative and robs us of the joy we have left in this beautiful life with family. We make issue about me, me and me, then we really forget the important of why we love others

I must say I don't feel your comments are very fair or respectful.. You are of course entitled to your feelings however I do not think we should stand as it were in judgement of someone else's feelings...