Mom is in NH. I feel guilty if I do not go to see her a lot. Any advice?

chinco (((((((hugs))))))) I know the scene and hear you about your sister. My sis is the golden girl too and am the one who is expected to "serve". You are visiting often enough. You need and deserve your own life, your grandchildren, your "me" time, Please ditch the guilt. It serves no good purpose. Look after you.

Having been angry there and I make no apology for that, I thought it would be a good time to remind us all that this is a SUPPORT network. It says quite clearly at the top Home » Caregiver Support » Emotional Wellbeing » Questions ». Now someone who is brave enough to ask a question needs support and while we may or may not agree with what they are doing we should endeavour to get people to understand what support they may need to help them to get back on track again.

In Chincos case this doesnt apply as far as I personally am concerned; my heart goes out to her, for she must have constantly been in turmoil, battling one side of her thoughts against the other.

Please can we offer support and guidance not anger. And Cat, while I absolutely defend your right to comment I defend mine to disgaree wholeheartedly (and then some)

Should you feel guilty? No. But you do anyway: that's the problem.

What about thinking in more detail about how you feel when you take time out from visiting your mother to do other things, for yourself, for your grandchildren, for any activity in fact that you enjoy more - what is the guilt all about? Does it really feel as though you're doing something wrong? Or are you afraid of something: what she might say to you about it, what might be happening to her when you're not looking (nothing will be happening - we just suffer terrible imaginings), some other fear based on lifelong (and probably erroneous) beliefs about yourself and what sort of person you are..?

You're actually a person who has done a great deal for little appreciation or feedback from your mother. You are, indeed, not guilty. But if the feelings still bother you, find a counsellor, therapist or even trusted friend who can help you figure them out.

I don't want to comment on your mother. I don't know the lady, for one thing; but what's much more important is that, clearly, whether or not we care for our parents has almost nothing to do with what they're like and almost everything to do with what we are like. Some lovely people are ignored and exploited by their children. Some monsters are still lovingly cared for by abused but devoted children. Deserving don't seem to come into it - it's down to the willingness and ability of the caregiver.

Let's reframe what you are perceiving as guilt.

You didn't do anything wrong, immoral, or illegal, so guilt is not necessary.
I think we mislabel a ball of very complicated feelings as guilt.

Remorse there are no other options now.
Regret that the wrongs done to you in the past can't be made right.
Frustration.
Grief that there are no more opportunities to fix the relationship.
Dismay that it's going to end without any sense of satisfaction.
Anger over what you missed in a close mother/daughter relationship.
Disappointment
Loss over what will never be
And so on.

I don't believe it's as simple as vanilla guilt. Guilt is something you can get past through penance, compensation, and restitution. This kind of situation will not be repaired by any of those measures.

You have to make your visit schedule work for your life, not the other way around. You have to prioritize your obligations, family, house tasks, and even your own down time. Leaving out down time will be a big mistake for your health & well being.

There is no one right answer for how often is correct. It changes over time and will be whatever you need it to be.
I hope this helps.

In shock cattgoodness that you should say this. Chinco DOES visit her mother every other weekend. There is another sibling so we should consider that Mum is getting visited every weekend which is quite a lot for most people in a nursing home. In all honesty given the background I would think Chinco has done an amazing job in forgiving her mother for treating her differently from her sibling and has made every effort to make sure her mum is cared for - something her 'perfect' sibling seems not to have done.
Chinco had turned the other cheek and had it slapped. Her sister lived next door and did nothing - does she have a right to be angry - yes she does and yet she still did her best by her mum Well done Chinco you have a wonderful family that you clearly devote your time to - that your mother isnt totally in that frame isnt YOUR fault its HERS not recently but over a long long period of time.

Let me be clear cattgoodness; I have no comment to you. I do not feel the need to explain anything to you.
I just wanted advice and thoughts. And thank you JudeAH53 for your support! I appreciate it very much!

Chinco you have absolutely no reason to feel guilty. I loathe the term "put in a nursing home" as it's usually the case that a person enters a nursing home when the care they need reaches a level that can only be provided by professionals.

My mother was the mother from h*ll and I spent a lifetime avoiding her if at all possible. That said, I gave up my home, career and friends to care for her for four years until it was impossible to do it alone 24/7 (Parkinsons, many strokes and dementia). She's been in a nursing home for over two years now and I'm trying to rebuild my life..

She has no friends ... ran them all off over the years ... except one long ago acquaintance who visits about 3x a year. I've been visiting 2 or 3 times a week, running errands, ensuring she has all she needs, bills are paid and listening to the endless wants, demands and complaints, all of which are pure fantasy and delusions.

The 3x a year visitor is "golden" because she sits for a while and brings a small gift. Despite all I do and have done for her I'm the one who gets bashed for not staying long. I dread visiting and I've decided that from here on I'll visit every couple of weeks on a nice sunny afternoon when I can push her outside and spend a little time. Of course I'll get bashed for not visiting so often but I have to protect my health and sanity.

I can empathize. After my mother was hospitalized a number of years ago, I was going to see her 3x/week. She got to being so nasty I had to cut back on the number of times to once/week and eventually not going to see her at all. I was accused by the NH of abandonment, which wasn't true. I would still go see her for special occasions like holidays. Eventually I worked into going more often - but only until it was obvious that the visits weren't good for either of us due to her attitude and going just made matters worse. I was the only family member visiting for the last 2-3 years because of the way she treated all of us. I was her medical POA; I felt a moral obligation to fulfill that role once I assumed it, but I was limited in that I was dealing with a disability myself; I also had problems with my ages old vehicle. I also had some foot injuries and back problems that kept me from walking the 2 1/2 miles (5 miles round trip) to visit her.
The point I'm trying to make, I guess, is that we have limitations - and we do what we can. Please don't feel guilty for not being able to go see your mother more often. You and your family have needs too - and you need to take care of yourself. Your mother is blessed to have you. /\/\/\/\/\/\ (((((HUGS)))))

Chinco -- please do not feel guilty and don't let anyone else make you feel that way. Guilt can be lethal esp. to caregivers. No one knows the whole story and we all have them! I commend you for making a bi-weekly trip as it appears you live NYS and your mother in NH. That is more that many would do even under more pleasurable circumstances. If you visit less often you could perhaps call or e-mail her caseworker periodically to see how she is doing. Your relationship with your sister is between the two of you and you don't need more advice except what your head and heart are telling you. There are many positive comments posted here ,. . . know we are all feeling your frustration. Good luck and take care of YOU first or there will be northing left for the people who matter most.

Don't feel guilty. Love all the supportive responses, which has helped me, too. Ignore Cat.....and feel sorry for that person's sibling. Good heavens! I am slowly learning to compartmentalize the guilt. Hopefully, I can soon get rid of it entirely. And you, too.

Oh, and let the anger go. That helps, too. Read somewhere that holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick. The visual in my head is me barfing up the poison while the person I am angry at looks on with total boredom. Silly I know, but it works for me.