What can I do if my elder mother is constantly abusive to me?

I would recommend that you seek outside guidance on changing this situation. You can't remain in this situation. The local council on aging, a local sitter agency, a nursing home, her doctor might be places to begin. Also, a social worker who could meet with you for even one or two counseling sessions would be a wonderful shoulder to lean on and would have some ideas to help you. None of our lives are ever perfect, and we can't make our elderly parents' lives perfect either. For now, shift your caretaking abilities to yourself.

Hi--The abusivenress that you are experiencing with your Mom-I take it must be extremely difficult on you, and understandable so..Inasmuch as she has dementia, you CANNOT take it personally, as it is the disease and NO HER that is striking back. I have been there-and know how frustrating it can be. You have to change your mind set in realizing what is the motive of the problem of abuse, and STOP blaming yourself (if in fact you are) and whatever does happen DO NOT try to argue or prove a point, as she (unfortunately - may be rational-but only at times) If you are able to sneak away from the situation at times-DO IT, as to clear your head, and also to become even more effective with your care giving.

Best,

Hap

Good luck to you on your caregiving journey-and try to get as much support as you can--and also contat the Alzheimer's Association for their input-or call they Hotline # (800) 272-3900.

If she is ill and you are her care giver, do you have help? If she can still take care of herself (many elderly people can), have you told her how you feel? Is this new behavior for her, or have you simply had enough? If my mother was not dependent upon me, but still abused me, I would not have much, if anything to do with her. My mental health is important to me than trying to please others.

Im going through something similiar myself and this is all new to me, I feel the Lord expects us to take care of our Parents but does not expect us to take on more than we can handle, I think at some point we will have to give it to the Lord and remember, dont tell the Lord how big your storm is but tell the storm how big our Lord is.
Good luck to you, I know this is a very stressful time.

Does your mother live with you? My mother moved to Florida 15 years ago against my wishes since I am in California. She is now 91, blind and wheelchair bound and has to be in an assisted living facility. She left behind a condo in joint tenancy that I go to when I visit her and am trying to rent out seasonally. She had some money left in her savings, not much, and she went through it in 3 years because she wanted to go out to lunch and get her hair and nails done every other week for which I had to hire an aide. The money is gone and she was abusive to me. I don't call her per dr's orders, since she refuses to accept that she needs to be in the ALF and doesn't have the control of her money like she used to, but there is no way for her to live in the condo and have help - too expensive and you need a family member to supervise. I supervise my 90 year old step-dad out here and he is not demanding, appreciative. I have not called my mom for two weeks, and sometimes it is hard. Will go there in Florida. But I am 64 and need to live my life. My mom dumped me when I was 16 and did her thing. But that's not the point. Even if she was a great mom, I don't need to be abused now. Set boundaries, and get the support you need to deal with it. They always lash out at the children for their misery and fear and inability to be young and do what they used to.
Some mothers abuse their children when they are young, so you are not young and need her to support you, so why do you put up with it?

1967eill1, Sounds like it may be time for you to start looking for an appropriate nursing home placement for your Mom. If she has Alzheimer's, she will require more care as time passes. You're tired. That's ok. Wishing you peace all the way.

This may be a huge opportunity -- if you don't gag at the word "opportunity" being used to describe a situation in which you're miserable, I'm so sorry about that!! -- to learn and practice some changes in your own life. Learning not to let other people ruin your life with abusive behaviors may be the single thing that's most worth your attention right now. And look, you're already taking steps in that direction -- You reached out with your question. Good for you. Ok, now what? You need a combination of ALL THREE of these things: (1) standing up to abuse, (2) seeing it in a new way so that it isn't about you and doesn't hook you, and (3) finding practical solutions that get you away from it.

Rearranging both your internal and your external world so that your mother's behavior towards you hurts you way, way less than it has in the past, may be the #1 growth and change that you are looking for in your own life, It may give YOU a whole 'nuther chapter in YOUR life. Look at it this way. Suppose YOU live to be in your 90s. At 60, you're less than two-thirds there. Or, here's even more powerful way to look at it: Suppose you count "adulthood" as having begun when you were twenty or twenty-five and you live to be 95. You've only lived half of your adulthood! You have as many years left as you've already lived! It's so incredibly worth it! And if you think of all the ways you've learned and grown in the first half of your adulthood, imagine what you can do in the second!
Go for it and good luck.