Does anyone care for a borderline personality parent? Do you have any tips for helping them?

1. Buy the book and the workbook, Stop Walking on Eggshells.

2. Visit BPD Resource Center and join one of their support groups.
http://bpdresourcecenter.org/

3. Get a therapist who is knowledgable about BPD who can help you in carring for your parent.

My MIL is an undiagnosed BPD and my mother has undiagnosed Narcissitic Personality Disorder. There are others in my family, but I don't feel like identifying them currently.

Self-care, therapy, boundaries, not getting hoovered into their F.O.G, i.e. Fear Obligation and Guilt by which they pull you into the Land of OZ.

And if your forget everything else, remember these four things and get them down deep into the core of your being.

1. You did not cause their personality disorder!

2. You cannot control their personality disorder!

3. You can't fix their personality disorder!

4. What you can do is chose a health path for yourself, make sure the parent with the BPD is taken care of and safe. Come to the conclusion that if they choose to get on a healthier path, then good, but if not then stay on your healthy path because that is good also.

Thanks Crowe - haven't read that book but have read others - think I have given up walking on eggshells/ I am finding the more honest I am the better it works, I previously joined BPDcentral - I diagnosed her unofficially years ago, Therapists here come and go - currently haven't found a good one, I see you understand through personal experience the difficulties this disorder brings to a family. Thanks for emphasizing the self -care. I have just had to step back and focus on that again. I have had to re-examine my role and boundaries as my mother becomes more and more difficult but also more needing of help.The four points are well taken. Generally I take pretty good care of myself but things got out of hand recently -had to pull the plug and regroup. Do we ever strike the right balance for long?

I was drowning with my mom, in way over my head, and didn't know it. She did everything she could think to sabotage everything, and almost did, but God cast out the scorner. She is still quite destructive, but I can't help that! Now, she has a new PG, and that is working toward restoring my mental health. The anxiety I had is lessening. Thank God! I have chosen to walk away, since someone else is in charge. Much as I'd like to stay engaged, it is not in my best interest to do so. Ever heard the book "People of the Lie," by M.Scott Peck? Wow! And I highly recommend the "Stop Walking on Eggshells" book as well. HIGHLY! It changed my understanding of mom's mental illness, and how it was affecting me and my family. Now, I just not take those phone calls. We are starting to have a life again, and instead of being hostages, we are becoming free, as we used to be. Dad's Alzheimer's doesn't bother me near as bad as mom's NPD/BPD/OCD/GAD/COPD/etc. They, and she were assassinating me gradually. Now I can almost breathe. I remember somebody on here telling me to RUN! Run! Run! Too bad I didn't know to listen, but God was, and he helped me. Setting boundaries is the thing they hate the worst. I did and caused all kinds of grief to myself. But, it was also absolutely a necessity, and the only way to go! Wish I'd learned that sooner. Most importantly, take care of yourself!!!

Thanks SS. By a PG do you mean a guardian of some kind? If so it sounds great.- I never heard of anyone having one here in Canada. I gave up answering "those" phone calls many years ago - with no guilt - and read Scott Peck many years ago too. .I will look for "Stop Walking on Eggshells", In therapy, also many years ago, the message about protecting myself came through loud and clear, However, it takes ongong work., especially now as she ages. I wish I could walk away but there is no one else to look after my mother, The recent formal diagnosis helped to a degree, but she is so very needy these days as some dementia creeps into the mix and the paranoia and confusion increase. There was an incident of a staff member, where she is now, acting inappropriately (raising her voice) and this has escalated. She has only been there since November and insists in moving to another place.for that and other reasons. I have agreed as there have been some food issues which have affected her health (she has food sensitivities). I have told her I will arrange this move but i will not move her again unless to a hospital long term care. She is so physically fit presently she does not qualify for that kind of care. I know within a couple of months there will be troubles at the new place, but there is nothing I can do about that. I don't know how anyone without faith deals with these trials. Maintaining one's peace is so important and I lost mine for a whie recently, Getting it back now, thankfully!

Hi -- Here are a couple of useful phrases -- they all use the technique of setting limits with others. Borderlines benefit most when they have strict limits set for them. And their targets for abuse (you, the caregiver) need to know what your own limits are and what you expect from your abuser. So here are the phrases:

This is not an emergency. I am working on your other issue/emergency/request and you will have to wait until I have time. Or, which emergency do you want to address first?
If you want me to help you, (name your limit) is what I can realistically do for you.
If you want me to help you, then I need (name what it is you expect from them -- respect, appreciation, keeping their criticisms to themselves).
It (name the issue) is your choice (name it).

Back to you, the caregiver: It is also *your* choice whether or not to help her. If she doesn't want your help, or doesn't appreciate it, or abuses you, hand her the phone number for senior services in the area, or help her make the call. Then you can walk away in good conscience. It will be her choice whether or not to accept those services. Most of all, when you feel overwhelmed, STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING IMMEDIATELY. Read over the above tips. She is not your emergency. BP's are highly intelligent and extremely manipulative. They know how to work you and it's up to you to manage them, and therefore yourself, better. So be prepared to suggest that they call their doctor, their social service worker, their spiritual advisor, or whoever is the proper person who can handle their issue. Good luck!

Man...I never thought about a boardline personality..but alot of this discribes my Mother. She is not highly intelligent...but she IS what I call street smart and reads people very well...she knows how to work it and manipulate to get what she wants. She thinks by complaining I will do what she wants. She complains about different things, but I have learned to ignore her for my own sanity and just go about my business.Her grandson..my son told me that she is passive aggressive...yep!! Hummm...boarderline personality...I'm going to read more about THIS.

Both borderline personality disorder and being passive-aggressive are found together.

Talk about "street smart and reads people very well...she knows how to work it and manipulate to get what she wants." Since people with BPD go by impulses and perceptions more than rational thinking it's very similar to street smarts or it's the disorder that some people with street smarts have. However, their impulses and perceptions are not always accurate nor in touch with reality when they suddenly go into one of their rages after which they will often deny they were that mean. We used to just call people with BPD mean before we had a diagnosis for it.

Very interesting...she certainly can go off in a rage that seems to be unfounded to us. From 0 to 1000mpg in 1.2 seconds and just blind sides us. NEVER have I known anyone that could yell as loud. Your comment that "not always accurate nor in touch with reality" makes sense to me. There usually seems to be a small thread of truth but WAY overblown. Her ex husband once told her that they might still be together if she weren't so mean...interesting.... WOW

A person like that also has the incredible ability to totally blow you away over some irrational, but then turn around forget what they just did (well they were out of their head) and then be so sluripy nice it is downright sickening.

There are only two types of men who stayed married to someone who has borderline personlaity disorder. 1. The passive dependent but obedient mamma's boy. 2. The man who sets boundaries and follows through with consequences which actually gets her attention which then leads her to get help, go to therapy, participate in DBT and acutally use those tools to handle their emotional dissregulation; and stay on those medications along with remaining in therapy for the rest of their life.On top of that the man gets therapy also and if their are any children they get therapy. Some borderlines are particularly attracted to strong Christian men who they are sure will take care of them, are probably strong enough to take their crap, and oh they are Christians, thus they are to be very forgiving, patient, selfless, thinking of others more than themselves for Jesus taught take up your cross, deny yourself and loose your life for my sake and I can use the Bible to keep them under my control.

Sound stupid? Nope because I think this is very similar to the control games elderly parents with personalitiy disorders who've masked their disorders in the church have done or are doing to their adult children who are probably genuine Christians and can't see through the abuse taking place in the name of Christ under a very sick application of dying to self and loosing your life or have no greater love than to lay down your life for another which destroys the adult child's marriage, their relationships with their children, kills their friendships and ruins their career, health, finances, etc. Such, is a sick miuse of religion by people with sick personality disorders.

To emjo, PG = public guardian. I was my mom's guardian, but now she has a court-appointed one. And I am free from her abusive. And she was very abusive. If I didn't do exactly what she wanted, she called the police on me. The new PG just gives her what she wants...feeding the momster. I am free to live my life, enjoy being wife and mother again. It is like a breath of fresh air after the oppression and unrealistic demands of my horrid mother. She was never nice, but I encountered evil at her hand for the last couple of years. We were bound, but now we're free. Just wish she didn't live in my once-peaceful small little town. One day she won't. Don't mean to sound ugly, but it's hard to have a normal healthy relationship with an angry cactus, and the nicer we treated her, the worse she got. We just look after our two dads instead, who smile every time they see us. Life is OK now, (though we still hate Alzheimer's and dementia).