How do I get rid of the caregiver my mom likes?

Would it be possible to have a serious discussion with your mother about your feelings and observations about her caregiver? Maybe if she heard your concerns about how her caregiver is fitting into both your lives she could handle considering someone new. Does your mother live with you? I have found when communicating with elderly folks that taking the approach of being concerned for their safety, care and emotional well being is effective. She may have no idea you are uncomfortable with this person and if you can relay that to her she may be more willing to consider a change. I don't know your situation, but I do understand wanting the best for your parent and having a bad feeling or just feeling uncomfortable with a caregiver is difficult and can cause tension. Listening to your "gut" and being cautious is so important in caring for someone other than ourselves. I wish you luck in getting this resolved.

Thank you Shawna. I live on my own however my sister, her husband, and their two teenage kids live in my moms house. I am the one who took a family leave to care for my mom though. When I found it to be too much for me I enlisted help. But the girl is a busy body, (really) who talks NON STOP, and butts in with everything concerning our family. Unfortunately she has been present when I didn't have sense enough to ask her to leave and now she just knows too much of our business and is even trying to get the people next door to get her to come in and take care of the elderly lady too. Just too much, way too much and she has made my mom co-dependent on her. I've told my mom but my mom says I don't like anybody. That's not it but I don' t want just anyone there taking care of her.

Does that help any? I'm still looking for advise cause it may be that if my mom likes her, that's all that matters. I just hve a funny feeling about her.

I need help on this topic also. Mom and I hired "Daisy" from an agency to help Mom with doctor trips,groceries,etc. Mom lives alone,has many illnesses but no dementia per hr Dr. They hit it off, I thought fine, Mom needs to feel independent. Little did I know that one yr later, Daisy has replaced me as the daughter. Mom is furious at me for not letting her die in the ER several months ago although it was Daisy who followed the ambulance, was there before me as I was at work. Daisy now takes care of Mom as a favor, not thru the agency. Mom has cut off ties with us for the most part. I tried talking to her but says my adult kids and I are hateful to her and Daisy loves her. We don't know how to handle this. For the first time in my life, my Mom refused to have Christmas with us. She spent it with Daisy and the owner of the agency. Like you Pamela, I just have a funny feeling. If I push it, I think Mom would make up something and call the police on me as she has hinted she would. We've never had a good relationship, now we have none.

now i understand why my brother refuse to get outside help to look after dad while he was in fla . i beg him cried to him plz dad wants to stay home , he doesnt want to go to assist living . he says linda ! i dont trust anybody i dont know . i know not to trust anybody but i didnt think about what im hearing here .
im glad he trust his baby sister here . other wise dad would be in nursing home . its me or the nursing home . dad would cry and hollar for me and we were thousand miles away , my brother called and ask me if i would take dad in and zoom i went down there and got him . it will be one year next month since hes been with me.
alwaysmyduty i am so sorry your mother turned agaisnt you . daisy prob has fed your mom some no good ideas . am so sorry you had t o miss christmas without ur mother ,
hope she doesnt go broke and turn around to see daisy walk away from all that .

Unfortunately, our elderly parents often form an emotional bond with their caregivers. This is one reason it is so important to get someone with a legit company who is bonded and with whom you have a contract. Even a long time friend of the family cannot always be trusted to care for an aging parent because as I read in a book that fact becomes a bridge for them to walk accross and take advantage of the person's dependency upon the caregiver. The name of the book with this particular story is Is Your Parent in Good Hands?: Protecting Your Aging Parent from Financial Abuse and Neglect

One of the biggest problems is the lack of laws on the books to protect elderly parents from abuse when the adult children can clearly see it. The emotional dependency of the aging parent on the caregiver who may or may not be taking advantage of them will often keep them from speaking out because they are afraid of loosing them. This is probably a poor analogy, but to expect an emotionaly dependent victim of an abusive care giver to file charges is like expecting an abused child to file charge against their parents or other relatives. We need new laws.

I think I'm going to start by reducing her hours from 12 hours to 8. Perhaps she will not like it and will ask the agency to find her someone else who wants 12 hours. I'll just have to go over and fill in for those extra 4 hours or until my sister comes home.

Pamela - that sounds like a good start. Finding a win-win for you AND your mom is the most important thing. Good luck with this and please keep us informed, I'd like to know what ends up happening. Cheers, Shawna

Good news: my mom and I interview another care taker, (whom I'd liked 2 weeks ago but my mom said was too FAT!). I liked her and brought her back for a second interview. When she sat down and talked to my mom for an hour, about cooking and Louisiana down home cooking, my mom is willing to give her a try. She starts next Wednesday.

I called the agency and told them to reduce GODZILLA's hours from 7 a to 7 p to 7 a to 3 pm. They said OK and will call her tomorrow.

I'm sure she will complain to my mom and my sister, but I will go over there at 3 and stay till my sister comes home. Only thing about that is my sister will take advantage and stay out as long as possible but that's OK, it's worth it to get her out, and this new lady IN.

Gosh I hope she works out.

I'll keep you posted though.

By the way I'm certainly glad I found this website!

Pam good for you finding a solution- it sounds great and you telling us about this may very well help out others with simuliar problems. This site is so great even though my husband passed away I feel drawn to be here, you are a blessing to others-keep us posted how things work out.

UPDATE-UPDATE. I'm going to try to make a long story short.

This morning, (Monday) my mom called me @ 7:15 AM and asked if I'd changed the care-giver, if I'd changed her hours from 7 to 3. I said yes, and my mom said that the care-giver told her "I DON'T WORK THOSE HOURS", and told my mother thank you for being such a great client and LEFT!. Do you hear me, she LEFT!!!! Luckily my sister was there and went to work late. I'm sure Jerroldanne talked to my sister prior to leaving though.

I told my mom that I'd be over straight away. On my way I called the new agency and asked if the new lady could come over today for training and so she did.

Now I am very angry that Jerroldanne Harroldson left and you best believe I phoned the agency and told them in which they said she can no longer work for them because she'd abandoned her post, so to say, but there must be something else that I can do to alert people about this unprofessional. If she was upset with the hours, shy did she agree when the agency called to inform her? I didn't mind her cancelling at that time, but to do so this way really let's me know the reason she did it was to start mess.

Luckily my mom was really OK with it. I'd already expressed my dissatisfaction with this lady to my mom. And my intentions were to lose her all together. So I should feel happy, but I kind of feel for my mom. It seemed better to just outright cut the ties as soon as possible and with no hesitation and I certainly have no remorse for doing so. Does that make me mean, coneiving, no that just makes me an attentive daughter who is cautious. And that is what we should all be.

Ms. Crystal kept calling my mom "mamma" and my mom said that she had some good ideas. But I have to tell you that I am so happy to get rid of that troublemaker that I don't know what to do. Of course I'm sure my sister will talk to my mom tonight and my mom will further confront me with questions 2morrow and my answers will be that I did what I felt in my heart that I needed to do and that will be that.