What can I do if my dad won’t let a caregiver into the house?

My father-in-law lives with us, so that sounds like our situation is different than yours. However, the bath issue is similar. He had been here for 4 months without bathing - I was finally able to get him to take a shower by telling him I wouldn't take him anywhere with me in the car until he did, although I would go to the bank or post office for him, of course. Finally yesterday he wanted to go to the senior center badly enough that he agreed to take a bath. He's 90, has a significant degree of dementia but is generally cooperative with other issues but he was afraid of getting hurt in the bath, he says. A website, ThisCaringHome.org has suggestions on home safety for elderly people and I had implemented their suggestions. Prior to coming to our home, he would not allow anyone to come in his house to make repairs, even though he and my mother-in-law were, for instance, carrying the dish water from the kitchen to dump it in the toilet when the kitchen sink was plugged up. With the encouragement of their sons, my mother-in-law finally called a plumber, got it fixed, even over the very loud objections of my father-in-law. But every situation is different and what you are dealing with is very frustrating indeed.

Maybe if someone other than yourself would tell him that he doesn't smell very nice it would have more of an impact. It sounds as though he's oppositional with you.

try having the repairs done when you take him out of the house

Well, he says he trusts me. But my husband and 2 of his other sons had told him he needed to bathe as well. I was absolutely overjoyed when he agreed to the shower yesterday - that's for sure.

a breakthrough! mum managed to get dad to the doctors today because a blood test had flagged up. He had already warned that if mum said anything about his other probs he would walk out. once he was there however mum managed to coax him round and he has opened up a little. blood pressure is sky high although he is on tabs and he has depression. doctor was very sympathetic as mum said she was nervous of him. one step at a time. they are going back next week as doctor will not let it go now and mum must tell him of his temper which can arise out of the blue. next step getting the shower put in. mum feels guilty when he has really good days and seems to be in denial most of the time. dad can go weeks and seem totally fine and then last week lost his temper when she gave him the "wrong toast". now he is under the doctor will he talk to us without my dads permission.? i would feel better if mum could discuss his temper and memory loss without dad being there because he will deny all knowledge.

What is it with the home repair/bath problem? My Mother is just the same, but adds refusal to wash clothing. Home repair (plugged sink, 1 not working toilet, no oven, and that's only a beginning.) She is also sure she is going to be cheated (claims EVERY repair person did cheat her in some way in the past) although I would be here to supervise....Doesn't want "people" in the house. Is it control or the dementia?

i think maybe it could be a bit of both although im no expert. my dad has always been " the one in charge even when we were small" and i think that when his memory is ok he is his usual "do as i say mode" and when he seems lost its the fear of the unknown and the not being in control that freaks him out. my dad simply will not have any council people in to put in a new shower and they for obvious reasons will not enter the premises without his or mums permission and mum wont go over dads head. it seems like a constant merry go round. i like yourself could be in their home to supervise but he will not have any of it. at the moment he is managing to wash himself although how long that will last remains to be seen and as long as mum does not have to do it i am happy to watch from the sidelines for now but its very frustrating.