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My mother is controlling my children and I through threats of turning us in for elder abuse, what can I do about this?

Asked by  |  Jan 15, 2010

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195Austin

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Jan 15, 2010

How is she controlling you and what is the abuse she is saying that is going on ?

 
 

tracichudej

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Jan 15, 2010

She fakes attacks of not being able to breathe when we tell her she cant do things like climb on the roof, or put her leg on the tail pipe of the car or have a space heater because my insurance does not cover it, she just says we could get in big trouble. We dont always give in but when we have called 9-1-1 she threatens to sue and calls attorneys because we are not respecting her. She has overdosed on neurotin and attacked me for not letting her open my mail. She tells me I am neglecting her when I work, I work out of my home and she keeps me from working and she gets very upset when I tell her she can't bother me. Its draining on us. We seem to just have adopted a let her do whatever she wants to avoid the complaints attitude because there is no reasoning with her she is not capable of understanding. I dont know what to do, I cant make her not do things and I am terrified she is going to hurt herself or kill all of us because she thinks the world is evil.

 
 

pamela6148

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Jan 15, 2010

Is there any history of mental illness in your family? Has she been tested for bipolar desease? How old is she, and how is her health all around?

 
 

pamela6148

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Jan 15, 2010

I'm not trying to be funny but can you go into a little more detail about your mom and your circumstances.

I'm new to this site but I've learned a tremendous amount from these caring and most informative people who respond and if you can be a little more specific, I'm sure you'll find a lot of helpful advise here too.

 
 

195Austin

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Jan 15, 2010

You most likely reported her behaivior to her MD if nothing else could take her to an ER to get her assesd or maybe even call the police because she is threatening your family if she acts like this with EMT's they would take her to a physh department and it would be out of your hands it sounds like she needs serious help -please continue on this site there are so many caring supportive people here who want to help you.

 
 

tracichudej

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Jan 15, 2010

Mom is actually my mother-in-law. For many years I thought she was just very stubborn and yet had a big heart. there is a history of bipolar but she has not been diagnosed I dont think. We are just now starting to find out what is wrong with her. We have been talking to doctors etc. She is depressed, suffers anxiety, and is extreme OCD. Today we found out that to complicate things she is not capable of learning new things because of low intelligence. I am so distraught, I love her, I want to take care of her but she truly hurting my children because everything is a fight, she is unable to make decisions and when she does make one she changes her mind multiple times and calls people over and over again trying to find out "something". The other side of her is so sweet and innocent but when she attacks it is hard to take. I am 37 and I think there is alot of years ahead. She doesnt want us "butting" in on her care and she seems unable to understand that we cant just pay for everything. I dont let her pay for much except her basic needs because she forgets she spent the money. We have no idea where her moeny is and dont want to know but then again I want her to have the things she needs but she obbsessed with storing things for the end of the world and wants another storage building to store water in and more food, cat litter and cat food. She doesnt do much socially except talk on the phone and go to the store multiple times buying enough food to feed a small town for a couple of years. When we tell her no to something she gets angry then says we are fighting with her and eventaully her cat gets sick and its my fault almost always and she spends thousands and thousands to save the cat. Very difficult.

Thank you for reading, I am moving towards depression myself and my 15 year old is so upset all the time that we are going to start counseling. She seems to resent me and the kids. Any suggestions would be appreciated. I want to help her and I dont want to see her in a nursing home but it is very difficult.

 
 

tracichudej

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Jan 15, 2010

Yes we are starting to talk to doctors, and seek guidance. She typically refuses care and the deputys always leave it up to us and I never press the behaivor but the "episodes" are getting closer and closer together.

 
 

195Austin

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Jan 15, 2010

I think it is time for something drastic to be done I would call anybody who might be able to help you get her out of your house-it sounds like she lives there and if she does live alone someone has to step in apparntly the deputies are not helping it sounds like a crisis situation have you called 911 and reported her if she lives with you you might have leave the house and call someone to get her into a hospital situaition like a mental health clinic is does not sound like you are safe from this women.

 
 

tracichudej

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Jan 15, 2010

I have not pushed, I am always afraid its me that I am just not trying hard enough, that I need to be more patient. I promised my father-in-law before he died that I would care for her. Today though I am starting to see that I have allowed her too much freedom. I dont think she should have ever had any but she hid medical records etc and when we would take off to take her to appointments she would cancel them. Now we are actively engaged because she is so bad at times. It is very hard and very sad and weighs heavily on my heart. I do fear her, I fear with her obsession of "the end time" and the "devil" that when she thinks the kids and I are evil that she really could take our lives. Thank you for your comments, it is so helpful to talk about it.

 
 

bobbie321

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Jan 15, 2010

Are you able to place her in a facility?
Do you have a POA? Any siblings? It sounds like she's incompetent and a danger to herself and to you and your family.

Why are you calling 911?

Call the attorneys yourself and tell them what's up and to not take her calls.

Meds meds meds and you have to hand them out...she cannot take them herself.

My mother was the queen nightmare when I first had to intervene in her life 5+ years ago. It was heartbreaking, gross, and stressful beyond anything I have ever experienced. I was amazed.

I didn't realize what dementia was at first. Even after expert diagnoses, witnessing my mom's behavior and my research verifying the diagnoses and my observations, It tood a doctor who, after I complained about mom's behavior, snapped at me: She's demented. What do you expect?

That was a moment because I replayed it over and over in my mind and that was the beginning of my understanding that my mother's 'noise' no longer mattered, nothing mattered except figuring out the best way to diagnose and bring under control the situation. I love my mom very much or I wouldn't be able to do this, but it took a lot of tough love to get her to where she was content and happy and not stressing us all out. We do get grossed out on a regular basis, but that's another topic.


My mom was toxic with her acting out and threatening, for almost 2 years, calling her friends (who were stupid enough to believe her) and telling them how I was 'taking over' and 'making it worse' Adult Services actually came over. It ended up scaring her more than it did me. I was of the opinion that if someone else wanted to take care of this witch with her nasty personality maybe it would be for the best and I had to let mom know it. Mom didn't want a state retirement and calmed down.

The Adult Services person sized up the situation quickly and realized that mom was acting out and after a very short time, left. I took that opportunity to become very proactive and NOT let mom do whatever she wanted. I told her to her face many times that if she didn't want to go to a facility she was going to have to be pleasant to live with. Period. She was out of her mind and it didn't happen overnight but she did become pleasant to be with and I am thankful.

What meds is your mom on? It's fear based dementia behavior! When we started my mom on Namenda the change in her was immediate. She mellowed considerably with only sporadic outbursts and these days has no outbursts at all except for sticking her lip out and making a puss every now and again.

the dementia has progressed and mom has other issues such as getting to the head on time and making sure I feed her 7 times a day. I swear she has a hollow leg. Those little applesauce cups and yogurt cups, pudding, you name it come in real handy. I used food to calm mom down in the beginning and now I just had her little things like the above throughout the course fo the day. It makes her feel safe and loved.

Your mom thinks the world is evil because she's demented. My mom went through the evil phase. Anything you do you have to remember: she's DEMENTED so she's going to do demented things. It's not going to make sense so you do what you have to do to make it make sense for you and your family. Our moms think that we are only here for them but that was another thing I kept saying to my mom is that this is NOT just about you. It's affecting all of us and I have to make decisions based on all of us.

Good luck and we hope you get control of the situation.

This site is full of people who have experienced everything so you will get a lot of info.

you can do this,

Bobbie

 
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