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Does anyone have any advice that will help me make decision about moving in with my elderly in-laws?

Asked by christalcrain | Aug 21, 2010

My inlaws are in their late 50s and retired. They would like us to move into their home when they move here in 2 years. MIL has history of dementia on her side and is already showing signs. FIL has heart and other health problems and is also deteriorating mentally. I'm looking for a list of questions to ask them (what are their expectations, what is their financial situation, etc.). I'd like to know if there is a resource or if you have experience with this type of thing. They will probably be able to take care of themselves for at least 5, maybe 10 years. And I'd like to make sure that all 4 of us are clear on what the long-term plan is for when their health declines.
What do we need to consider regarding the MIL's imminent dementia?
I may be the only one working full-time - my husband has fibromyalgia and is going to be applying for disability.
I'm also worried about the MIL, DIL dynamic. we get along superficially, but aren't very close and have had a few tiffs in the past.
Thank

Answers 1 to 2 of 2

195Austin

Give a Hug

Aug 21, 2010

Think about this carefully and maybe ask advice of a lawyer and set up some plan as to when it would be time to make other plans if you are new to this site read back post very few of us here who have done as you are thinking are glad to have done do there are a lot of things to consider like would you each have your own space like your own kitchen etc would they have their own apartment so to speak when it came time for them to need care how would that work would you be expected to do it all or would they have outside help if you have had tiffs in the past as they get older and more set in their ways it could be all out war-you will be needing to give your husband more care at times-I have fibro and sometimes with flars it is very hard you would really need a plan now and might have to consider placement at some time and filling out medicade is no piece of cake -you have to account for any money that withdrawn in the last 5 yrs-as of now it will probably be more like 7 or so in the comming years-would you be able to add on to your house so they have their own space you can not even imagine the problems that might crope up in the years to come-could they live near you in their own home so you can be available in a controled way would you be able to care for them 24/7 does being woken up most nights bother you when you are on the go all day-could you take work days off often or leave work in the middle of the day because of a fall etc-you need legal advice-I did not take my MIL in she was mean to me and tried to break up our marriage as it was without living with us would your husband support you against his parents-as you can see it can get thorny the short answer in NO

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hapfra

Give a Hug

Aug 21, 2010

1. The first is plainly obvious, but often times the most difficult: have a conversation with your parent(s) about their finances. This is often a very awkward and upsetting for everyone involved, but is highly necessary and will lessen the pain down the road. Try to reassure your parent(s) that you are not trying to take control of their finances, but you are simply trying to make sure that they have everything they need, and that you have a deep understanding of their wishes.

2. Make sure all their paperwork is there and in order. In an emergency, you will need to act on your parent’s behalf and therefore you (or another reliable family member) will have to hold legal authority. They will need to have signed a durable power of attorney and/or a DNR (depending on their wishes and beliefs). Also, a durable power of attorney for health care, and a living will is highly advisable. These forms are often available at local senior centers.

3. Talk about the prospect of hiring a live-in nurse or someone that could provide geriatric care, if needed. Again, like number one, this is often a difficult conversation to have, but will help in gaining a better understanding of the needs of your parents, as well as their wishes.

I encourage everyone with thoughts and/or experiences on the matter to chime in and share information with other readers who may be struggling with similar issues. The more valuable information, the better.

Best to all in the decision making-I hope the article was of help~
Hap

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